[kin]

Dear diary,
I was performing my third days straight 12 hours shift at work over the weekend.
When I started out last year, there was 3 persons performing the shift on Saturday
Monday, normally we will have 4-6 person during office hours being the busiest day of the week

But last Sat, Sun, Mon, I was working alone.
Short handed one reason
2nd reason, I have proven I can do it in last 5 months over Sat and Sun
3rd reason, cost cutting measures and taking advantage of my presence
4th reason, it was a public holiday on Monday in Singapore but unfortunately it was not a holiday in Taiwan, Hong kong and China, these are the places we are servicing.

I get the job done on Sat and Sunday as usual but the workload on Monday was just too much for me to handle alone, I cannot cope.
I was too exhausted by the third day to cope with the heavy workload and starting to lose control of my mind, I have burn out. I can no longer deliver and say the right things. I hit my breaking point.
I am made of fresh afterall, I have lost self-control, I was fine and in control for a large part of the day until the end, I lost my focus on God completely for a moment, I was too tired and felt the exhaustion, it was too painful to carry on.
I was suffering serving demanding and difficult customer because my mind was too tired and don’t have any patience left. I become weak and helpless.
In the past, after work, I would have self-destructed and self-medicated. I could have gamble or drink to numb myself. This time, I did not do that but I was still disappointed I have forgotten about GOD and lost myself for a moment, I lost my mind and self-control but GOD did not left me, GOD help me and stop me, I didn’t press the self- destruction button . Everything was not ok but I was ok in the end. I did not have the mental strength to carry on at work but GOD gave me the strength not to press the self-destructive button.
I have already flag the situation to the operation manager about Monday when I saw the roster. She wasn’t convince. On Monday, I have kept her posted on the heavy workload and tell her I cannot cope after 5 hours, my mistakes at work proves it.
I did a self-reflection, I read about how I could be wrong if I respond base on my past experience, I could have tender my resignation, but this time I should trust my Higher Power and management and let them decide. Today I have informed the management about how I feel about the situation.
I have also remember reading about being loyal to work but not to the company because the company can one day inform you that they don’t need you anymore.

Yes I notice the same thing happening again, I burnout
Was self-inflicted in the past when I acted out on the job and become a workaholic

But this time it was inflicted by someone, I didn’t want to be a workaholic. Anyway I remember last year, work was the most important thing to me, without it, my life cannot function properly. It was more important to me than God . Today God has become more important than my job, work is not everything to me anymore, this is good news, finally, spiritually I am growing stronger.

Something stood out for me, I did not repeat the insanity cycle
I did not drink or gamble or look for sex to numb myself

I could not stop myself and cannot change on my own in the past
God has change me. Praise God. Halleluyah. God kept me safe today.

[kin]

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
( Roman 7:18)

Realized I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
( 8 principles based on the beatitudes by Pastor Rick Warren )

We Admitted that we were powerless over our gambling, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
GA ~ Step One
 
Dear Andrea,
Principle 1 Prayer
Dear GOD, Your Word tells me that I cannot heal my hurts, hang ups and habits by just saying that they are not there.
Help me! Parts of my life, or all of my life, is out of control.
I now know that I cannot “fix” myself.it seems the harder I try to do the right thing the more I struggle.
Lord, I want to step out of my denial into the truth.
I pray for you to show me the way. In Your Son’s name I pray, AMEN.

With love
Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,

for the second week now, I have time to be more thoughtful and bring my 85 years old mum out for shopping.

in the past when I was gambling I can never find the need, the time, the money to do it.

she seem to be enjoying the trip to these places new to her

Thank you God

[kin]

Dear diary,

I like the sharings I heard from 2 recovering gamblers recently, they say that even if it was a sure win bet, they are not going to gamble.

I thought to myself
this is against my belief and principle in the past

if the venture is a sure win, it was a stupidity if I do not go ahead to make the money.

this has also become my downfall many times in the past. I found out that when I stop gambling in the past, I was like hibernating and waiting for the right time to return to gambling.

today I can question myself and others
if this was a sure win bet, will I go ahead to gamble?

the answer I got from 2 groups was not a yes or no answer to gambling, they replied the same answer, there was no guarantee sure win in gambling.

I reply if there was a sure win bet, are you going ahead to gamble?

One person reply jokingly, he will gamble this time and stop after that.

People are very defensive and uncomfortable with this question

I had the same feelings for a long time, it question my conscience and dishonesty, the truth make me very uncomfortable, deep down I know, I will go ahead to gamble if it was a sure win.

I had dig out this reservation in me and I am addressing and talking about it.

Now even if I know this was a sure win bet, I am not going to gamble because it was a wrong way to make money.

[kin]

Dear diary,
One reason why I was such a difficult person to change in the past was simply because I was too proud, stubborn and full of self-beliefs.
I tried to change, I would like to think I am otherwise, but I remain the same. I could not change myself
God has broken my proud arrogant self and stubbornness
Only God can change me

[kin]

Dear Diary,

I wrote…..
12 August 2013, it was my day one clean
October and November 2013 was hard and all about negotiating with legal money lenders on accepting my terms for payment.
16th November 2013, I received a letter of demand from a legal moneylending company chasing me for money that I did not borrow. It was very upsetting, I reported them to the police and found out the letter was fake, it was all a scam.
11th December 2013, my 85 years old elderly mum was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage cancer of the colon, she was schedule for an operation on the 27th December 2013
14th December 2013, I was more than 10 weeks clean.
19th December2013, I was informed by my company they are not renewing my employment contract due next month. I am going to be unemployed soon.
21st December 2013, things are turning awfully wrong, wave after waves of bad news is hitting me hard, I was really hurting deep inside and taking it very badly. I did not gamble but my life look like it is getting harder and turning out worst, I really cannot comprehend.
I asked a question at that time, “Is this what carrying my own cross and denying myself and following Christ ” really feels like ?
I was getting punch real hard like in the ring in life ‘s reality one time after another and trying hard to stand upright, I was slipping away and getting wasted, I was getting mentally weaker and weaker in the midst of all the pain and suffering during this period until I return to gambling drinking and woman to self medicate and find a relief for the intense pain and lousy feelings.

Things has change and not change now, things was still not ok but I am ok. Life is good now.

I feel that I am actually growing mentally stronger, more joyful and positive instead… in the midst of suffering , I praise God now!

Saint Peter says” rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus Christ.”

Amen!

The quality of the ten week old clean days I had in the past
and the new ten week old clean days I have now is so different

This was what I went thru and now a part of my spiritual growth

[kin]

Philippians 4:11-13New International Version (NIV)

11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

God promise to provide
I am happy with what I have now

[kin]

Dear Diary,

I read on…..
12 August 2013, I wrote it was my day one.
14 Dec 2013, I wrote that I was more than 10 weeks clean
Last entry was on 21 Dec 2013, things was going wrong, I wrote that wave after wave of bad news hit me, I was hurting deep inside. life was becoming harder and harder even though I didn’t gamble.
I ask a question was this what “carrying my own cross and denying myself ” really feels like ?

I show human weakness, life was too hard, It was too painful, I turn away from God, and return to gambling.

I learn from that lesson, I had to focus on God and not on my problem, One Day At A Time.

Another thing that stood out now

In the past, when I stop gambling, I was either ending up drinking or sleeping with woman or working like a workaholic eventually

Today dated 22 May 2015, I am 106 days clean since 5 Feb 2015 , I shall continue to try …
to remember God more each day and myself less each day ODAAT.

This time really feels very different from the many other times in the last ten years. God has help me to not only stop gambling, but also stop drinking, sleeping with woman, overworking and all my other old ways at the same time.

I am very confident that I will remain clean after 180 days, I trust God, everyday now was my commitment to God.

I have learnt from past experience, if I lose focus and turn away from God, I will be gone! I will lose myself to the devil.

[kin]

One day at a time, think of God a little more
and think of myself a little less

Today I pray to God, I am nothing, you are everything.

I was the same person who sold 1 million dollars worth of unit trust each time and earn 30,000 dollars worth of commission in the early 1990s (not inclusive of my incentives and bonuses.)
and earn only 20 dollars a day for 2 hours work between 12 am to 2 am working as a cleaner scrubbing grease off Burger King kitchen wall and washing the floor there in 2013.

This was what gambling did to me in the past

I am happy now. God change my life.

[kin]

There was a time when I thought only death ……

Only death can stop me from all the self destructive acts

God help me realised all that was wrong now

[kin]

Lately, was thinking of the things I did because of gambling in the past.

One day, I was like suffering the strong withdrawal of heroin at home and had no money to buy them
In reality, I don’t have enough money to feed my gambling but I felt that I must have them even if it didn’t belong to me.
My urge was so strong, the intense feeling was very unbearable… that was what it feels like
I was so desperate I actually pick on the lock of a drawer belonging to a family member

It wouldn’t have happen if I was not gambling, isn’t it

This was what gambling did to me

[kin]

Dear P,

Its been years in here, has miss you and the rest.
The writing was something I pick up from those psychologists, they always encourage us to write down our thoughts, feelings and action. I learn that they are separate but are related and one do not have to act it out because you think and feel like it.

I have faith in you and the rest, I am sure you will be successful in recovery.

God blessed!

[kin]

Dear Diary,

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Why? let me confess,

Tonight my thoughts make me a bad person
– a liar / a cheat / untrustworthy person

My focus was on my flat and making money using old ways that I was familiar
My housing installment is about 400 dollars per month now

When my mind start drifting, it become dangerous
Initial thoughts was fun, innocent and harmless
I started to plan what to do

I thought if I have 200,000 dollars and my interest earned was 2.5%
I will have an extra 5000 dollars every year which will cover the whole year housing payment, right?

I do not have 200,000 dollars.
So what can I do ?
I was thinking, I only need to have 10,000 dollars
I can go for low risk gamble which gives me a 25% pay out in sports betting
I only need to do it 2 times over 365 days
I will win enough to pay 12 months of payments
My 10,000 dollars capital remains, I can do it again and again
The winning will pay for everything

I was thinking how I could make enough money to pay out
all my remaining housing installments for the next 208 months.

On paper it looks like I am planning “to take over the steering wheel “
I was planning to take back the control from God

I want to be my own master

I was insane,
still trying to do the same thing and expecting a different results.

This plan is wrong,
I don’t want to work hard to get the results,
I want an easy way out.

I was impatient
I want a quick way out.

I never expected myself to be more than 100 days clean
And slipping away mentally

I only lost focus on God
and focus on gambling during a short bus journey
One wrong thought leads to another wrong thought

I may not have a gambling feeling now
But I know I was thinking about gambling

What happen if one day I carry out my thoughts when I had the feeling
I will lose all I had, It is more than money

How am I going to face God, my family and friends

This afternoon I was in deep thoughts reading about a man, the late Mr Robert Yeo who started a successful halfway house for recovering drug addicts.
He was a recovering person, a successful one for a long time, he inspire many people to follow his foot steps to inspire and encourage others.
He committed suicide in the end, why ? isit guilt, Isit shame?

The Devil got me today!

I just finished a 12 hours shift, am I tired mentally?
I need a shower and a good rest now….
I need to pray to God

I don’t need to gamble
I don’t need to be dishonest
Life is good now

God gave me enough
Why do I become greedy and want more

I am greedy, I want more
and I want to do it my way and not God’s way

Heavenly Father, forgive me!
Please have mercy on me for I have sin,
Help me see my wrongs,
I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen

[kin]

Dear Diary,
God change my life
I have never experience the kind of calm, peace, love and stability in my life now for a long time.
I want my life to be like this but has not been able to do it.

My love ones is everything to me but it couldn’t stop me
Good health was important to me but it didn’t stop me
My career was my life but it didn’t stop me
Money was important to me but it couldn’t stop me
I was working hard building my life and pulling everything down slowly at the same time in the past.

I have hope now
I don’t feel lonely and empty now
I learn to love others again

Loving Father, help me forsake self-centered attitudes and actions in order to take up my cross daily and serve You.

[kin]

Matthew 16:23
You are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s

The apostle Peter is a glaring example of the struggle between self- and Christ-centered living. Only moments after Peter confessed the fundamental truth that Jesus Christ is the Messiah, the Son of the living God (Matthew 16:13-16), he found himself in league with the powers of darkness. Having just blessed Peter for his noble confession, Jesus announced to him and the other disciples the suffering and death which awaited Him at Jerusalem. “And Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, ‘God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You’” (verse 22).

Jesus responded: “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s” (verse 23).

Jesus’ memorable rebuke seems mercilessly severe. But the fact that He identified Satan as the source of Peter’s words describes precisely and appropriately the character of the advice Peter tried to give: “Save yourself at all costs. Sacrifice duty to self-interest, the cause of Christ to personal convenience.” Peter’s advice was satanic in principle, for Satan’s primary aim is to promote self-interest as the chief end of man. Satan is called the “prince of this world” because self-interest rules the secular world. He is called the “accuser of the brethren” because he does not believe that even a child of God has a higher motive than self-service. You can almost hear him hissing, “All men are selfish at heart and have their price. Some may hold out longer than others, but in the end every man will prefer his own things to the things of God.”

That’s Satan’s creed, and unfortunately the lives of all too many Christians validate his claims. Satan has deceived them into thinking they are serving themselves when in fact they are serving the world, the flesh, and the devil.

Prayer: Loving Father, help me forsake self-centered attitudes and actions in order to take up my cross daily and serve You.

[Author]

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