[kin]

dear smee,

you are so young, you have such a bright future in front of you.

you do not have to make the same mistakes and be caught in the same vicious cycle of addictions that many of us in here did, many years and money was lost as a result.

you do not want to struggle with this problem for the next 30 years, you do not want to lose away your salary time and time again.

you do not want to stop gambling for 29 days only to lose everything away on the day you receive your pay. then it start all over again.

I read your post and one thing caught my attention.

your memory of your past big wins is very dangerous, this memory of past big wins has sent one too many of us back to gambling.

if we have done it before one time, or many times, we can do it again, this irrational and distorted thoughts can sound very convincing and true to us, it will try to justify the reasons for us to return to gambling.

do you like to break free from the bondage of addictions?

do you like to be free from the slavery of money?

if you really want to change, everything about the old me has to go.

[kin]

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you’re stronger
Stronger than you know

Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don’t have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That’s what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

[kin]

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
‘Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
There will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I can’t wait until that day where the very one
I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame
And misery, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the tears,
He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears

There will be a day

[kin]

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I cannot climb
You carry me, Jesus, carry me

You are strength in my weakness
And You are refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
And every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus, carry me

You are strength in my weakness
And you are refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

You, You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You are strength in my weakness
You are refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything

You are strength in my weakness
And you are refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

Everything, You are everything I need

[kin]

“How Can It Be”
I am guilty
Ashamed of what I’ve done, what I’ve become
These hands are dirty
I dare not lift them up to the Holy one

You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
You break my chains, you overcome
You gave your life to give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be, how can it be?

I’ve been hiding
Afraid I’ve let you down, inside I doubt
That you still love me
But in your eyes there’s only grace now

You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
You break my chains, you overcome
You gave your life to give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be, how can it be?

Though I fall, you can make me new
From this death I will rise with you
Oh, the grace reaching out for me
How can it be, how can it be?

You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
You break my chains, you overcome
You gave your life to give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be, how can it be?

[kin]

Brother Jordan, you have taught me well, I continue to seek God every day.

My recovery focus more and centered on God, less on people, places and things.

I am no longer over reliance or dependent on people, places and things now, in their absence, I do not feel alone and vulnerable as I walk closely with God.

I have also read about how I can let go of the steering wheel and let the Holy Spirit lead me.

It has taught me that there will be times if I respond based on my past experiences or wisdom, such an approach will get me into trouble. I must always go back to the Bible for truth or for the Holy Spirit to reveal the Truth.

My experiences cannot be my guide. Every experiences must be controlled and understood by the Scriptures. The God revealed in the Scripture does not change.

As I continue on this spiritual journey, I look forward to meeting with you again, my good brother.

God is great! God help me change when I could not.

[kin]

Dear diary,

An experience new recovering friend I met told me this and it help me to understand how to share better, he said ” if Jesus really help you, you must let the others know.”

Since then I have been sharing how I tried for more than 9 years and has not been successful staying total abstinent properly and happily, the experience recovery people around me can spot the difference in my clean days with theirs.

I can be total abstinent but I was still not free from the bondage of all addictions and slavery to money and sins in the past, the ending was predictable, I will slip/relapse one day.

Everything changes after I knew Christ,
I decided to carry my cross, deny myself and follow Jesus.

Another good news, when the student was ready, the teacher will show up. I met a wonderful messenger of God, God send brother Jordan Neo to help me.

He has done many for me and he work for God.

He encourage me to seek God and walk closely with God.
He want me to focus on God one day at a time, pray to Him, talk to Him.

He encourage me to attend church and read the bible
When I work on Saturday and Sunday, he want me to work hard, I must continue to attend Church, find a church that has a service on weekday and I found one Church that run a support group meeting on Tuesday and has been going there for more than 4 months now.

He share with me how to made the right decisions, in the event when I have a problem or a question in life, how I could find my answer in the scripture and God’s word found in the bible.

he also share with me it was mention in the bible that the body is the temple….I must take care of my body. it help me understand the importance of sleep; tiredness and stress is very dangerous and harmful to my recovery. I don’t abuse substance and put toxic into my body nowadays. I have skin eczema, it can cause me great stress, especially when the weather is changing and hot, this is something I cannot change, I pray to Jesus Christ when this happen, I continue to deny myself and rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus Christ.

I receive many advise from many people in many places whether I like it or I don’t, sometimes it feel like they are forcing it down my throat without my consent and consideration to how I feel, I feel like walking away but it is very rude, I don’t want to hurt their feeling and be very offensive to turn them down. Everyone have something to say.

Some of them are so convincing, it sounded so good and true like the real thing, regardless of how good it may sound, brother Jordan has taught me something very important to check myself, to listen to their words very closely. Whether they are speaking the words of God or the satan. It help me separate the God centered people from the self centered people, this has help me to stay clean and kept me safe.

Mr and Mrs Jordan have shown me unconditional love and taught me God’s great love for us. I was really touch, the love has spread to my family.

I learn to love again.

Recovery is about love, it is not about punishment.

I trust God and have faith in Him.
God promises, I believe Him.
God has never fail to deliver.

I started counting my clean day on 5 Feb 2015 the way it was done in the Anonymous Groups.

there are many peace and joy in this way of recovery, it was unlike the white knuckle recovery I experiences in the last 9 years of trying other ways.

This journal document everything, on the 17th September 2014, I wrote about my thoughts, feelings, and actions on the day. I read it yesterday and today. It was very clear I am still not free from the bondage of addictions and slavery to sins and money. I was still trying to use my own analytical mind and reasoning to convince myself not to act out, it was a fight and struggle to stay clean for that one day, I succeeded for that one day but how long can I stay stop fighting and struggling in this way long term, it is like a baggage one carry on them, it can be a burden and weaken a person. Not surprise now, I was reading my input days after, dated 8 December 2014, it look like I have slipped again.

I have experience and can see very clearly the kind of freedom that God can give me.

Recovery is suppose to be a happy and joyful one
if one is struggling and fighting all the times
something is wrong some place, you will end up in the same pit again, please seek help and talk to someone.

Pray to God, seek God
I cannot, He can

Heavenly Father, please heal all the brothers and sisters in GT and give them total recovery in Jesus ‘s name I pray. Amen!

May God bless you all,
I love you.

[kin]

I am not only free from the bondage of addictions

I am also free from slavery of money

[kin]

Dear diary,

Good counsellor, Skilful facilitator, Compassionate, loving and caring man was how I describe brother Zheng Nam who is leaving the place running the support group today.

During my difficult days, I was attending a support group facilitated by him.
When mum was very sick, his attention and concern for me was comforting
When I was troubled, he always lend me a listening ear

He was one of two God messengers that have help me find the way to be closer to God, when I go to them with my problems, they will point me to the scripture for God ‘s answer.

Its been close to 22 months now

He has help many.

Everyone was sad by his departure but I was feeling happy because I met him, happy because I was one of many beneficiary when he was around, his leadership and guidance has been a very positive influence

He was a man of substance and a man working for God.

I am sure he will continue to bless many.

[kin]

Dear diary,
Today I return from a support group meeting feeling below:
How many have tried committing suicide only to return back to gambling
How many was put behind bar only to return to gambling after their release
How many scholars memorized the recovery program only to gamble drink or steal
How many pastor, priest and addiction counsellor was telling others not to gamble, drink, prey on vulnerable people for sex or steal only to do it themselves
How many promises was made to God and love ones only to be broken
Until 2014, I still believe that the only time I can stop for good was after I die, dead man cannot act out in destructive ways.

How many hypocrites have I witness since 2005, too many until I start to believe I was hopeless and no different from them.

I can never imagine and never thought that I can be where I am today.
My life has change, I was blessed by messenger from God
If I consider my last gamble and drink, I would have gamble and drink for more than 30 years
Along the way I become a workaholic, sex , food addict,
I didn’t like drugs after trying when young

I listen to my God’s messenger
focus on God one day at a time
try to read God’s words as much as I can
learn to refer to God ‘s scripture and words when I need to made a decision
I start to be mindful and look after my mind and body after learning that my body is His temple.
Most importantly I start praying more regularly

This my story.
I could not change.
God gave me Grace, and change me.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I was reading the posts from others in December 2013

It was a very painful and difficult period for me when many things are taken away from me.

During these times, there are many friends from GT who came in to drop a line or two to encourage me.

I was touch and grateful to all of you and would like to take this opportunity to thank you.

Times flies, life have pick up for me now, things are looking brighter, and I am enjoying my recovery like I never did before.

love you all….

[kin]

7 “Two things I ask of you, LORD; do not refuse me before I die:

8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.

9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’

Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I was brought up in a family with a few generations of substance and behavioural abusers

I can see how my grandparent affect my parent

How my parent affect my siblings

How I affect everyone

I can only pray to God to please free the living ones from the curse

I can see them suffer

I finally stop my destructive ways but mum continue to gamble, sis started to get intoxicated to numb her feelings

This was what I do for more than 25 years heavily

I am pretty strong now but I feel a sense of sorrow and sadness seeing sis suffer and mum so stubborn

Heavenly Father I pray to you to heal my mum and sister, please heal them and give them total recovery in the name of JESUS I pray. AMEN!

[kin]

Dear dairy,
Praise God!
Without the meeting
Without the mentor
Without the fellowship
I am not falling this time

People can reject me,
Places can kick me out,
Things can be taken away from me now
It doesn’t affect me too much anymore;
my recovery does not center on them

My focus is not on people, places and things anymore
Over reliance on these have set me up to fail and relapse many times in the past
It could not help me stay stop

It is ODAAT for me now
I seek God daily
Focusing on God one day at a time
Listening to His Word
Obeying, following and walking closely with Him

Outside, people, places and things can change
Inside, nothing changes, He is in my heart

I can be alone, or in the company of many,
in the desert, or in the church
With or without good job, much or little money

I no longer feel the kind of prolong loneliness, emptiness
Sadness and hopelessness that made me self-medicate

I am not alone

[kin]

Dear diary,

Its one thing to be cheated
and another thing to cheat others.
Its worst to cheat myself.

We all have a choice
We are free to make our choices
but we are not free to escape its consequences.

Do not deceive yourself

God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows ~Gal 6:7

[Author]

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