[kin]

Dear Bettie,

like the serenity prayer says, “….serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can…..”

look like you have these areas in your life to work on with regards to health, Jen, mum, work , your addiction and finance. They are already more than a handful and a source of big stress, pain and anxieties in your life.

Please stop all the other self destructive acts immediately!

One day an uneducated elderly man surprise me with this wise saying,” When you have a problem, you don’t create another problem to make it a bigger problem. ”

Stop seeking relief from the slot machines and alcohol now and start your ODAAT recovery today.

When you talk about not telling the rest in GA meeting, it was obvious it got something to do with your pride and ego, it is not a sign of weakness to be honest and admit our wrongdoings, infact it takes strength and courage to admit what has happen and you need your sponsor in GA to help you with Step 4, 5. Time to work on your honesty, open mindedness, willingness in Step 1,2 and 3.

You know what you need to do. Start today.

It is time to heal now.

With love

Kin

[kin]

Hi Bettie,
I am so sorry to hear about the difficult period that you are going through now. So many things are not going your way, it must be very stressful and frustrating. This is when anyone of us can be very vulnerable.
Don’t be too hard on yourself about the slips, it is time to take one baby step at a time now, one day at a time.
I have been reading your recent posts and notice you have come a long way, you are now familiar with the 12 steps recovery programme unlike when we first met, am sure you know what you need to do.
You have inspire and encourage many including myself, hang in there sister, this difficult period too shall pass. “everything is not ok but you will be ok”
In GT, GA, I cannot, We can!
And we will always be work in progress

I will pray for you.

With love
Kin

[kin]

miracle do happen!

finally we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
this did not happen overnight, both you and me have fallen and stood up, fallen again and stood up again until we have lost counts over the many years but we keep on trying, many in here are our witness.

and dearest P, thank you for being there

Anyone new reading this, I pray that you will keep on trying

there was this saying, “Don’t quit before the miracle happens.”

miracle do come true, everyday to someone, somewhere in the world but it only happen to the one who keep on trying

God bless all the brothers and sisters in here

GA – 12 steps recovery programme; ” I cannot, we can”
Faith based recovery programme – “I cannot, HE can”

[kin]

Dear G,

well done on staying clean ODAAT

Thoughts
have time and money to spare

Feelings
go to a casino

Actions
go for a relaxing swim

[kin]

Dear diary,

I am enjoying my recovery this time round like I never did before in the past.

Enjoying recovery does not mean there is no trial and temptation during this period of clean times, infact the numbers is adding up over time but the truth was the anxiety level I experience from them now is really very low compare to the old days.

Bible Verses about Trials And Tribulations

Matthew 4:1-10
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.”

But he answered, “It is written,

“‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” ……..

——————————————————————–

deep thoughts……..I found my answer

There will be times in life when I do actually have the power to do it, it could be a gamble, it could be a woman, it could be work related….It will feed my human desires and flesh, should I do it ? Why shouldn’t I ?

In Matthew 4:1-10
Jesus has the power to change stones to bread
but He did not
Instead He answered,” it is written
“‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word
that comes from the mouth of God.’” ……..

Praise God!

[kin]

Step 4
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
How It Works
……Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.
We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
-A.A. Big Book p.64

… Step Four will help us toward our recovery more than we imagine. Most of us find that we were neither as terrible, nor as wonderful, as we supposed. We are surprised to find that we have good points in our inventory. Anyone who has some time in the Program and has worked this step will tell you that the Fourth Step was a turning point in their life. …..We are trying to free ourselves of living in old, useless patterns. We take the Fourth Step to gain the necessary strength and insight which enables us to grow.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 4/Step 4

—————————————-
Dear diary,
I want to attend the church service at 7am, I need to wake up at 5am today.
Thoughts
I woke up but tell myself I am very tired,
I could not sleep last night,I only manage to sleep at 3.30am

Feelings
I feel tired from lack of sleep and body aches from the jog.
I focus on the tiredness and aches / pain
The more I focus on that the more I feel like going back to sleep
Action
I went back to sleep

This is me, I am imperfect,
My desire to sleep was more important than meeting God.
I have a big problem here. I still have a problem with letting go of my self-will completely
I need to work harder in this area.

The daily slow jog I just started and quiet time is helping me.
The deep thoughts as I am walking home from the park after the jog really peel off my outer layer, strip my mask and reveal who I really was inside.
I am going to attend the 7pm church service and pray later.
I fed my desire and push God aside today, I must pray to God for forgiveness and help.

Does my actions show that I was complacent in recovery or was I ungrateful to God or was it just a case of bad habit ?

——————————————-

I have seen the Grace and Mercy given to me by God.
I was able to buy sis and mum a decent lunch from the restaurant immediately after I woke up. I used to reserve those money for my gambling capital. Everything changes now.
I want to pray and give thanks to God for that and all the love given to my family.

—————————————

I just return from the evening church service, the pastor says that we all have a choice;

we can choose between the pain of discipline
or the pain of consequences.

[kin]

~ (Morning) ~

Dear Diary,

A recovering person want to stay stop and want to gamble / drink alcohol / take drug too

it is set up to fail, you can only have one, you can never get both

~ (afternoon) ~

Dear diary,

After my jog as I was slowly walking home, during this quiet time alone, with God.

I receive this message

No one can serve two masters.
I either serve God or myself
It is still about doing God ‘s will and giving up my will.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I am going to motivate myself to work harder and connect to God.

I am going to jog again. ( since 14th July 2015)

[kin]

Dear diary,
As I do a short reflection, I notice the recent temptation I had was due to the stress
Stress not from my the addictions or debts, this part was either manageable or a history,
It was stress from the additional work load or burden at work and the responsibility of looking after my elderly mother.

Why do I habitually risk complicating matter by gambling?
Why do I want to add more problem to the one I already have now?
On paper, it just does not made sense, I have lost my common sense, my thoughts is clearly distorted.

What have change during this time?
My situation has improves a lot now and not troubled by the debts and my addictions.
I still attend the same activities to keep myself safe.

What I don’t understand about myself was….
If I am in deep troubles, I knew only strong faith and trust in God can pull me out. The heavy burden and constant pain remind me to look to God for relief.
My situation has improves, some burden and pain are not there anymore now, so the constant reminder and hunger to look to God was taken away now.
Slowly my mind loses its focus, I start to listen to my thoughts and its plan,
I start to look at my feelings, and its anxiety and fear,
I start to seriously look at my desire to fix / correct it immediately and carry out my own will,

I have now notice that the constant pain from the suffering has actually help me kept in constant focus on God.
However, it is becoming a new challenge for me now, the 12 steps recovery programme call this complacent,
I also remember the common saying among friends in GA,AA and NA, that EGO also stands for Edge God Out.

back to the drawing board, I will work harder!

[kin]

2 Corinthians 12:7-10
The apostle Paul gives an account of the method God took to keep him humble,
and to prevent his being lifted up above measure, on account of the visions and revelations he had.

We are not told what this thorn in the flesh was,
whether some great trouble, or some great temptation.

The enemies hide our pride from us.

If God loves us, he will keep us from being exalted above measure;
Spiritual burdens are ordered to cure spiritual pride.

This thorn in the flesh is said to be a messenger of Satan which he sent for evil;
but God designed it, and overruled it for good.

If an answer be not given to the first prayer, nor to the second, we are to continue praying.
Troubles are sent to teach us to pray; and are continued, to teach us to continue instant in prayer.

Though God accepts the prayer of faith, yet he does not always give what is asked for:
as he sometimes grants in wrath, so he sometimes denies in love.

When God does not take away our troubles and temptations,
he gives grace enough for us, we have no reason to complain.

Grace signifies the good-will of God towards us,
and that is enough to enlighten and enliven us,
sufficient to strengthen and comfort in all afflictions and distresses.

His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
Thus his grace is manifested and magnified.
When we are weak in ourselves, then we are strong in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ;
when we feel that we are weak in ourselves, then we go to Christ, receive strength from him, and enjoy most the supplies of Divine strength and grace.

[kin]

By Billy Graham • February 20, 2006
“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23).
In Jesus’ day, a cross was a symbol of suffering, and we all have trials and afflictions that may be very hard for us to bear—even with God’s help.
But Jesus meant something far deeper than this when He told His disciples to carry their cross.
In Jesus’ day, a cross wasn’t just a symbol of pain and suffering; it was mainly a symbol of death.
What Jesus was telling them is that they needed to put to death their own plans and desires, and then turn their lives over to Him and do His will every day.
“Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:27).
He calls on us to commit our whole lives to Him—to trust Him alone for our salvation, and then to follow Him as His disciples.
Have you put to death your own plans and committed yourself to His will for your life?

[kin]

Dear diary,

Thoughts
my mind has been planning / contemplating for the last few days , if I had gone ahead to exercise my self will – I would have lost SGD1000 dollars today. The outsider won, the hot favourite lost the bet. It really sound and look almost impossible to me but it did.

I could have got myself into trouble again if I did not have a God or a recovery programme. I sounded so convincing to myself, it sound like it was the right thing to do.

Feelings
feel like this money don’t belong to me anymore.
no matter how careful and patient I can be, I can still lose the money in the end if I gamble.
feel that the Holy Spirit led me to do the right things when I was tempted, it has improve the quality of my life.

it is a fact that trials and temptations will come again and again in this life, I am made of flesh and human, I am not perfect and can be weak, I feel that I will continue to face life ‘s trials ,temptation and continue to be tested, this is another example, trials and temptations tried to pull me away to do the wrong thing and I want to do it. I had to depend on a Higher Power to be safe. I cannot, He can.

Actions
use this money to do right, not in my eye but in the eye of God.
I have to exercise giving up my self will more often and get used to following God’s will as mention in the scriptures.
( I have to think of myself less and think of God and love ones more )

I could not lie about my thoughts and feelings in the last few days. I have wrote them all down in here.
The professional always encourage us to be mindful / to increase our awareness; you can think about it, feel it, but you don’t have to do it / act it out etc. cognitive behavioural therapy and rational emotive behavioural therapy, this is another example.
this is the advantage of writing down all my thoughts, feelings and action in a journal. Thank you GT.

Instead of having zero dollars and nothing to look after my mum. I still have my hard earn SGD1000 dollars with me, I do not need to be desperate and borrow.

Another 10 days before the maid return.

[kin]

Dear diary,

Our family maid has return to Indonesia for a 2 weeks holiday and I had to apply 2 weeks leave to look after mum.

I have been using this opportunity to bring her out everyday to different places to try out different type of expensive food I used to pamper myself. Sometimes it can be very costly for a meal.

It is eating into my small saving very fast.
At this rate, it is possible to lose up to 50% of my little saving

Honestly I did show sign of weakness, when I shift the focus on myself and my money running out fast, I can feel the pinch and something else… is it feeling of fear ? it definitely trigger my thought to grow my money by gambling.

When I woke up today, I was refocus, my God and love ones take centre stage, the picture is very clear. What I am doing was an act of love for my 85 years old mum and a sacrifice. I am giving away my love, I am not going to gamble to make up the financial loss due to spendings.

God’s Grace is sufficient.
I will receive my salary in 2 weeks time, my small saving will be top up. Trust God.

I was still amaze by God’s power, I read His scripture and words in the bible, I obey and follow, I start to see myself receiving His Grace and doing the right things.

In recovery, this has been say many times, giving up my self will, I cannot He can, do His will.

Only when the old me dies, can the new life begin.

Miracles do happen!

Thank you Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, keeping me safe!

[kin]

Why did I have a second thought?
I was focusing on a problem and not on God.

Why didn’t I trust God?
I wanted to fix the problem quickly.
I can see a problem but not a solution, I start to feel insecure and my confident drops. I want more money.

God says I am the way
I wanted to do it my way, my way was more familiar, predictable and quicker.

Believing in something I cannot see. This was not taught in school.
School taught us to depend on knowledge and self -will.

When I focus on the problem, it can suddenly grow in strength and magnified many times and turn into fear, it can shake my confident and my trust in God, I can become impatient, anxious and panic, in the worst scenario, it could make me press the self-destruction button.

When I lost my focus on God, I make it harder for me to give up my self-will, it become so tempting to take back the control

What can I do?
Seeking God daily, praying to God, reading and listening to his words every day helps to refocus and grow in faith and strength. Thank you Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and Holy spirit for everything.

Our Father in heaven,
may your name be kept holy.
May your Kingdom come soon.
May your will be done on earth
as it is in heaven.
Give us today the food we need,
and forgive us our sins,
as we have forgiven those who sin against us.
And don’t let us yield to temptation,
but rescue us from the evil one.
In Jesus’s name I pray.
Amen!

[kin]

Hi Cursed23,

I am so sorry to hear about your traumatic experiences with regards to your sister, best friend and wife.

It is painful.

I have read your post and notice that you are doing a lot of escape gambling and gambling to numb your unhappiness, stress and anxiety.

Have you seen the professional for your depression?

Your acting out is turning into a vicious cycle, it was obvious you are trapped and could not free yourself from the bondage of addictions. It is becoming a vicious cycle every payday. Every time you receive the money, the mind become anxious and start planning how, when and where to act out. This behaviour only stop when you have no more hard earn money to feed the addictions. This is a very damaging self inflicted injury and painful punishment, how much more pain do you want to inflict on yourself? how much longer do you want this suffering to carry on?

it is time to put a stop to the pain and suffering, enough is enough! Stop pressing the self destruction button!

Let the healing begins.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to this site, you are not alone with this problem. I had the same issues, the depression, the self medication thru gambling and other forms of acting out, seeking relief in all the wrong ways, acting out only to numb my discomfort and escaping life’s realities, I have become a slave of money, working to feed my gambling until I lost everything, and had to work hard for the next one month only for the same thing to happen again and again, I end up working for nothing, I want this to end but I could not break free from the powerful bondage of addictions, it is all in the past now, there is HOPE.

In the meanwhile, you can write about ” what are your thoughts”, “what are your feelings”, and “what are your action plan” in here.

it can be very therapeutic,it will also be easier for others to give advise and encouragements on how to cope with your daily challenges.

Your journal will be your treasure and a blessing for others one day, you will see how you slowly walk out like many in here.

Get support, learn from the people in GA near you on how they practice the 12 steps recovery programme to stay clean.

Seek help from the medical professional for your depression.

I cannot, HE can. Talk to a priest or pastor on how to seek God and how to focus on God daily, listening to God’s word, and walk closely with Him.

I will pray for you.

With love

Kin

[Author]

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