[kin]

Dear diary
Why did I stay stop ?
How to stay stop ?
What to do to stay stop?
Where to go to stay stop?
Who can help me stay stop?
When do I start to stay stop?

[kin]

Dear P,
Hope all is well with you.
I have read my journals, and learnt from all my past events that stress:
from my work, debts, scalp eczema, caring for mum, pain due to exercise, relationship matters, the hot weather here, mood swing from depression can all cause gambling thoughts in me out of nowhere.

The truth is that we don’t generate thoughts,
the mind does. It’s on auto mode most of the time.

We are not our thoughts.
We are not our emotions.
We are the soul inhabiting the human body that is having those thoughts and emotions.

With a little practice, we can be good at watching thoughts
and not involving ourselves with them.
Thoughts die immediately when they are deprived of this fuel of interest.

The thoughts in our mind gain power from our attention and interest.
Our attention is the fuel for our mind.
Stop giving power to thoughts by not giving them our interest.

Blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,
Had a long talk with my sponsor about my dishonest and self-deceiving gambling thoughts on Sunday night. Told him how it became more frequent after I started exercising and experiencing stress from the body ache/ pain. How we both agree that when I feel stress or pain, my brain automatically look for relief or self-medication, I wanted to turn to gambling this time, hopefully next time I will learn to find relief from the stress or pain the healthy way.
This meeting has help me process my thought, feeling and emotion about the gambling thoughts, I accept its presence which is habitual, but I don’t have to follow my thought and feeling to gamble everytime I feel stress from the exercise. One day when my body get used to the exercise and the stress is gone, the gambling thought and feeling will go away too.
I do not want to keep the thought inside me and pretend it isn’t there, I don’t wish to risk allowing this dangerous thought to grow bigger and stronger, I don’t want to turn the thought into action so I took it out by confessing to my sponsor and God and let it die.
I can feel that the thought to gamble and the anxiety from it has weaken further on Monday and today after that meeting, feeling more at peace and calm now.

Anyway, 2 weeks has passed. Our family maid has return from her trip to Indonesia. Life at home is back to normal. It is back to work for me again.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I do not want to be dishonest about my clean days.
I do not want to be total abstinence in all form of addiction and slavery of money, only to be dishonest about my thought and desire to gamble if I had any. They are cancerous.

Imagine
They say I was honest when I confess to my sponsor after I gamble. Do you call this honesty? Why didn’t I confess and be honest to him about the thoughts before it turn into action. My sponsor cannot intervene after it happen.

Who am I kidding? Who am I deceiving ? Am I dishonest in not telling the truth?

How was I dishonest? How do I deceive myself ?
Since I am not gambling, I do not need to tell them.
they never ask so I do not have to tell. it was not my fault.

These dishonest and self-deceiving acts will not help us grow straight properly
One day this tumor or cancer will grow bigger and stronger
The strength to gamble will be stronger than the strength not to gamble.
The gambling thoughts will thus turn into action.

Imagine again
This time I was honest and confess to my sponsor that I have been having gambling thoughts lately.
I may be gambling free for many days but I have thought about placing the next bet recently.
These gambling thoughts can lead to action and can wipe out all the gambling free days.
These thoughts could be triggered by some new events, they happen for a reason, and it could be due to many things. It is time to sit down with the sponsor and work it out, clean it out of the system. Most importantly not forgetting to seek God and pray hard.

I shouldn’t be dishonest and feed the addiction
I must be honest about my thoughts, and feed my recovery.

Relapse prevention and intervention

[kin]

Dear diary,
The very first thing I felt when I woke up today was the pain from the body aches;
on the leg, hip bone and lower stomach. These come from the daily slow jog a walk I started since 14th July.
I have step up my spiritual, physical growth, and recovery.
I have some clean time in the bag now, am stronger ; is ready for it now and not be complacent.
Even though the body aches was expected, it still feels very painful, but I am not fleeing this time, I am ready to face it now, accept it and live with this temporily suffering; pain, stress and discomfort.
I wouldn’t encourage myself to do this right from the start anymore but I remember in my early journal way back in 2008, right from the start , jogging was part of my every comeback early recovery package. Now I am seriously considering whether it was such a good idea at all.
Imagine I was working on my spiritual, emotional, mental and financial health plus work matters and family relationship, throw in the exercise to build up the physical health. Does it look like one is doing too much? Is it becoming a baggage and burden. Under those situations, I feel that it either made a person stronger if he survive all these experiences or it would be too much weight and can pull the person down, am I setting myself to fail right from the beginning if I do too much.
The pain and stress from the exercise are a major distraction. In the beginning it was almost unbearable, I can feel my mind drifting all the time daily.
The need to find relieve from the body ache/ pain and stress in the form of those sports I love to read is getting more frequent. Writing journal at times is helpful but I cannot be writing all the times whole day round.
I do feel that I am not alone now.
I can feel that I am receiving more messages from my Higher Power in the form of Bible verses during these challenging times that has strengthen and not weaken me in recovery.
It has brought me to a whole new level of understanding about receiving God’s Grace.
I talk about not feeling the pain from my addiction and debt anymore after things has improve. Praise God !
The physical exercise is bringing me a different kind of pain and stress, but my brain cannot differential the different type of pain and stress, mental emotional and physical pain and stress to my brain looks the same. When there is pain, my brain automatically look for relief.
I am learning to accept the healthy pain and stress now, at least it was not those pain and suffering after hitting rock bottom, these are good and healthy ones. Yes, it still feel very painful and can be a trigger but not a valid excuse.
“rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus” says Apostle Peter
I have attended a 12 steps recovery program workshop yesterday, again the facilitator talk about people who get into trouble when they focus on problem and not solution.
In my God centered recovery, It was about working hard to focus on God and not the pain and stress.
It was still about seeking and focusing on God ODAAT
The stronger the pain, the more suffering from the stress, the closer I go to God for help, relief and comfort.
I am mindful and believe one day when I mature as a follower of Christ, I will not need these pain and suffering to remind me but right now, take away all the pain, I am afraid I will forget God and drift away.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for everything you have given me in the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen!

[kin]

Dear diary,
It was a pleasure to witness the Holy Spirit leading me and not me at the steering wheel
I would like to punt SGD 800 on sports
It happen 4 times, the last time was today
1 Peter 5:8
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Each time the Holy Spirit led me to do other things
there was no big struggle or heavy anxieties to do wrong.
Thank God! These words of God has kept me safe again.

In Matthew 4:1-10
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.
And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God,
command these stones to become loaves of bread.”
Jesus has the power to change stones to bread but He did not
Instead He answered,” it is written
“‘Man shall not live by bread alone,
but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

4 times, if I had proceed with the bets, I would have lost.

John 8:32 ESV
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

I will not gamble.
I trust God 100%.
God ‘s Grace is enough

[kin]

Psalm 69:6

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others. Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one is able to see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.

God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when our cracked pots let the light of Jesus shine through. Choose to be a glory-filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[kin]

Dear Bettie,

You’ re most welcome! Am glad you see the light.

Praise The Lord!

Blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,
Think it was a good thing
If I had started jogging earlier right from the start in the last few months when I was focusing on my repayment plans and staying total abstinence, I may be doing too many things at the same time. I was afraid that I would crumble under all the weight and stress.

After jogging for the last 10 days, it was not a bad idea to be kind to my body
go slow and not push too hard.
At my age and size, it was taxing and tiring to my body.
The body is aching all over and it is stressing me mentally every night because I have not been doing this for a long time and my body is not season or used to it yet. I can feel the pain now and it is very difficult to focus on other things….haha

But a most welcome one now without the burden of my addiction and debt issue. The pain and stress should be manageable and I should be able to stay clean.

I have been focusing in my spiritual, emotional, mental and financial health lately and neglected my physical health in the last 2 years, it is time to work hard on the exercise but I am going to be mindful and be kind to this old body.

I read that to be totally healthy, my spirit must be in alignment with God, while my mental, emotional and physical well-being must also be sound. The physical health of a person will go a long way to determine his/her quality of life.

I have a choice
I can choose between the pain of discipline now
Or the pain of consequences later

My journey continues
Work in progress!

[kin]

What addicts have in common is not the same drug of choice but a physical craving and mental obsession for mood-altering substances or behaviors.

Addiction is their shared problem and powerlessness is their common ground

“Addicts have an obsession with drugs or behaviors that forces them to use against their will,”

“We have lost our choice to use or not use drugs or behaviors of choice. We continue to use despite the negative consequences of our addiction. We can cry, promise and swear, but we use again.

GA,NA,AA,SLA,OA restores our choice, just for today.”

Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

[kin]

Dear Bettie,

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

It was nice to see many posts coming in to encourage you at this time.
This is a testimony to the bond that was build up with everyone during your times in GT.

Your relapse hurt us just as much as it hurt you because we care about you and knew how it feels like. Many will feel lousy including myself but it has also made me check my recovery and look at my last relapse and the need to take a moral inventory of myself urgently now.

“ For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” ( Romans 3:23).

Heavenly Father, search me and know my heart, test me and know my dishonest, self-deceiving and anxious thoughts. Help me God and lead me in the right way in Jesus name I pray. Amen!

Our relapse was a sign that we all need to work harder in our recovery, if we all do that, it can only make us all stronger in recovery.

Blessings

Kin

[kin]

Recovery and relapse:

Many people think that recovery is simply a matter of not gambling, drinking, drugging, overeating, overworking and sex to name a few.

They consider a relapse a sign of complete failure, and long periods of abstinence a sign of complete success.

We in the recovery program have found that this perception is too simplistic.

After a member has had some involvement in our fellowship, a relapse may be the strong and shocking experience that brings about a more rigorous application of the program.

By the same token we have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery.

Although all addicts are basically the same in kind, we do, as individuals, differ in degree of sickness and rate of recovery.

There may be times when a relapse lays the groundwork for complete freedom.

At other times that freedom can only be achieved by a determine willingness to hang on to abstinence, come hell or high water, until a crisis passes.

An addict who by any means can lose, even for a time, the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery.

The feeling of true independence and freedom hangs here at times in the balance.

To step out alone and run our own lives again draws us to a Higher Power, we have depended on a Higher Power greater than ourselves to succeed.

——————————————-

Many times in our recovery, the old bugs will haunt us.

Life may again become meaningless, monotonous, and boring.

We may tire mentally in repeating our new ideas

We may tire physically in our new activities,

Yet we know that if we fail to repeat them we will surely take up our old practices.

We suspect that if we do not use what we have, we will lose what we have.

These times are often the periods of our greatest growth.

Our minds and bodies seem tired of it all, yet the dynamic forces of change or true conversion, deep within, may be working to give us the answers that alter our inner motivations and change our lives.

Recovery as experienced through God or the Twelve Steps is our goal, not mere physical abstinence.

People with closed mind; stubborn ignorant and arrogant :-

To improve ourselves takes effort, since there is no way in the world to make a closed mind do anything, an opening must be made somehow.

Since we can do this only for ourselves, we need to recognize two of our seemingly inherent enemies, apathy and procrastination.

Our resistance to change seems built in, and only a nuclear blast of some kind will bring about any alteration or initiate another course of action. A relapse (if we survive it) may provide the charge for the demolition process.

A relapse and sometimes subsequent death of someone close to us can do the job of awakening us to the necessity for vigorous personal action.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I was so full of myself, I need a relapse to wake me up and push me to work harder in recovery.

My relapse led me to God, my new experience and close relationship with God gave me the freedom from the slavery and bondage of addictions that I have been seeking all these years.

You are my Savior, You are the Lord Almighty. Thank you Lord!

“ For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” ( Romans 3:23).

Heavenly Father, search me and know my heart, test me and know my dishonest, self-deceiving and anxious thoughts. Help me God and lead me in the right way in Jesus name I pray. Amen!

[kin]

While he didn’t say what sin he committed,

King David engaged in a public conversation about his struggles. He even put them into song.

“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away,” he wrote (Ps. 32:3 niv).

So he said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord” (v. 5).

When David confessed his sin, he found peace and healing that inspired him to worship God.

Our process of writing deep personal story has brought us closer than ever. God loves to exchange our guilt, shame, and isolation for His forgiveness, courage, and community!

Do we need to make an exchange with God, one of guilt for forgiveness? He is listening.

[kin]

While he didn’t say what sin he committed, King David engaged in a public conversation about his struggles. He even put them into song. “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away,” he wrote (Ps. 32:3 niv). So he said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord” (v. 5). When David confessed his sin, he found peace and healing that inspired him to worship God.

Our process of writing deep personal story has brought us closer than ever. God loves to exchange our guilt, shame, and isolation for His forgiveness, courage, and community!

Do we need to make an exchange with God, one of guilt for forgiveness? He is listening.

[Author]

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