[kin]

“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

I lost myself for a while –

“At some point in my recovery recently, I found myself somehow shifted away from trying to align with God to running on self-will. It happen so slowly and subtly that I hardly take it too seriously. It seem as though we are all especially vulnerable to self-will when things are going well.

I have crossed the fine line that divide humble and honest pursuit from subtle manipulation and force results.

I find myself going just a little too far. I find myself holding on to something just a little too long.

I suddenly realize that I have stop attending meeting and contact my sponsor for a while. I start to feel a quiet discomfort that will alerted me to this shift away from recovery”

Dear diary,
I was full of gratitude and joy when I work my Step 3 in the last 2 days. The reading in the guidebook describe my thoughts and feelings, and put them into words.

[kin]

Share this video with someone who is on the verge of giving up or feeling hopeless-

Now is not the time to give up…
Your prayers may take time but they are bringing results even if you can’t see them yet!

It’s time to be relentless in the way we pray because – It’s all about to become clear!

[kin]

Hi Bro and Sis,
How are you? I was thinking about you, hope all is well.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful video, I will share it with others.

1. Between 5th Aug to 15 Sep 2015, while I was adapting to changes at home and work, warning signs show up in my life, I started to experienced urges and craving thoughts and I start to feel and struggle with intense and anxious feelings,the red flag iss up.
2. I continue to pray to God. Though I knew God was always there but I cannot feel his presence or see the signs that HE is here during this dark time, the experience was so different from the last 6 months when the connection seem stronger.
3. Soon I stop going to support group meetings and talking to recovering people.
4. My false pride / grandiosity is affecting me – I slipped and I was afraid of the judgemental and critical people who are quick to criticise any person who have backslide. I am also afraid to disappoint God ‘s faithful followers, I don’t wish to be rejected by them. These behaviours was so unlike me, I survive until now because I learn not to be a people pleaser and my recovery was personal and not co-dependent on them.
Finally,I have force myself to return to support group meeting and talk to recovery friends about my recent experience and struggle.
Talking to recovering people, who have practice some form of recovery program for a number of years surprises me, I was very surprise it help me find my focus again, I was surprise it was that easy, I should have talk to them earlier and not do it alone, They seem to understand what I was going thru.
I choose to speak to the Christian ones and our discussion was center mostly on me feeling guilty and wrong about losing my moral value, doing things that displeases God and giving in to my desires to fix and find the balance in my life. I was confuse, I was impatient , I grab the steering wheel back out of fear, I was afraid if I did not fix it soon, I was losing my mind because my emotion and feelings was going crazy.
The psychologist make it very clear that I have a choice, what I did was normal. As a Christian, I have sinned and in recovery I have slipped. I am human and not a perfect person, I did not have a perfect Christian and recovery life.
Praise God! I feel secure and relax again. I am letting go of the steering wheel to God.
I felt very relieve now, I was very worried and fearful before, I did not know how long this episode is going to last and so afraid that it will go into a full blown relapse but it has come to an end and life is back to normal and I have learn something. Thank God.
My mental block is all cleared now and the writing is flowing again……

[kin]

My priority: My obligations and responsibility to my family and future.
Top priority: % of my salary goes to repaying my debtors now and saving for the future later.
How I see responsibility and the moral value in it?
If I am a responsible person, when I have a dollar, top priority for that dollar should be spend on supporting my family and love ones first, and not my repayment plan or gambling.
After taking care of my family and love ones , that dollar will be use to repay my debtor, and not gambling.
After my family expenses and other financial obligations and responsibility was taken care of, that dollar can be save up for other important thing such as my old age

Concern I have:
Using the money I can afford for investment or gambling since they are not illegal or dishonest, and if they are not morally wrong in doing and not self-destructive in nature. I can understand that a gambling recovery person should not gamble to grow his money, the answer is a clear no as it can potentially made me a very sick person but I still need to make money for livelihood in the end, right? I will continue to pray to God for the wisdom and answer to made the right decision. I will try to be patient, be still and wait.

Confident found in God:
I trust God, I read his words, I found hope, I have confident everything will be fine in the end.

John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Strength and confident I received from God.
Many times now but not all the times, I have found the strength to say no and walk away from gamble, dishonest money and easy money opportunities that could potentially made me pay a heavy price later in life.

Will I encourage another person or myself to continue and go total abstinence in recovery.
It is a big Yes!!!

It was during the long period of total abstinance in recovery that I have grown stronger in mental strength and my mind has become clearer, and my body has become cleaner. It was like a training in the beginning and a healthy lifestyle or a habit later.

All these training from staying total abstinence has prepared me for the bad days or challenging times like the one I had recently in the last 40 days –(5 Aug to 15 Sep 15)

I have done ok and walk out of another seasonal bad weather.

I cannot do it but the recovery group can.
I could not do it but God can. Thank you God.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I have procrastinated in the past, I made up my mind that today will be the day dated 15 Sep 2015.
I have missed almost all the meetings and stop going to recovering places and church since 5th Aug 2015. I have lost focus.

I felt that I have suddenly became more self-centered and less God centered in my living.
I knew I am suddenly struggling now.
I knew God was always here but I no longer have the same connection, I cannot hear and feel God.
My books are near, I can pick it up but I could not concentrate and absorb the stuff I read and I lost the patient to read too.
My last resort was playing service by popular pastors on youtube when I go to sleep.

Anyway back to this day, I told myself it is either today or I will struggle to go back, I just finished my 12 hours shift at 7 am and force myself to visit the recovery drop in center. I reach the place at 8 am, it was not open until 9 am but it is fine, I like to sit one corner quietly enjoy the peace all the time but not today, after 15 minutes I don’t have the patient so I left for the place to get myself a breakfast and come back later.
After breakfast, as I walk back to the recovery center, I thought to myself that this could be a bad decision, I should go home and sleep after finishing my graveyard shift. I was walking a long the passage way, an elderly beggar caught my attention, he look clean and have a small sling bag beside him, he doesn’t look like a homeless man, he look more like an elderly person who doesn’t have a clear man. It was a busy street with many people rushing to work, I was sure he will get what he wants but I hear me complaining he was hungry. A few person passes by, why didn’t anyone hear him or do anything. I knew it was my calling and I thank God for showing me he was here …thank you God, I bought a packet of food and a bottle of drink and hand it to the elderly man, I was still a little doubtful whether I made a good decision to reach out, maybe he just wanted money. I watch from a distance, I saw him immediately reaching into the plastic bag for the drink and look at the packet of food, I don’t have to watch anymore, I am sure this man really mean what he say when he tell people passing by him in the busy street he was hungry. I thank God for this opportunity do deliver the food to him. I thank God for showing his presence to me.
A moment ago, I was still telling myself that I could have made a bad decision, I should go home and not the recovering center at this early hour, the whole journey could be a waste of time and effort but after this incident, even if I do not benefit from the visit to the recovery center, this trip have help this elderly man, my visitto the recovery center was not a wasted trip.
When I reach the recovery center, I met a recovery person I met in year 2006, we sat down and chatted, soon there was 4 of us including the staff there. I can feel the difference immediately after. Here everyone speak the recovery language, talking to them help change my life focus back to my recovery mode, my God, my recovery and not my work, my money. Thank you God!
Everything happen for a reason. I was very sure if I had not work very hard to stay total abstinence for more than 180 days, I wouldn’t have strength to hold on to my recovery, I wouldn’t have the clear mind and body to feel…..feel the changes taking place in my life.
I want to follow Christ and his words, I was not perfect in doing so but I will do my best. I need God to give me wisdom to tell me what I can do and what I cannot do.
I can speak to the professional in psychology or people trained in addiction, they accept relapse as part of addiction, they accept that I am human, I have my needs and it was normal sometime. I shouldn’t beat myself up for doing a normal thing.
I can still remember the joy and peace I had and enjoy when I give up my self-will and follow God ‘s will. It was a beautiful experience, this is the kind of life I wish to have.
My journey continues…….

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXAuPGr7onA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1GAqdHOUhA

[kin]

For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

[kin]

What is my intent?
For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.(Roman7:18)
Enough is enough!
Living a lil more than one month doing what I want , not what God want.
I have found out and felt that it is not going to work out
I do not believe or trust now that I or my self-will is going to make my life any easier when fulfilling life‘s responsibility and obligations.

Why don’t I continue giving up my self-will and doing God’s will?
There will be discomfort in the beginning having to say “no” to what the devil want to do but the reward is going to be huge, I will have more peace, joy, gratitude and content.
All those life‘s responsibilities and obligations, meaningful and important things to me that I wish to do in life, will surely get done with God’s help.
It is good and convincing enough for me to do it. I will be a happy man

[kin]

Dear diary,
It is good for me to do a reality check and see where I stand now.
The truth is strange and scary.
In such a short time, I found myself losing the confident I had before
Its been 7 months since 5th Feb 2015 when I was able to do what I have not been able to do in the past by the grace of God.
The picture is so clear for me to see, now that I have taken back the control, I do not have the same confident that I could achieve what I did in the last 7 months in the coming few.
Going back to old ways only made me irresponsible and bad at financial obligations. I knew and I am very aware that I am so capable of squandering every cents I earn in many ways, the chief one was gambling. That was the old me and I am predictable in these ways.
I have experience the benefits of giving up my self-will, the discomfort of denying my desires and my plans and follow Christ. I can see how much good was given to me and felt so much joy, contentment and satisfaction by the grace of God.
What a world of difference I felt now after I start to feed my flesh, and do what I want.
Suddenly I cannot see the hopeful future and was no more confident that I will surely do all the same responsible things for the last remaining 4 months of the year.
Mental relapse have set in, my thoughts and feelings have change. If I did not do anything, my thoughts may turn into actions and I need God to help me now.

I have a choice and a decision to made.
It is either I continue to do my will or follow God’s will.
I am human, even at this moment when I put my thoughts into writing
I would like to follow God’s will and also do my will at the same time
but I read God’s word that I can only serve one master

[kin]

Dear Diary,

I notice that since 16 Aug, I was cautious and afraid, I became very focus on new changes in my life now especially my new daily routine and schedule.

Priority have been placed on getting enough proper rest and sleep as I am working in the graveyard shift now.

I have started a new habit since which was doing the relaxing slow jog on my off days.

Today it daunt on me one of the reason I feel weird was the big changes in my time and routines, I have stop attending those regular support group meetings due to work now and I have also not attended any church service.

But after 2 weeks, things is slowly taking shape, I am finding a new time to do my usual spiritual reading. Guess next on the list will be finding the available time if any to attend the church service and support group meetings.

Thank you God for everything. Family is good. Finance is fine. Work was good. Health is picking up.

I hope I could work harder on my spirituality with God / in recovery / in life which I feel is very lacking now.

It ‘s been a long time since I post at 7 am local time.

[kin]

Dear diary,

Life is quiet and relaxing now. Thank God.

The craving is not there today and it was easy to stay clean.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I am very glad that life is returning back to normal.
No more craving and strong urges from a few weeks back

It was so disturbing and disruptive to normal life
living become a struggles
losing my peace, calm, gratitude, contentment and patience.

Now that my mind is clearer
I can see the importance and it is now an opportunity for me
to work on and build up more peace, calm, gratitude, contentment and patience.
I will never know when I will be tapping on them again during struggling times.

The 6 months of total abstinence lifestyle; denying my desires and plans have definitely help me build up some more strength that kept me safe during the bad times.

I shall not be too disappointed with no being able to keep up with the near perfect recovery days I chalk up – it was like a honeymoon, it was sweet.

I just woke up after a long sleep feeling well rested and refresh. I felt something today which I hope, is not a form of self-deceit or an excuse. I have a thought that I should be grateful and be rejoicing and celebrating recovery.

I have just experience the benefit of staying abstinence
It has help me build up strength and resistance to say No or walk away from temptations.
There will come a day sometime in the future when I need to dig deep for these qualities to keep me safe from total self-destruction.
When I slip, it was this strength that help me stop and get me back up to my senses quickly and continue my journey forward in recovery instead of falling deeper into an endless hole.

I continue to thank God every day but I had also ask God for help, and many ”Why” questions during those struggling time. One thing stood out from that experience, I can try but I am human and made of flesh. I am not perfect.

Having other health conditions just make it this much tougher, when the health was not good, the level of stress I felt was that much more stronger. My mind became irrational, I was going to do the wrong thing but hoping that things will turn out alright. I was aware I took back the steering wheel from God. In recovery, they call this insanity.

Self-centeredness has creeped into my life and squeezing out the God-centered lifestyle.

I felt that God was there but I didn’t pray to God to do HIS will, I pray to God to do my will, I ask God to make the craving go away, I ask God to help me, I want things to be the same like the last few months, I don’t want my recovery to get tougher. I ask God not to let me lose my peace and happiness but the bad feelings did not go away and I continue to struggle. I did not want to struggle and suffer.

I have ask myself why did I want to give up all the beautiful things I had receive from God now for something that was a lie, end of the day I do it anyway. I slip.

I slip yet I do not wish this to turn into a relapse, because I was afraid to lose everything, been there done that many times. It was a scary, painful and dark period.

I wanted to update my journal and write about my thoughts and feelings honestly everyday but I struggle, the thoughts are messy and not flowing….

Then God ‘s word and messages suddenly kept coming in fast in the last 2 weeks again through the things I read and hear, when the messages return, I felt very reassured, Miss P thoughtful post also came in at this time.

I knew God was always there, but I was struggling to hear HIM, I had continue to read and hear his words but nothing get rooted deep inside me, this is something I don’t understand at all.

Now I learn that I need to wait, wait for God’s timing not mine. I must learn to do God’s will not mine.

I feel all relax and relief now. I do not have to claimed near perfect recovery days now , I am happy. I have come a long way since 5 Feb 2015.

I could have relapse from the latest slip, I could be hurting.
I had wanted to do all the bad things but I didn’t.
I actually went ahead to do the bad things, something stop me many times.

I only want to continue to seek God and work on my recovery now.
All this is not possible without the Grace of God.
I must pray to God and ask for forgiveness,
I have sinned

I am sure I must have sinned many times in the past and many times not knowing about them and I didn’t have the awareness and mindfulness to ask God to forgive me.

As I read my thoughts and feeling here before I post.
I found the following;
I slip but I don’t wish it to turn into a relapse
I am going to do the wrong thing but was hoping things will turn out all right

Somewhere in here. I don’t make sense. It looked like I still have reservations.

Haiz, I need to work my step 4, “make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself”

[kin]

Hi P,
Thank you for writing to me.
I was finding it hard and difficult to put thoughts and feelings into writing recently in the last 4 weeks.
I was experiencing a “not perfect” time in recovery.

I cannot understand why and what happen after a wonderful 6 months of total abstinent.
There were many different type of stress during this period, I recognize each stress have the potential and ability / power to trigger thoughts to go back to old familiar ways for quick fix.
Changes was taking place in many areas in my life in the last few weeks, I was trying to adapt to them in the best possible ways.

I cannot understand why the thoughts and feeling to feed my flesh was growing stronger after staying total abstinent for more than 180 days, I was thinking of myself more and more and not less suddenly recently. The devil make me doubt myself.

I find myself growing sicker by the days in the soul denying myself from my desires and plans (different temptations).
I felt fear and was getting impatient and discontented with having lesser and lesser money from my spending on living expenses. I wish I had more and took back the control.

I had an episode of slips.
I was watching myself closely, I saw me losing myself gradually slowly.
I felt something this time, there was a Higher Power in my life, can feel something holding me in the fall and keeping me safe. I cannot hear God but can feel God was there.
I could stop but I have question why I don’t want to deny myself and put to death my desires and plans immediately after doing it for more than 180 days.
Why the sudden change in my behaviors after being so faithful in the last 6 months.

I do not have the answer.

I think I don’t need to know anymore, I just need to continue to trust God.
Believing that God will provide me sufficient and have faith in God.
I need to be patient and wait for God’s timing for everything.

My new shift at work have begun and I have settled down now.
Since 16th Aug 2015, my shift start at 7pm and end at 7 am.
I am reading God’s words again, I am resting and sleeping well again
I had return to slow jogging to relax.
I am slowly getting back and more connected now .

There is no denying that I have gained some strength, more peace and happiness from staying abstinent for 180 days and it is also not a joke but a sad and shocking truth that It may only take 18 seconds for me to lose everything back and self-destruct.
I was very fortunate I did not suffer any financial losses and was not speeding away to self-destruction.

A reality check now shows my relationship with people, work, finance is better than a month ago.
I need to get closer to God, I was definitely backsliding lately and becoming more self-centered and less God-centered in life.
I am taking small steps in my slow jog and having lots of fun and joy, do it for another year or two, am sure my health will improve and my weight will correct itself.
I have come a long way, life has improve

Thank you God.

My journey continues……..

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTVGjw7TLIE

[kin]

The trouble is no matter how hard we try, we will still not be perfect.

“ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” Roman 3:23

define sin as missing the mark, missing God ‘s standard of righteousness

Consequences of Sin

The Lord says to the prophet Ezekiel, “The soul who sins is the one who will die.
The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father shares the guilt of the son” Ezekiel 18:20
However, the Lord does not “take any pleasure in the death of the wicked” but is
“pleased when they turn from their ways and live” Ezekiel 18:23

LOVE
God ‘s perfect love causes him to be merciful to those who recognize their sin and turn back to him. Do not think that your sin is too big or great for God to forgive!

Where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so the Grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Roman 5:20-21

Through the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, we not only receive forgiveness for all our sins, but also healing of our diseases Psalm 103:3

Evidence: The healing at the Pool ( John 5:1-9)

Do you want to get well ? verse 6

Get up!

“Pick up your mat and walk” verse 8

See, you are well again.

Stop sinning

Or something worse may happen to you” (John 5:14)

Decision and Action
Our life is an open book!

God has given us the free will to choose before us today
Blessing and curse

Blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord, and curse ( consequences of sin ) if we disobey ( Deuteronomy11: 26-28)

Those who attempt to deny their sin or keep it hidden
rather than acknowledge, confess and forsake their sin will make no spiritual progress in life.

God ‘s perfect love causes him to be merciful to those who recognize their sin and turn back to him. Do not think that your sin is too big or great for God to forgive!

“If you listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his eye, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the disease I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you “ Exodus 15:26

The Lord says ” I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security…I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and forgive all their sins of rebellion against me” Jeremiah 33:6-8

Jesus said ” Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” Mathew 11:28

“ Seek his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you as well” Mathew 6:33

“if you know the truth, the truth will set you free John 8:32

[Author]

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