[kin]

Dear diary,
If my family had made this wish that it is more important to them that I become a more caring, loving and more considerate person at home, more than me getting rich thru gambling or striking first prize in lottery, their wish came true this year by the Grace of God.
I can only write about the changes I saw this year different from the rest.
Someone at home who speaks very little to me is more comfortable talking to me more in conversation now. This is very important to me. I have disappointed and hurt my sister for decades. I made her feel unsafe in her own home.
Thank you God for everything you have given me, I have realize that God ‘s word in the Bible and the readings in the promises of the 12 steps recovery program was true.
Recovery is a day at a time program.
Too many self-inflicted tsunami have swept my life one too many times and changes everything suddenly because of gambling, no good thing last in my life in the past.
I need to be vigilant everyday now.
Is my action selfish and self seeking? Is my action hurting another person or self-destructive in nature? Can I give up my self-will and seek God ‘s will.
Everyday is day number one in recovery for me, not thinking too much about next year.
Next year is a wish for me.
My wish for this year has come true, this is the best thing and biggest reward I got in recovery. It was never perfect but was better than I expected.
This year has been more about consistency, stability and steadiness in recovery, more about giving and not just taking……

Recovery slogan: Seeking progress and not perfection in recovery.

[kin]

Hi all,

I only need to stay clean today.

I only need to focus on today.

and every day is day one in recovery for me.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I was such an irresponsible person when I was heavy into gambling.

Providing for the family, paying bills and servicing loans was not my strength for many years.

Simplest things such as paying phone bills and returning money I borrowed was something I struggle to do.

it may be a small thing to a normal person but it was a big thing to an recovering addict like me because it was something I could not do well for the last 28 years, I was either keeping the money for future gamble or I had already lost everything.

To be able to do all the above was a dream come true for me.

Everyday is day one in recovery for me!!!

Grateful to be clean today.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I did a reflection today and thought about something a friend shared with me and something I read about the ways our Higher Power can communicate with us and how we must learn to be sensitive to the Higher Power and connect to the message.
I also thought about the recovery parable on the two wolves, am I feeding my recovery or my addiction.
I have a long history of drifting into the wrong path intentionally or unintentionally all the times.
Praying daily and checking myself regularly become important.
So long as my decision is not harming another person and I am not engaging in self destructive acts, and I am not acting out in selfish and self-seeking ways, it should be safe to go ahead.
Slowly I see myself doing things differently.
Many times, I have to give up my self-will, I maybe tired but doing what my 85 years old mother want actually make her happy, it doesn’t matter anymore and is no longer important whether I am happy or not with her plan, her plan is not important anymore, because sometimes her mind is not sound at this age but doing what she want make her satisfied and pleased in the end.
I am beginning to accumulate a saving, and the message has come to me to give Grace to someone who needs it more than me just like the situation I was in 2 years ago instead of keeping the money for selfish and self-seeking ways such as gambling for my own pleasure.
What surprises me was the message I got to refurnish the bathroom accessories in my family home which will cost me a few hundred dollars.
The Holy Spirit is leading me and telling me to do it, my role was to obey.
My self-will would have tell me to keep the money for myself after all I have my own place and I also need the money to renovate that place. Why don’t I hold on to the money.
I trust my Higher Power. God has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. (II Corinthians 12:9).
After doing the right thing, my fund will drop low without fail.
And I can never understand how everything can actually end well in the end nowadays. I could not have plan it, at least when I did plan it many times in the past, it never work. I actually see my money grow, it never happen to me in the past. In the past, the money come and slip away…..
Just like the promises of the 12 steps recovery program says.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us . We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.
Even though it may be difficult for us to see and understand at this moment of time how this is going to be accomplished later but they do come true.
I experience it. It is all very new to me, the feeling is strange, the ending a happy one.
Many times in life, God don’t need me to understand everything, I don’t know where electricity comes from, I need water but I never care where they come from, I just use what works for me.
I just need to trust and believe in my Higher Power. Have faith and have hope. All will be good in the end by the Grace of God.

[kin]

Blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,
Anytime my awareness was low
I would lose very important things, my peace and serenity, joy and happiness
These things just sneak in and happen

I had accumulated 10K, I was happy and grateful then
But when I used up 8K to clear my personal loan, my thoughts and feelings became confuse
I suddenly felt that I don’t have enough money and was not contented with the current situation
I wish to have more money and this was how I lost my peace and happiness.

Today when I put pen to writing, the picture became very clear
I should be grateful to clear my 8k loan and be free
I should be contented to have 2K saving when I could have none.
It was not so long ago that I do not have the means at all and stress was a big part of my life.
Now I am free but I forget to be contented with whatever I have and be grateful to God for everything

This feeling of not enough, discontentment can be really very destructive and a real robber of peace and happiness in my life.

Everyday I must remember to pray.
Thank you God for helping me do things that I could not do for myself and thank you for everything that you have given me!

[kin]

Dear diary,
I cannot comment about anyone else except my life.
I never had a perfect recovery and was never perfect every day.
It was this reality that is putting people like me in real danger.

I can be doing the right things for many days but there are always days when I will slip in to old ways.
Unlikely intentionally or Likely unintentionally or worst likely intentionally, either way I could slip into old ways.
How vulnerable are we to slipping from God-centered ways to self-centered ways
How unexpectedly I can slip from “interest before self” to self before interest and “principle before personality” to personality before principle.
If I am human, what happen to others can happen to me!
How I can slip into self-seeking ways and put myself at risk!

Unless I check myself daily and put to death my desires, plans and self-will.
Unless a Higher Power is leading me

I can only hope that when I slip, I do not spiral out of control and “ KA BOOM!!!” self-destructed and destroy myself as a result.

The warning is real! Since history was documented, we always read about them.

Self-centeredness
1a. God placed Adam and Eve in a beautiful and bountiful garden. He told them not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Eve saw that the fruit was pleasing to the eye and desirable for gaining wisdom, so she ate it (Gen. 2:16-17; 3:1-7).

How many times have I give in to “love for money”, “ love for woman”, “ love for any substance that can fix my mood” so desirable and pleasing to my eyes?

God-centeredness
Potiphar’s wife daily begged Joseph to come to bed with her. He told her he could not do such a wicked thing and sin against God. When she tried to force him, he fled the room and went to prison rather than yield to temptation (Gen.39)

I am not Joseph but I can try to learn from him.

God had promised to give the land of Canaan to Israel. Moses sent 12 men into the Promise Land to explore it and bring back a report. The land was bountiful, but the people living there were seen as giants (Num.13-14).

Self-centeredness ways
2a. Ten of the spies said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are” (13:31)

How many times when I was fearful and unsure, afraid and anxious that my ways switched from right to wrong?

God-centeredness
2b. Joshua and Caleb said, “If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land…do not be afraid of the people of the land” (14:8, 9)

Self-centeredness is a subtle trap. It is so convincing and makes so much sense.
Like King Asa, you can avoid it at one time and fall right into the trap at another time.

God centeredness
3a. King Asa was facing Zerah the Cushite’s army in battle. He said, “Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God; do not let man prevail against you” (2 Chron. 14:9-11).

Self-centeredness
3b. King Asa and Judah were threatened by Baasha, king of Israel. Asa sent gold and silver from the temple and his own palace to Ben-Hadad king of Aram asking for his help in this conflict (2Chron.16:1-3).

2015 has been the best recovery year for me since I started recovery in 2005.
More than 10 months has passed this year, I am proud to say that I have more clean days this year when I gave up my self-will.
The truth is that there were still days when I was not the same. There are times when I became impatient or panic, and took over control of the steering wheel, especially when I feel threaten and not safe by the situation, when I feel very uncomfortable with hardships.
I did not set the best examples but I want to be honest with my imperfection, despite all the wrongs, this is still the best recovery year I ever had.
There was so much reward in doing. You can only get better with each try.

God-centeredness requires a daily death of self and submission to God (John12:23-25)

I have seen the promises I read in the Bible and the 12 steps recovery program come true in my life, sometime slowly, sometime quickly. Getting to know Christ was the best thing to happen to my recovery. For atheist , they can use the 12 steps recovery program.

I feel that the 12 steps recovery program was design and written by man who believe in God for people who don’t believe in God helping them to find God.

I was not perfect but life is improving by God’s grace. Thank you God for keeping me safe today.

Just reached home from a trip to the shopping mall. Saw a poster and receive this message…Why did it take so long? I was still holding on to the steering wheel and did not let go completely and let God take over.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I had a jog after not doing it for a long time and has been stress since suffering body aches for the last 2 days now. The pain was doing crazy things to my mind. I get triggered and it make me want to act out.
I have to tell myself not to do it. I have to practice what I learn and divert my attention to do something else, do anything harmless instead of acting out. Was invited but have not learn yoga and be still.

My choices are either pray, or sleep and do not nothing or I get out immediately and do something else safe before the triggering thought snowball into something I cannot manage.

I am ready to move up another level, otherwise it look like if I do not do anything, either way I am going down
If I don’t exercise, my lifestyle become physically very inactive and I will become very obese and unwell, I am turning 50 next year, if I continue living like this, I may fall sick one day ; become mentally weak and stress from the illness and be triggered, end of the day it can turn into a permanent problem, the long term stress and regular trigger from it will get me one day.
If I start to exercise now, I will suffer physical pains and stress as a result, I will be mentally weaken for a period, and suffer regular triggers too, if I am not careful, the trigger can get me too but it is a temporary problem, as I exercise more often and longer, it will make me stronger physically and mentally eventually, the physical pain and mental weakness will lessen over times and the stress and trigger will go away one day. There is hope here.

I plan to step up in my recovery, I plan to start exercise now but I must remind myself to be mindful and be aware of the situation, so that I will not panic and press the self-destruction button in the early days before I grow in strength.

Think I be ok. I am ready to do it.

I trust my Higher Power, I can pray.

[kin]

Dated 27th Oct 2015
Dear diary
For the first time, I feel excited about this year coming to an end. I only need to continue what I have been doing for another 2 more months and this will be the best year I had in recovery, had one too many broke endings in the past.
In the past, all my money was lost in irresponsible ways in living and gambling. All my earning are accountable now. This has never happen to me before.
I don’t have to doubt my spending since 5th Feb 2015 and myself anymore now. God has help me to do what I cannot do for myself with my earning now. It was a dream come true for me.
Deep down for close to 38 years, I would like to love, care and provide for my love ones but I was deeply bonded by the devil of addiction and it is running and controlling my life. It was a very sad and depressing past that I do not wish upon anyone.
I have realized after many trials and errors after errors that I cannot be the Higher Power in my recovery program. If I am still controlling the steering wheel, nothing has changed, I am still the same.
Praise the Lord, I have a Higher Power in my 12 step recovery program now. My Higher Power has a name, He is the almighty Jesus Christ.

Thank you God

[kin]

Dear diary,
Tonight I was thinking of The Promises again.

“We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that GOD is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.
Economic insecurity will leave us.
That feeling of Uselessness and Self-Pity will disappear.
We will know Peace.
We will not regret the Past, nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will know a new Freedom & Happiness.”

“I will lose interest in Selfish things. Self Seeking will slip away. ”

Self-centered ways such as interest in selfish things and self seeking have a tendency to sneak into our life if we do not check ourselves everyday.

[kin]

Dopamine is a chemical messenger in the brain that is responsible for: mood, movement, higher thought processes and the sense of well being.

A lot of the side effects with gambling addiction withdrawal are due to these low levels of dopamine and other neurotransmitters that are released when the addiction stops.

The worse the addiction, the more intense the withdrawal symptoms. Gambling addiction withdrawal is also due to membranes in the brain being destabilized.

This means that the ongoing addiction has altered the electrical and chemical balance of the brain and that it does not function normally. This brain destabilization may take months to year to correct.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I feel that everything is not ok but I am ok
Life is not perfect but I am ok
Health is not perfect but I am ok
Not all people I met is helpful but I am ok
Working conditions is not perfect but I am ok

Going total abstinence at the beginning of this year was a wonderful and rewarding experience.
My recovery is not perfect now, my standard of abstinence has since drop and I am less committed.
But using slot machine and alcohol was not an option.

I am thankful, and feel grateful and contented.

Thank you Higher Power!
Thank you God for everything you had given me.

[kin]

Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[kin]

Dopamine is a chemical messenger in the brain that is responsible for: mood, movement, higher thought processes and the sense of well being.

A lot of the side effects with gambling addiction withdrawal are due to these low levels of dopamine and other neurotransmitters that are released when the addiction stops.
The worse the addiction, the more intense the withdrawal symptoms. Gambling addiction withdrawal is also due to membranes in the brain being destabilized.

This means that the ongoing addiction has altered the electrical and chemical balance of the brain and that it does not function normally. This brain destabilization may take months to year to correct.

[Author]

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