[kin]

GRACE can be defined as unearned favor. God’s grace is something God does for the benefit of His people just because He loves them, not because of something they have done to earn it. Grace is a gift and can never be earned.
Grace giving by believers expresses God’s grace to believers (2 Corinthians 8:1).

Dear diary,
Finally, 2 years later, I have the financially means to share the love and grace I receive from God with someone out there who need it more than me.
My sponsor was concern I cannot afford this and reminded me that I needed the money myself but deep down, I knew I can afford to part with this money, keeping it for myself will be a very selfish, self-seeking and self-centered act. I just had to do it.
God says HE will provide abundant and sufficient, I have experience it, my sponsor has shown me our God ‘s great Love and Grace 2 years back, it open up my eyes, and now it was time and an opportunity for me to show someone who need it very badly this Christmas. Thank you God.

Showing Gratitude to God
Where was I more than two years ago. I can remember very clearly.
Mum was very sick and recovering from cancer, I was jobless and broke, instead of doing nothing, I had to work as a cleaner for 2 hours everyday between 12 midnite to 2 am to earn 20 SGD to cover my daily food and transport expenses. It was not enough and I have no money left.
I cannot take bus, taxi or train to work, otherwise I will be working for nothing, situation was so bad, I had to walk to work.
It was not the safest job, I had to drain very hot oil into a oil drum beside scrubbing and washing the kitchen.
Life has improve a lot for me now, I am back working in the comfort of a office again. It was so easy to forget my rock bottom days and take thing for granted, worst still making the same mistake and falling back into the same hole.

[kin]

Hi Berto,

What are your thoughts today ? ( etc. on your recovery, family, children, health, work, money, gambling, or any subject)

What did you feel ?

What do you plan to do about it ?

It is important to check your thoughts and feelings everyday.

[kin]

Dear Berto

how are you doing ? imagine, if you are not here, where can you be?

just a gentle reminder, are you feeding your gambling mind or are you feeding your recovery?

blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,

Am very thankful, really appreciate the increase awareness I had now.

It made me watch my mum’s word very closely and check myself. Mum will continue to trigger me but I don’t have to allow it to eat into me and act it out, I can let her triggering word pass.

I have a choice, I can love her

She definitely enjoy the outing and the food today. It was important to let her feel love and important for me to do something for her when I still have the chance.

Thank you God

[kin]

Dear diary
In the past, I was quick to attack someone with harsh and unkind words before they question my gambling.
Now I notice something else that was similar in nature and I was concern.
Before my 85 years old recovering cancer patient elderly mum stress me out when her mind is not clear, I actually say unkind and harsh things to her when my mind was not clear, I lose total control of myself and was guilty of one of the worst sin, I was not kind to my mum with my harsh words and tone, if someone say the same thing to me, I would be hurt and depress.
When I do not rest properly and not getting enough sleep, I get physically and mentally exhausted and tired, it make me weak, and prone to losing control of myself and acting out. I become very self-centered, selfish and self-seeking, I put my feeling and self-interest first.
I am a recovering addict. I have a program, the realization and the reality made me very bad and I feel so ashame.
The whole incident reveal something about me that was cover up and not so revealing by my addiction problems in the past, one I didn’t know or I don’t want to admit.
Now the biggest problem you see on the surface is not due to gambling, alcohol use, money or work related, but a living one.
Something that I realize now and need to change immediately when I still have the chance.
Mum just woke up and having her coffee now, just have a small chat with her, she agrees to go out with me later. Time to made amend to her, she didn’t seem to remember what I did.

I am 4 months into working the graveyard shift, I should be sleeping after work and not do other things, I have lost my discipline when I should be sleeping.

[kin]

Dear Berto

Enjoy this two mins clip

brother, you are going to find that strength to get back up

[kin]

Dear Berto
Hope you enjoy watching this

keep trying
after a while, what was dark before will not be dark anymore

[kin]

Addiction is like a tiger lying in wait for its prey.
Unfortunately, we are the prey !
The tiger is extremely patient
as it wait for the optimal moment to pounce on its unsuspecting victim.
It is well camouflaged with denial, minimization,
rationalization, and other psychological defences,
so it is hard to distinguish the menace from its surroundings.
Its stealth make it hard to identify
as it is sneaking up and preparing to attack.
Addiction is cunning and baffling.
Many times its victims do not know they are being stalked until it is too late.
80% percent of newcomers relapse in their first year.
We cannot defeat addiction in the traditional sense.
The solution begins with a paradox:
Victory is achieved through surrender, not in battle.
If we surrender, our disease loses its control over our life.
It doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t go away. It never go away!
It merely recedes into the background.
Yet it is always there,
Waiting for a lapse in our spiritual program,
Example :
When we are feeling down and out
because we have gotten into a bitter argument with our spouse, or
When we have received a special recognition at work
and feel that we deserve to celebrate.
It will act on any opportunity to regain control of our life.
The first thing to consider is whether our disease is once again trying
to establish a foothold in our life.
It may be setting us up in order to take charge
and again run the show.
Remember, it is always looking for that opportunity
to convince us to return to gambling.
A person in early recovery looks for all the ways that
his gambling isn’t as bad as those around him / her.
I wasn’t that out of control,
my spouse haven’t left me,
my debt is manageable,
I do not have huge credit cards debt,
I did not borrow from illegal money lender,
I didn’t lose my job ,
I m not a bankrupt,
I do not have to steal or borrow to gamble…etc….
the list go on and on and on.
Before long, he convinced himself that he / she can return to gambling,
he just need to control it better this time around.
This is a person who has not truly surrendered.
This disease is capable of convincing us to go ahead and gamble again
because this time it will be different , I am not a gambling addict.
The addicted part of us will insist on this position,
despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Do you know why ?
Because this disease will selectively ignore information
that validates our powerlessness.
This filtering is called the Selective Inattention.
The information that indicate we are an addict
and unable to control our gambling is ignored.
Watching out for how the beast may be sabotaging our recovery is crucial.
So watch and listen.
It will be our own life that we save if we keep our vigil.

[kin]

Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[kin]

Hi Berto,
Welcome to Gambling Therapy.
Hope you wouldn’t mind me sharing a few recovery stories in here.
Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[kin]

Dear diary,
A thought cross my mind today, I look back at all the wrong I have done in my life, and suddenly realized that I am a free man not by my own account but by the grace of God.
I was spared punishment that I deserve, it is a gift from God because I have not done anything to deserve this. It is kindness from God.
Examples of Grace in the Bible
John 1:16-17
For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.
For the law was given through Moses;
grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. (ESV)
Romans 6:14
For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. (ESV)
Romans 3:23-24
… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus …
(ESV)
Ephesians 2:8
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing;
it is the gift of God … (ESV)
Titus 2:11
For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people … (ESV)

Thank you God.

[kin]

1st December 2015

Dear diary,

After staying total abstinence from acting out in all form of addiction for 6 months, I started to experience the freedom from the bondage of addiction and slavery to money.
In the beginning, I experiences freedom from the bondage of addiction, debts, mental anguish. Later, I felt the freedom from the imprisonment of poverty and freedom to go anywhere I want and buy anything I need.
But if I return to compulsive gambling and lose all my money
I will first lose my freedom to go anywhere and buy anything I want, I will be imprison by poverty again, there will be many many things I cannot do because I am broke, this feeling was not good.

Had I lost my future pay to gambling every time it is due, I will definitely regret my selfish actions and beat myself up.
If I continue to have recurrent thoughts to gambles and loses all control to stop and become compulsive, I am in trouble. I would have lost all my freedom and come under the control of gambling.

I will need to continue gambling even if it is doing me harm. I would continue until I lost all my pay. When that happens, I will need to borrow to feed my addiction. I need to borrow to gamble and I start to go into debt – the debts will grow and can only become bigger until it become unmanageable unless I stop.
The huge stress, feeling of depression, anger, mental pain and suffering replaces all my freedom.

I need to be very vigilant and protect this freedom. It is too risky to be complacent, the price one pay is too heavy.

I realized many times in the past when I sober up and see the destruction & damage done, it was too late. I am capable of gambling and losing everything away and throwing everything important to me away. I can lose my freedom if I don’t treasure them.

The truth – it was self-inflicted
I was too complacent, I belittled the value and important of freedom
The value of freedom is priceless !!!

it was better to do a reality check now before it is too late!

[kin]

An adrenaline rush is when your adrenal glands pump an excess amount of adrenaline into your body in response to high amounts of stress or anxiety.

You may experience a wide range of symptoms that are similar to panic attacks including racing pulse or pounding heart

[kin]

excess adrenaline can create multiple health problems, for example, people who have trouble falling asleep – are problems most likely attributable to adrenaline.

[kin]

The Health Consequences of Too Much Adrenaline

Internalization of anger from excess adrenaline is probably the most common cause of depression. It can also be a cause for inability to lose weight and for elevated blood pressure.

[Author]

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