[kin]

Dear diary,

I have never talk about my sleep much in my journal,it has always been a problem for me for many years since young. I either suffer from insomnia or I struggle to fall asleep.

I remember when I push myself doing exercise in the past, the pain I felt in the back and leg when I lie down actually made me struggle to fall asleep.

I am experiencing something different now, I didn’t push myself as hard but I try, I do floor exercises on my working days and jog on my off days, I do it around 3 minutes each time for the floor exercise at an hour interval for a few cycles. When I reach home after work, I find myself so sleepy I can doze off to sleep very easily. This was an unexpected benefit. On my off day, I slow jog for more than 15 minutes.

10 days has pass doing this routine, the quality of sleep has improved. I am challenging myself to do this for 100 days, one day at a time. When I started, I don’t have the confident and don’t know whether I can last my first 10 days but it did, now the journey continues.

[kin]

Thank you God for helping me to do what I cannot in 2015.
Thank you for everything.
Father I pray to you that 2016 will be a better year in Jesus name. Amen.

[kin]

Dear diary,

Today I learn something new from men over 50s who have successfully transform their body.

If I want to grow, I would need to step out of my comfort zone. I have to learn to accept this healthy stress, discomfort and pain.

To induce the testosterones and growth hormones, I need to increase the intensity of my exercise.

I notice I am getting moody and stress from a new exercise routine doing the M100 but when I return to my more familiar routine of jogging on my other day, I actually feel good.

One day at a time, it all adds up

[kin]

What is Gambling Addiction?
In 2013, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) classified compulsive gambling as an addictive disorder similar to substance (drug and alcohol) addiction.
Gambling addiction is considered a type of process addiction in which an activity stimulates the brain in a similar way that drugs and alcohol do – to the point that an addicted gambler will pursue the activity at all costs.
Signs and Symptoms of Gambling Addiction
Problem gambling, or gambling addiction can be seen in a variety of ways, but the most obvious symptoms are as follows:
1. Gambling when you do not have money.
Gambling can be fun when you have money to spare. But when funds are low and gambling still takes priority, this is definitely a sign of addiction.
2. Borrowing or stealing money in order to gamble.
When funds have fun out, addicts will do anything to get more money in order to place more bets. In these cases, problem gamblers will often take out loans, or turn to family and friends to borrow money. When nobody is willing to lend any more money, the only option left is to steal cash or items that they can sell.
3. Gambling to change or enhance your mood.
Did you have a great day at work and want to go out gambling to celebrate? Did you get in a fight with a spouse and want to gamble to make yourself feel better? When gambling becomes a way to alter your mood, it is a sign of a developing (or developed) addiction.
4. Gambling for longer than intended.
This is something that happens frequently with problem gamblers. They will intend to play a couple rounds of cards, or place just a few bets in the casino – but those couple rounds can turn into many rounds, and money will start to disappear quickly.
5. Lying about how much you gamble.
Denial is a big part of any addiction. It is hard to admit to that an activity has so much control over one’s life, and thus a problem gambler will begin to lie about their gambling habits. They will lie to loved ones about where they were and where their money has gone. And they will lie to themselves as well – most frequently they believe they can stop when they want to, but that is not the case. Especially if they have depleted their funds and still continue to gamble.
6. Feelings of remorse after gambling.
When the adrenaline of placing bets is over, and the reality of their monetary losses sets in, remorse takes over. Remorse is a clear sign that gambling has stopped being fun and has begun to be a serious problem.
Effects of Gambling Addiction
The most obvious effect of this addiction is loss of money which leads to unpaid bills, credit collectors and even the loss of their home and car. A gambling addict will also often get so wrapped up in gambling that they miss work and social events which could result in job loss and problems in their close relationships.
Gambling Addiction Treatment
Gambling addiction treatment can be administered in both outpatient or inpatient treatment centres which will depend on several factors including the severity of the addiction and the lifestyle and responsibilities of the addict, among others.
It is important to find an addiction rehabilitation centre that has experience dealing with process addictions, as some addiction treatment centres focus on drugs and alcohol only. It is also important to seek help as soon as you are aware of the problem, as the sooner an addiction is treated, the higher the chances are of a successful recovery.

Hi Berto,

How are you? Hope all is well.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I fall in.
I am lost, I am hopeless. It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I see it is there, I still fall in
It‘s a habit. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street

[kin]

What is Gambling Addiction?
In 2013, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) classified compulsive gambling as an addictive disorder similar to substance (drug and alcohol) addiction.
Gambling addiction is considered a type of process addiction in which an activity stimulates the brain in a similar way that drugs and alcohol do – to the point that an addicted gambler will pursue the activity at all costs.
Signs and Symptoms of Gambling Addiction
Problem gambling, or gambling addiction can be seen in a variety of ways, but the most obvious symptoms are as follows:
1. Gambling when you do not have money.
Gambling can be fun when you have money to spare. But when funds are low and gambling still takes priority, this is definitely a sign of addiction.
2. Borrowing or stealing money in order to gamble.
When funds have fun out, addicts will do anything to get more money in order to place more bets. In these cases, problem gamblers will often take out loans, or turn to family and friends to borrow money. When nobody is willing to lend any more money, the only option left is to steal cash or items that they can sell.
3. Gambling to change or enhance your mood.
Did you have a great day at work and want to go out gambling to celebrate? Did you get in a fight with a spouse and want to gamble to make yourself feel better? When gambling becomes a way to alter your mood, it is a sign of a developing (or developed) addiction.
4. Gambling for longer than intended.
This is something that happens frequently with problem gamblers. They will intend to play a couple rounds of cards, or place just a few bets in the casino – but those couple rounds can turn into many rounds, and money will start to disappear quickly.
5. Lying about how much you gamble.
Denial is a big part of any addiction. It is hard to admit to that an activity has so much control over one’s life, and thus a problem gambler will begin to lie about their gambling habits. They will lie to loved ones about where they were and where their money has gone. And they will lie to themselves as well – most frequently they believe they can stop when they want to, but that is not the case. Especially if they have depleted their funds and still continue to gamble.
6. Feelings of remorse after gambling.
When the adrenaline of placing bets is over, and the reality of their monetary losses sets in, remorse takes over. Remorse is a clear sign that gambling has stopped being fun and has begun to be a serious problem.
Effects of Gambling Addiction
The most obvious effect of this addiction is loss of money which leads to unpaid bills, credit collectors and even the loss of their home and car. A gambling addict will also often get so wrapped up in gambling that they miss work and social events which could result in job loss and problems in their close relationships.
Gambling Addiction Treatment
Gambling addiction treatment can be administered in both outpatient or inpatient treatment centres which will depend on several factors including the severity of the addiction and the lifestyle and responsibilities of the addict, among others.
It is important to find an addiction rehabilitation centre that has experience dealing with process addictions, as some addiction treatment centres focus on drugs and alcohol only. It is also important to seek help as soon as you are aware of the problem, as the sooner an addiction is treated, the higher the chances are of a successful recovery.

[kin]

What is Gambling Addiction?
In 2013, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) classified compulsive gambling as an addictive disorder similar to substance (drug and alcohol) addiction.
Gambling addiction is considered a type of process addiction in which an activity stimulates the brain in a similar way that drugs and alcohol do – to the point that an addicted gambler will pursue the activity at all costs.
Signs and Symptoms of Gambling Addiction
Problem gambling, or gambling addiction can be seen in a variety of ways, but the most obvious symptoms are as follows:
1. Gambling when you do not have money.
Gambling can be fun when you have money to spare. But when funds are low and gambling still takes priority, this is definitely a sign of addiction.
2. Borrowing or stealing money in order to gamble.
When funds have fun out, addicts will do anything to get more money in order to place more bets. In these cases, problem gamblers will often take out loans, or turn to family and friends to borrow money. When nobody is willing to lend any more money, the only option left is to steal cash or items that they can sell.
3. Gambling to change or enhance your mood.
Did you have a great day at work and want to go out gambling to celebrate? Did you get in a fight with a spouse and want to gamble to make yourself feel better? When gambling becomes a way to alter your mood, it is a sign of a developing (or developed) addiction.
4. Gambling for longer than intended.
This is something that happens frequently with problem gamblers. They will intend to play a couple rounds of cards, or place just a few bets in the casino – but those couple rounds can turn into many rounds, and money will start to disappear quickly.
5. Lying about how much you gamble.
Denial is a big part of any addiction. It is hard to admit to that an activity has so much control over one’s life, and thus a problem gambler will begin to lie about their gambling habits. They will lie to loved ones about where they were and where their money has gone. And they will lie to themselves as well – most frequently they believe they can stop when they want to, but that is not the case. Especially if they have depleted their funds and still continue to gamble.
6. Feelings of remorse after gambling.
When the adrenaline of placing bets is over, and the reality of their monetary losses sets in, remorse takes over. Remorse is a clear sign that gambling has stopped being fun and has begun to be a serious problem.
Effects of Gambling Addiction
The most obvious effect of this addiction is loss of money which leads to unpaid bills, credit collectors and even the loss of their home and car. A gambling addict will also often get so wrapped up in gambling that they miss work and social events which could result in job loss and problems in their close relationships.
Gambling Addiction Treatment
Gambling addiction treatment can be administered in both outpatient or inpatient treatment centres which will depend on several factors including the severity of the addiction and the lifestyle and responsibilities of the addict, among others.
It is important to find an addiction rehabilitation centre that has experience dealing with process addictions, as some addiction treatment centres focus on drugs and alcohol only. It is also important to seek help as soon as you are aware of the problem, as the sooner an addiction is treated, the higher the chances are of a successful recovery.

[kin]

Dear diary,
nothing traumatic happen today but notice this exercise is making me moody.
the beginning is always the most difficult.

the thought was there but not wasting my money on body massage and gambling, I cannot afford them, I still want to but I don’t need to, they are not important.

[kin]

Dear diary,
When I look at year 2015 in year 2014
I was thinking, this is what I am going to do.
The goal looks big and has many ways for a gambler like myself to fail along the way.
Frankly I was not very confident, it look achievable on paper but has never work.

I have a habit of sabotaging myself, the problem was me.
When the going gets tough and I look to myself, I just cannot find the strength and endurance to carry on but when the going gets tough and I look to God, things change, my life change
When things are doing well and I look to myself, I can grow arrogant, proud and careless but when things are doing well and I look to God, I can remain humble and mindful.

One day at a time, stay focus, check myself regularly
make sure I am still moving in the right direction and not drifted

One month at a time
Complete one thing at a time

The first few months was always the toughest
Many times I have to dig the deepest to persist and carry on.
In the last few months, the results are already showing
The results will be very encouraging and become the driving force as the finishing line gets closer.

[kin]

Dear diary,
Feeling stress today! It was not from gambling, debt, work or people but the feeling felt the same. I was moody today and thought of acting out / fix this feeling.

I have been making full use of my idle time in the office to do floor mat exercise. These high intensity interval exercises was tough for a beginner like me.
On my off day like today, I jog and had a good workout in the early morning.
I can feel the effect after the exercise, been getting the painful and stressful body ache.
Mentally I need to be stronger to deal with these physical pain and mental stress.
it has backfire on me in the past when I got confuse by this feeling; thinking it was from something else and I had to fix it

Let’s see how it goes, how long can I carry on
I hope I can do this regularly for a year.

One unexpected bonus was the better quality of sleep.
Think this exercise regime is going to be a blessing in disguise in the long run. I am thankful that I can tell where the stressful feeling come from and still remain calm, so I didn’t have to panic and do anything impulsive to correct the feeling. Now I don’t get confuse, and lost due to this stress, I can tell that they are not from the debt, gambling, work or people.
There was a time I had problem with gambling and debt, work and people, my recovery program, and health all at the same time. When I felt stress, I can only guess where the stress is coming from but never sure which one but always blame it on my gambling and debts.
Like the autobiographic of an addict, I may feel the same stress now, but I don’t get trap by it anymore and do the same thing in the past now, in fact I don’t have to do anything.
I am not fit now. If I can continue doing this regularly for a period, it will go away.
It is ok, don’t panic!

[kin]

Luke 22:34
Jesus said to Peter, “Before dawn, you will deny me three times.”
Matthew 26:40-43
40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping.
41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Genesis 15:1
“ Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great.”
Luke 8:50
“Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.”

[kin]

Dear diary,

Today this message cross my mind that I am going to be walking down the same street in year 2016.

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I fall in.
I am lost, I am hopeless. It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I see it is there, I still fall in
It‘s a habit. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

[kin]

Dear dairy,
I am preparing for year 2016 now.
I will still have financial responsibilities and obligations next year.
I check myself and notice there is something awfully wrong with my thought
I want year 2016 to be like year 2015 and receive all the goodness in recovery “but” I don’t wish to put in the same hard work I did in year 2015. No one likes to feel stress, uncomfortable, struggles and hardship by working hard. Guess it is not going to work this way.

[kin]

Dear diary,
My head tell me I need to go total abstinence from all form of acting out come 2016.
I have learned from the experience in 2015 many benefits, I have so many weakness and desires inside, and there are so many temptations outside.
Each time I deny my urge and the craving feeling, each time I resist and walk away from the temptation; it gives me the practice I need and training in real life to help me grow in strength in recovery.
At some point of time, it will no longer be about struggles and fighting the thought, resisting or white knuckle recovery, I will start to develop gratitude contentment that help me to let go with joy.
I am human, I love to indulge in selfish and self-seeking ways, it comes natural to me. From time to time, I may either drift or I may lost myself completely in the moment. I need to constantly check myself before I spiral down into another rock bottom and I need a clear mind to be able to do that..
I was selfish and irresponsible for a long time, that explain why I felt it was ok for me to be involved in gambling, I am willing to accept the risk as long as it can give me a chance to win more money even if there was risk, I knew the consequences if I lost but I just do not care.
Many times I felt that I was not stupid, I thought I was good at what I was doing, that was one of my biggest problem, I don’t think it can happen to me if I am more careful. Sometimes I had the awareness but was just very self-centered and selfish, I don’t care anymore about the consequences, I just want to act out what my mind tell me to do.
Most people would not want to be involved in any activity that has risk or bring them harm but not a gambler or addict. I only do things that give me fun, I will not do things that made me feel any struggle or hardship, stress and discomfort, many times that means saying no and stopping myself. I did what I did because I thought I was right but I was blind and cannot see.
I could not do it for myself and my love ones in the past but I found that it was easier to do it for my Higher Power.
The longest I was able to remain total abstinence from all form of acting out in 2015 was a little more than 6 months, there are tough days but It help give me a clearer mind and strength to be safe for the other 6 months in 2015.
There is a price for me to pay for a satisfying and safe 2016
it means going total abstinence or fast when the year start for me
Am I willing to do that?
I was a selfish person, I don’t sacrifice myself.
I need God to help me.
The reward is big, it help me become responsible and fulfil my obligations for rest of the year.

[kin]

Dear diary
Checking my unrealistic expectations regularly has done wonder to my life and improves the quality of my recovery.
Any unexpected changes in life in the past can really upset me, any shortfall can lead me to be very disturbed, discontented, and frustrated, it can throw my recovery off balance. It has triggered me many times.
Ever since I learn about myself having unrealistic high expectations and making adjustment in that areas, I am a more balance and happy person now. I am not perfect, life is not perfect, It is ok for things to turn out not according to my plans and expectations, it is really ok, this is life.
There are so many unexpectated events and things beyond our control that can happen in life.
In my worst case in the past, they are usually finance, and work related, next are people related, health related, the list can go on and on.
Most importantly, many things is not ok in life but I feel ok , grateful and contented. I don’t have to force a change, I don’t have to do anything, just trust God and hand it over.
Thank you God.

[Author]

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