[kin]

Dear diary,

I attended a 12 steps recovery support group meeting and workshop today. Met a few new recovering person, right from the beginning, my mind is set on carrying the message of hope to them, that the program works.

The anonymous group normally will not encourage me helping someone financially, they will call me an enabler.

But I believe my Higher Power is merciful and will offer grace and hope to the new recovering person. If my sponsor was around, he would have done the same. if I am a new recovering person and in need, I will appreciate the assistance.

God ‘s blessing is abundant. I felt that what I have is enough for me, there is nothing to fear. I have peace today, if I lose my job, I will find another one, there is nothing to fear. I trust God.

There was purpose in my life today. I was a messenger and I delivered, love, knowledge and money.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I just read this article on control, I have never taken such a close look at this before. I have never been able to find the right words to describe what I am feeling and going through properly in the past until now.

Sometime things go much more smoothly when I give up control
—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen.

There are three things I know for sure about trying to control things:
1. We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t.
In other words, control is rooted in fear.

2. Control is also a result of being attached to a specific outcome
—an outcome we’re sure is best for us, as if we always know what’s best.
When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micro-manage the universe. We let go.
And we open ourselves to all sorts of wonderful possibilities that aren’t there when we’re attached to one “right” path.

3. The energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control.

When there is thought to take over control, my vision gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and my heart rate increases.
My mind shifts from topic to topic and from past to future very quickly, and I have little concentration, poor memory, and almost no present-moment awareness.

In surrender mode,
I’m calm, peaceful. Breathing deeply, present in the moment. I see clearly and my vision extends out around me, allowing me to (literally) see the bigger picture.

So the great irony is that attempting to control things actually feels less in control.

When I notice that I am in the control mode and want to let go but how? How do I let go ?

Consciously and deliberately shifting into surrender energy.
For example, when I become aware that I’m in control mode and want to gamble again, I imagine that I’m in a small canoe planning to paddle upstream, against the current. It’s a fight. That’s what control mode feels like to me.
When I choose to let go of gambling and surrender, I visualize me dropping the oars, and floating downstream.
I’m being gently pulled, no effort necessary on my part. Simply breathing and saying, “Let go of the oars” is usually enough to get me there.

[kin]

Please share this video with someone who is on the verge of giving up or feeling hopeless- Now is not the time to give up…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpDkon5oZLc

[kin]

Dear ladies
Please share this video with someone who is on the verge of giving up or feeling hopeless- Now is not the time to give up…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpDkon5oZLc

blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,
Day one has passed, what were my thought, feeling and action yesterday.
What do I have to be total abstinence from?
What did I learn?

Thoughts
It is one of the easier day one I will ever have. I am trying to break free from the old ways and starting a new one this year. Like all day one, there are thoughts to act out but they are not unmanageable.
The thought crossed my mind to visit a casino, sports betting outlet and massage parlor, it is natural , these are things I allow myself to do in the past.
Don’t tell me I am going to fail on my first day.
I have so many desires, practicing total abstinence from all these desires, urges and temptations will help me develop the strength and self-control I need to stay stop for the rest of the year.
Feelings
I felt some fear and anxiety yesterday. The fear comes from paying my bills, after doing that, my saving will become smaller. I am afraid I will not have enough money end of the year to carry out my plan.
When I focus on myself, I also have fear that I may lose my job and everything will fall apart
I have the money; I wanted to use the money I had to change my situation, using it to win some money to cover the bills. Not carrying out my thoughts , not taking control and feeling uncertain about things made me anxious. I experience some struggle to stay still and not do anything.
I do not have a genuine need for an expensive massage, it was just another form of acting out to fix the lousy feeling I had just like using food and alcohol.
Action
I just have to listen and trust God more and myself less. I don’t have to change anything.
I am going to give up earning easy money that I do not have to work hard for. Yes, they are a very big temptation, but I have discover that the good time from gamble is normally short. I am not gambling.
I am handing over my control to God, HE has always deliver. When I am in the driving seat, I always get into trouble, I am letting go of the steering wheel.
Look at last year, same time this year I can only wish that I could finish some repayment plans I had by end of the year, it is a dream, they normally never come true for me in the end. Ever since I start to listen and follow His words, my wish came true for the first time without the gambling and other short cuts. I will continue to have faith and trust God. I will continue to learn to let go of my self-will and seek God’s will.

Thank you God. You are the one and only almighty God who can help me to break my chain of slavery to addiction and love for money.

[kin]

Dear diary,
Today I must remember that my recovery will fail if I only attend church, read the Bible and listen to God‘s word but do not follow them.
We are liars if we claim to be Christians but don’t obey. It’s in the Bible, I John 2:4, TLB.
“Someone may say, ‘I am a Christian; I am on my way to heaven; I belong to Christ.’ But if he doesn’t do what Christ tells him to, he is a liar.”

Today I must remind myself that I have tumble and fall many times in the past because I only read about the 12 steps program and share, I was not willing to follow the steps and do the hardwork.
Today I must remember that my unrealistic expectation on myself and others is not going to help my recovery. Life is not perfect, people are not perfect.
There are going to be good days in recovery but be prepared and get ready, there will be some hard or suffering days in recovery.
It doesn’t matter if anyone feel that I am lowering the standard, I don’t wish to set myself up for failure by having unrealistic expectations. I am a recovering person, I seek progress in my recovery, not perfection.
Recently, my frequent impatience with God, people, my finance and recovery have caught my attention, it highlight and shows that I actually love myself more than anyone, I love money and the material comfort, enjoyment it can bring me more than anything else. I am not willing to tolerate and endure shame, humiliation, hardship, pain, stress and suffering. I need to seek and get closer to God, I need to know God better.

I have belittled waiting too, I never thought that waiting was something hard.
After the experience last year, I do feel excited about year 2016. The reward is great.
In 2015, I have experience and realized the truth mentioned in the promises of God and the 12 steps recovery program.
It really works!

[kin]

Hi P,

Glad to see you back, it is becoming a ritual for me to look for a few names in the forum when I log in before I start reading, it was just not the same when one or two go missing. So happy to see everyone here.

There will be good days and bad days in recovery, posting on good and bad days contain a lot of invaluable lessons for everyone reading. Many are living in darkness, pain and suffering now, they would like to read up and learn how others manage to walk out of this situation.

Your presence have been a blessing to many in here. Your encouragement and comforting words has help many.

Cheers P, looking forward to your posting.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I am taking my own moral inventory.
Many times, I have shown weakness; I can be very impatience.
I have struggled to be still, waiting is hard.
I did not let go and let God.

Definition of patience:
able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious:

Romans 15:4
For whatever things were written before, were written for our learning, that we through the patient and comfort of the scripture might have hope.
Psalm 37:7
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices.

Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him

Just for today, I will remind myself : it will not go well with me if I am in the driving seat and have not trusted in Christ. Do not envy anyone who prosper in gambling. Have faith, and have no fear to let go of any potential winning through gambling. Do not be afraid and worry about the one who prosper in unjust and wicked ways.

In the last 30 years of my life, many times I have winning when I gamble but this is the TRUTH, my winning is always short, it has never last.

Waiting on God when Life is Hard

Five instructions for waiting on God in difficult situations
1. Take the long view of circumstances
2. Trust God and His Plan
3. Delight in God
4. Turn Your Life over to God
5. Wait. Silently and Patiently. On God.
Christian life is one of delayed gratification.

[kin]

Luke 15:11-24(NIV)
The Parable of the Lost Son
11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.
14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!
18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.
19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.
23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.
24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I am going to start going total abstinence tomorrow.
I am seeking progress in recovery, as there is much room for improvement in my recovery.

Going total abstinence last year help me achieve a safe and secure outcome, it was during this period that 100% of my income was accountable but it progressively goes down to 80% due to gambling losses end of the year. Last year was good, but it can be better.

I knew what I need to do.
I must be WILLING to do it.
There will be good days and bad days in this journey but the reward is worth it.

[kin]

How did I fail

I have allow my 5 senses; sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch to determine my decision.

I don’t want to work hard, be patient, and live life in poverty

So take away the monetary gain found in gambling, there are no more reason to do it anymore.
I will have to work hard, gambling does not need me to work harder.
I will have to be more patient and wait until the end of the month for my salary; gambling winning is quicker and faster.
I will have to live within my salary limit, gambling winnings has no limit.
Gambling was a long term lie I tell myself and it gave me false hope.

When something bad had happen or nothing bad had happen, it could just simply be some temporary body hormones or chemical change; it can make me feel lousy, moody, helpless and losing control. I have a habit to try to correct these feelings.

Gambling gave me some level of control. It is predictable, either I win or lose, I am in control, I control the bet, head or tail, favourites or outsider, the amount I bet, all or nothing. It gave me a false sense of in control feeling I cannot get from people at home and at work. It offers me an escape from real life problem when I am in the middle of it. Even when I lost all, it is predictable; gambling like alcohol, many times changes the state of my mind and numbs my feelings.

When I hear someone making unreasonable request, raising their voice and yelling at me, I will react instinctively because I cannot tolerate shame, humiliation, unfairness and unjustly treatment. When I feel physical and mental discomfort, suffering and pain, I get very stress, restless, anxious and panic. I want to correct this feeling. When I listen to me, I become very self-centred, selfish and self-seeking; I start to lose my focus and awareness of a power greater than me.

Many times, my problem was not the most important I had.

Apostle Peter told Christians they are to rejoice in suffering for Christ because, in so doing, He is being glorified.

Prayer
Heavenly Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, let your name be made holy throughout all eternity. You gave Your one and only Son, who willingly suffered, bled, and died and defeating death, rose on the third day so that we may have eternal life and a close relationship restored to You.

Until that day of eternal rest comes, please lead, guide, and direct us through life’s sufferings. help us to walk in the light of Your righteousness for Your namesake. Help us to rejoice in righteous suffering we pray in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour. Amen.

[kin]

Dear diary
I knew the only cure to my recovery was a spiritual one. I didn’t do well.
After reading Kathryn post, it got me thinking.
What has work for me last year and where have I failed terribly at it.
When I ask myself what is spirituality and what does it mean? I had a hard time trying to put it in words. I found this explanation online.
Spirituality is the concept of immaterial reality, an inner path enabling a person to discover the soul or essence of his/her being.
Generally, the term spirituality refers to an individual sense of inner well-being, meaning and purpose, eg. Why are we here? What is our purpose? What is the meaning of life?
Spirituality is about looking within and finding what I seek within myself, my body will die one day, for me maybe sooner or later.
Today I realized, am I being very self-centered, selfish and self-seeking if all I am concern about was whether God care about me, whether God is angry with me, whether God is please with me more than seeking and following God’s will and God’s way.
One of the first thing that I learn about spirituality was about this saying that a religious person may not be spiritual but a spiritual person may be religious.
Spiritual growth is master through practice, practice and more practice.

[kin]

Dear diary,
It is 6 am now, my favorite time of the year, coolest period in the year. I just came out of the toilet with deep thoughts and feeling about what has happen. I see fresh blood in my stool, and I have mixed feelings , there was joy and relief, a little helplessness but contentment in my feeling.
In the last week or two, I notice I was having difficulty passing out motion smoothly, nothing much seem to be coming out.
In the last week, I notice I was unable to do as many repetitions when doing burpees, mountain climbing and squat jump.
Yesterday I was puzzle why I felt tired after jogging for more than 2 km when I normally only felt this after completing close to 3 km.
In the past, life was a mess. Debts, gambling, alcohol and relationship problems was dominating my life, other problems such as health become secondary and when it happen, it just made me felt more helpless and hopeless, life is more diifficult and I struggle to put order and calm in my life.
Today, there was more peace and stability and joy in my life. I don’t have to beat and doubt myself anymore unlike in the past.
With more experience and higher awareness, I have suspected that it was my intestine giving me problem and affecting my strength, and energy but there was no evident until today when I see blood. I was actually relieved and happy that I don’t have to always doubt myself and my character anymore, the self-beating and punishment has stop. I have started to live life and I am healing and growing emotionally and spiritually now.
Life is not perfect, my health was not perfect after more than 20 years of substance abuse but I am honestly happy with the way things are now, finally I can see the light in my life now and there are so many reasons to be grateful and contented, there are less pain and suffering in my life now, by the Grace of God. I wouldn’t want to change it for anything else.
It is that time and beginning of a new year, I have been thinking and undecided of what to post here.
In recovery, people talk about giving up control and handing over control to a Higher Power but how? In the beginning, I just wanted to remind myself to give up my self-centeredness, selfish, and self-seeking ways now.
Handover to a Higher Power? How? It became easier for me now after I tried to get to know Jesus Christ and read HIS words.
I didn’t forget that I started writing my journal here in 2008, I used to love reading the journal belonging to this person called “rootless tree”.
Thank you GT, everyone in GT especially P, Vera, Ken, Harry, Bettie, Kathryn and rootless tree.

Thank you God for everything.

[kin]

This, then, is how you should pray
Our Father in Heaven, may your name be kept holy.
May your Kingdom come soon
May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven
Give us today the food we need, and forgive us our sins as we have forgiven those who sin against us.
And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one. In Jesus ‘s name I pray.
Amen

[kin]

Dear diary,
I was thinking about what will be my biggest challenge this year in 2016 now and It got to do with giving up my self-will and seeking God’s will. It will be about giving up my selfish, self seeking ways.

God’s love is great, God is awesome!

[Author]

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