[kin]

Dear diary
Please don’t let my pride destroy me
Don’t let my pride tell me I am experience, that I have the knowledge to know what to do, the confident in handling my own money and I don’t need help.
It is possible for me to gamble again. All men are selfish at heart and have their price. Some may hold out longer than others, I have a breaking point too, and can compromise.

Help me to behave like it was my first day in recovery
Please do not allow me to feel embarrassed, ashamed, inferior, and afraid that everyone will look down at me, help me be brave, and have no fear because it takes deep strength to be honest and humble
Am I selfish and self-centered, and only love myself, love myself more than anyone else because it need love for my family to want to do it.

If I am really sincere and honest about wanting to change
Don’t lie, don’t deceive myself, don’t made any excuse, don’t delay. Do not hesitate to do this;
Go build and put up barriers to protect my recovery and myself.

So that when I want to gamble, I cannot go because I am banned from these places.
If I want to gamble, and cannot stop myself from going to one, I could not gamble because I do not have access to any extra money to gamble.

I must work hard,
I must practice and walk the talk to stand any chance to get well,
otherwise If I do nothing and talk the walk only, my chance is slim.
So help me God!

It works if you work it. It is worth it! we are worth it!

[kin]

Hi Jrb,

for your pleasure viewing.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3410538/So-s-s-hard-break-habit-Scans-reveal-repetitive-behaviours-rewire-brain-cause-lasting-damage.html

God bless!

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,
I was never good with words, I always need to read up to find the right word to describe my feeling.

Was googling just now and found this article in the link below.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3410538/So-s-s-hard-break-habit-Scans-reveal-repetitive-behaviours-rewire-brain-cause-lasting-damage.html

It describe what I am doing.
Repetitive behaviors rewire our brains
I have been trying to strengthen my “stop” cells and weakening my “go“ cells at the start of every year since last year. It works.

[kin]

Hi Libertas, my name is Kin, I was an addict.

I was addicted to gambling, alcohol, doctor prescribe drugs, sex, surfing internet, over eating, work, borrowing and money.

In 2005, I attended AA, NA, GA, SLA, there was no debtor anonymous in my area. I came across this site online in 2008
and has been keeping a journal in here since, it has been a very therapeutic experience and journey for me here.

I was not so fortunate compare to many, they are only addicted to one thing, I struggle to stay sober and clean because I was addicted to most things, when I stop one, I could have cross over to another one to act out to find a relief and form of escape, I will lose all my accumulated clean days and start from zero again!

I am so grateful and fortunate to realized my problem and not live in denial for the rest of my life, I was an addict in the past, I am now a recovering addict for life.

When I practice total abstinence, I am saying no to gambling, alcohol, drugs, sex, binge eating, workaholic living, borrowing all at the same time.

There was nothing wrong with money, it was my love for money that was wrong.

I am on the road of recovery now. If it didn’t work, I wouldnt be here for so long.

Hope you can find and see that light at the end of the tunnel.

God bless you!

more blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary
A stone cutter may strike the rock 99 times with no apparent effect,
not even a crack on the surface.
Yet with the hundredth blow, the rock splits in two.

It was not the final blow that did the trick,
but all that had gone before.

We may pursue a goal for months without obvious results
we become convinced that we are wasting our time.

But if we continue going to meeting, share about our struggles and perservere,
taking it one day at a time, and be patient with ourselves,
We may awaken one day, to find that we have changed , seemingly overnight.

Faith and hard work has made the changes possible one day.
The result has revealed all the promises and the truth in recovery one day.
It took me more than 10 years to finally see the promises materialise in my eyes. It would have taken me longer if I had not found the true Higher Power to help me do what I cannot do in the last 2 years.

I was very happy, excited and convinced by the truth I experienced. I am more motivated, have more faith and trust, confident in practicing what I learn in my personal experience and work for myself.
I am not going to be discourage, it was mentioned in the promises it will take some people sooner some people later.
I had a choice to be lenient in my practice but it was not a choice for me in the beginning if I want my year to end safe and good. I need to repair and strengthen my brakes and go total abstinence at the beginning of the year.
For how long? As long as I can as I do not have the facts and figures to answer this question now but it has proven that after 6 months of perseverance, I would have repair and strengthen my brakes enough to protect me until the end of the year. I strongly emphasise for myself, this will only last me until the end of the year and no more.
I can felt my strength weaken when I was lenient and stop practicing total abstinence after August last year. I actually become weaker and weaker in strength as time passes when I did nothing in recovery. If I did not go total abstinence at the beginning of this year, I am very very sure disaster is just waiting to happen to me down the road.
It is all about practice, practice and more practice.
Practice giving up self-will and seeking God’s will.
Mark 8:34-35 (NIV) Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.”

[kin]

Dear P
A stone cutter may strike the rock 99 times with no apparent effect,
not even a crack on the surface.
Yet with the hundredth blow, the rock splits in two.

It was not the final blow that did the trick,
but all that had gone before.

We may pursue a goal for months without obvious results
we become convinced that we are wasting our time.
But if we continue going to meeting, share about our struggles,
taking it one day at a time, and be patient with ourselves,
We may awaken one day , to find that we have changed , seemingly overnight.

I have a gut feel that all these months of faith and
hard work will made the changes possible one day.
The results would revealed themselves abruptly one day.

It took us a long time to become an addict and
it may take a long time for us to recover.
we must be patient.

[kin]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in. I am lost. I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I see it is there, I still fall in, it‘s a habit.
I know where I am, It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I walk around it

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[kin]

Hi P,

Beside the potential destruction that gambling can bring us, if we look at the potential happiness that gambling can offer us when we get what we wanted, it is normally very short term and never last long.

I decided to give up after considering very carefully, yes, there are winnings many times, yes I was happy but it never last before I get suck in by the gambling again and other complications set in…spending more time than I wanted, feeling anxious when I am not gambling.

The happiness many of us here get in life when not gambling are real and it is permanent. I ask myself now why do I always go for happiness that is short term when I should be going for long term happiness in life.

It also help me to look at my acting out in alcohol, work, love for money, sex, food, doctor prescribe drug, internet. The satisfaction, contentment, happiness I receive from these acting out just like gambling was short and not permanent.

Why did I give up permanent/long term happiness for short lived ones ? Why? This question bring up to the surface my stupidity, ignorant and stubbornness, I have eyes but cannot see.

I decided to change my ways, I decided to give up self-centered, selfish, self seeking ways and love my family and others more, instead of listening to me, myself and I, I turn to God.

God and you are my witness.

Cheers P

Blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,

I have heard of this recovery slogan in the past

True humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less

I find it easier to think of God more and think of myself less.

[kin]

Hi Bettie,

I am so glad to see your thread, u have been missed in here. I am a little concern after reading some of your latest posts. I can see stress in different areas of your life now, any stress can be a major trigger to me, it is worrying to see you having them, we all know that the price one pay for problem gambling can be very heavy. Please do be careful and watch out for these stress, they are not helping.

Blessings

Kin

[kin]

Please watch these clips, a picture is worth a thousand words.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fC6RP6tZ1Q

I have seen the above clips in the past, but It was only now that I get this strong feeling and a different message.

I can actually see myself in there now, I was actually the homeless man, God was the provider, I was just grateful and glad to share His love and grace with others.

finally after struggling for so many years, look like I am slowly changing because there are times I really cannot find the old me in the new things I do now.

Never look down on anybody unless you are helping them up

[kin]

Dear P,
This thread is yours, keep posting as much as you can, let everyone know how you are doing.
You can see from the response and replies in here, you are not alone. Everyone is here to support you. Don’t walk away ok , you hear girl.

Cheers

Blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary,

It was easier in the second year compare to the first year when I am doing this.

Today I just want to remind myself that I cannot serve 2 masters.

Matthew 6:24
“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.

I don’t wish to idolize myself, my money, my job anymore, it only make me very self-centered, selfish and self-seeking. When I made how I feel and what I want a top priority, I only made things difficult for myself, I made giving up self-will and seeking God’s will harder for myself.

When me, my money and my job is not a top priority, when I made God a top priority, it help me break the chain and I become free and safe.

I am no more held hostage by life circumstances, I have live with less money while in debt, any money I earn now is more than that, it will be enough, I will have no fear. If the working environment is not safe for my recovery, I will have no fear to change my job, I can live with lesser money now, it is enough.

When money is enough, I don’t need to gamble for more.

Daily I must remember to think of God more and myself less.

[kin]

Hi Vera,

I just hope that this little act will give this man more hope in recovery, in life, in other man. I was only a stranger to him before yesterday. Hope this little act can renew his belief, there are still someone out there who care and love him unconditionally. That happen to me. I have stop believing until someone show me God’s grace and love.

A newcomer can walk in homeless, penniless, jobless, alone, hungry and sick. This is tough. Only God can save us.

Recovery is a spiritual program. I was used as a tool, a messenger yesterday, my Higher Power loves that man.

Today I am just another broken pot. Isn’t it beautiful to see God use a broken pot to shine light on another. May that man shine brighter than me. In Jesus ‘s name I pray. Amen!

[kin]

Hi P

There was a recovery slogan call seek progress, not perfection, it helps one to be realistic in recovery.

Look at the experience and knowledge u have now in recovery. Look at those days u r not gambling in the past.
U can only get better at what u r doing over time.

It is like the example of the half full/ half empty glass. if I keep focusing and complain that it is half empty, not full and not perfect, I will be a very unhappy person.

If I am grateful and contented that it is half full and not empty, it changes the perspective of things.

Cheers P

Blessings

Kin

[Author]

Posts