[kin]

Dear Jrb

Change is a process, not an event – recovery slogan

Good job! On following the direction here when all else have fail.

it really work if you work it! and you are worth it!

blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear Jrb
I must stop my borrowing
it will stop increasing my debt.
I must learnt to live within my means
borrowing money to gamble or buy alcohol are not allow.

[kin]

Dear Jrb,
I can feel your struggle and pain but…..
Gambling, and alcohol only adds to the pain,
It’s like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
the side effects actually make the original pain worse
Please seek help. Please go visit an addiction professional or GA group near you. Please, please, please do it. No one can do your recovery for you.
It is time for the pain and suffering to end and healing to start.

[kin]

Hi Jrb,
We took so many years to become the person we are now, it will take time for us to change.

I am only speaking from personal experience, I remember when I was new, they told me, if all I did was stop gambling but nothing else about me change, I did not change, I only stop gambling, the rest about me did not change and that will send me back to gambling.

Hope you can understand what they are trying to tell me.

[kin]

Mark 12:44
The Poor Widow’s Offering
…43Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; 44for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.”

Dear diary,
I am glad to find my answer in the bible.

There is no need to feel ashamed or bad about giving away my limited time knowledge and money.

Now I am ready to be more pro active in my community, but it is good to check myself first because ….

In the past, there were many times I felt lousy or down because I feel that I was not good enough when I already gave my all, and there was also times I was holding back when I could have given more unconditionally.

I have also committed these sins in the past, I blame and look down on someone for giving so little when they have given their all. I also give more importance to someone who gave more than everyone but it was done out of surplus for him.

I was so shallow, judgmental, critical, unfair and unjust in the past.

[kin]

Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost
I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in
it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.
Where are you now?

[kin]

Dear diary
I felt that it was not healthy for me to remain in this company, work and working hours is going to increase but the pay shall remain the same .
I am willing to work harder for less but I am powerless over people and is thinking hard but the decision was an easy one, my colleagues has been saying that my manager is unreliable and cannot be trusted and that my supervisor is prejudice and a racist. Worst still, they are turning at one another now, they are doing character assassinations and tearing others up.
These people are not keeping the creator of my job, provider of my salary ‘s name clean, these colleagues are my brother and sister at work but they are tearing one another up.
The last time I need to made a decision to leave my job and move on to something new, I found this one. I left people who is not helping my recovery and found this job, it was one of the best thing to happen.
But now things at work have change in this company. I am now considering.
I love what happen on 28th Jan 2016, I like to think that the experience I had was not an co-incident but an act of God showing me HE is here and in control.

My Thoughts
I was concern that it may be a bad call or decision when I tender my resignation.
Feeling
Surprisingly the anxiety and fear of the uncertainty and insecurity was not as high as I thought it will be especially after the experience on the same day attending the recovery lunch time meeting and at work on 28 Jan 2016..
Action
My superior was nice and want me to withdraw my resignation. I told them I will consider but still serve my notice of resignation, my last day is 27 April 2016, 3 months is a long time and enough for me to made a good decision

Note:
I check with my sponsor a few days later about this, he read it differently, he did not feel that it was a sign from my Higher Power that my resignation was right but instead he say it was a sign from my Higher Power to me to do mission work in this area with recovering people.

[kin]

Dear Jrb
Man U won but what do you get in the end. How long can the happiness from this winning bet last you?

Is it going to strengthen your false hope that what you did was right and made you believe the lies you tell yourself?

Is it going to prolong your gambling and delay your recovery?

What can I do in the beginning?

If I cannot stop myself from gambling, I will apply for a self exclusion ban or ban myself from casino or betting sites online. In the event that I want to gamble, there is no where for me to do it.

I have proven capable of finding a new place to gamble in the past. To make sure I don’t fail this time, I have learn if that happen, I made sure I do not have the money to do it. I will have to limit my access to surplus money.

These two barriers is complementary to one another but it is only a temporary measures to stop you.

There are program such as the 12 steps recovery program, you find the people in GA practicing them long term. Please go to one near you, the experience person there will help you.

People who don’t have a program, their chances is slim.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I pray that this is a sign from my Higher Power, I am not in control, HE is. A sign HE is here. I must continue to believe more and have stronger faith in HIM.

On Friday dated 28 Jan 2016, I attended a lunch time meeting, the daily reflections from AA,NA,GA,OA was on the table, I look at the reading in all of them, strangely enough most readings just don’t register in me except the one from OA on this day. I volunteer to read it when the meeting begin.

Later, the company assign a new lady colleague on job attachment with me for the day, this is the first time I met her and I found out later that she has over eating health problem and knew the 12 steps recovery program.

We talk. Praise God.

[kin]

Hi P,
Thank you for your concern post, I appreciate it very much.
I was just feeling a little disappointed and down, it all started when I look at last year and look at this year. I wanted very much to protect this year.
I wish to continue practicing what kept me safe last year, I didn’t gamble when I was total abstinence but I didn’t have a perfect year, when I decided to be lenient and feel it was ok to stop practicing total abstinence, I saw how my pride and self righteousness take center stage and made up such convincing lies to myself that it was ok to go ahead to gamble. I just wrote down all those lies.
What happen last year can happen this year if nothing changes. I am sure I can do better this year but first, I must be honest about my character defects and change.
Potentially my character defects can make things difficult for me this year if I don’t do anything about them.
I must change inside and I must also change outside. I decided that I need to transfer my additional money into a different account every month from now on so that I will have just enough for the month. Just in case I want to gamble, I will not have that kind of money to do it. I didn’t think I need to do that last year, I was not humble enough but other barriers was already put in place in the past.
My first salary this year will come in next week, I need to start transferring money to a different account. I didn’t do that last year because I was manageable every month, I was strict with my money for more than 7 months until I lost my discipline and became lenient in my spending for the next 5 months, when I didn’t do enough, I even gamble when I want.
My chances for a better year is slim if I do nothing different. I need to trust God more and trust myself less.

I search the Bible for an answer, and found love and self-sacrifice was my answer to those lies I tell myself.

[kin]

Dear diary

If Love is the condition
If Sacrifice was proof of love.

I have lived a life of many regrets in the past, I am 50 now.
I do not wish to waste my remaining years finding an answer.

[kin]

Matthew 4:1-10

Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.

And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.”

But he answered, “It is written,

“‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Dear diary

When I go total abstinence, and stop gambling, expect no windfall.

When I pay my bills and service my loans responsibly, when I love and provide. I will experience low fund or have none. It will not be comfortable at times.

Expect me to experience many temptations from the devil, I will experience many feeling of hunger for more money.

[kin]

Having come to carry out the will of the Father, Jesus remained faith to it right to the end.
He thus carried out his mission of Salvation for all those who believe in him and love him, not in word, but in deed.

Love is the condition for following him, but it is sacrifice that is proof of that love.

“If anyone wished to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (luke9:23)

When the soldier came to arrest Jesus, Peter want Jesus to save himself.

Matthew 16:23
23 But Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance[a] to me.
For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”

[kin]

Romans 2:4
Paul is saying, “If you think that you can get away with sin because God is kind, tolerant, and patient, you’re greatly mistaken! His kindness should lead you to repentance, not to self-righteous complacency.

Romans 2:5
You are storing up wrath for yourself because of your stubbornness and your heart that refuses to change. God’s just judgment will be revealed on the day of wrath.

The self-righteous person picks parts of the Bible that he likes and pride himself on keeping those parts.

Matt. 23:28
“In the same way, outwardly you appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

Dear diary,
This was how I justify myself and blame my situations. I am so sorry.

How I justify myself
I am not using borrowed money to gamble. If I lost the bet, I think it is alright.
This gamble is a good way to make fast money, I will not gamble everything I have, I will not be greedy. I still think that it is ok and I am right. If I lost the bet, it is alright. I feel that I can afford the lost when I really cannot.
If I follow God’s will, I shall not gamble but my self-will think otherwise, I feel that I am right to go ahead to gamble.
This gamble is an opportunity I cannot miss. Law of probability is on my side. I feel that my chances are high. My false confident never feel that the chances of a loss are high here. I still think that I am right. If I lost the bet, I think it is alright, I can afford it when I really cannot.
I will not lose myself and go out of control. I can stop if things are not going well. I want to go ahead to do this gamble.
How I blame my situation
I am doing this because I need the money to service my loan and bills, increase my saving, renovate my place.

How my lies hurt my recovery
Engaging in games of chance, and gambling that depend on luck erodes my trust in God.

When I lost my faith and trust in God, my Higher Power and the 12 steps recovery program, who else am I choosing to trust ? it will be me, I , myself.

Everyone here knows when I am in the driver seat, I will get into troubles, sometime sooner sometime later.

[Author]

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