[kin]

Dear diary

I am very aware of the danger, that lack of sleep, mental fatigue and weakness can trigger thoughts to act out.

I work in the graveyard shift between 7 pm to 7 am, if I could not sleep at all or have little sleep after work, it can give me stress.

I have not exercise for a long time, attempt to do it in the early days is giving me pain and muscle ache causing me great stress.

Add the stress from lack of sleep and pain plus body aches , I am experiencing more stress recently

[kin]

Dear diary

It was so strange that they are doing this to me at One Hope Center

1. One day, the chairperson of GA meetings was busy and cannot come, her assistance taking over the chairing was late for 30 minutes, I happen to be in Wecare community service premises and being one of the old timer having going there for 11 years compare to the other 8 newer members, It was perfectly natural for me to volunteer to chair the meeting for the first time to help out in this situation . People in One Hope Center made a big deal, how did they know I chair a meeting in another organization, and that was the only time I chair a meeting.
2. It depend on my irregular work schedule, sometimes I attend another Christian support group meeting called Bless Grace Social Service. How did people in One Hope Center know I was attending the meeting there regularly or not going there at all.
3. I was wearing a newly bought T-shirt from Wecare Community Service, it shows the message Rebuilding Families and Transforming Lives when I attend a support group meeting at One Hope Center on Thursday ( I bought 2, one grey and one white with red wording in the back, I love the T-shirt). I was pick out and question in the group that I was wearing a T-shirt belonging to another welfare organization, this has never happen in the last 10 years of attending meeting there. When people change, policy change, things can change.
4. I knew IMH and Wecare community services do refer help seekers to One Hope Center but this is a place that do not encourage or refer help seeker to others to strengthen their support network in recovery.
5. If and when I tried to inform any help seekers I met there that they can also receive professional help from other VWO to complement the help that they are receiving in One Hope Center, they are concern others are stealing and pulling their client away.
6. This place is a Christian organization, I am a new believer in the Christian faith, I get challenge by many last Thursday meeting to be baptize, when is baptism so important and taking center stage to my recovery there, they claim to help seeker of other faith with their problems and not converting them yet they are doing this. It was very uncomfortable, Christians are known to be one of the most judgmental people and to be attack by big number is very stressful and harmful.
These are incidents that I experience there in the last few weeks, seem like it does affect me and I rather leave the place for good before irreversible long term damage is done to me by some hypocrites.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I work in a small company with a handful staff, everyone is young in their 20s and 30s. Ambitious, greedy, calculative and individualistic. I am the odd one out, I am the typical old and slow, not savvy in IT and forgetful, my capacity is limited.

When my colleagues is not happy, they go on medical leave and affect work in the company, we just do not enough headcount to cover them.

Company have brought in more work, I used to handle one project, now I am doing three and it can only increase.

I anticipated that I will struggle with the higher demand from work.

I am prepared to change job, one that pay me less but is less demanding to protect my sobriety

[kin]

Dear diary,

there was a time I wrote about my daily jog here in 2008.
I am 50 this year, I have aged and poor health is showing.
I continue to try to do what I did, starting with my first slow jog planning to slowly build up but I notice that I am bleeding inside and I lost my strength n stamina something I never experience in the past, it has interrupted my plan to exercise.
I have been beating my body for many years, the result is showing more now. I also suffer from memory lapse.
I have found peace in my life and I can live and accept this fact. I am a more happy person after I found recovery.
My only concern and worries was one day the poor health might deteriorate so badly it will affect my mind totally.

Before that day comes, now it is only when my addiction or stress take over, I lose my mind.

[kin]

Dear diary,

The 12 steps program is fundamentally based on ancient spiritual principles and rooted in sound medical therapy.

Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.

The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines.

The principle we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the addicts, the chapter to the agnostic, and your personal adventures before and after make clear three relevant ideas:

a. that we were addicts and could not manage our own lives
b. that probably no human power could have relieved our addictions.
c. that God could and would if He were sought.

[kin]

Dear dairy

This slip show that I was very much in danger of using old and wrong ways again to solve live ‘s living issues.

I was mentally and physically exhausted, fatigue, very unwell and uncomfortable on this fateful day. What I needed was a good massage for the muscle aches, pain and sleep but I don’t love myself enough to do it. SGD120 was way too expensive for someone limiting spending to only SGD10-20 a day – This was the beginning of a string of bad decisions on a bad day.

I saw a SGD 500 high risk gamble offering high payout. I check myself and thought about the likelihood of losing this SGD 500 before I go ahead to place the real bet. I feel that I can afford this money, if I win, I will be able to afford the massage – this is another wrong decision. I can no longer afford to lose a single cent to gamble in this lifetime plus I don’t need to gamble for the money to pay for the massage anymore.

Something was bigger and more powerful waiting, I never expected the anger and discontentment I felt after the gambling loss and bad decision to take control of me.

I don’t enjoy this part of gambling anymore and I was so fearful the anger will made me continue chasing my lost and gamble until I lose every thing away. I resorted to lowering the next 3 bets to limit the damage to rid the chasing part, x3 SGD100. In total I spend SGD800 on gambling losses.

I thought I could calm down, relax, and get well by consuming alcohol while I wait for the results, I was wrong. It made me more sick.

The scary part about my addiction was the alcohol. I could not stop and did not stop taking alcohol unlike the gambling on this day.

When I took alcohol, I successfully forget about the anger and discomfort of my gambling losses. I was proud and happy while I was drunk that I did not lose everything to gambling but I ended up spending the same amount of SGD800 on alcohol and tipping. – an awful mistake – an alcoholic like me should never go back to drinking.

When I was drinking, I people watch, I thought I could bring joy to others. Something I was doing on a regular basis for more than 2 years clean and sober, it is very healing.

It was a good habit of speading love and service to others, the last time I did this was a day before this event, I spend only SGD 13 to buy supper for 3 junior staff in my office building.

It only cost me around SGD10 to feed 3 person and successfully bringing joy and happiness to them, on the other side, it was so insane and crazy for me to spend SGD800 on alcohol and tipping. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was really wrong, I was so full of myself when I was drunk. Everyone know I was drunk and a big fool.

I am so disgusted and disappointed, angry and sad at my stupidity now.

Please look at how these behaviors and self-destructive acts tear down and destroy everything important in my life

The BIGGEST LESSON out of this after 50 years, I DO NOT KNOW how to LOVE MYSELF, it affected my ability to love my family and it cause me to fail terribly in this area.

This explain why I love my family but I could never do it by actions , only words and thoughts, this part is depressing.
I really love them but I keep doing the things that I hate.

I have to put on hold my plan to give SGD1500 to my sister every month out of love for this month…so sad.

I didn’t realize if I don’t know how to love myself correctly, I can ended up destroying myself and it can affect all my decision to love my family. This is one big BLIND SPOT I had for so many years.

I really love my family. I do not want this to happen again.

I made the mistake, they suffer the consequences, they don’t deserve the punishment and suffering I inflicted on them all these years…so sad.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I relapse on this day dated 9 April 2016. I blew SGD 800 on sports betting and SGD 800 on alcohol. SGD 1600 is a huge sum of money for someone like me who was living on a budget of SGD 10-20 a day, it could have last me 4 months if I use it wisely.

I did not continue gambling but I could not stop drinking, I was an alcoholic, I went on a drinking binge to 4 different drinking place within a night. I self destructed.

It was no excuse – I was sick, instead of sleeping i choose to self medicate with gambling and alcohol.

I could have minimize the damage if I allow myself to go for an expensive massage if I want to self medicate, it will only cost me SGD120 at the most and not blew SGD1,600.

I was not thinking straight, it was a terrible and stupid decision.

It is back to day 1 for me.

[kin]

Dear diary
I made a decision during a 40 minutes quiet time with my Higher Power, I am not attending the support group meetings in One Hope Center ( Christian organization), I shall trust God and pray to Jesus to lead me.

I used their support group meeting for its therapeutic effect in releasing the garbage and negative energy inside me, it is especially comforting and helpful for a new comer.

The new comer is the most important person in the group, I am not going to rob them of the help they so rightfully deserve, I don’t think it is fair to the newcomer who need it more than me, .

It is selfish, self-centered and self-seeking if I continue to remain there. It is time to move on. Let‘s see where this will lead me, there are many positive things I can do to replace this meeting, I can pray, do my step work, exercise or simply attend other support group meetings.

My recovery is not in line with their belief, they do not believe in recovering people like me going to other support groups to strengthen my safety net. They are concern people like me will be a bad influence and confuse the newcomers.

I have to carry my own cross, not them. I will have to use this opportunity to get closer to my God.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I am grateful for any circumstances that gave me the opportunity to renew my decision and commitment to turn over my will and my life over to the care of God as we understood Him mention in Step 3 of the recovery program.
I have learn thru trial and error that this is not a one time decision but a daily one.
I have learn from my mistakes the danger and risk of co-dependent on any recovery person or place.
I have also learn thru my slips and relapses that changing my heart and thinking is more lasting than changing my behavior.
Having said all that, I feel that I could not stay stop on my own. If I could, it would have succeeded more than 20 years ago, sadly it didn’t, I ended up trying to kill myself twice and continue to gamble for the next 20 years.
It only took a wise man simple advise more than 2.5 years ago, he was a God send angel, he encourage me to work hard to seek my Higher Power, most importantly he told me his secret that I can find all my answers in the bible. He was a living example, how can it be so simple, but coming from a successful man, it was very convincing indeed.
I realized Lord Jesus Christ was my Higher Power and my tool in recovery, the 12 steps recovery program started to function in my life as a result of my Higher Power.
I could not stop gambling and I was not successful working my stepwork for many years but God ‘s presence made the difference.

My Savior, my Lord Jesus Christ help me to do what I could not do on my own.

Amen.

[kin]

Dear diary
Today I realized another new thing.
I may be attending the same support group meeting run by the different anonymous groups, a drop in center and 2 different Christian groups but I have change.
Where was I
My sharing was the same in all the groups.
What happen
Some group focus on method and a recovery program, some groups focus on God. My sharing is not in line, I may not be saying the right thing in the right place.
Where am I now
Today I suddenly realized my behavior have change for a few months now.
I only talk about the 12 steps recovery program in the drop- in centre and the anonymous groups meeting for recovering addicts.
In the support group meetings run by Christian groups, I only share from my personal experience how God has help me to do what I cannot do in recovery and my life, how God made a big difference in my recovery and getting well, how God help me function like a normal person now.

[kin]

Dear diary
I thought I did very little but what I have learn and realized today was awesome!
There were uncontrollability in my life
1. My Work – I finished my 12 hours shift at 7 am but no one reported to work to take over from me until 2 hours later.
2. My Health – feeling unwell recently, was bleeding and passing blood when I pass motion.
3. My Body – felt very strong pain and body ache after exercise.
4. My Mind – mentally weaker and very stress due to improper rest and lack of sleep.
Today was a perfect day for darkness to strike! Gambling thoughts appear.
I check myself and found out I don’t really care too much about losing all my money at this time, it was not the most important thing to me, I only want the pain to go away.
I was weak physically and mentally, was in pain, felt very stress and suffering. I want to self-medicate, I need a relief fast, I need to escape from the pain and rid the suffering.
In the past, it was almost a guarantee that I would gamble.
I want to gamble today but I did not gamble.
I went to sleep and woke up feeling better after 5 hours.

My Thoughts
At my weakest today, I remember God’s word …….psalm 23
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want”

I don’t need to analyze, intellectualize or understand.
I only need to trust my Higher Power, let go of my self-will and obey.
God has save me and help me to do what I cannot.

[kin]

Dear diary
Where was I in the past?
When I wanted to gamble, I could not stop myself going to these gambling places.
When I wanted to gamble, when I am at these gambling places, I could not stop myself using all the money on me to gamble.
When I stop gambling, I could not stay stop for long period.
I was still in absolute and total control of everything in my life.

What happen?
I applied for self-exclusion ban to casino, I also applied for self-exclusion ban to participating gambling places not covered by the first one.
I did not let anyone manage my money in the past and I could always discover new places to gamble at places not cover by those self-exclusion bans. I have learnt the importance of setting up another barrier to protect the first one. When I find a new place to gamble, I will not be able to gamble when I want to because I do not have the money.
I have learnt from all the slips and relapses in the past that I was human, and not perfect, I have a thresh hold or tolerant to stay stop to gambling up to a certain limit only and that can be broken.
I started to learn about the 12 steps recovering program, but it could not help me to stay stop for long period because I have a problem applying the program in my life, I could not find a Higher Power greater than myself, a Higher Power that is loving and caring.

Where am I now?
I have learnt from all the slips and relapses in the past that I was human, and not perfect, I have a thresh hold or tolerant to stay stop to gambling up to a certain limit only and that can be broken but it can be strengthen by a Higher Power greater than myself in God and a recovery program like the 12 steps recovery program.
I did not ask anyone to safe keep my money in the past and failed to stay stop for long many times for so many years but after trying in the last 2 years to seek a closer relationship with God, I have become a less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking person. I love my family so much that I am very willing to sacrifice and give them my all. I am now able to give them all my salary minus my living expenses every month and they may use it in any way they like.
Ever since I get to know Lord Jesus Christ, I have become a more stable person emotionally and spiritually. The frequency of my desire to do escape gambling just to find self-relief or self-medication has reduced tremendously.
Best of all, the 12 steps recovering program I have learn in the past started to function in my life after I found my Higher Power in Lord Jesus Christ, everything I learn in the program started falling into place.
I have handed over my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power in Lord Jesus Christ, God has help me to stay stop when I could not.

Daily commitment and practice gave me the hope, strength, wisdom and know how I needed to help myself stay stop one more day longer every day.
I am like a new recovering person every day. Every day is new and no different from my first day in recovery; I still need to do what I did on my first day in recovery to remain clean and sober.

I am a grateful recovering compulsive gambler

[kin]

Dear P

One of the most common acronyms in recovery is H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).

This recovery tool is simple to use and applicable to all in recovery. No matter how you are feeling or what circumstances are going on around you, H.A.L.T. is a simple tool to assess if you are in relapse mode.

When any of these characteristics are present, a recovering person will be irritable, moody, lethargic, and seemingly unhappy. When our body is not feeling well, our brains also begin to think more negatively.

Negative thoughts will ultimately lead to cravings to gamble to escape.

It is important to have strong self-awareness of H.A.L.T. to decrease the risk of relapse.

Never act on thoughts that are based upon feelings that are generated simply because you have neglected to take care of your needs.

[kin]

Matthew 6:16 – 18(NIV)

16 “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.
17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face,
18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

[kin]

Matthew 6:25 – 34(NIV)
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

[Author]

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