[kin]

Dear diary
Dated 17th April 2016, I just finished my shift working from 7 pm to 7 am , I was very tired and sleepy. Reach home and had a warm shower, I heard a pleading weak voice outside my shower room asking for help and to save her, this is a familiar sound, the last time I heard this, it was from my 85 years old mum who cannot breathe, and another time, it was from my girlfriend over the phone, her father had a fall and become paralysed.
It was our maid, her arms and legs was having severe cramps and she cannot move. When I check her condition, she describe that this cramp travel from her stomach to her tongue. It sounded serious; she started to panic, cried and pray. The cramp went away but came back shortly a second time over an hour.
By now, mum and sis was awaken by the commotion on this early Sunday morning. Mum order me to call the ambulance and send her to the accident and emergency department at the hospital. Mum want me to accompany her.
I was not very uncomfortable and stress by mum taking full control…She didn’t know I was very tired and I do not have much money on me plus I have to work tonight. I wanted to go down stair to withdraw money from the ATM, she even stop me and told me she can pass me some but she didn’t know that ambulance services is very expensive and treatments in the hospital will definitely run into a few hundred dollars at the very minimum and into the thousands in Singapore, I was worried.
Sis was watching me, she knew something was not right with me.
Back to the maid, her conditions, signs and description look more serious, if it was a stroke which was her biggest fear, waiting will only make it more serious. She wants me to help her.
I called the ambulance, and they quickly arrive, sis was not working today and she volunteered to accompany the maid and it relieves my pressure tremendously.
At the hospital, they run all kind of tests on her, and concluded it was a one off incident and it was nothing serious, and she was discharge on the same day.
Back to my recovery and realization, mum and maid actually look up to me, I was dependable and was there for them always in all situation for more than a year now. I was willing to run all errands to convenient everyone at home.
It hit me real hard now that they are depending on me, my responsibility now is very high.
I realize how much my slip affected me on this day, I just blew away SGD$1,600 which could have been a great help financially in this emergency situation.
My family didn’t know that while I was trying to be helpful and useful, I was at the same time beating myself up very badly. I felt very sorry for failing them again and felt very guilty. Felt that it was all my fault and now they have to pay the price as a result of my slip/ relapse.
It was a big lesson today.
I have a big responsibility, money is important, I have dependents to take care.
I cannot get drunk and throw away money irresponsibly anymore. I may not use the slot machine but alcohol and slot machine do the same to my mind, they can destroy my life and take away everything important to me, my relationship with my family and God.

[kin]

Dear Maverick
I have read your posts and can see that many things is not turning out the way you would like, especially when one would like to do the right thing but continue to do wrong, or when one did the right thing but things did not get better, it got worst.
I have went through all these myself many times, it seem to be a part of recovery that all of us who have hit rock bottom have to go thru before thing get better.
I have been trying this recovery thing since 2005 and still trying now. Things do get better.This is the hope and asssurance I get along the way as things improves.
The more pain and setback we go through during recovery, the more it help us grow stronger and wiser.
I want to be honest about one observation I had during all these years, I speak from my personal experience:-
Man can follow and obey the spiritual principles in the 12 steps recovery program but none claim to have perfect adherence to it, they are not saints.
Man can follow and obey the words and teaching of God in the bible but we can never be perfect like God.
In recovery and in life, we strive and seek progress, not perfection. We are human and we err sometimes. Having said all that, it is no good excuse for anyone of us to go back to old destructive ways but there is light at the end of the tunnel, if we work real hard in our recovery, rarely have we seen someone fail at improving their life.
Bro Maverick, our solution is a spiritual one.
We have seen not all religious people are spiritual, many have prey on the innocent and weak, many have embezzle huge sum of money and we read about them all the time in the newspaper. Many straight people turn religious because they are afraid of going to hell.
Spiritual people may not be religious but I have met people who do not have a religion help the unfortunates and needy, ex convicts and recovering addicts who turned good. There was a saying in the recovery community: Religion is for people who are afraid to go to “hell”……Spirituality is for people who have been there!
Many times I was disappointed with myself when I do bad thing, many times I was disappointed bad things happen to me when I try to do good things. I have learnt from it and it forces me to accept and made adjustment to my unrealistic expectation. This was when I started to see a little light, I started to have a balance in living my life and I started to experience and receive a new found joy, a new found peace.
I heard a recovering lady say this the other day, your first day clean is the same as the other person with 10 years of clean days, every day is important, it is the same for everyone, we all do it one baby step at a time, one day at a time, it was the same on our first day, and it will be the same 10 years later. You must be proud of yourself for staying abstinence today.
You wish me well, and you say you cannot, I can. Well brother, over time and after many pain, I finally realize something, there is really a Higher Power, I cannot, HE can. HE help me to do things I cannot. When I found out about this Higher Power, it become easier for me to surrender to Him, to give up my selfish, self-centered, self- seeking ways, I try to give up my self-will and seek His will, give up my old ways and follow His way one day at a time. It was suggested in step 3 in the 12 steps recovery program too, made a decision to turn our will and life over to the care of God.
24Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. 25″For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.…( Mathew 16; 24-25)
I was an addict, I slip and relapse, this is the sign and symptom of addiction. I am seeking help for my addiction, over time I realize another thing, I increase my chance in recovery when I have a recovery program, going to meeting and sharing is not enough. I thought going to GA and working the 12 steps program, I would be like everyone but it was not to be, I continue to slip and relapse, I felt like giving up many times, it was only after I have found my Higher Power mention in the recovery program, that I start to experience changes in my life. Recovery is no more something I must do to survive, it has become enjoyable and a lifestyle now. Life is better and improving little by little.
The deeper we fall, the more things are not ok around us especially in early recovery, I am still recovering now since the day I hit my deepest rock bottom in 1998 and a few rock bottom after that. I am still picking up the pieces here and there but things is looking brighter now, there is hope.
I pick up this from an experience recovering person, if everything is not ok but I am ok, then I will be really grateful, happy and contented, because only those who have experience life at the rock bottom when things is not ok…know how bad it can get, how much suffering there is, how dark, hopeless, helpless, and painful it can be.
If everything is not ok and I am not ok, it means I have slip/relapse, it can a dangerous and risky situation, things can progressively get worst and worst, more and more serious.
I have a wish, I trust my Higher Power will lead me there one day, when everything is ok and I am ok.
You have said it, P and Vera have said it, we keep trying!
Don’t quit trying before the miracle happens…

[kin]

Jesus makes the promise (John 14:15-26).
“If you love me, you will obey what I command. 16And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever–17the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you,” (John 14:15-17).

2.”Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him,” (John 14:23).

Your body is the temple of God.
Be careful where it goes.
Be careful what it does.
Be careful what it ponders.
Be careful how it reacts.

[kin]

Dear diary,

Things is quickly turning out good and looking positive and bright now.

My family maid took out everything from my 2 wardrobe cabinet when I was not home yesterday. Every clothing useful and not useful was store in there for the last 20 years, nothing change, I didn’t change.

She didn’t have my permission, and it was not my wish, I didn’t like it one bit, I felt so frustrated when I saw everything turn inside out, I was very disappointed. She just do it and turn out to be my higher power here.

Her intention was good, she wipe clean the cabinet, wash some of clothing not worn for many years, organize everything for me.

It allow me to keep the good ones and throw away the unwanted ones.

This is something is common with the other things happening in my life now.

I didn’t want to see a doctor for my intestine bleeding, this is my self-will, a few of God ‘s messengers came and explain to me patiently, educate me very gently that my body is God’s temple. It help convince and help me to give up my self-will and seek God’s will.

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body,” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

Some things inside me never change until now.
When all else fail, follow directions.

When my wardrobe cabinet fail, I follow my maid.
When my health fail, I follow God send messenger advice.

They are all my Higher Power.

These is just the beginning…..

[kin]

Sinner ‘s Prayer

“Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

Dear Vera

Thank you for the suggestion, I feel better after saying the sinner ‘s prayer.

[kin]

Dear diary,

After a slip/relapse, one of the first thing to consider was always this slogan: When all else fail, follow directions.

After meeting the addiction counsellor, I was convince by him to see a doctor for my bleeding. His reason was simple, God says the body is my temple, I must look after it.

[kin]

Dear Sad69

You are a God send messenger to me today, at a time when I was beginning to feel more and more depress and here come your id, Sad69. Thank you. I appreciate it very much.

Thank you for reminding me I am not walking alone in my fight to get well, all thanks to God, all thanks to you and all the friends in GT.

The worst thing that could happen to anyone in my situation now is falling into a depression and into a very hopeless and helpless state with continue destructive behaviors.

The depress feeling may has return, I can feel the sadness and recognize it but I shall turn my will and my life over to the care of God.
I am sure over time, everything can still remain not ok but I will be ok by the grace of God but if I take over control now, nothing will change, everything will remain not ok and I will be not ok.

Let go!

Let God!

[kin]

Dear diary

It is so hard to put them into words, my vanishing feeling and the damage to my quiet calm and peace as a result of losing the confident that life is improving and losing the acceptance of my imperfect life is affecting my happiness and joy.
I really wish that it is all a dream and my slip/relapse did not happen. If I could turn back the clock, it would not happen.
I felt like isolating myself and disappearing from the guilt and all the shameful feeling I had instead of facing the world and the truth.
Life is hard but I was happy in recovery, now I have made it harder.
I shall continue to work even harder with my remaining time.

[kin]

Dear diary

The following day after I slip/relapse. I felt the familiar helplessness and fearful feeling.
Fear that the alcohol and gambling will take over my life and the destructive acts will continue to wreck more havoc and cause more damage to my life and family.
Felt so helpless, so helpless I could not turn back the clock, and do things differently, I cannot take back what I have thrown away and lost.
I was so frighten about my future, my mind was so numb, I was so disappointed and shock I have done it again on this scale. This is the first time I went to a Sunday Church service immediately after. I have already turn my will and life over to God. I could not do anything now except hold the bible tightly in my hand and pray to God for help and mercy.
I am never going to places with hypocrites around for help. These people may be thinking and will be saying, I left their place and immediately I fall. They are blind, they will never admit people seeking help left the place because of their presence.
I trust my Higher Power can save me, and has plan for me to grow and not tear me down. This whole experience happen for a reason and help me get in touch with my raw pain, vulnerability and weakness. It is about carrying my heavy cross, I must accept the pain and suffering, I cannot run away from it.

[kin]

Dear P

After a while, I forget it is very easy to fall.

I am so vulnerable at all times.

This made feel me very broken and humble.

Life was good, it is such a waste to throw it away.

I still feel very painful about the costly mistake.

It is hard not to beat myself and forget everything did not happen.

[kin]

Dear diary

I feel that I am already so close to my grave and yet I am still learning how to live life.
It is so embarrassing and ashamed, I was so immature and such a big fool.
2 days has passed, I am beginning to feel the remorse, regrets and big disappointment over my slip/relapse, the self beating have began.
I am a repeat offender using alcohol and gambling, imagine if i am doing hardcore drug in Singapore and I was caught, it can mean 12 years behind bar. There is no room for a single slip/relapse.
Why cant I wake up my idea, this is really a serious problem that I am toying.
One time is one too many!!!
One time is one too many!!!
One time is one too many!!!

Dated 8 Dec 2014, I wrote here: Alcohol and gambling has rob me of everything I have, and stripped me of all my self respect, dignity and esteem, leaving me helpless with only shame, guilt, hopelessness and more suffering

[kin]

Dear diary

I was at Wecare community services today to enjoy the drop in facility and to fix an appointment with an addiction counsellor there.

Met a recovering lady friend I first met 10 years ago who shared with me today her new struggles in addiction. She have been in the AA fellowship for 11 years.

All I did was show her a movie on a real life story of a compulsive gambler called going for broke at the drop in center.

She shed tears, guess she can relate and was touched by the movie, just glad she found her answer for the day. she start praising the Higher Power after the movie.

Guess she needed the encouragement and attention more than me.

this saying cross my mind now:

I cried because I have no shoes to wear until I saw a man on the street with no feet.

I slip and fall the other day, yes I still carry the pain but today this friend is more troubled and in bigger pain than me. Thank you God for the healing. Amen.

[kin]

Dear Maverick

I have read your thread and posts and was very aware you are going thru some hard time lately but yet you are so kind to give me words of encouragements just like P, Vera and some others always.

This is the honest truth, take away the addiction, we are really nice people inside.

Help us! God. In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.

[kin]

Dear diary

I love this saying, one of my recovery friend like to use this ” everything was not ok but I am ok”, there was a lot of wisdom in it, it was all about calm and peace in the middle of the storm. Despite all the bad news that life has throw at him, he manage to remain clean and sober

I knew everything was not ok recently and I was not ok. It ended up with a slip / relapse.

What could I have done differently next time.

Why don’t I sacrifice the small sum of money to love myself more, find help to get proper rest and sleep, it could be the end of the story on the day. I lack wisdom and clarity of the mind.

Why didn’t I sacrifice my personal desires, etc alcohol and gambling for the love of my family. I was so selfish, irresponsible and careless. I have make a mistake and committed a repeated offence, will be hard for any man to forgive me for doing wrong again.

I allow the alcohol to run my life on this day, I did thought about God when I was drunk but I am not going to be self righteous about it, I was drunk and thinking of God. On this fateful night I was drunk and talking about God. Alcohol was controlling me, alcohol become my master on that fateful night.

I cannot serve 2 master on this night, it is either God or alcohol, I will surely love one more than the other

I have never attain perfection in recovery all these times but it is true if I work hard in recovery with God ‘s grace, life can change, life can improves, it is worth it!

God has help me to do what I cannot do in recovery. For me it is a miracle because on my own for so many years, I could not get well. Now that I am better, how can I slip/relapse and turn to the demon.

I so regretted about my behaviors and was ashamed of my slip / relapse. I needed God to have mercy on me and give me grace.

[kin]

Dear dairy

The beautiful things in recovery was the amendment and repair to the relationship with family, finance situation, work and my recovery. It was a dream come true.

I risk losing everything important to me to alcohol, gambling and other mood alternative substance and behaviors.

Do I want to throw away everything important to me ?

[Author]

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