[kin]

Dear diary,

These people used the right words to describe what happen to me.

The worst thing that ever happen to me was winning some money, I ended up spending more money trying to replicate the feeling. ~ Slot-machine Addict.
Once you interact with these machines, the dynamic changes, and what you get out of these machine is not necessary the excitement and thrill of winning but the pleasure of being in this rhythmic zone. ~ Assistant Professor Natasha Schull
It was like a trance that came over me ~ Slot-machine Addict
When you are sitting in front of that machine, you are intoxicated. You have not taken a pill , you have not taken a drink, you have not put something into your vein, but that doesn’t mean your brain chemistry haven’t change. ~ Dr Robert Breen, Director, Gambling Treatment Progam, Rhode Island Hospital
In 2001, Doctor Hans Breiter and colleagues at Massachusetts General hospital conducted an experiment comparing the brain of a cocaine addict receiving a dose of cocaine and a healthy control subject playing the game of chance.
You look at the brain images of the activation of the primary reward system in the center of the human brain when they are a cocaine addict expecting a cocaine infusion vs a normal control subject expecting a monetary win, we saw the same thing, they are nearly identical, I could not distinguish who have receive cocaine and who have won a gambling task. ~ Doctor Hans Breiter, Director, Motivational and Emotional Neuroscience Center, Massachuset ts General hospital
The US national gambling impact study commission called these electronic gambling machines the crack cocaine of creating new addicted gamblers. ~ John Kindt , Professor, Business and Legal Policy, University of Illinios
The Gambling industry members talk about how to keep the people playing the machine longer, faster and more intensively and the way they speak about their aim is an aim of player extinction. Keeping the player there until their budget is thoroughly exhausted , until they have zero the player out.

[kin]

Hi Vera

If everything goes by the month, I am glad April 2016 is over and history.
The wake up call I get from this slip just show how I can still be very powerless and unmanageable over people, places and things that I have little or no control…using alcohol and gambling only make matter worst.
I am glad life has return back to normal now. I truly appreciate the vulnerable feeling I get – the fear and vigilant kept me safe otherwise after a while I can drift and get complacent.

[kin]

Dear Maverick
Thank you for sharing your recovery with us. I read your last post and it brought back many memories, so I started to process my thoughts, feelings and action below.
About Distorted thinking / Irrational Thoughts
It goes back to my familiar irresponsible and predictable old ways to solve financial problem.
It was an old habit, I have done it many times over and over again for many years, sometimes turn to many times I have succeeded in winning my gamble and the additional money solve my problem, it prove that what I did was right, every time I have no peace and stress over finance matters, I do this, does it matter that the way I do it was wrong.
This is a quick fix and an escape for me / running away from the long and painful slow months and years of repaying to cleared my debt. It felt like a long imprisonment sentence (cannot wait to get out of this prison immediately) because I lost the freedom to use my money, I feel like a slave, I ended up working for money just to repay my debt and nothing else, life become very meaningless.
The truth of the matter was that I done this over and over again many times, after many years, I realized that I lost more money than all the wins add up altogether.
On most times, it actually worsen the situation and deepen the holes. I have learnt thru these painful experiences and realize that I was not contented with the limited money I had during these time, I felt that it was not enough, I want more, I fail to realize the limited money I had is better than being broke, I fail to be grateful to be able to pay for some bills and not for all the bills. In the end, I lost all the money I had trying to win back some more and throw everything I had away. i complicated matter and make things harder for myself because now I do not have the money that are supposed to cover all the necessities for the month.
Self-deception
To break free from this problem, the old ways have to go! I cannot forget the old habitual thoughts but I can don’t follow my thought and practice new thoughts and new ways.
The thoughts , the temptation and urge to use old familiar way to solve my financial problem through gambling was all a lie, it was a con job by my mind, it is very deceiving and convincing, it can tell me a thousand and one reasons why it is alright to go ahead to gamble and that I gamble out of love, the winnings can be used to treat my love one better and that I gamble out of responsibility, the winnings can be used to pay for the bills or service the debt. Crossing the road have risk, marriage have risk, many things i do every day have risk , just like gambling, why not gamble. It is not ok to do it. Stop listening to these lies.
The truth of the matter, if I don’t gamble, the limited money I had is enough to pay for the necessities. The bigger debt or loan can be overcome by setting aside a smaller amount over a longer period.
When I feel that life is tough, please please please don’t panic or get frustrated , I only need to wait, I don’t need to gamble, I don’t need to do anything.
The ability to be patient and be still, the ability to find peace and calm in the middle of a financial storm, requires depth in strength and a lot of practice. Our frustration and discontentment can turn into anger and impatient, it can lead us to become impulsive and get into more toubles.
Wait
The truth of the matter was I find it very tough and hard, to restrict myself, I cannot do this, I cannot do that in recovery, cannot borrow, cannot gamble, cannot spend more than my allowance every day. I am so fed up that I want to give up this strict, discipline and regimental life temporary before all the bills and debts are cleared. I can feel the pressure and stress sometime in early days.
The wisdom behind all these practices was not to restrict us but to free us to love again.
If I am contented with the limited money, no shoes to wear is better than having no feet. If I have faith and trust that it will be enough to pay for most of the necessities, most of the needs will be met every month, slowly I gain confident, I start to learn how to find peace and calm in my life even though it was not a perfect month.
If there are not enough money to pay for the lesser priority bills, postpone it to the next month, it will still be settled. If it is a top priority bill and I do not have enough, break it into many payments.
I learn acceptance, my responsibility is to do my best, sometime my best is not enough, life is not perfect, man is not perfect and there is no reason to allow this imperfection to rob us of our peace.
There will be times when I can have money to give my love one a treat but it may require me to sacrifice or give up something I like. I learn to consciously stop feeding my own desires and self-will, I learn to give up selfish, self-centered, self- seeking spending. I learn to tighten my wallet, I really have to work very hard compare to others I know to have some money to love my family.
This lesson taught me how to love. In the past, I love and give out of surplus, now I learn to give my all.
Everything happen for a reason.
Wait and it will be reveal to us in time.
Have faith. Trust.
I like to borrow a line from the anonymous group, in the promises, it says if we are painstaking about this phrase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through…

[kin]

Dear diary
About My Distorted thinking / Irrational Thoughts
It goes back to my old familiar, predictable and irresponsible ways to handle financial problems.
It was an old habit, I have done it many times over and over again for many years, sometimes turn to many times I have succeeded in winning my gamble and the additional money solve my problem, it prove that what I did was right, every time I have no peace and stress over finance matters, I do this, does it matter that the way I do it was wrong.
This is a quick fix and an escape for me / running away from the long and painful slow months and years of repaying to cleared my debt. It felt like a long imprisonment sentence (cannot wait to get out of this prison immediately) because I lost the freedom to use my money, I feel like a slave, I ended up working for money just to repay my debt and nothing else, life become very meaningless.
The truth of the matter was that I done this over and over again many times, after many years, I realized that I lost more money than all the wins add up altogether.
On most times, it actually worsen the situation and deepen the holes. I have learnt thru these painful experiences and realize that I was not contented with the money I had during these times. I feel that it is not enough and I want more. I fail to realize the little money I had is better than being broke. I failed to be grateful for being able to pay some bills and not for all the bills. In the end, I lost all the money I had trying to win some more and throw every thing I had away. I complicated my problem and make it harder for myself, I created a new problem on top of the original one. Now I lost all the money that are supposed to cover the necessities for the month.
Self-deception
To break free from this problem, the old ways have to go! I cannot forget the old habitual thoughts but I can don’t follow my thought and practice new thoughts and new ways.

Stinking Thinking
The thoughts , the temptation and urge to use old familiar way to solve my financial problem through gambling was all a lie, it was a con job by my mind, it is very deceiving and convincing, it can tell me a thousand and one reasons why it is alright to go ahead to gamble and that I gamble out of love, the winnings can be used to treat my love one better and that I gamble out of responsibility, the winnings can be used to pay for the bills or service the debt. Crossing the road have risk, marriage have risk, many things i do every day have risk , just like gambling, why not gamble. It is not ok to do it. Stop listening to these lies and stinking thinking.
The truth of the matter, if I don’t gamble, the limited money I had is enough to pay for the necessities. The bigger debt or loan can be overcome by setting aside a smaller amount over a longer period.
When I feel that life is tough, please please please don’t panic or get frustrated , I only need to wait, I don’t need to gamble, I don’t need to do anything.
The ability to be patient and be still, the ability to find peace and calm in the middle of a financial storm, requires depth in strength and a lot of practice. Our frustration and discontentment can turn into anger and impatient, it can lead us to become impulsive and get into more toubles.
Wait
The truth of the matter was I find it very tough and hard, to restrict myself, I cannot do this, I cannot do that in recovery, cannot borrow, cannot gamble, cannot spend more than my allowance every day. I am so fed up that I want to give up this strict, discipline and regimental life temporary before all the bills and debts are cleared. I can feel the pressure and stress sometime in early days.
The wisdom behind all these practices was not to restrict us but to free us to love again.
If I am contented with the limited money, no shoes to wear is better than having no feet. If I have faith and trust that it will be enough to pay for most of the necessities, most of the needs will be met every month, slowly I gain confident, I start to learn how to find peace and calm in my life even though it was not a perfect month.
If there are not enough money to pay for the lesser priority bills, postpone it to the next month, it will still be settled. If it is a top priority bill and I do not have enough, break it into many payments. If I do not have the money to buy or pay for something now, I can do it 3 years later, it make living life so much more manageable.

I learn acceptance, my responsibility is to do my best, sometime my best is not enough, life is not perfect, man is not perfect and there is no reason to allow this imperfection to rob us of our peace.
There will be times when I can have money to give my love one a treat but it may require me to sacrifice or give up something I like. I learn to consciously stop feeding my own desires and self-will, I learn to give up selfish, self-centered, self- seeking spending. I learn to tighten my wallet, I really have to work very hard compare to others I know to have some money to love my family.
This lesson taught me how to love. In the past, I love and give out of surplus, now I learn to give my all.
Everything happen for a reason.
Wait and it will be reveal to us in time.
Have faith. Trust.
I like to borrow a line from the anonymous group, in the promises, it says if we are painstaking about this phrase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through…

[kin]

Dear diary

I am not going to do it with my own strength, HE will deal with it.

[kin]

Dear diary

April 2016 was a bad month for me over the last 18 months.

There are people who don’t made the same mistake I do, my younger brother is one of them, they will never do what I did. They are more responsible, they do not choose to run away or escape, self-medicate when things become unbearable.

I was more responsible in my life now compare to the past but I still have a thresh hold or limit for bad news and pain. When things become so uncomfortable and painful, I am capable of giving up and throwing every thing away and turn to alcohol and gambling.

Recovery was nice and kind to me, it has become enjoyable and fun, rewarding and worth it.

I am speaking from my personal experience, I feel that there are many things I cannot control in my life.

Just to mention one, I cannot control the weather and there are really many things in life that I have no control over and can happen.
I just learn a big lesson in life, sometime all the bad news can show up together, one after another in a string, when you feel that this will be the last one, another one show up.
I have a problem, my expectation of life and recovery can be very unrealistic. I don’t and never expected many bad things to happen all at once, but this can happen to anyone.

I thought this is only normal if I am not living my life properly, and when bad news or bad things happen to me, it is kind of expected, fair and acceptable but it is a different story for me if I try hard to live my life properly and everything goes wrong, I feel that it is hard and not acceptable. I was not ready for that and was totally not prepared for it. I have set myself up to fail.

I can be very certain now that in life and in recovery, there will be bad news and things may not turn out according to our wishes.
How many bad news and how much pain can I take all at once ?
What is my thresh hold, what is my limit for adversity and pain in life.

I have flaws. My resilient have limit. I am so afraid and worried when life become so painful and fearful, I will become a coward. I will betray my Higher Power, I will leave my Higher Power. I will give up recovery. I will not love my family.

What happen recently was part of my growth.

Help me God, lead me.

Thank you God, today I feel grateful and contented with what I have.

[kin]

Dear diary

Today was the first day I woke up thanking God since 9th April 2016.

I am speaking from my own personal experience. It may be a one time incident for the alcohol but the damage was done, it changes my priority, focus, and ways. It made me backslide to an earlier period.

All the good changes that have taken place recently has suddenly disappear in my daily life and I keep getting old familiar thoughts of acting out and it squeezes God out of my life.

If I plan to use my salary to gamble or use alcohol, there is no more room to love my family, I feel that I do not have the same amount of money to give them. This is a lie, I cannot believe what my mind is telling me.

My mind tell me to continue to use alcohol lightly, continue to gamble, give up my plan to love my family since it has fail, my relationship with God has distance, my life has change for the worst.

This is all a lie, it was the devil trying to convince me to go back to my old ways.

I stop and stay there, I did not continue to slide down but my mind is convincing me to continue the downward slide.

In recovery, the past is history, I cannot change what has happen, I cannot undo my irresponsible deeds.
Today is the most important day, I can be accountable and responsible today.
I cannot change yesterday but I can do something about today.
One day at a time, it all add up and determine my future.

[kin]

Dear diary
Every entry in this forum is growing in importance and helping me, my past is teaching me how to live my life today and pointing me in the right direction.
My last rock bottom was in year 2013, since then it has been one of the most fulfilling and rewarding period in my recovery journey, I was hopeful, and things has been good for more than a year now, but life is full of up and down, this is life’s term.
Finally, this month was not a good month, there were so many unexpected things happening to me one after another, I never experience this many bad news since end 2013. But it was still nothing compare to what I went through in 2013 which was more serious.
I expected my recovery to remain stable and good. I was prepared to accept one or two bad news but not when most things is turn upside down this month, I find this hard to accept, I was dissatisfied and lost my gratitude.
Nevertheless I am sure I will be grateful about this lousy month one day in the future, it has reminded and taught me that there will be bad times in recovery, not every day is easy, some days will be tough like this month.
I was a fool and it was stupidity to expect “good days alway” in recovery. When reality strike and it wasn’t, I lose my cool.
Anyway I cannot wait for this month to be over. In the meanwhile, the bad news continue, I was just told by the income tax department that they will tax me and I may be indebted to them for SGD$900, something new to me plus I receive a legal letter of demand from Housing Board here for SGD$300 today, I forget to made SGD$25 payments for 12 months.
Just glad I am no more taking alcohol or gambling. The experience this month has increase my awareness for living life on life‘s terms.

In time to come, I will laugh it off what I experience this month.

[kin]

An impulsive man is characterized by actions based on sudden desires, or inclinations rather than careful thought.

An impulsive kiss is based on emotional impulses; spontaneous

An impulsive person can be forceful, inciting, or impelling

If someone is impulsive, it means that they act on instinct, without thinking decisions through.
If someone have worked for an entire year to save money for the family and then suddenly decided to spend it all on alcohol and gambling instead, that would be an impulsive spending.
Impulses are short, quick feelings, and if someone is in the habit of acting on them, they’re impulsive

Dear diary
I realized I was an impulsive person, I did not help myself, taking alcohol only made matter worst.
Reach home today at 8 am and was informed by my family maid that a man have committed suicide by jumping down a highrise flat next to our block 2 hours earlier.
Regardless of how bad the situation or thing is turning out for me, every single day alive was a bonus, there is no need to rush anymore, I could have been dead more than 18 years ago if I have succeeded, but I can lose my mindfulness and forget.
If one stay in recovery long enough, if one has attended enough meeting, one will surely experience friends in recovery who pass away of unnatural causes. Rest in peace my friends.
Many times I do not have to do anything but it take a lot of wisdom calm and serenity to stay still, let go and let God, it is easier say than done in early recovery.

It takes strength for a recovering person to be able to keep still, imagine the impulsive, compulsive and anxiety issues and struggles they have to overcome first to be able to do this.

I think every recovering person should be proud of this fact, This maybe nothing for a normal person without this problems but it is a big deal for a recovering person to be able to be still.

[kin]

Dear diary
When things start to improve, I become complacent recently, I lower my guard and didn’t think I need to keep it at 100%, I didn’t think a small fire can be that destructive to me, but when there was a few small fire burning around at the same time, I realize I was vulnerable and not ready to kill it.
There are many things I didn’t do.
I realize I was dissatisfied and find it hard to be contented with all the unexpected events that happen lately, I started to focus on the things I do not have and forget to be grateful for all the things I have and risk losing everything as a result, is it worth it? Ever since I found a religion, I realize I was such a big fool, I can substitute God with another thing such as alcohol and gambling. Instead of resting on God, I turn to other ways.
I was enjoying the new freedom I have after a few years,and I was not working as hard as I used to be on my day one when I go total abstinence, I allow myself to do things I wouldn’t do. I lose my discipline, I have less purpose in doing things, and I give myself room to do wrong morally, my excuse was I am still working my recovery but I was not trying as hard as I used to normally do.
I didn’t take baby steps, I was not looking at what is directly in front of me, I was not focusing on saving and giving SGD1,500 this month, I was dreaming about saving SGD 70,000 for the house and giving to my family SGD$70,000 over the next few years.
I was not doing first thing first, I was not looking at one thing at a time, I was already planning for bigger things 4 to 8 years later, my eyes are already looking far and not focusing on what is in front of me.
It is no wonder I trip and fall, I even roll….haha
Again I did it my way and my way proves it didn’t work for the hundredth times.
The challenges now is not bigger than 3 years back, if I focus and do the same back then…I should be fine.

Thank you God.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am human, I make mistake.
When an event take place, especially an event that I have no control over in life and does not wish it to happen to me, I get distracted. I thought I was still focus in God but I was not, when another event took place and another and another, I was overwhelmed and lost my focus and myself totally.
Normally it will be progressive and take some time before I backslide seriously but I turn to self-medication and turn to mood altering substances , the impact was immediate, the heavy intoxication change my thought pattern back to my old familiar ways, it change the direction of my life for the worst.
The sermon at the church service today was about
The Transfiguration (Matthew 17:1-5)
1Six days later Jesus took with Him Peter and James and John his brother, and led them up on a high mountain by themselves. 2And He was transfigured before them; and His face shone like the sun, and His garments became as white as light. 3And behold, Moses and Elijah appeared to them, talking with Him. 4Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good for us to be here; if You wish, I will make three tabernacles here, one for You, and one for Moses, and one for Elijah.” 5While he was still speaking, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and behold, a voice out of the cloud said, “This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well-pleased; listen to Him!”
An event took place, Peter was impulsive, he want to do something, but God ‘s voice tell Peter to listen to Jesus.
I have been acting out in my ways for the last few weeks and not seeking God’s ways. The outcome was harmful and damaging. I had to renew my commitment to surrender my will and my life over to the care of God. I am going back to the day I check myself, if it is a selfish, self-centred and self- seeking way, I shall deny myself. I shall give up my way and follow God’s way and carry my cross. I am prepared for the discomfort, the burden, pain and suffering if there is any. I will carry my cross. I am going to try hard to be total abstinence for 180 days from today.
When I don’t care, trust myself more, trust God less and follow my own ways, I am prone to do wrong.
It was different from I care and Trust God and follow God‘s way.
I am an impulsive person, I must learn to be patient, sometimes I don’t have to do anything, I only need to let go and let God.

[kin]

what really happen to me, what send me into a depression, what turn me to work to numb myself and use alcohol heavily and later gambling. I have build a career I love and destroy it myself in the process.

My Higher Power has not peal away a layer of skin off, but all the layers at one go to reveal my unresolved emotional wound from 23 years ago.

I discovered recently that these people from the past have move into the same building which I stay for a few weeks now

It has come to me, I cannot run, I cannot hide.

finally 23 years later……I have to face them again but I am more mature, experience and ready now.

I don’t know how to look at it, she has applied for a personal protection order against me 23 years ago but now her family have move into the same building I reside. It is insane . I can never expected things to turn out like this…I am very confuse.

Maybe it was time to put a closure to this event that lead me to suffer from post traumatic stress disorder so many years ago.

I trust you God, I trust You to lead me

[kin]

Dear diary
Event after event is taking place in my life now that I have no control.
It is not ok because I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to response or react to these situation correctly.
I have to do something about the “ not ok” before I start rotting again.

I am going back to the basics – counting my blessing
When my life was not ok, these things happen:
Where was I?
1. I was put behind bar in jail for less than 48 hours
2. I was lock up in a mental institution over a weekend
3. I was admitted and had operations in the hospital a few times.
4. I was chase by money lenders and debtors.
5. My thoughts, feelings, emotions was a big mess.
6. I was useless and cannot contribute to my family in time, energy, love and money
7. I was jobless and have no money for food and transport.
8. I continue to borrow
9. I get intoxicated regularly and not living a sober life.
10. My judgement and decision making was impaired
11. I tried to kill myself twice.
12. I did not look for help and a direction
13. I do not have a God

What happen?
I found recovery and God
Where am I now?
Life have improve

[kin]

Dear diary
Thoughts
Family are kind and loving people, when the maid suffered severe cramp and when she was worried that it could be a stroke.
If it is true, any delay in treatment will made it more serious, so the family made me called the ambulance service to send her to the hospital.
85 years old mum who is not thinking straight all the time want to have her voice and opinion heard, she is still telling us what to do.

Feelings
Sometimes the family treated outsider better than one of us. Mum like to be the boss, I am not in control, she want us to respect her decision.
It does not made sense to me, when mum suffered from a choked artery and cannot breathe, when I suffered from unbearable extreme and sharp pain due to my liver problem, we both took a cab to the hospitable. Mum is at least 50 years older than this maid and I am 20 years older than her, and she get to use the ambulance service which can cost sgd150 instead of sgd 15 for cab for severe cramps and because she complaint she cannot move.
Action
There are 3 of us, when opinion differs, respect is important, I choose to take a back seat, listen and follow my sis final decision.

[kin]

Dear Maverick
Recovery for me have turn from a tough experience into an enjoyable one after many years, it did not happen on my first day, it happen only after I learn my lessons and “change”.
I was a perfectionist and was very hard on myself when things go wrong. Instead of focusing all my energy on starting all over again a new, I wasted a lot of time and unnecessary pain and suffering dwelling on what went wrong and why it has been so hard to get back on the right track.
Brother, you are on the right track in recovery, everything changes for me when I made changes to my unrealistic expectation, expecting life and recovery to be perfect was one of them…it was one of the main reason why I cannot move on, I ended up staying down for a long time… look at a baby learning how to walk, when the baby fall, the baby immediately get up and try again, again and again, did the baby learn to walk on the very first attempt? How did the baby succeed?
Yes it is hard to get back on the right track, no denial about that, the first step was always the toughest, it is the same for everyone. It take up the most energy. It was the hardest in the beginning, an air plane burn the most fuel when it was taking off, after that it will be plain sailing, it will get easier along the way.
Keep it simple, take one baby step at a time, do the next right thing, when all else fail follow direction, one day at a time…these are useful slogans during difficult time.
I wish you well.
Many blessings
Kin

[Author]

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