[kin]

Dear Totovar

Welcome to GT, I am sure you will get some very good support in here and I wish you all the best in your future and recovery.

Hope you wouldn’t mind if I share with you a few questions I ask myself.
How ready are you now, and how serious are you with your recovery, are you willing to do what it takes to get well?

The healing you get in recovery, the peace, calm, joy and happiness you find, the financial security and freedom you experience half way thru this will definitely be worth it, many will tell you.

But in early recovery, you may experience anxiety, stress, pain, suffering , hardship and you may be require to sacrifice doing the things you normally like to do.
Sadly, many do not want to pay this price.
Another challenge, how we all wish that we could erase all our memories associated with gambling, that is perhaps the hardest things to do. Many times, stress will trigger our gambling memories and we will automatically be inclined to old ways to self medicate, or find a quick fix to the financial problem.
Here we learn new ways to replace the old ways.
There is hope, people do recover, one day at a time, we seek progress and improvements, not perfection.
Hope you will find support not only from GT but also from GA, and hospital therapists or counsellor. It will increases your chance to get well.

Looking forward to your posts.

Journaling can be very therapeutic.

Kind regards

Kin

[kin]

Dear dairy
Why do people who was sober for a period fade in recovery?
That was address in the parable of the spiritual growth in Luke 8.
Am I not serious in my recovery. Am I proud resulting in lack of wisdom ?
Many times I felt that I have lost my recovery like this moment and search endlessly for it?
I heard a sermon by a American pastor that God searches too. God doesn’t lose thing like we do for HE knows where everything is and where everyone is but yet HE is searching for people who want to grow spiritually. HE is looking for fertile receptive soil where HE can plant the seeds of the word of God, soil in which His words can take root. Because God is not going to force His truth into our life. God doesn’t force feed us, HE want us to desire it just like a new born babe.
As new born babies, earnestly desires the words of God ~ 1 Peter 2:2
Healthy children are hungry children, if you are in good health, you will be hungry, a spiritual appetite is a healthy sign, you are hungry for the words of God.

We are the one to decide what kind of soil our hearts will be, we decide if we are going to move forward spiritually or we are going to go backward spiritually, it is really up to us. God wants us to grow but we must want to grow as well. You see there is God’s part and there is our part.
Philippians 2:12“….now much more in my absence – work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
It doesn’t say work for your own salvation; because you cannot work for it. It is a gift of God. It says work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,
work out translate to “carry it to the goal and complete.” ( that is our part)
Philippians 2:13….for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.~
There is human responsibility and divine sovereignty
work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, carry it to the goal and complete it. (our part), but it is God that is working in you. (God ‘s part)
So there is God’s part and our part but the only way we can make it is by the daily help of the Holy Spirit. Be filled with the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 5:18…And do not get drunk on wine, which results in ruined lives, but be filled with the Holy Spirit.
Apostle Paul was well acquainted with the Scriptures and certainly knew what fearing God meant and what it meant to tremble before God. He knew the Scriptures well enough to have read in the Old Testament that the fear of God equated to wisdom and that trembling represented humility or being humble.
( Positive) Fear = wisdom
( Positive)Trembling = humility
Someone who is proud doesn’t fear God and will lack godly wisdom and someone who doesn’t tremble at His Word doesn’t take the Bible seriously.
(Negative) No fear = proud and lack wisdom
(Negative) Doesn’t tremble = not serious in recovery
These are two grave mistakes that will ensure that God is going to resist them (James 4:6).
Why are some people so full of faith and belief in recovery, who are always leading and giving advice to other recovering people, backslide after some set back. Why did they lose it? Why did people have an excitement about recovery that just fade away?
Maybe they build their recovery on the wrong foundation. When the initial excitement in recovery passes and the trial or temptation comes, they bail. They have no root, they believe for a while, when the trial and temptation come, they fade.
There will be pain, hardship, suffering and sacrifice in recovery when that happen, they fail. They walk away because they don’t want to pay that price.
You need discipline, you need to deny yourself and accept the withdrawal that comes from not acting out but when these emotional low happen, unbelieve set in, they begin to doubt recovery and compromise their recovery..

[kin]

Dear Vera

I made a mistake but recovery and life have to continue. Since the heavy drinking on the 9th April 2016, my feelings has been mess up and it affected my judgement and decision otherwise I am good. Can only wait patiently for everything to balance again.

Working on recovery is good and worth it. Wishing you, P, Kathryn, Beatie, Lori, Maverick, Ken, Charles and everyone reading all the best in your recovery and future.

Blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary
I believe there is a Higher Power. Look where all these writing lead me now.
It exposes my mask in recovery. My stubbornness puts on a mask which says to the world, “It’s not me—it’s just this situation.
Is stubbornness the chief of all the defects hindering my recovery? I really don’t know.
I have a tendency to justify my situation and gamble
I have a tendency to argue against staying gambling free on seemingly logical ground.
This is how I put on my stubborn mask in recovery.
Stubbornness is the tendency to resist any change.
Why do I resist change (staying gamble free)?
I want instant solution and quickest way to fix my financial problem. I was anxious and impatient, I gamble to get instant gratification. I don’t need to wait.
It was hard to see a problem and sit on it. Be still and stay calm. It takes a clear mind and strength to do nothing now and manage the problem over time. I struggle with this thought.
What am I afraid of (staying gamble free)?
Recovery is very slow, especially repayment or saving plan. I am impatient of waiting.
“The personality with stubbornness is over-sensitive to the possibility of having sudden or unwanted change imposed upon itself, and sees the threat of it everywhere.
Anything new or different or involving change is perceived (subconsciously at least) as a direct threat—even if the change in question is positive and in the person’s best interests.”
I don’t know what negative experience I had when I was young, why do I become over sensitive and over react, why do I see change or staying gambling free as a threat to my situation.
I don’t understand why I have constant fear, feeling of insecurity and instability. Mood altering substance and behavior like alcohol and slot machine made things worst.
Why did I refuse to stay gamble free?
Feel that my money is not enough, I want more (contented money is enough, I don’t need some more – happy and grateful for what I have and not be unhappy about what I don’t have)
Cannot wait ( I need to give up my self-will, staying calm and patience, it will turn out alright )
Acting out in self destructive acts or greedy ways ( I need to give up desires or selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways – selflessness and sacrifice)
I cried I have no shoe until I saw a man on the street with no feet.
Why do I block out this new and unfamiliar gamble free life?
Fear, insecurity and instability ( I need to have confident, faith and believe that everything will be fine in the end without the gambling win )
Why did I think that I can still control alcohol and gambling?
False Pride ( but I was beaten by gambling – humility)
Why did I think that I can take alcohol and gamble like a normal person?
Arrogant ( but I lost money, love ones ,time and my career due to gambling and alcohol use)
The chief feature of stubbornness will often insist nothing is wrong in the first place, no matter what the evidence are.

When I am not ignorant of my problem, I fail because I was selfish, arrogant and stubborn. I have no acceptance, not open to change and trying something new.

[kin]

Dear diary
Alcohol ruined my life.
I used it so heavily, I can get very intoxicated, I suffer from memory lapse or blackout, I got myself so numb I cannot feel well for a long time.
It has got me into all kind of trouble I don’t normally do in real life. I have ended in the hospital, and behind bar.
My judgement become impaired and my self-control become very impulsive, I have aged now, I am very fearful I will break the law under the influence of alcohol.
I am speaking about my personal experience. I made my life so difficult for myself because I abuse alcohol. I took alcohol to numb myself on the 9th April 2016 and struggle to correct my feeling after that. It is stupid if you know how hard I tried to correct my feeling, first I tried hard to numb myself completely, then I tried hard to correct my feeling to be sensitive.
After 3 weeks or so, when I can feel myself better, I experience a different problem
I start to follow my feeling and I have a different struggle.
I focus so much on me and myself, until I start to act according to my feelings again
My way was not a good way.
I took poison and cannot feel myself, and I start to devote time to get well and feel myself.
Now I struggle as a result of this.
My focus is on feeling me and not God.
I struggle very hard to listen to me and not God.
When I can feel and listen to me, I follow me and my thoughts and not God.
Alcohol really complicate my life. It was very deceiving and a big trap, I never think that I cannot control my alcohol or gambling use.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am writing from my own personal experience, it has been more than a month now since I ended up heavily intoxicated. I tried but I cannot stop myself backsliding, I only slow it down now, I can feel it.
There are so many things that felt so different now. I felt that the money I had is not enough but it is not true.
I used to have a strong connection to God and rest in Him, I surrender to Him, believe that He will provide sufficient and I feel very secure.
I let go of the control, and seek His will. There was a time I was not struggling in doing this, it was a beautiful period in recovery for me, everything just fall nicely into place for me, it was the best time of my recovery.
Now I struggle trying to do the same thing, I am very tempted to take control of my life.
I just look at my notes and record for the past few months this year and I notice that I was not doing well compare to last year in the same period, but it is still possible, I can still catch up and rescue my year if I can be discipline for the remaining 7 months.
I felt like one lucky fella because if the barriers was not in place to check myself, I will definitely be spiraling downward very much faster uncontrollably.
I continue this journal, handover most of my money to someone, stay connected to recovery and attend church service, these have help me in many ways now.
I have wrote about my weakness for the last one month as suggest in Step One, I have tried to be honest in admitting my weakness, how I was powerless over my emotions, the heat, my health, people, places and things, how impulsive compulsive and obsessive I can be, the uncontrollability and unmanageability in my life brought about by my use of alcohol and gambling.
Admitting the above is not enough!
I am still holding on to the control, if I am still listening and following me, my ways will send myself back to a same old predictable place…the bottom.
Nothing change if I am in control.
I experience a new life in the same period last year when I hand over control to a Higher Power and follow his ways. God’s way is not man ‘s way. New ways replaces my old ways.
My old ways has return.
Help me God! Help me to surrender to you, God.

[kin]

Dear diary

I was showering when I had this self reflection, If I want to relive my gambling experience and winning feeling? Why didn’t I punt the minimum bet of SGD$5?

It wouldn’t have cause me any damage and at the same time, allow me to experience the whole gambling experience and sometime the winning feelings.
I have always consider minimum bet a waste of time and energy, and not worth the effort. I will never do this.

Suddenly I realize I didnt understand myself very well but the truth is revealing itself.

I love the high, thrill and excitement that come from high risk activity and I am attracted to these feelings…a low and minimum bet cannot give me this feeling.

The fear of losing, the big relief feeling of escaping death and the agony of a loss. The satisfaction that comes from the right call and the maximum win, the thrill and excitement from the emotional roller coaster ride in a gamble.

The fear of losing – minimum bet wouldn’t give me this fear, the anxiety and excitement nearing the end of the match.

Only high risk can give me that feeling.

It is strange that I can lose all my awareness and mindfulness suddenly and sell my soul.

I am willing to trade in my peace and calm, my gratitude and contentment, my happiness and joy, me and my love one ‘s security and safety when I am impulsive.

It took so many years, so much hardship and suffering, so much effort one day at a time to recover and get well.

One moment of insanity and impulsiveness, I am willing to throw everything away. It is really insane.

I will do that. I cannot be in control. I must let go of the steering wheel and hand it over to the Higher Power.

The most difficult thing for me was to forget the memory associated with my gambling behaviors, I cannot erase that part of memory and when I have stress, anxiety …I automatically consider old familiar ways for relief, I turn to gambling.

I have to work very hard to use new ways to replace old ways whenever they show up.

[kin]

Dear diary

If I had listen to myself and gone ahead with the bet.
I would have lost everything 2 times so far.

Those sudden impulse to punt is really very harmful to me.
It is neither a well studied plan or a business decision, it is just an impulsive one, a blind one, a wild guess, punting for the sake of punting to relive or feel the gambling experience.

It was so difficult to save myself from me. It is only a matter of time I fail if I am the one making the final call. I have a thresh hold or limit to resist, one day I will fail.

One day when I start to feed the impulsive thought, it will eventually empower me.

Another very clear and convincing evidence that only a Higher Power can save me from me.

[kin]

Dear dairy
There is no other place for me to do this except here.
This platform allow me to be honest and write about my own struggles in recovery and read about others
Tonight I am writing with a heavy heart, I feel that one really have to be there to understand and appreciate what everyone is going thru
I have just read what 2 friends have wrote in their thread and find many similarities and struggles.
Vera and P is doing well now, while Maverick and Kathryn is experiencing some very difficult times.
Better life did not come easy to anyone of us and maintaining it takes a lot of effort and care.
The honesty in every one of you when you write, the struggle you all face, make me feel that I am not alone in this journey.
First we have to deal with the following:
1. Compulsion: an irresistible urge to gamble
2. Obsession: repetitive gambling thoughts that will cause anxiety and stress if we do not gamble.
3. Impulse control disorder: the failure to resist an impulsive behavior , one that is not premeditated / not consider in advance, one over which the individual has little or no control, that may be harmful to self and others.
After all the hard work, pain and struggle to manage the above feelings and stay gamble free, one still have to manage the below;
Many have learn it the painful way, when one stay gamble free, it doesn’t mean that relationship with others will not fail, our body will not fall sick, love ones will not leave us, unemployment will not hit us, poverty and getting into debts will not happen to us.
Hardship and pain can still happen to anyone doing well in recovery. If we are not aware and mindful, prepared or ready and does not have the acceptance, it can wipeout all our effort in recovery completely, it is a very dangerous thing.
Anything can happen in life, especially to people like us. It has never been smooth in the past.
Anything better than the past is already an progress and improvement in life and will be very much appreciated, no need to be perfect. Some improvement in life is still better than none. It is good enough reason to be grateful, contented, happy and have joy.
I remember God tonight when I withdrew SGD500 at the atm machine in the supermarket at 9.30pm, it was next to the betting counter, I was considering whether to bet on a football match at 1 am in Sweden. I suddenly remember and reminded myself to give up listening to my desire and give up my self-will and to follow Him. I ended up walking away from the betting counter.
The struggle that I have been experiencing lately are unnecessary because it was all about ME, I, MYSELF and resisting feeding my own selfish, self-centered and self-seeking desires.
If I had follow my Higher Power, it will be a clear decision, it will be a straight no and there is no struggle.
I only struggle and develop anxiety and stress when I am the one making the final call and I am switching my thoughts between no I shouldn’t gamble and ”if and why not gamble“ if I go ahead to gamble, how much to gamble, what to gamble.
The winning amount is not important, it cannot solve my life problem. I just want to experience the gambling action and winning feeling.
I forgotten that I cannot serve two master at the same time, it is either GOD or me.

[kin]

Dear MP34Life,

These people used the right words to describe what happen to me.

The worst thing that ever happen to me at the slot machine was winning some money, I ended up spending more money trying to replicate the feeling. ~ Slot-machine Addict.
Once you interact with these slot machines, the dynamic changes, and what you get out of these machine is not necessary the excitement and thrill of winning but the pleasure of being in this rhythmic zone. ~ Assistant Professor Natasha Schull
It was like a trance that came over me ~ Slot-machine Addict
When you are sitting in front of that machine, you are intoxicated. You have not taken a pill , you have not taken a drink, you have not put something into your vein, but that doesn’t mean your brain chemistry haven’t change. ~ Dr Robert Breen, Director, Gambling Treatment Progam, Rhode Island Hospital
In 2001, Doctor Hans Breiter and colleagues at Massachusetts General hospital conducted an experiment comparing the brain of a cocaine addict receiving a dose of cocaine and a healthy control subject playing the game of chance.
You look at the brain images after the activation of the primary reward system in the center of the human brain when they are a cocaine addict expecting a cocaine infusion vs a normal control subject expecting a monetary win, we saw the same thing, they are nearly identical, I could not distinguish who have receive cocaine and who have won a gambling task. ~ Doctor Hans Breiter, Director, Motivational and Emotional Neuroscience Center, Massachuset ts General hospital
The US national gambling impact study commission called these electronic gambling machines the crack cocaine of creating new addicted gamblers. ~ John Kindt , Professor, Business and Legal Policy, University of Illinios
The Gambling industry members talk about how to keep the people playing the machine longer, faster and more intensively and the way they speak about their aim is an aim of player extinction. Keeping the player there until their budget is thoroughly exhausted , until they have zero the player out.

[kin]

Dear diary

Who would have believe that I have no control over the obsessive thoughts which is repetitive and can causes intense anxiety in me.

What a big difference 9th May and 10th May 2016 was to me.

Everything else was the same except that I was well rested today despite having more time, it was my off day but I felt totally different from yesterday, there was no struggle today.

All that anxiety and intense gambling thoughts from yesterday has disappear today.

[kin]

Dear diary,
For a salaried person, the vicious cycle of addition seem to co-incide with payday, it has the perfection condition for an addiction to grow in strength.
I remember ATM – Access to gambling places, Time to go to these gambling places and Money to conduct the gambling are the outside factors. H.A.L.T – Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired are the inside factors.
Been there done that, staying clean for 29 days, only to put the toxic back into the body on the 30th day when payday arrive, then the whole cycle repeat itself for a long time. This is what addiction can do to a suffering gambling addict.
I just woke up and knew I had an escape today.
The condition was ideal and perfect for the devil of addiction to strike me today. I just finish a 12 hours shift at 8am, I was tired. Payday just passed. Today was a Sunday. There are football matches every hours. I am a sports fan, when I need a break, turning to sports is a good relief and distraction. Places to bet on these matches is everywhere, near work and home, they are everywhere .
The first thought came after work at 9 am, as I stay up and get more tired mentally, the gambling thought grew in strength and the thought keep repeating itself all the way until 5pm, it causes me great anxieties and stress today. It only stop after I slept at 5 pm.
“Obsessions are repeated thoughts, urges, or mental images that cause anxiety.”
I have some awareness of what is happening today but how did I escape? I actually ask myself why did I want to gamble?
I didn’t expect to have such strong and intense gambling thought and urge today.
I was just felt glad today that immediately soon after payday a few days back, I gave my sis 75% of my pay for this month. I didn’t leave a lot of excess cash on me.
Am I chasing the gambling loses from the past ? my excess cash is small, any potential winning from this small capital will not help, I feel that it is not about chasing lose but about other things.
Do I wish to have the extra money from the gambling win be it small or big? I ask myself, am I gambling due to my greed for more money or am I desiring to replicate the winning feeling from a winning bet.
I remember that I was telling myself that I don’t need to gamble for more money in the morning, I have enough money to last me for the rest of the month comfortably.
If I enjoy that winning feeling and like to experience it again, I acknowledge this desire, but I really do not have to do it, the risk is too high and not worth it.
I can either live with my anxiety today or be stress for the next 30 days
I was feeling very anxious to place the bet when I didn’t today but if I lost my living expenses, I will create stress for myself for the next 30 days, it is not worth it at all, it is all self-inflicted.
The last thing I do for the day at 4pm, was telling myself to follow the recovery slogan that is “to do the next right thing” which was to take a proper lunch. One thing lead to the next, after lunch, I return home to sleep at 5pm.
The anxiety and stress level was high today.
Guess this is the price I have to pay for my slip one month back, alcohol can do crazy thing to my mind and open the door to all my addictive ways, now I have to go back to step one and work on my foundation and strength to close this door again before it is push wide open for everything bad to come back into my life.
I am not a doctor, scientist or a behavioral expert, I am only a recovering addict and I only know that when I woke up after the sleep, the anxiety and stress disappear, there was no trace of it when I woke up, the strength to say no to gambling return but I was really weak earlier today.
Maybe I could have make it easier for myself and return home to sleep immediately after work but I did not have that discipline.

I need to admit my weakness and be honest about my problem.
I cannot get heal for something that is not there

[kin]

Bill Wilson – Co founder of AA define a slip or relapse as a return to drinking after a period of sobriety. A return to drinking is a return to complete insanity. That was the sanity mention in step two.
“We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can return us to sanity”
The insanity of an alcoholic is when he is physically sober, he pick up the first drink of the next series of drinks and that is a totally irrational and insane behavior to go back to consuming a drug that is killing him.
Insanity
With one swallow, the alcoholic no matter how many years sober is catapult back into the hell which he came from in the first place; that is an instance return to a life of living a lie
Resentment and self-pity
Resentment and self-pity are luxuries that the alcoholic can ill afford,
Resentment and self-pity unless face and handle, or at least an attempt to handle them is made, have often resulted in a return to drinking.

~ Father Joseph Martin~

Dear diary

The same apply to my gambling.

[kin]

Dear diary
The depth and seriousness with which I will work the next 11 steps depend directly on the depth and seriousness with which I accept Step 1
I cannot handle the slot machine, when I use the slot machine, I lose, when I fight the slot machine, it win. If I cannot stop using the slot machine, the slot machine will stop me. When I admit that I am completely helpless, that all my own gambling effort has fail, then I cease to be helpless.
Now there is hope because at the back of my head, if I still believe i can handle slot machine, I will try the slot machine again.

[kin]

Impulse Control Disorders are a group of impulsive behaviours that has been accepted as psychiatric disorders.
An impulse Control Disorder can be loosely defined as the failure to resist an impulsive act or behaviour that may be harmful to self and others.
An impulsive behaviour or act is considered to be one that is not premeditated or not considered in advance and one over which the individual has little or no control.
The impulsive behaviours or actions refer to violent behaviours, sexual behaviour, gambling behaviour, stealing, fire starting and self-abusive behaviours.
There are six category under this general diagnosis, Trichotillomania, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Pathological Gambling, Kleptomania, Pyromania and not otherwise specified.

[Author]

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