[kin]

All you can do is do the best with the hand you’re dealt. What you can do is make the most of what you still have. What you still have to offer to this world. I’m certain you can make a positive impact on not only yourself but those around you. ~theone12221

There is a glimmer more hope… A little more peace. Something is changing the slightest bit… i notice it…I do have the opportunity now …to repair. To rebuild. To be the person i want to be. I don’t know who that is ….i will find out. Small progress but progress. ~Courage

My recovery in the past; everything was not ok and I was not ok. My recovery in the present; everything was still not ok, but I am ok.

I tried but I could not attain perfection or stay total abstinence for almost 11 years . That didn’t stop me, I keep trying. My progress was slow but there is progress.

The progress and change I saw in my life gave me hope.

blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear dairy

What was my strong urge like in the past? How strong can it be like?
How do I know that I am getting better now? How do I know I am heading in the right direction in recovery?

It was so strong in the past: –
I will have gambling thoughts before and after payday.
When I was very desperate I would borrow to get the money to gamble.
I can become anxious, tense and stress, sometime short temper and angry when I cannot gamble
I can be so desperate that I will use money that do not belong to me to gamble; I will lie, I will cheat and steal to get money to gamble.
I will be very worried and stress all the times because I do not have enough money to repay or service my many loans with the banks, legal money lenders and illegal money lenders. It was so bad in the past, I actually had to continue to gamble to try to improve things.
That big win never come. My life turn from bad to worst.

What happen?
It was the same everyday, I tried, I only try to stop gambling for today.
When I stop gambling, I start to repay and service my loan one by one.

Where am I now?
I still have thoughts to gamble sometimes but It doesn’t happen all the times anymore.
I was able to give my money to my family to provide for their needs now, I actually gave them the same money I use to gamble every month in the past.
I gave up borrowing to get more money to gamble and I don’t need to lie to gamble
I do not have to cheat and steal money to gamble
I have the freedom to use my money in any way I want now; and I don’t need to gamble to improve my life.

If I go back to a life of heavy gambling, my old destructive lifestyle in the past will take over;
I will worry and feel stress all the times where is my next meal, money to pay for transport and bills going to come from. I will want to gamble more.

In the past, I was very worried and stress because I do not have the money to repay or service my many loans, the banks, legal money lenders and illegal money lenders will send their lawyers and debt collectors to pressurize and threaten me to pay up. There was no peace, I was living in constant fear daily. My family don’t feel safe living in their own home because of me.

My worst day not gambling now is more stable and happier than my best day in gambling.

[kin]

Impulsive: a sudden strong urge or desire to act without thinking through.

Impulse control disorder: the failure to resist an impulsive behavior .

One that is not premeditated / not consider in advance

One over which the individual has little or no control, that may be harmful to self and others.

I am growing older and weaker. I found out from this slip on 9 April 2016 that my self control is growing weaker as I aged. The alcohol help magnified this problem and it was a very scary reality to my discovery.

If I ever take alcohol again, I will risk doing things that I regret, I cannot control myself anymore and cannot eliminate the chance that I may break the law.

I am very impulsive after I drink now.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am so grateful to read a poem on defensiveness from Mack Tomlinson. It does wonder and help me put my thought and feeling into words.

Till this day, I may suddenly go into a defensive mode, it is like breathing and I do not know why but if I get challenged, corrected, or rebuked; if I feel threaten when my pride get hurt, it is ugly, immaturity in action.

Denial is the refusal to accept reality, it is considered one of the most primitive of the defence mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development.

When someone exposes that I could be wrong about something, and touches a nerve in my soul, the feeling can be so real that I felt that the other person have bad intention and is trying to hurt me.

I will use denial to avoid dealing with these painful feelings or areas in my life.

for example
I can be a functioning football punter, I will often deny that I have a gambling problem to myself and others, pointing to how other areas in my life is function well

It is not affecting my job and relationships at home, I am not in debt because of this. I am not spending too much time and money on it.

My defensiveness in recovery is an indication of my pride and immaturity.

When I am defensive, I am far from being like the Lord Jesus right then.
Jesus was never defensive one time in his life, not even once. And He is calling me to put it off, die to self-daily, and become defenceless, with all my defence being in Him alone.

May God save me from this wicked and ongoing evil.

To be continue…I will write about how I lost big sum of money thru football punting many times in the past

[kin]

Dear diary
I feel that I am in the grey area now, I don’t like it one bit but I try to look at it positively because it may be an opportunity for me to work on my blind spot in recovery and grow or it may be a sign of danger because I can back slide into darkness.
My only contact with recovering people and meetings now is online. Gambling Therapy is my lifeline.
It’s been almost 2 months now, I have stop attending meetings at One Hope Center, Blessed Grace Church and We Care Community Services and the hospital.
I never like any changes in my life and I immediately met my first setback on 9 April 2016 when I sought relieve from Alcohol. It was bad that this has happen but it may be good because It forces me to return to day one in recovery.
I was experiencing the teaching below when I suddenly see myself struggling with alcohol, slot machine, sports betting and pornography.
Mathew 12:43-45
An Unclean Spirit Returns
43When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it passes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ On its arrival, it finds the house vacant, swept clean and put in order. 45Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they go in and dwell there; and the final plight of that man is worse than the first.
My turning point in recovery happen recently about 3 years ago, when I learn the teaching below and started practicing it. I was actually rewiring my brain thru repetitive behaviours by consciously denying my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways thru alcohol, slot machine and sports betting. It was difficult in the beginning but things become easier later. My life really see changes.
Mathew 16:24
Take Up Your Cross
23But Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me. For you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.” 24Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. 25For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
My blind spots
I have more rest now and coping better at work because I am not spending so much time traveling and attending support group meetings on so many days in a week.
I have more free time to myself, but when I isolate myself in my room for too long, I was prone and have the tendency to make the biggest mistake in recovery in the name of entertainment and killing time. Charles from GT will say that I shouldn’t be teasing my brain, I did that by watching youtube clip on slot machines and pornography online, they are both alike, when I start watching it, I will want more, I ended up spending more time than I should watching them, there are times I cannot stop, there are times I wish I was doing the real thing. I love sports, I was also looking at the gambling odds offered by sports betting online, I will guess and predict the results, there are times I was so confident, more like false confident because many times, the result was wrong in the end but my thoughts sounded so real so deceiving and so convincing, that it feel like a sure win and there was no way I could lose this, I must do it that I was tempted to go ahead to place the bet.
I am living in the grey area now, it is no good but I am positive about it, my blind spots stood out visibly and strong like a nail, and increase my awareness and mindfulness for I cannot heal something that is not there.
Of cause I wish to be back in an environment where it is easier and effortless for me to do the right things but then I wouldn’t be able to see my problem.
The focus this year seem to be a little different from the last 3. I am no more in my comfort zone. I have to be more responsible for my own recovery, my circumstances now forces me to be less reliance on other recovering people, meetings and things.
When I am ready, I will move to Step Two.
I am not alone, my Higher Power is with me otherwise I would have a full blown relapse and hit rock bottom.

[kin]

Hi lee

You are very brave and courageous to share the real truth about your recovery, the truth many times doesn’t look or sound good but it is progress and your continue effort plus honest action give strength and encouragement to others struggling in recovery and inspire many reading your journal.

I respect you for trying real hard to be a better man. It take a lot of strength and determination to not choose the easy way out and go back to your old ways. We soon realize that there is a price we need to pay and sacrifice we need to make to be a better person.

Your moment of weakness and struggle show that we are all human, and not perfect. Your sincerity and effort in seeking progress and improvement in the quality of your life and your family is worthy of praise.

If you have been there, you will understand what they mean, there is this saying…Religion is for people who fear Hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there.

Our solution is a spiritual one.

It takes time, maybe a lifetime to understand ourselves better, for we cannot heal something that is not there and when we understand ourselves better, it does help us to improve our acceptance of ourselves and be more realistic in our expectation of ourselves, we seek progress and improvement in our life and the lives of our love and family.

Continue your good work. My heart is with you.

Many blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear dairy
How I make a big escape on 19th May 2016
My Thought
I wanted to borrow 2000 dollars and bet most of it on a football match. I was very confident and I don’t think I will lose. I trust myself and listen to me.

I was basically dealing with 2 main thoughts and feelings
Firstly, I thought this was an opportunity to win some money, I wanted to win some money, I feel that my chance of winning is very high, I can afford to take this risk. If I lose I just need to tighten my belt and control my spending.
Secondly I also thought that this may be an opportunity to win some money, but without this winning, I feel that I can still continue to live a normal life, I can sacrifice or give up this winning.
I can afford not winning any money because it is not going to affect my lifestyle.
I cannot afford losing any money because I would lose my financial freedom as a result. I will not be able to buy anything, do anything, go anywhere anytime, I will struggle every day.
Action
I choose to sacrifice and give up what I like or wanted to do.

It was a big escape for me, the favorite really lost 0-2 at home. If I had carried out this gamble, I will lose the money big time and it will affect me in 2 big area for many weeks to come
Firstly It will affect my daily living and I will lose my freedom for 2 month. Secondly I will lose my ability to provide for my family.
There is hope in recovery, things will improve.
When my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways and desire dies, I start living. This was what happen to me in the past 2 years.
It is worth it. Results can be encouraging. One day at a time…practice and more practice!

[kin]

Dear diary

I have been having flash back of that fateful night on 9th April 2016 recently.
I cannot remember everything, I just knew I did something very sinful and immoral and it feel awful.
If It doesn’t stop and I continue to have these flash back, am sure it will drive me crazy.

Alcohol open the door for the rest.

I talk about breaking the chain and freedom from the bondage of addiction not so long ago and what a wonderful feeling it was.

Unfortunately I feel like I am trap again and imprison by them now and I need to break free from them again.

I let the alcohol in and it brings with it all the other evil ones.

Well at least I can recognize every one of them now

one is Pornography, one is alcohol, one is slot machine, one is sport betting

add all the first letter, I have PASS!

[kin]

Dear diary

I can be honest about it when I face my God, my family, or anyone.
I want to stop my self destructive ways and lifestyle for good but I could not achieve perfection.
Today I am grateful that it is taking me longer to slip and relapse. And when that happen, I will still feel very sorry, I will still regret and beat myself up, I am after all human but I have learn that I cannot stay down for too long. I tell myself, stop it immediately and don’t do it again. Now get up! I need to continue my recovery. Some unforgiving people call me hopeless, stubborn and stupid, some forgiving one call this resilience but to me, it is all about survival.
It is a big improvement and I am grateful. Thank you God.

Life is improving, relationship with people is improving. life is good. It can only get better.

I wish to age gracefully in recovery.

[kin]

Dear diary
I really appreciate the financial freedom after I have lost it. I do not have the wisdom and gratitude to be grateful when I have it, I took everything for granted. I never thought I can lose my freedom, I thought I only lose calculated money and time.
Freedom to do anything; free from the stress of repayment and servicing endless loans, free to buy gifts of love, free to go for movie and good meal and travel to anywhere anytime. It was really a luxury. It has to be earned by a compulsive gambler like myself.
I got it, and I lose it by gambling.
All the worries, anxieties and stress due to financial reasons in most part of my life was self –inflicted, it comes with the gambling
I was blind to this fact, I could not see the light. I didn’t want to admit it was due to my gambling. I blame it on everything else except gambling. It was important for me to see that because when I gave up my gambling, the freedom will slowly return and I will experience financial freedom, peace, calm, and joy again.
I don’t have to do more than one job to repay my debt, I will have more time. There will be saving and I will have the freedom to buy or do anything that money can buy.
A Choice to return to gambling and a life of ruins
I have read that the hardest thing for people like me was to forget the feelings and things associated with gambling. I cannot erase my memory. Me and my thoughts can be very predictable.
When I feel bored, lonely, stress, disappointed and frustrated, anygry, mentally tired and in pain. My mind automatically asked me to gamble, they are together.
I check myself now. If I have some money and the time and If I lose it all, if I do not go into financial hardship or hit rock bottom as a result. I will start to have the illusion or false belief that I can afford this great risk from gambling. I was blind. I cannot see the real danger. I have a false feeling that it will not happen to me again after so many times.
Before hitting rock bottom, I will first walk into my prison and lose my freedom. Freedom that money and time can give me.
My mind will be preoccupied with gambling. Every day I am always thinking and planning what to gamble, how much to gamble, should I gamble. I will feel very anxious if I do not gamble and I will feel very stress if I resist and fight my gambling thoughts. My mind become like a spoilt tape recorder that keep repeating these thoughts. All my time and energy was lost and It make me feeling tired.
When I have no more money, any bills big or small give me anxiety and make me feel emotional low. I become anxious about my next pay day, pay day suddenly become the most important day in the week and month. I have become a slave. I am no more enjoying other important things in life.
My life priorities change. Gambling, and love for money have squeeze out love for God, my family and myself.
When I return to a life of self-destruction, I become selfish, self-centered and self-seeking, I love myself more. I sacrifice others. I do not sacrifice myself .
I do not know how to love. I do not know the correct way to love others and to love“me”.

[kin]

Dear dairy

Something is happening to me now. Today I saw one of the many signs again. After another long night at work, I was tired mentally and physically.

Signs is showing I am weaker nowadays and it is affecting me very badly. I wish to hide this but I don’t want to do that in my journal.

When I was tired mentally and physically today, I actually wanted to revoke my non casino exclusion ban. I wanted my self medication options open, I was desperate enough to consider this stupid measures, it is crazy and totally insane.
The thought was strong before the sleep but it disappear completely after my sleep. Look like I am more unstable nowadays.

[kin]

“Sometimes we have to wait, and as frustrating as it is, there may be a lesson for you at the end of it. I always say that things happen for a reason, at the time i always wonder what on earth that reason could be…looking back i can always see it is clearly as a full moon.” ~Kathryn~

Dear Kathryn

I was reading your post from a few years back and it is still helpful for me now. You know what to do.

Best wishes

Kin

[kin]

The story was about a mountain climber, who wanted to climb the highest mountain. He began his adventure after many years of preparation, but since he wanted the glory just for himself, he decided to climb the mountain alone. The night felt heavy in the heights of the mountains, and the man could not see anything. All was black. Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.
As he was climbing, only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, he slipped and fell into the air, falling at a great speed. The climber could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity. He kept falling… and in those moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about how close death was getting, when all of a sudden he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard.
His body was hanging in the air. Only the rope was holding him, and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice but it scream, “HELP ME GOD!!”
All of a sudden, a deep voice coming from the sky answered, “What do you want Me to do?”
“Save me God!!”
“Do you really think I can save you?”
“Of course I believe You can.”
“Then cut the rope tied to your waist.”
There was a moment of silence and the man decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength.
The rescue team found the climber dead and frozen on the next day…his body hanging from a rope – His hands holding tight to the rope only 10 feet away from the ground.

Let go of the gambling!

[kin]

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[kin]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[Author]

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