[kin]

I do not set aside the Grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing! ~ Galatians 2:20

Dear diary
The recent experience tells me that my life has change for the worst, I was puzzle, why didn’t I felt the same freedom and peace to do the same thing I was able to do last year which I desire now.
What has happen? I thought I was doing the right thing; stay total abstinence; providing for the family, I thought I was doing the same thing yet I felt different and insecure plus feeling that what little or more I had was not enough.
I must have done something differently and things change.
Frankly I stop reflecting regularly on what God have done for me and provide me is sufficient. I didn’t reflect and focus on God’s promise. I had the money, happiness and peace now. I started to focus on me and my wants. I started to make plan for myself and I want more, I took control of my life back, I stop consciously handing over my will and life completely to God during this time.
It is frustrating, whenever I take control of my life, I always lose control of it and start to have self inflicted troubles.
It was really a soul searching period lately.
It suddenly daunt on me that my recovery was not all about what others or myself felt was the right thing. It was more than that. It has to be given. I need God’s grace.
Nothing was new.
All the things that has happen to me in the last 11 months, all the answer to everything that has happen was written in the letter a few thousand years ago by Apostle Paul in the book of Galatians. How I got my freedom and lose my freedom back.
It even talk about people who tried to force their law and righteousness on me. I didn’t get well because of their law and righteousness and they want to force me to do the same when I was well. I left the Christian recovery support groups in the end.
Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Galatians 5:2
Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all.
Galatians 5:2
You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 3: 3
Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the spirit, are you trying to finish by means of the flesh?

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.
This is a sure way to lose my freedom.

For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

[kin]

Dear all

I have read many posts recently and was inspired to start this new thread.
I hope this can be an invitation and a common thread for all who have gamble recently to come in to offer support and receive support.
More importantly, I hope it can be an intervention for someone who have a slip from developing into a relapse.

The extent of the damage caused by gambling will usually be determined by the SPEED by which one can STOP gambling again.

You are not alone!

Slips are when people gamble after a period of sobriety but stop again almost right away.
A slip can be the turning point in recovery because it indicates that we have been doing something wrong. We can learn from the incident and it may mean that our recovery will be stronger than ever before.
A relapse is far more serious than a slip because it means that the individual has returned to their gambling addiction.
It often starts off as a slip, but then progresses from there.
This relapse may last for days or it could be longer than this.

It may mean that the current attempt to escape gambling addiction has been abandoned completely.

A slip is a setback, but it doesn’t have to progress into a full-blown relapse.
It is understandable that people will feel guilty and a bit ashamed of their slip, but feeling this way can also be highly dangerous.
They may feel helpless, hopeless and convince themselves that all is lost and that their only option is to resume their gambling like before.
They may believe that since they have already gamble, there is no reason not to gamble some more.
They may promise themselves that they will stop tomorrow, but they will use the same justifications tomorrow. It is vital that they stop any further gambling right away.
This type of thinking is not only highly destructive, but it is also completely wrong.
It is vital that those who relapse understand that they can still build a successful life in recovery. The sooner they can stop again the better it will be for them.
The important thing is to look to the future. The time already spent in recovery will not be wasted so long as the individual can once again put a STOP to the gambling.
Perhaps THE REMINDER OF HOW BAD THINGS CAN BE IN GAMBLING addiction will mean that they are more motivated to stay sober in the future.

blessings

Kin

[kin]

Thought
It was a beginning.

Feeling
It is really very simple (not easy)

Action
Regardless of how uncomfortable and unbearable is the craving & urge and how unhappy the trigger make me feel, don’t place the first bet.

In the past, just because it was not easy to succeed, I thought it was difficult but it was actually very simple…just that no one say it is easy.

[kin]

Dear Maverick

Thank you for the reminder. What you have share was so true…

When a person choose not to gamble, the person get the chance to experience a happiness not found in gambling.

But a sick mind thinks differently, the problem gambler complaint a lot, he or she want the happiness not found in gambling yet he or she didn’t want to stop the gambling.

Many blessings

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary
My biggest regret was not stopping the leak earlier.
I thought I was just spending my excess money and it was harmless.
Isn’t this what every normal person do?
One win or loss only today, one drink only today. $100 soon become $500, $1000, $5000. I could have save $10,000 or provided my family another $10,000.
This was how a small leak lead to a big damage..
This is the lesson I learn after I got better; I don’t think I can ever use my freedom like any normal person in early recovery; I appreciate the thorn in the flesh better now.
1. limiting my access to excess money.
2. not stepping inside the ring regardless how unbearable is the urge and how unhappy it made me.
3.accepting that temptations is everywhere, having desires, cravings and urges is normal.
Denying my urge and craving one at a time, it will progressively weaken over time.
4. There will be triggers that is going to make maintenance in recovery tougher, repeat 2 and 3.
Big trigger can come in many form, stress from illness, work, mum, bills, the hot weather and even recovery places and groups.

[kin]

Dear dairy
I wonder why I didn’t turn back earlier.
I realized that if I had a reserve, any losses will not affect me so badly to see a need to want to change. I could not feel the great inconvenience caused by the gambling loss.
Plus my stubborn determination and winning mentality is very uncomfortable and dislike the feeling of losing and would like to try to win back some loses.

It is a blessing and important for me to have barriers in recovery.
When I do not have any excess money;
It is easy to wipe out everything I had.
When that happens, I would not have money left over for my living expenses, paying my bills, providing for my family etc.
I will experience great inconveniences. The thorn in my flesh will be a constant reminder to me for many days not to gamble.
This is so important, firstly the reserve or saving is protected from uncontrollable gambling loss, secondly, I hit rock bottom and feel the pain earlier plus learn my lesson sooner before it is too late.

Never thought a thorn in the flesh can be a savior

[kin]

Dear diary

One cannot imagine the extent of the devastation and damage cause by gambling, it affect a person far beyond finance.

The lying and broken promises, it hurt and affect a person credibility and trust, it damage relationship with family, friends and lover.

Suddenly not being able to provide for the family, not having enough for living expenses and paying bills, worst still getting into unmanageable debts leaves me in deep regret and despair.

When I was pre occupied with gambling, I lost interest in almost everything else. Gambling take up so much time, it affect my time at home and work.

It definitely affects my mental health, I lost the peace and calm in my life in exchange for uncertainties, unpredictability, anxieties, disturbance and stress in gambling.

I am a less happy person.

I feel that the price to pay for any single relapse is so costly.

The misfortune far out weight all the other winnings add up together.

I felt that the pain and suffering brought about by gambling far out weight the benefits of gambling.

It is not worth it and not attractive anymore.

The best way to avoid getting punch is not defense or attack, hit and run but to never ever step inside the ring.

It was useless for me to think of new strategy, ways and system to win at gamble. No one can escape getting hit inside the ring even if you win the match. I cannot take the beatings.

When I was hit, I was shock and confuse but when things clear up, it was very clear that it was I who made the choice to step inside the ring.

If I do not want more problem in future, I should not step inside the ring or gamble.

[kin]

Hi Kcc

Thank you for your honesty. I had relapse yesterday.

I have made some very bad choices and decision recently and doing my day one in recovery again.

[kin]

Dear diary

A gambling recovering person like me who return to gambling.
My story is predictable. The ending is always the same. If it had not happen yet, the answer to this question is not now but when.

Many times it didn’t happen immediately for me, it took a while.

The earlier I realized my mistake and turn back, the smaller the damage but if I continue in this self destructive acts, no one know how much more serious, deeper and more debts I will incur.

[kin]

Dear diary,
After all that I have gone thru, I never thought I will be indebt again.
It looks like I am in a constant battle to reverse my natural instinctive thought.
Help me God!
I need to be quick in doing the right thing and slow to act out the wrong things.

Is this such a complicated maths?
I had SGD$3,300, and two big items to settle, an SGD$1800 and SGD$1500.
If I settled the big item first, I am left with nothing to survive for the month.
I need SGD$300 for my living expenses.

I thought about the right thing; settle full payment for one and partial payment for one but I was slow to act instead I was quick to choose the wrong choice; try the casino.
I forget this survival rule.
If I had a problem, I don’t create another bigger problem.
It is unbelievable, my problems are all self –inflicted.

I do not have access to surplus money now but 3 days before payday, I was feeling lousy and wanted to self medicate with gambling, I borrow SGD$1800. I thought if I lost all the money, I can repay it when I get my pay. I lost everything.
Payday arrive I didn’t use the money I had to do the right thing in making full payment for this debt and other commitments. To make matter worst, I threw everything away in gambling.

Now I am stuck with one new debt of SGD$1800 and a few broken promises.
I don’t need to gamble or take alcohol, life has return to normal for me and my small pay is enough to pay all the bills and settle my commitments but I abuse my freedom.

I make all the wrong choices, I allow gambling and alcohol to rob me of everything.

2016 is a big lesson for a recovering person like me, I receive my freedom and I learn how to lose it.

[kin]

Dear diary

It is a real sad story to read and write because like most experience recovering addict in early recovery. I have done this so many times. I should know the consequences, this is not suppose to happen.

I am too familiar with the danger of gambling. It may result in winning and losing in the beginning but it always end up with losing in the end. I am all too familiar with the consequences.

The desperation to borrow to gamble, the lying involve in borrowing.

The failure to return the money I had borrowed when I have the money on payday, instead I used my salary to gamble more, breaking all the promises I have made.

This is where I harm and strike fear in the heart of all the family members who help me. They trusted me and were hurt when they found out that they have been cheated. They have become my victim one more time, nobody can imagine the disappointment and helplessness that I put them in.

When they become suspicious that they have been cheated one more time and question me, I will become defensive and nasty, this will lead to more hurt to them.

It was amazing how accurate and true the poem below describe me.

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in. I am lost.I am hopeless,
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I see it is there.I still fall in.It‘s a habit
I know where I am. It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where am I ?
It revealed that I am in Chapter 3.
I knew the consequences of gambling, and its risk but I feel that I was much better than that. I feel that I knew this enemy so well, I will not be hurt by it, this will not happen to me.
Many times I was not burn in the beginning but I always get roasted in the end, the goodness never last.
The mistake and its consequences is very costly.
The last time this happen dated 7th June 2016, I won enough from a football match to repay SGD$1,800 I borrow and provide SGD$1,500 to my family, I had the means to repair the situation if I stop gambling. Instead of stopping immediately and return to do recovery, I choose to visit a casino in a neighbouring country.
I didn’t want to record it down in my journal initially because it made me look very bad, it obviously look like I am looking for an valid excuse to fail but I am going to write it down anyway for my future reference.
I had a quarrel with mum regarding my financial situation. She was suspicious and caught me unprepared with her interrogations.
Isn’t it a convenient and perfect reason for me to justify and rationalised that it was ok to take a break. I had planned to visit the casino in the head, This incident just added fuel to the fire, I left for the neighbouring country immediately.
I never thought it can happen to me but I lost everything.
When I was at the casino, I lost in the beginning and won everything back plus a little winning later but I didn’t stop and continue to gamble until I lost everything.
I am too familiar with this ending and had experience it many times, I knew where I am, it is my fault, I need to get out immediately.
I have met many new friends online with the same problem with staying stop from gambling, many times I want to encourage them but cannot find the right words, I find the answer in this poem in chapter 2, they fall in again. they cannot believe they are in the same place. (whether they believe it is or isn’t their fault.) It still takes a long time to get out.

I just hope they get out immediately.

I was not a successful recovering person, I am not a psychologist or counsellor, I am just another recovering person like anyone anywhere in the world with the same problem..
Regardless of how long one is in recovery or how many years they have been clean, once they have a full blown relapse, it is going to be an uphill battle like any new recovering person.
This year bad experiences has made me understand and appreciate what I did last year. I have failed many times this year trying to accumulate 180 straight clean days, I can failed for so many reasons and had to start from day one again.
I will keep trying until I make it. Last year struggle and positive experience gave me hope.
It was easy for any normal ordinary person to accumulate clean days, but for an addict, it gets trickier and challenging because of our weakness, it takes more effort and strength to do the same thing.

Reality and truth for me is humiliating shocking and shameful. I got knock down inside the boxing ring again. There is no one to blame, I made the choice and decision to walk inside the ring.

I am back to day One.

[kin]

Dear diary
Since Nov 2015, I have bad experience thinking I could manage my temptations.
When I was in a casino, I feel that I will be able to limit how much I spend on gambling and not continue using the money I reserve for saving.
When I was taking alcohol, I feel that I will be able to stop once I am high.
Both results are the same despite the confidence I had. X4 casino, x1 alcohol.
The temptation is just too great for me.

No point wasting time and energy to attempt control gambling and drinking, there is just too much disappointments, regrets and pain in any slip or relapse, they are all costly mistakes.
I need to get back up to focus on doing the right thing if that is the last thing I have to do.
I am speaking from my personal experience, it was my first time experiencing a life free from my addiction last year.
I regain the freedom to stop gamble and drink when I want but I made a grave mistake, I use this freedom to drink and gamble when I want. Now I have lost this freedom again. I could no longer say I can stop if I want.
I made progress and back slide badly in recovery. This is a different type of rock bottom.
It is a lesson learn in 2016.
Now I have to work hard again.

[kin]

Matthew 26:41
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Dear diary
Early days in recovery was always the trickiest. I could have fail on the very first day.
Yesterday I plan to go total abstinence today yet I still went ahead to place a bet for a game that start at 8 am.
I was at the door step but the betting house was not open for business at this time and that stop me.

The experience today shows that my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak.
I felt that recently my self-will was again chain to the bondage of addiction, I am like its slave, it is running my life. I want to but have not surrender and let go totally yet, my self- will is still in control.
I am weak and vulnerable to all kind of temptations. I need to change my direction and rebuild because when my self-will is in control, my life goes out of control.

[kin]

Dear diary,
After going total abstinence for more than 6 months last year, I finally have the chance to experience the best time of my recovery journey and what it feels like to be clean.
However, I am afraid that I have also taken just about the same time to return to the same problem but on a more profound level.

The Spirit intends to investigate and examine my recovery, layer by layer, throwing out the junk and preserving the values that were appropriate to each stage of our recovery.

I now realized that spiritual journey is not a success story or a career move.
It was a series of humiliations influencing me to change and put to death my will and my ways.
After I earn my freedom, I soon found out and learn that I can never use my freedom like a ordinary normal person.
All I did was feed my desires and urge like a normal person. I gamble a few times, I abuse alcohol once, fed my flesh a few times, overeat countless times since August last year.
I realized each time I feed my urge, it actually get stronger the next time, it doesn’t have to be gambling, it can be any desires or urge. Now the urge I get are very strong and I have become very impulsive. I am acting out even when my mind say no or I am already acting out before I could think. As a result, I am so ashamed and disgusted with my corrupted, immoral and irresponsible behaviors. I became a terrible person.
This behavior has to go if I do not want more problem in my life in future.
I don’t want to pretend that I do not know what to do. There is no other way for me. I need to go total abstinence before things get serious and I am out of control. Abstinence from what ?
For me it has to be gambling, pornography, alcohol, overeating, workaholics and others.
I don’t need to make a lifetime promise I cannot keep. My short term plan is 180 days beginning from tomorrow.
Change is difficult but it is my choice, I am prepared for the unbearable and suffering days ahead. I will not give up my clean days until I reach 180.
From last year experience, 180 days of clean days can do me great wonder. Help me God!

Question to consider
What false self are you struggling with that Christ wants you to die to so that you can truly live?

[kin]

Dear diary

I am going to borrow some things said by the other fellow recovering person in GT to encourage myself. They have spoken the words right out of my heart.

All you can do is “do the best with the hand you’re dealt.” What you can do is “make the most of what you still have.” What you still have to offer to this world. I’m certain you can “make a positive impact on not only yourself but those around you.” ~theone12221

There is a glimmer more hope… A little more peace. Something is changing the slightest bit… I notice it…I do have the opportunity now …”To repair.””To rebuild.” To be the person i want to be. I don’t know who that is ….I will find out. “Small progress but progress.” ~Courage

Where was I
Everything was not ok and I was not ok.
What happen
I keep trying
Where am I
Everything was not ok, but I am ok.

I tried but could not attain perfection or stay total abstinence for almost 11 years . That didn’t stop me, I keep trying. My progress was slow but there is progress.

Just for today only, by doing this one day at a time, I have chalk up many clean days, add them all up, it must have been years but I did fail on some day in between. I have learn and aware now that I am not a perfect pot, I was a broken pot and a grateful one.

I used to feel that I was a big failure when I slip or relapse and what has happen was not a part of growth in recovery, everyone was perfect and I am not, I would beat myself up very badly in disappointment, guilt, shame, regrets and self pity. When I lose hope and gave up completely, I actually continue borrowing more money and gamble for days, weeks and months in a straight until I could do no more.

Today when I slip or relapse, I just simply stop and not continue the self destructive act. No borrowing for more gambling. Regardless of how lousy I feel, I had to dig deep to find the last bit of remaining energy to stay positive and hopeful and continue this journey of recovery.

Of cause when I backslides, I loses not only money but also precious time, I would have to work doubly hard over a period of time to recover back to a state in recovery where I was last in. I only make it harder for myself, but I have make a mistake, and I have to accept the consequences.

Freedom from the bondage to addiction, breaking the chain of addiction and slavery to money for an addict like me is not free. It comes with a price and sacrifice unless that person is not an addict. I have to earn it.

I heard this in meetings, recovery is like climbing up a moving escalator, when I stop climbing, it will bring me down. I need to continue climbing….

The progress and change I saw in my life gave me hope and strengthen my faith and believe in this journey of recovery.

blessings

Kin

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