[kin]

Dear dairy
One more time, I have received what I gave away again.
I have to organize and email some step work material to someone, and I get to read my notes again, and it increases my awareness.
I was very appreciative of this benefit. This awareness can warn and tell me I am falling sick to my addiction, whether my addiction is manifesting itself.
Lately the signs are there:
What was it like?
My mind was obsessed with a gamble, the thought is replaying itself constantly in my head, I was so preoccupied and analyzing the gamble obsessively. This urge will normally go away only after I gamble.
If my brakes is not working and my awareness is low, I am likely to be very compulsive and go ahead.
This obsessive thought has happen in the last two days
What happen?
I did not want to be sick again, if I gamble a few times in a row, I know I will not be able to stop at will. I must not give in and listen to this thought.
In the end, I choose not to gamble. I watch a movie online instead, the movie manage to distract me, I did not finish the movie, I fell asleep soon after.
What was it like now?
It is not about whether I miss a winning or losing gamble after the result was out, the focus is on recovering from a sickness where I cannot stop gambling at will.
I need to practice, practice and more practice. The more I practice, the better I am at it in not acting out my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking thoughts.
Before I am half way there in recovery, I am sure I will find a new peace and freedom mention in the promises.

[kin]

Dear diary

Sometime God did not give me what I ask for. Sometime God did not take away all my troubles and temptation in life but He does give me enough grace and I experience peace and freedom so I have no reason to complain. I am grateful to God for everything.

Kin

[kin]

Dear diary
When I saw this person I have not met for more than 15 years at the coffee house, I didn’t choose the easy way, I didn’t walk away. I introduce myself. This is an honest man who has handed me a sum of money many years ago. He is 68 years old now. I thought I would never have the chance to pay him back the money in this lifetime.
I visited him in his home, I told him what has happen to me in the past. He understands. I told him I do not have all the money now but I want to made amend, I plan to break it down into 20 monthly installments and passed him the first payment.
I am grateful and thankful to God for this chance. Maybe this man was send to save my recovery.
When I was gambling and drinking, I turn into this selfish, self-centered and self-seeking person, meeting him give me an opportunity to put into action his interest before mine. It will help me stay focus and committed to him first and not me for 20 months.
There is a strange quietness and peace in my life now. It is really a strange feeling, I do not feel unrest, insecure, discontend, dissatisfied, and fear, there is now this calmness and belief that everything is going to fall into place. It was so different one week ago.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am not in control.
17th June@ I was feeling tired and stress easily and what happen next was totally unexpected.
21st June@ notice rashes on my chest, by today dated 29th June 2016, it has spread all over most of my body.
I was concern that it may be contagious, I never know what it was, it can be scabies, it can be a sexually transmitted disease, or it could be some viral infection. It can spread to my family. I saw a doctor on the 24th June and was referred to see a specialist yesterday. The specialist surprised me by informing me that this was a viral infection which is self -limiting. It looks severe but it will go away without any oral medication. I was relief that it will not spread to my family.
I care less about what happen to me but I was worried for my family. If I am not worried that it could be contagious, I would not have seen the doctor.
I have other more serious condition and I am 50. This is the reality.
I don’t wish to walk around the deep hole in the same street
I would like to walk down a different street

[kin]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I fall in. I am lost, I am hopeless, It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But I believe it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I see it is there, I still fall in, it‘s a habit. I know where I am, It is my fault. I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

xxxxxxxxxx

Dear dairy
From Aug 2005 to Aug 2016
Every time I stop gambling. Every time I successfully walk away from placing the first gamble. I grow in confident but it has also given me a false hope that I could also stop gambling after I have gamble.

I have always wanted to become that group of minority who was different from all the rest who have succeeded in life, I wanted to be special like them.
Gambling offer quick return, is easily accessible, conveniently located and available everywhere and anytime.

I was determine to make it in gambling and very stubborn about it. Regardless of what I need to do and how long it will take me to make it, I was determine and willing to perseveres and succeed at all cost

I realized later that it would take a very special group of elite people to succeed and I was not one of them . It will be very difficult for me to stop gambling after I have started gambling most of the times because I was impulsive, obsessive and compulsive which makes me very unsuitable for gambling.

The same determination and perseverance that has served me well in my career in the past have now brought me prolong misery and devastation in my life by gambling.
Did I really care that I have brought so much misery and suffering to my love ones and those around me? If I did, why did I still do such things that brought hurt and harm to them. It shows that I was selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.

I have taken much longer than it take to accept that I cannot stop after a few gambles like a normal person and it is time for me to change. It is time for me to made adjustment to my life and walk down a different street.

It is now time for me to give up the FALSE HOPE completely in this life and follow GOD.

This is my journal, walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear dairy
I Thought…
If I can walk away from picking up my first drink or first gamble.
I Thought…
If I can walk away after my first drink or gamble and stop drinking or gambling for a period of time.
I Thought…
maybe I could stop or walk away after I had a few drinks or few gambles.
maybe I can do control drinking or control gambling.

Sadly, a compulsive gambler or alcoholic can never drink or gamble like a normal person.

Thank you Vera, I needed this very much.

Yes, I only became powerless and lose control when I gamble and drink.
My life only start falling apart after I drank or gamble. If it did not happen all the times, then it happen most of the times.

I had enough, there is no need to prove anything to myself anymore. I had enough! After so many attempts and so many years of trying control gambling, I had enough.

I am a normal person when I didn’t gamble or drink.

I was really very surprise that I was not normal anymore after the gambling and alcohol. My life really start falling apart after that.

The risk is too great, the price is too heavy, one bad day and all hell can break loose.

I was such a stubborn person and didn’t believe that it can happen to me, but I shall be positive with all these setbacks.
I may take a long time to realize this and change but I will made full use of my remaining time to do whatever good I can. Not much time left…

[kin]

Hi Vera

Thank you for the message.

Message well received!

1.Compulsive Gamblers never win.
2.Quashing the initial thought means it will never lead to action.
3.We only become “powerless over gambling” when we place the first bet.

[kin]

Dear diary
I chatted with a “ I don’t believe” person today and thanks to this person, she make me realize my big problem and blind spot.
I realized that my recovery leads me to a control gambling and not a gambling free future.
For years, I tried and I tried again to do control gambling.
I don’t believe “I cannot walk away after I have gamble”
I don’t believe” I cannot walk away from placing my first gamble”
I have tried and cannot walk away “all the times” after I have gamble, this is very hard for me to do .
It is easier to walk away before placing the first bet.
The focus in my recovery should be on “not gambling” / not placing the first bet and not about “control gambling ” / continue gambling.
One brings a lot of tears and destruction while another one gives a lot of hope and confident in recovery. It is a choice which way we chooses.

Recovery can be a painfully slow process
Baby steps forward is a sure way
Walking away from the first bet leads to long term abstinence from gambling one day at a time.

[kin]

Dear diary

I was experiencing a new struggle I never had in the last 11 months, I was slowly losing not only my focus and also my motivation in recovery. It was a painful period, things was just not happening the way I would have like it during these time.

What had happen 2 days ago may change everything, it has given me a new hope, a new reason, a new energy, a drive and a new push to improve on what I have already done. Progress was painfully slow but that was the only way I know to made amend.

They are one of the most honest and trusting people I met. They are always on my mind, they don’t deserve to be my victim, nobody does but my list to made amend is too long and the sum is way beyond my means.

I have not met them for more than 15 years. They cannot recognize me, I have grown old, fat and bald. My dressing is sloppy and not sharp, I was not the same person they knew. I could have walk away but I did not.

I knew I can do something for them now as a result of my recovery, I didn’t want them to end up as my victim till their last days. It was one of my biggest regrets in life.

I have thought about it many times, I thought that I may not be able to made amend to them in this life time.

I do not have the means now but I still walk up to them and ask them whether they are the couple I know. I was not very sure myself, look can change over the years.

I was correct, they are the nice couple I knew, I ask the husband how old is he now, he told me he was 68 years old.

I do not have the immediate means but I thank God for giving me the opportunity to do something for this man, it may take me 10 months or more.

This is a 68 years old man, how long can he wait for me until I have the means, to them, it was a forgotten bad experience and they must have given up hope. For me it is either now or never to made amend to this man.

My mum is 86 years old. I am 50 years old and unhealthy, time is not on my side but I sometimes forgets and thought that I have a whole lifetime to made amend later and continue to hurt them intentionally or unintentionally.

Thank you God!

Thank you for sending this couple to me to save my recovery.

[kin]

Dear diary

I really don’t know why it have to be like that for me.

I had to go through all the pain of gambling and recovery to be able to bring comfort to another suffering recovering person.

I only need to tell them all the mistakes I have made and more importantly what works for me.

Help me God!

[kin]

What have happen to me?
I bring myself and everyone down.
One day everyone will go away, if you don’t, I will bring you down.

Hurt sang by Johnny Cash, was one of my favorite recently, his voice, the lyric, touch me.

[kin]

Dear Lizbeth4
I read your post. You shared.
“I am learning to deal with my problems in a more effective way.
I now understand that I can’t control what anyone else does,
I can only control how I react
& I am in control of my behaviors.
It is a hard “life lesson”
but now, I am more at peace than ever before. ”
It couldn’t have been said better from a recovering person living with a husband who is a alcoholic and two daughter who are drug addicts.
Your story really put me to shame. You are a good role model to me. Thank you for sharing your recovery with us

[kin]

The reward circuit in the brain includes areas involved with motivation and memory as well as with pleasure.
The pleasure associated with gambling may subsides but the memory of the desired effect and the need to recreate it (the wanting) still persists.
The hippocampus lays down memories of this rapid sense of satisfaction, and the amygdala creates a “conditioned response” to certain stimuli.
Gambling stimulate the same circuit.

The hippocampus and the amygdala store memory associated with gambling, so that it can be located again.
These memories help create a conditioned response—intense craving—whenever the person encounters those environmental cues.
Cravings contribute not only to addiction but to relapse after a hard-won sobriety.
A gambler may be in danger of relapse when the condition is right.
Conditioned learning helps explain why people who develop an addiction risk relapse even after years of abstinence.
Gambling causes nerve cells in the nucleus accumbens and the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain involved in planning and executing tasks) to communicate …in a way that couples desires – “liking something with wanting it”, in turn “driving us to go after it”.
This process motivates us to take action to seek out the source of pleasure.

[kin]

In nature, rewards usually come only with time and effort.
Gambling provide a shortcut, flooding the brain with dopamine and other neurotransmitters.
Our brains do not have an easy way to withstand the onslaught. Gambling can release two to 10 times the amount of dopamine that natural rewards do, and they do it more quickly and more reliably.
In a person who becomes addicted, brain receptors become overwhelmed.
The brain responds by producing less dopamine or eliminating dopamine receptors—an adaptation similar to turning the volume down on a loudspeaker when noise becomes too loud.
As a result of these adaptations, dopamine has less impact on the brain’s reward center.
Over time, the brain adapts in a way that actually makes gambling less pleasurable. They have to gamble more to obtain the same dopamine “high” because their brains have adapted—an effect known as tolerance.
The worst thing that ever happen to me was winning some money, I ended up spending more money trying to replicate the feeling.

[kin]

In nature, rewards usually come only with time and effort.
Gambling provide a shortcut, flooding the brain with dopamine and other neurotransmitters.
Our brains do not have an easy way to withstand the onslaught. Gambling can release two to 10 times the amount of dopamine that natural rewards do, and they do it more quickly and more reliably.
In a person who becomes addicted, brain receptors become overwhelmed.
The brain responds by producing less dopamine or eliminating dopamine receptors—an adaptation similar to turning the volume down on a loudspeaker when noise becomes too loud.
As a result of these adaptations, dopamine has less impact on the brain’s reward center.
Over time, the brain adapts in a way that actually makes gambling less pleasurable. They have to gamble more to obtain the same dopamine “high” because their brains have adapted—an effect known as tolerance.
The worst thing that ever happen to me was winning some money, I ended up spending more money trying to replicate the feeling.

[Author]

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