[kin]

Dear dairy

I must be grateful for all the little new responsible thing that I was able to do in this year, because they are something I pray and dream of doing in the past.

On the other hand, I was also very shock and disappointed with myself for the over all damage that I did to myself in the last 12 months.

“A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight , it is between two wolves.”

I must starve the bad ones. I really cannot afford one more mistake.

My life is still powerless and unmanageable. I am very ashamed to say I was in recovery.

[kin]

Hi FM

Think about all the potential money you are going to save because you have quit gambling completely. There is hope.

Be still and be patience. It will be a slow process.

[kin]

My Inventory check:
These are my shameful, and irresponsible acts, all the latest hard earn money that I have lost in the last 12 months:
Alcohol: 1 time – $1000, Casino: 3 times – $7000, Soccer Punting: 1 time – $6000

This all happen when I was still under the self exclusion ban, so it was not fool proof. I still need a safety net, it was suggested that I need to keep a safe distance for myself from money.
This suggestion was not so bad compare to a time when I thought only my death, jail or halfway house can stop me.

My biggest soccer gambling transaction in a month happen in Dec 2012, this was 7 years after I came into recovery. I continue to gamble on and off, memory of this incident frighten me today, I did not know I have accumulated what was for me a dangerous and huge sum, amounting to $250,000 of soccer gambling transactions.

I don’t want any loss from gambling in my life anymore.

Everything is not ok but I am ok. I am still very hopeful that I can do better “in recovery”. Life will be better for me and everyone around me without all my gambling and alcohol in the future.

I was saved by the Grace of my Higher Power.

[kin]

Dear diary

I am speaking for myself. This year is full of discovery, I learn a lot about me this year.

The period when I was growing in total abstinence happen during a time when I felt really powerless and admit defeat.

But when I felt that I was no more powerless after a period of sobriety, I start to struggle to stay total abstinence again. I became complacent, weaker and lazy in my recovery. Things gradually become harder.

When I had the money and felt in control of the situation. It was not a good sign for me. Bad things start to happen to me. When I felt in control, I am actually beginning to lose control until I loses my life.

Today I really feel very appreciative of the days when I felt powerless. I will surrender to alcohol and slot and admit defeat. Now I wish to extend it to everything.

It didn’t work for me when I took alcohol, use the slot, play baccarat, punt on soccer matches, over work and over eat.

[kin]

Dear diary

My sad reality.

Life has no future for me if I am not willing to give up completely or made adjustment to my life.

Things like gambling and alcohol, I have to stop completely.
Things like food, work, sex etc. I have to do it moderately.

Otherwise I have no future.

What form of substance do I abuse?
Alcohol, food.

What form of behavior do I abuse?
Work, Sex, Gambling.

What form of gamble do I abuse?
Slot machine, football, bacarrat, horse racing, 4-d lottery, toto lottery.

I felt very powerless today, I realized that I lost much of my life to alcohol, gambling and work.

I also see the ugly side of myself today.

When I have power, I don’t surrender.
When I am powerless, I was force to surrender.

[kin]

Dear diary
This is my personal understanding and acceptance of the saying ” to the best of my ability.”
Should there be an episode of depression, the brain will crave for it. I will do my best.
I may lose a battle but I must not lose the war, I must continue fighting.
I will Stay Positive! Whatever happen, continue taking baby steps forward. It matters when I add it all up.

Others choose to differ, some expect perfection from self and others. My happiness does not rest on how they feel about me.
We still have something in common, which is the slogan of seeking progress; not perfection in recovery.

Just for today, I will mind my own business and focus only on my recovery.

[kin]

Addiction exerts a long and powerful influence on the brain that manifests in three distinct ways:
1.craving for the object of addiction,
2.loss of control over its use, and
3.continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences

What happen?

I have reservation

It was during my many periods of sobriety in recovery that I tried to do it differently, every time without fail, I ended up with regrets, until I become fully convince of the AA saying that my brain was cook, it was like a cucumber that has turned into a pickle, it is useless to think I can reverse it.

Where am I now?

I am fully convince

This addiction is like a terrorist, I need to be constantly on guard against it, I need to succeed every time because they need only one time to succeed and my brain will be hijack.

My brain was hijack, that was exactly what happen to me on the 9th April 2016.

My Action

Go total abstinence to the best of my ability.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am very appreciative of this moment in recovery.
I realized that I was doing the same total abstinence thing but now I was able to experience more. I can see the small details and difference recovery makes in my life, this was an awakening experience for me.
I didn’t notice this the last time, it didn’t happen last year when it was a good period in my recovery but I can see them now.
Gambling has rob me of a life that I could have. I was so focus on gambling that I do not have the time and attention for others.
I missed all the little things in life that was important and meaningful to others. Gambling has rob my love ones of the love that they deserve and a life that I could have.
If this awareness was a growth and a progress for me, it sure took a long time to arrive but it was worth the wait.
Everything has a timing and happens for a reason.
Recovery has been a journey of discovery for me, discovering a life that I never had and can have.

[kin]

Dear diary

I felt the 3rd wave of urge for the day, before my work finished, I was very tired and the last few hours of work was stressful trying to stay awake. This is when I felt the strength of the urge was much stronger when it came and it was dangerously close.

It is harder dealing with an urge when we are tired or weak.

I just woke up from my sleep when I wrote this, I do not feel the weakness now or urge felt earlier. I remember that looking after the body and mind is important for recovery. Proper rest and sleep is vital to well being in recovery.

Many things can deprive me of the rest and sleep I so badly need to recover. Besides work, gambling was one of them.

[kin]

Dear diary

I was wondering what could I have done to make it easier or what did I do to make it difficult for myself in recovery today.

1. I had access to money – although I have handed over most of the money to my love ones, I still have some money.
2. There was a place to gamble – the sport betting and lottery outlets are everywhere, they are like 7-11 convenient stores here.
3. I have the time to place the bet – it take less than 5 minute to place a bet at the counter.

It has to do with my attitude and thinking

If I want to do control gambling, it is going to be a problem, it is going to be very difficult to control when I have all 3 of the above and a tempting opportunity.

If I do not gamble anymore, the presence of the above 3 mentioned and a tempting opportunity is not going to made any difference to me.

What is the point of keeping a recovery journal if I am not honest about my writing. Caught myself today. I still have reservation to gamble. I still consider gambling an option. It means I have not surrender 100%.

It shouldn’t be an option
it was not something to consider
I must not have any reservation
I should not even entertain that thought

Cheers!

Caught myself

I am the villain, many times I was not the victim which I choose to believe.

Today was generally a good day, I passed the trial. Hope this day will be a foundation for many days to come.

[kin]

Saving money honestly can be a slow process.

Waiting for the next payday to come seem so far away.

It feels like the fire is burning but the water was too far away.

The feeling of fear was there but the fear is not real, there is no burning fire, so there was no need to panic or do anything now.

There is nothing to fix.

Be still and stay calm (don’t have to do nothing, this feeling will pass). It will be fine.

remarks
if I had gone ahead with the gamble today, it was because I was impatient and want to increase my saving faster, there was no other reason.

[kin]

Sacrifice is expected: “Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me’” (Matthew 16:24).

I am consciously seeking the Lord now. I will deny my desire to place a bet on a favorite team today (Saturday).
If I find the excuse to do it today, I may continue to do the same thing next time.
I am aware I can only serve one master. It is either God or money.

Prevention
Writing about it was a preventive measure and a reminder. This day will come and today was one of those day. I was ready and prepared when the feeling of fear and greed arrive.

The thoughts were convincing, the feeling to go ahead was there.
The fear was there but it is not real. My money is enough, I will be safe.
The (false) confident in the bet was there but it is not 100% guarantee safe, the risk are still there, the risk is real, it can wipeout everything.
I do not need to gamble for more money.

Today I do not have more and if I gamble for more money, it is due to fear. One day I will have excess and if I gamble for more money, it will be due to greed.

I am walking down a different street now. When I want to place a bet, I will come to this thread and write it down.

My medicine is in this thread.

remarks
the urge comes in waves, first notice its presence in the morning, “I didn’t want to listen to it”. In the evening, I felt another push to do it 1.5 hours before the match begin, It was more intense, I had the ” I don’t care anymore, go ahead and do it” feeling.
fact: I do care about my recovery.

[kin]

Thought
Fear that my money is not enough, I would like to have some more, I want to fix this problem.

Feeling
feel insecure & not safe
(the money is enough yet I do not have the confident, I do not feel safe and feel anxious. These feelings made me want to fix this problem )

What is my action?

Truth
My thought and feeling is not true. I don’t have to listen to them, I do not need to do anything.

Lies
The thought is so convincing, logical, rational and justifiable.
I can even feel it, I become anxious and impatience.
( I could have waited for the next pay if it was really not enough but I never, I want a quick fix now)
If I can feel the fear, it must be true but it is really not the case. Many times I fall into this trap. The devil ‘s lies

[kin]

Dear diary
Condition can change, people can change but my recovery must continue.
One of the best advice I received was build up my support network.
This is a preventive measure and safety net, because anything can happen and it is good to prepare for it.
I am human, I was not perfect, of cos I was affected when there are changes in my routine and structure lifestyle, I need time to adapt to new changes but it could have been worst. One may return to old ways or give up recovery totally.
I only need to go to new ones to replace the old ones and continue my journey.

For example

Then
Monday – n.a, Tuesday -Blessed Grace Church Social Service, Wednesday – n.a, Thursday-One Hope Center, Friday- n.a, Saturday- One Hope Center, Sunday-Sunday Service

Now
Monday-GA meeting, Tuesday – Blessed Grace Social Services, Wednesday – 12 steps workshop, Thursday-Gambling Support Group Meeting (Hospital), Friday – Blessed Grace Social Services, Saturday- Healing Service, Sunday-Sunday Service

[kin]

Dear diary
I do not have to feel anxious about checking the odds before any match start in case I missed a good offer.
I do not have to monitor any matches that is going on thru out the day which can become a task and a burden.
I do not have to feel fearful and tense about losing a bet.
Simply life has return to normal, it has become free and lighter, my time is not interrupted by these matches, it is no more my job and duty to study the matches anymore.
I have enough money for living expenses, it was not like this 3 years back when life was very stressful.
The money is just nice, and I do not have excess fund to do more, I cannot travel to a casino in a neighboring country.
It should last me comfortably until the next pay, I do not need to gamble for more money.
Scriptures
Let the wicked forsake his way, And the unrighteous man his thoughts; Let him return to the Lord, And He will have mercy on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon. Isaiah 55: 7(NKJV)
My thoughts
I must give up my old wicked unrighteous ways and return to the Lord.
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10: 10(NKJV)
My thoughts
Gambling not only rob me of my freedom and peace, it also rob me of my money and destroy any saving I have.

[Author]

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