[kin]

Dear Maverick and all

Thank you for all your support

“As iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17)

Having an accountability partner is biblical.
“Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively.
If one of them falls down, the other can help him up.
But if someone is alone, there is no one to help him.
Two man can resist an attack that would defeat one man alone”

[kin]

1 Corinthians 12

If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!

2 Corinthians 12:7-9

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.—NIV

[kin]

Dear diary

This road is full of unexpected potholes.

I will be reminded of my gambling when I least expect them. I need to be careful always not to fall for these temptations for the rest of my life.

Complacency will tell me everything was ok, that it is ok to let my guard down sometimes but it is not.

[kin]

Be contented with life and make the best with what you have.

[kin]

Dear diary

We are not taking our inventory to compare ourselves with others, but only to identify our own values, principles and morals.
It is important that we face our behavior, accept responsibility for it, and work to change it.

Do others make me feel that they are better than me in recovery?
Do I make others feel that I am better than them in recovery?

Which is worst?
These people telling me what I should do regardless of how I feel / whether I like it or not in recovery.
Or these people ignoring me completely / treat me like an outsider in recovery?

Do I feel proud, angry or hurt by people in recovery?

Is it important to me?
Is it important to me how others look or feel about me in recovery?
Is it important to me to feel important, popular or welcome by others in recovery?

[kin]

Dear Maverick

I cried because I have no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

Do not allow what you cannot do to interfere with what you can do.

[kin]

Dear diary

What it was like in the past?

I was this selfish, self-centered, fearful and insecure person. I was earning more but I do not contribute and support my family for most of my life. I alway have big plans and needed the money for my self-seeking needs. I can sacrifice my family interest for mine.
After I hit rock bottom, the amount of money I owe was huge, the list of people are many and I do not earn much later. I hope that I can win money at gambling to repay these people but I lost even more money as a result.
After failing for 30 years, everything look impossible to me. I seriously thought I would never be able to do this for the rest of my life.
I watch and learnt many men who have tried to kill themselves or was put behind prison upon release could not stop gambling later. Addiction was this powerful and I was no different from them. I could not stay stop.

What happen?
After knowing God, I watched how I was suddenly able to repay, contribute and handover money regularly to my family now.
I saw how I made amend every month by repaying money to someone who cannot recognize me on the street after more than 15 years.
I shall start repaying one person at a time within my means instead of not doing anything completely or walk away. I have not seen these people for more than 15 years.
Instead of worrying and fear because there are so many of these people and the big sum of money is beyond my means. I did the next responsible and spiritual thing, repay one person at a time.
I did not allow what I cannot do to interfere with what I can do now.
God has help me to stop gambling when I do not have the strength to do it myself.

What is it like now?
I am starting to see what is in my eyes impossible things coming true.
Did I plan for everything? Did my mentor or another person force me or make sure I do this?
No I didn’t, it just happen like that.
God is great and powerful!

[kin]

Dear Maverick

You have been missed! So glad to see you posting.

Here we are a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from a gambling problem. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop gambling. Our primary purpose is to stop gambling and to help other compulsive gamblers do the same.

[kin]

Hi Vera,

Thank you for all your support.

Every slips and relapse has send me back to step one, I have already lost count of the number of times and years I did step 1,2 and 3.

Step 1,2 and 3 prepares me for Step 4,5,6,7,8 and 9. It is God’s timing, not my timing and now I am ready for the next stage.

I am beginning to understand and feel that working the 12 steps recovery program is actually walking and living a new lifestyle.

One cannot study the steps, one have to walk and live the steps to understand.

Gambling and alcohol is only the symptoms and problem on the surface, take away both now, and I had to deal with deep rooted problem inside me.

I am learning how to live life all over again.

[kin]

Dear diary
I hit a different rock bottom in Aug 2013 and that was a turning point for me. Later I experienced the benefit of total abstinence after doing it continuously for more than 180 days in the year 2015. Quality of my life improves and my recovery hit a new comfortable level.
Just when I feel that everything was ok, I begin to struggle, I face a new problem when things was good.
It was mentioned in the bible, God has warned us about this in 1Corinthians 12-13
12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!
13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. When you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An opportunity to change my heart and thinking or beliefs /
My deep rooted problems and temptations:-

1. For the last 10 years in recovery since August 2005, I was still living with this very deep rooted problem. I believe that I cannot beat the bookie or casino everyday but I am very sure I can beat them on some days, I have done this many times. I only need to wait for the opportunity and the perfect condition. I stop gambling but my belief did not change, when the condition was perfect, this is when I return to gambling.
2. I was not trigger by my small saving at the beginning for many months, but I discovered that I have a price. When I have more than SGD 6,000 at my disposal, my mind will start to drift and explore all the possibilities that I can do with this money, it turn into a big distraction and temptation, which become a burden for me in the end. I don’t have this problem for many months when the saving was still growing, it become one later, it is so predictable, it was a vicious cycle for me to return to gambling.
3. When I have payment or bills to be make, if this payment is going to use up my last dollar. I will likely have gambling thoughts. I may want to bet everything on the favorites soccer team and pay my bill after collecting the winning, this way I will have money to pay the bill and , money left over to spend for the rest of the month. Spending my last dollar on bills can trigger me to gamble for more money.
Only two things may happen when I do this, firstly, either I lose the gamble and in the end, I will not have any money for the rest of the month and I will not have any money to pay the bill. Secondly, I may win the gamble. In the end, it could lead me to a period of compulsive gambling. I may still end up with nothing.
4. When I tried to use exercise to fill up the void left by gambling, I didn’t realize that what I did was too much for my body and mind. I suffered muscle aches and pain which stresses my mind and body. I may have stop gambling but these stress trigger me, and thoughts to self-medicate using familiar ways like gambling re appear.
Thoughts:
What did I plan to do differently this time –
1. This is exactly how those businessman want me to think, I am not going to fall into their trap, I am not going to lose a single dollar to them.
2. I am already handing over and repaying all my excess money to the family. When my saving grows to an uncomfortable sum, it will be time to hand it over to my family again or deposit in a new saving account that doesn’t allow immediate withdrawal on the same day. I am not going to fall into this trap that I set myself up.
3. I need to keep and maintain a healthy saving to made sure so that I will not end up in a situation having to use my last dollar again. This is a trap I set myself up for some desperate gambling.
4. I am switching to long walks of at least 1.5 hours each time, it is more comfortable, the muscle aches, pain and stress level is more manageable and I can sleep better. No more high intensity exercise for me, this is a trap I set myself up for escape gambling for the stress.
Feelings:
These are happy problem, these are problem I can get only after I walk out of my rock bottom days.
Actions:
Continue the baby steps forward, one day at a time. I seek progress, not perfection.
I will not allow what I cannot do to interfere with what I can do.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Where it was like in the past:
I don’t want to hand over all my money to someone to manage for me.
I don’t want to apply for self- exclusion ban.
I used my own way to stay stop, I relied on my willpower and determination.
I depend on my strength, not a Higher Power.
I am not following any treatment or recovery program

What happen
I continue to fall into the same hole

Where is it like now
I am handing over my excess fund to someone to help me stay stop
I have apply for all available self-exclusion ban to help me stay stop
I depend on a Higher Power to give me strength to stay stop
I am following a recovery program to help me stay stop

Step 4, 5, 6, 7 work on my strength and weakness
It allow me to carry on and continue what works for me and help me to remove my character defect one by one for the rest of my life.

[kin]

Dear diary
I wanted to update my journal but could not find the right word for a few days now.
I wanted to talk about what happen to me for many years when I depend on my own free will, and how I did not have the strength to stay stop for too long. I tried GA and the 12 steps recovery program, it has help millions but it didn’t work for me too well until one day when I have a Higher Power, I found the strength in the Higher Power, it made a big difference in my recovery when I do Step 2 and 3.
I was troubled by some reservation that I had kept for many years, I have tried for 10 years to rid this problem but I could not clean it completely. With a Higher Power helping me now, I was making progress in Step 4,5,6 and 7.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcoming.
The wisdom and knowledge found in Step 4, 5, 6 and 7 by the grace of God help me grow stronger by removing the character defect I had slowly one at a time.
Initially, I thought there was only God given strength and our strength thru willpower and determination. After I google on line to find the right words to describe my feelings, I found to my amazement more information on this which really open up my eyes on the subject of strength, and how it has help me in my recovery.

Mental Strength and Toughness thru Wisdom and Knowledge
Cognitive strengths that entail the acquisition and use of knowledge in recovery
1. Strength of Creativity:
Thinking of new and productive ways to get things done in recovery
2. Strength of Curiousity:
Taking interest in our on going experience for our recovery sake
3. Strength of Judgement / Critical thinking skill:
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides, not jumping to conclusions; being able to change one’s mind in light of evidence, weighing all evidence fairly.
4. Strength of Love for learning:
Mastering new skills, topics, and bodies of knowledge, whether on one’s own or formally; related to the strength of curiosity but goes beyond it to describe the tendency to add systematically to what one knows
5. Strength of Perspective
Being able to provide wise counsel to others; having ways of looking at the world that make sense to onself and to other people.
Mental Strength and Toughness thru Courage
6. Bravery: Not running away from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain; speaking up for what is right even if there is opposition, acting on convictions even if unpopular
7. Perseverance: Finishing what one starts; persisting in a course of action in spite of obstacle; taking pleasure in completing tasks.
8. Honesty: Speaking the truth; taking responsibility for one’s feeling and actions
9. Zest: Approaching life with excitement and energy; not doing things half heartedly; living life as an adventure, feeling alive and activated.
Mental Strength and Toughness thru Humanity
An interpersonal strengths that nvolve tending and befriending others
10. Love:
Valuing close relationships with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated, being close to people.
11. Kindness:
Doing favors and good deeds for others, helping them. Taking care of them.
12. Social Intelligence:
Being aware of the motives and feelings of other people and oneself; knowing what to do to fit into different social situations; knowing what make other people tick.
Mental Strength and Toughness thru Justice
A civic strength that underlie healthy community life
13. Teamwork ( citizenship, social responsibility, loyalty):
Working well as a member of a group or team, being loyal to the group, doing one’s share.
14. Fairness:
Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting personal feelings bias decisions about others: giving everyone a fair chance.
15. Leadership:
Encouraging a group of which one is a member to get things done, and at the same time maintaining good relations within the group, organizing group activities and seeing that they happen.

Mental Strength and Toughness thru Temperance
A strength that protect against excess; moderation in action, thought or feeling and restraint.
16. Forgiveness:
Forgiving those who have done wrong; accepting the shortcomings of others, giving people a second chance and not being vengeful.
17. Humility:
Letting one’s accomplishments speak for themselves; not regarding oneself as more special than one is.
18. Prudence
Being careful about one’s choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.
19. Self-Regulation (Self-control)
Regulating what one feels and does; being disciplined; controlling one’s appetites and emotions.
Mental Strength and Toughness thru Transcendence
Strengths that forge connections to the larger universe and provide meaning
20. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence (Awe, wonder, elevation):
Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence and skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.
21. Gratitude:
Being aware of and thankful for the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks
22. Hope (optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation):
Expecting the best in the future and working to achieve it, believing that a good future is something that can be brought about.
23. Humour (playfulness)
Like to laugh and tease, bringing smiles to other people; seeing the light side; making (not necessarily telling) jokes.
24. Spirituality (faith, purpose):
Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe; knowing where one fits within the large scheme; having beliefs about the meaning of life that shape the conduct and provide comfort.

[kin]

Dear dairy

I was speaking from personal experience only : What was the difference like for me now compare to a good period when I go total abstinence in recovery last year.

Last year, I wanted to go abstinence for more than 180 days. My objective was to go cold turkey like it or not. In between, there are some very tough days, it really test my mental strength, many times I was weak, this was when I see and experience the benefit of having a Higher Power, the whole new focus was on God, and I was able to achieve it with new found strength unlike many past attempts when I fail miserably on my own free will and strength.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God

I did not plan for the experiences that come soon after, in doing so, I was able to experience what recovery felt like after more than 180 days of total abstinence, the benefits it bring to my health and the hope it gave me was immense and tremendous. Recovery has become beautiful and fun. It starts to become a lifestyle, and an enjoyment.

The last advise I got from a mentoring friend, “there will come a time when I felt like I was on my own, I will feel like I was traveling this journey alone and HE cannot hear me but HE is always there. I only need to pray to Him.

Looking back, it really felt like I have to carry the weight and march forward alone but God was always there. I make it by the grace of God.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Since early 2016, changes have taken place in my routine. I didn’t understand why it happen but I continue to have faith and believe that it happen for a good reason.

I didn’t wish to leave and I don’t understand why I had to leave the Christian recovery support groups that I have depended on so much in the previous 3 years, I was very comfortable there but they sure know how to make it very uncomfortable for me for a few weeks.

Suddenly one day, they are not happy that I was leading a group in another organization, it just happen on this day, the GA chairperson couldn’t come and the assistance chairperson was late, I just help to chair the GA meeting. I don’t know how they found out and what is their problem.

People attending the Christian support groups sometime wear T-shirts which carry gambling paraphernalia such as football jersey with club logo, there was no problem but it shock me when their loyal workers and later their management have problem with the T-shirt I was wearing, it belong to another volunteer welfare organization for recovering addicts.

I even have a worker there who volunteer to pray for me personally, his message to me was to follow where ever God brings me.

I have to trust God’s timing. If it is really time for me to move, I move. I decided to leave this group.
Addicts like me don’t like changes. I have to leave my comfort zone in recovery. I struggled, it took me about 4 months to find a similar substitutes, stabilise and settle down.

In the meanwhile, other problems stand out during this period, my alcohol and gambling came into the limelight. The rest is history.

Thank God, it was actually a learning opportunity, I become stronger in the process. I have pick up a new awareness and new skills that I never had in the past.

Now I am just doing it together with all my new friends counting continuous clean days again, it is a togetherness kind of thing.

My focus remain unchanged.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God

Step 4 now: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

During the challenging time this year, I had the opportunity to finally uncover my deepest lies, dishonesty and false hope. I am still work in progress but I am already seeing the benefits.

With God ‘s will taking the lead and my will plus direction in recovery growing clearer and stronger in strength. Things are improving, getting easier and smoother compare to the good period in recovery last year.

Below is a small part of the reading from the promises in AA

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

[kin]

Dear diary
Since I started counting “continuous clean days” and not the number of clean days I had on the 17th August 2016, I must be 1 week old now.
The change was drastic for me, I had more freedom, I can feel the peace and calm almost immediately after I change.
It was very clear and obvious. Now I no longer have to spend time and effort to check what soccer matches is on, where and when, I don’t have to study the odds, their past performance and make a prediction, finally deciding how much confident I have on the match and whether I would like to go ahead to gamble on the outcome of the result and how much to gamble.
I no longer have anxiety and worry from missing the deadline and gamble, no fear that I may miss a good opportunity if I did not follow up closely, there is no more pressure and stress to made important gambling decision all the times before each match start. No more fear, tense and anxious feeling when the match is in play.
Weekend is the busiest, during the peak period of the year, there are soccer matches going on every day. Once I admit defeat to soccer punting, spending long hours monitoring, analyzing, making predictions, and having emotional roller coaster ride is no more a part of my daily routine. Now I have more time to rest properly and relax mentally.
What happen in the past?
This was one of the hardest obstacle for me staying stop for many years. In the past, I have been living with this reservation to gamble deep down inside my heart, I strongly believe that I may not be able to beat the bookies or casino all the times, but I am fully convince from my past winning experiences that I can beat them some times if I could just wait patiently for my chance and stop after I win.
Where am I now?
I look at the periodic gambling I do in the last 11 years in recovery, it has always been “a period of compulsive gambling in the end” and not about winning a single soccer match. Every period end up in losses.
This is the confident that the bookie and casino has, if I continue gambling, they are very sure I will lose in the end. This is what exactly happen to me. I can be an opportunist waiting for the chance to made a winning gamble, but each opportunity return me to compulsive gambling for a period and losing whatever I have all the times in the end.
I had an awakening recently, I am not only stopping gambling, I admit defeat. In the past for me, stop gambling means I stop not only the losing opportunities but also the winning in gambling. I admit defeat means I stop all the losing in gambling, there is no winning in gambling for me, there is only losing. Any false hope in me that I can win sometimes was one of the biggest reservation and biggest problem I had for many years which was address now. It is all over, it is finish, it was remove after 10 years in recovery.
What is my action?
No one want to give away their hard earn money to the casino or bookies. I don’t want to lose a single dollar to them.
What about taking money from the casino or bookies. Everyone likes to believe that but in reality, it is a con job, a deception, an illusion, this is what those businessman want us to believe but it is a lie and a trap for compulsive gamblers. I have stop believing in this lie, I have stop lying to myself.

[kin]

Hi Vera,
I never know this can be done, this is better than what I plan to do. Your suggestion is much appreciated. Thank you.

[kin]

Dear diary

I was defeated by alcohol and gambling, thinking about them, there was no beautiful memories except pain.

Life become powerless and unmanageable when I have a healthy sum of money on me. I can be defeated, my saving can be a trigger when it grow to a certain amount. My mind will start drifting and think about what to do with them until one day I return to alcohol and gambling in a moment of madness, this is when my thought is not clear and I was not thinking straight. Life is quiet when I have little or no saving.

When it was quiet and calm. It was nice. My thought was still, my mind is not restless and disturb. There is peace, there was no distraction. I can rest properly mentally and physically in this state of mind. I was not doing anything except resting.

One day I will achieve the same quiet life and still have a growing saving.

[Author]

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