[kin]

Step 4
Dear diary
When I work step 4 in the 12 steps recovery program and answer the questionnaires, I found out that I have been feeding thought, feeling and desire which I never thought were terrible sins at all for many years in the past.
How I had abuse my power, money and prey on the vulnerables, I convince and instruct these people to give me their money and body. I feel very shameful, guilty and wrong after working this step.
It has increase my awareness, it allow me to see something I cannot see in the past especially the wrongdoing and unlawfulness that I was used to. It was a very humbling experience, I become less self-righteous about things and less arrogant in front of people now, I can made very bad decision and I don’t feel that I am better than others, I learn to listen to others more. I am not perfect but I am seeking and making progress.
On Monday and Friday in 2 different groups, I met 2 elderly rich men, they are more than 10 years older than me. When they talk to me about the millions that they have lost, and how they abuse their power and the trust given to them, how they use and prey on other people’s money and body. They offer me a big mirror to reflect on my life, they wanted to recover the money they had lost, their problem was the money they had lost and the debt they had, not gambling. They don’t think that all form of gambling was wrong, it was just another business or entertainment. When they relived the past talking to me about them outside the groups, they talk like there was nothing wrong, their conversation was all focus on past winning and how they abuse their power and money to prey on vulnerable people.
It reminded me of myself, I felt so lousy and shameful about my past, I do not have what these men have but the money I had was enough, it gave me power and respect from people, people listen to me, they gave me what I want. I abuse this power and money given to me. I abuse the love and trust given to me. In return, I did nothing but hurt and harm these people emotionally and spiritually.
I was really wrong. I seek God’s mercy and forgiveness.
I told these men that I did the same , I know it was wrong now and I regretted it. I could do nothing with these 2 elderly person, when they relive old memories, they are actually enjoying and feel proud about them like it was some trophy they had won. They are still hoping to be able to live the old days when all the attention and the glory will be on them. They continue their old ways secretly.
I am learning how to live life now, I start to understand that the remaining days of my life should be all about God, others and me last, it does help to straighten the selfish, self-centered and self-seeking nature inside me.
Surrendering and giving up my self-will and follow God’s will, Handing over my life and will completely to the care of God mentioned in Step 3.
My old way is unlawfulness. I am taking baby steps to replace my old ways with new ways.
I am walking down a different street now. My Journal bear witness to the changes I made, I took baby steps every day and over the years, something inside my heart and mind is beginning to change, my harden heart is slowly melting away.
It will be a dream for me now… to be able to do recovery and work for the next 10 years, If I could live to that age, I will be very happy, it mean I have more time and money to make amend to the people I have hurt. I don’t know how much time I have left. I will have to trust God, let go and let God.

[kin]

Dear diary
I have met 2 speakers in the 12 steps recovery program in the past. Both have more than 20 years clean days in recovery.
One will boost to us how successful multi-millionaires or company CEOs will seek him for advise, he would tell us how he went for AA convention and many from oversea would like to invite him for lunch or dinner just to get near and talk to him, but he is not interested. He ever shared about acting out in other ways but his clean days in AA continues. He smokes.
The other one would always say that it is very flattering for him, he does not know why he deserve all these praise as he feel very unworthy (the glory goes to God), he is grateful for all the good things. He believe in living a total abstinent life in NA. He gave up smoking.
How many times have I heard man who think they are better than everyone, so full of self glory, self ambition, critical, judgmental, unforgiving, uncaring and unloving.
I find that the man who relied on God’s word found in the bible when he teaches was more consistent. Their sharing was based on biblical teaching, it was all about following God ‘s way and not their way, it was the same yesterday and today. It has stood the test of time. These people are taught not to seek self- glory.
I was much worst than the first person yet I don’t want to grow to be like him, I wish to be like the second person.
I am walking down a different street now. Everything is so new to me. I am taking baby steps. I don’t know what is God’s plan for me, but I am sure and believe it is good.

[kin]

2 Corinthians 12:9

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ~Apostle Paul

Dear diary,

I met this recovering person in Aug 2005. His name was Reuben, I am still learning from his sharing more than 11 years later since I met him.

He was clean for closed to 20 years in NA but in his every sharing in the meetings, he would shared about his weakness, shame, guilt and what it was like in the past, he never glorify himself.

Everyone can see what he Is like now, he was indeed a recovery success story, and one of the most honest and up righteous recovering person that I can meet, his behaviors was consistent since day one that we met him.

Why did he continue to shame himself and talk about his struggles ? Why did he made himself look so bad in front of everyone when he was already doing so well.
When he was interview by well know professional about how and what help him to get well, he was very sure and confident it was God who has help him turn over a new leaf. He did not walk with me like the present mentor but he definitely have sow the seed in me more than 10 years ago.
I remember thanking him personally for the help , he did not accept the credit, he told me it was God who help me.

I understand the teaching now.
The more he share about how hopeless, helpless, weak, shameful and guilty he was in the past and the more everyone saw the good person he has become, he was glorifying God.
He show everyone the power of God in his life. He gave the people seeking help hope, everyone seeking help want to be like him, we want to have what he got.

Those who got the message are save by the blessing and grace from God!

[kin]

Dear P
Having a Recovery Program increases our chance.
Following God, reading God’s word in the bible- gives me the answer to all my question in recovery, working the 12 steps recovery program – gives me a direction in recovery, and attending support group meetings – allow me to process my thought and feeling when I talk about them, all these increases our chances in recovery.
Hope soon replaces fear and insecurity.
Calm and confident replaces restlessness and anxiety.
Strength and courage replaces weakness, tiredness and helplessness.
God help us do what we cannot do for ourselves when our will-power and determination can do no more.
All we need to do is keep ourselves gamble free today. Tomorrow we do the same. Every day is day number one for us. It teaches us to remain focus, humble and vigilant.

I am a recovering person and human, I seek progress, not perfection.

1 Corinthians 12

If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!

[kin]

Hi Maverick

Good job with the financial responsibilities and commitments!

[kin]

Dear diary
As I try to recap what I share with friends, I benefited when I remember to use them in my daily life.
In cognitive behavioral therapy, I understand the connection between my thoughts and feelings, and how my thoughts and feelings influence my behavior.
It teaches me that while I cannot control the people, places and things around me, I can take control of how I look and deal with them.
I can change my action, instead of doing nothing and getting stress by the heat in a warm place, I can move to an air-conditioned room or movie theatre, my feeling can change from stress to one which is relax and resting. The stress causes gambling thoughts while the relax and comfortable feeling make the gambling thoughts disappear.
I can change my thoughts, I am not attracted by a winning gamble now. Each temptation to gamble to win more money when the opportunity comes has led me to periods of compulsive gambling, I have watched how my every winning turn into losses in the end. I was convinced that I am a compulsive gambler. I do not want to lose a single dollar in the end. I do not want to gamble anymore.
I can understand what the illness of depression feels like. It can make me feel depress, hopeless, weak, helpless and anxious. I cannot control this bad feeling and this illness is not my fault. It will not go away and my will-power and determination cannot keep me still and safe for long. It can turn into an anxiety or panic attack.
I learn to pray and focus on God, I learn to rest in God. God make me feel secure and safe. God give me the hope, strength and courage to remain calm instead of self medicating with gambling or drinking. God help me to do what I cannot.
I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear dairy
I remember many times in the past, I become hopelessly helpless and desperate to stop gambling. I have lost all self-control and become compulsive. I go ahead to gamble when I want to stop, gamble more money when I want to stop, lost everything when all I wanted was stop. I cannot stop gambling at will.
Early days in recovery was all about staying abstinent in gambling, I feel very restless, stress and anxious when I was not gambling. Are these withdrawal symptoms?
I only get a relief from this struggle after I gamble. The anxiety, stress and tension will disappear after I gamble. It was a predictable and effective but wrong self medication.
I will complaint that “I want to stop gambling but I could not stop.” I tried to seek help to stop gambling for many times for many years. I didn’t even notice I am lying. (denial).
I didn’t know what I really wanted. All this while I thought I wanted to stop gambling but when I say that I want to stop gambling…
I was actually saying what I really wanted was to be able to stop gambling at will when I gamble.
I was determined to regain my control in gambling by going abstinent. I don’t believe I cannot gamble and stop at will like a normal person.
When I feel that I have succeeded in staying abstinent for a period of time, and have regained the power, strength and control that I had lost to stop gambling previously. I will return to gambling when the opportunity to win some money arrive, it become very tempting, I will feel that it is safe to do it now.
When I feel that I was in control, I will actually lose control. I will return to gambling.
When I no longer felt lost, hopeless and helpless or powerless, I become powerless.
When I felt that I was able to reasonably stop gambling at will, I will feel that it is very safe to return to gambling.
It was all about regaining “control and power.” It gave me false hope and confident.
All these while, I didn’t know I was lying to myself. I may have stop gambling previously but all I wanted was to return to gambling one day when the condition is right.
Deep inside, I wish and hope, I dream about being able to gamble successfully one day and I lost so many years of my life this way chasing an empty dream.
A compulsive gambler will never be able to gamble like a normal person.
I admit true defeat, I no longer need to have power, control and recover in this area.
I got well after I accept my powerlessness in gambling, there was no need to change this powerlessness as I have cut all ties and desires to go back to gamble.
My focus has change. I start living and experiencing a life I never had.
I am no longer numb anymore. I can feel better now. I want to enjoy every moment, the new peace, freedom and joy that this new life brings.
I am not fighting in the same street anymore, I have walk down a different street.
My problem is not gambling anymore, I am trying to live a life I miss.

[kin]

Dear diary
4 months has passed since I started to made amend to this elderly man. I visit him again today and had coffee with him, I watched his smile from near. I felt peace and comfort in my heart. It was all worth it.
I had second thoughts recently about going for a massage because it can cost me more than 10 days of living expenses and it comes with hanky-panky service.
Now I am beginning to feel more uncomfortable doing morally wrong, strange for someone like me who have always been doing wrong for so many years.
I did not have to struggle long, I walk pass and found a new place offering a great massage without the guilt at half the price. Just the kind of place I need.
I have a strong craving for a particular food from a popular stall lately but the traveling put me off and I didn’t go, I was walking pass the usual place and surprise they open up a new stall so near me today.
These things mean nothing to me in the past but they do now. These little things make me happy, These little things felt like a big reward. Thank you God.

[kin]

Dear Commander (cdr)

1. I need money to gamble.
2. I need a place to gamble.
3. I need time to gamble.

Setting up barriers against them was the easy part. It stops me from gambling when I could not do it myself. I force myself to stop gambling but nothing else about me has change. If nothing about me change, nothing changes.

What was it like in the past?
I force myself to stop gambling but nothing else about me change, my belief still remain the same.
I believe that if I could wait patiently for the opportunity, pick the right football match to gamble, I can win money. I have done it many times. I don’t think that I was wrong.
I also believe that I can gamble like a normal person and stop at will. I will hit the winning and run, I will do control gambling.
What happen?
I manage to stop gambling but I could not stay stop for too long. I keep falling into the same hole.
What is it like now?
I believe that I was wrong. I believe that my belief was wrong. That is exactly what the bookie and casino want me to think and feel, as long as I think and feel that I can win the gamble in football, I will return one day, if I continue gambling, the bookie and casino knew they will win in the end.
Winning is a trap, it just lead to periods of compulsive gambling. A compulsive gambler can never gamble like a normal person.
When I stop gambling, I stop losing money. I did not sacrifice any winning opportunities in gambling because I never win in the end. There was no winning, I only lose, sometime it happen sooner, sometime later, the truth is always the same.
I don’t want to lose a single dollar to the bookie and casino anymore and I don’t wish to fall into their trap. I shall remain total abstinent in all form of gambling today.
I only need to stop gambling today. Tomorrow I do the same. Recovery is a one day at a time program (ODAAT).

My Barriers

I apply for self-exclusion ban from gambling places.

I hand over my money to someone to manage for me.

I made plan to fill up my free time and void left by gambling, depending on my off days, I attend support group meetings such Gambling anonymous group meetings on Monday, Blessed Grace Church gambling support group meetings on Tuesday and Friday, 12 Steps workshop on Wednesday, Gambling support group meeting at the hospital on Thursday, Healing Prayer Service on Saturday and Church Service on Sunday. Spending time with love ones, going for long walk, listening to songs, going for movie and nice dinner, making new friends

[kin]

Step 3.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Dear diary
3 years have past since I started to seek and follow God more closely. Slowly l watch how God bring changes to areas in my life where I have tried for many years and failed, these unbelievable changes convinces me why so many people all over the world follow God, study the bible, practice the 12 steps recovery program.
It only works when I give up my self-will and follow God’s will, give up my old way and follow God’s way.
God is righteous, God not only made me contribute to my family every month, it was the next event in my life that put me in awe of God’s power.
I have walk away and disappear from my many debtors for more than 15 years, they must have given up hope completely. I have aged after so many years, my appearance has change too, when I walk pass them, they cannot even recognise me. One would have thought that time heal all wounds, my debts was written off, I could have move on with my life now and fill up my purse.
It was not in my recovery plan to return them the money as the sum was huge and I was not earning enough. I am near the end of life, how many good years do I have left, I fear and thought.
On the other side, my peers in recovery have move towards offering services to the recovery community and their home church but somehow I have struggled to do the same. Maybe God have other plans.
God was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I have done wrong to my family and many others. As part of my cleansing in recovery, I watch how God turn me back to made amend to my family and later these people who cannot recognise me at all one by one. My priority for them, now has come first before any other services.
I was a hypocrite but my God is righteous. I also notice I speak out less now in any face to face recovery group meetings as I watch in awe the things I was doing more after God took over the steering wheel.
It was easier after I have experience and saw God’s miracle in my life. I have to admit that letting go and letting God, taking my hands off the steering wheel in the beginning was a scary and frightening experience, it was really very tempting to take back the steering wheel when there are hardships, I have panic when things got difficult and tough. I have more faith and trust in God now.
I could have embarked on more self-centred and self-seeking plan building up my nest for my remaining years but I am not controlling the steering wheel now. I trust His plan. I am sure my nest will be taken care when the time comes.
It was nice to know God is helping me made amend to people I have hurt in the past when I could not do it myself. There is joy handing over my earning to them.
I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

You are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions. You are the soul inhabiting the human body that is having those thoughts and emotions.

Our soul is the observer, we can watch and observe the thought and feeling, we can detach ourselves.

No matter what gambling thoughts we may have? No matter what gambling urges or craving we may have? we can do nothing or something not related to gambling!

Mindfulness!

[kin]

The recovery program is a simple one for a complicated person like me.
Yesterday I have just finished a 12 hours graveyard shift work at 8 am, unfortunately I don’t have the discipline to go to sleep straight away.
By afternoon I was feeling tired physically and more mentally. I had wished to go for a massage for some relief. It would have cost me 100 sgd.
This started a fight inside me. There are 2 forces fighting inside whether I should spend this 100 sgd. Suddenly the trap door open, why don’t I gamble? The gambling thoughts suddenly appear.
Oops I am in trouble, the alarm was set off. I was mindful, the gambling thought has appear. I knew what I need to do. I went to sleep straight away regardless whether I like it or not. I slept like a baby.
I must be tired, I slept for more than 12 hours, I woke up feeling refresh, I don’t need a massage anymore, and the gambling thought disappear. I am glad that somehow I did the right thing but it highlighted a living problem.
Since I am walking down a different street now. I must be honest about this, it look really harmless. Many times in the past, my gambling was started harmlessly like this, I was really a big fool and it lead to a period of compulsive gambling.
It shouldn’t have started in the first place. I can see how I complicated everything step by step.
The solution was a simple one for a complicated person like me.
I should have rested and sleep after a long day at work, this would not had happen. Instead I complicated matter and tired myself unnecessary until it triggers my gambling thought.
I need discipline and honesty.
I was living in denial in the past. I didn’t think I was wrong and had a serious problem. Now anything that trigger gambling thought in me was a serious problem if I want to continue to stay stop.

I am not working today. I will attend a gambling support group meeting in the hospital later tonight.

[kin]

Dear diary
I can set up layer and layer of barriers to help me stay stop
etc. handling my money to someone, applying for self-exclusion ban to gambling places, keeping my mind pre-occupied and myself busy.
These barriers are just aids to help me stay stop, they are preventive measures and safety net. How long can it help me to stay stop?
These aids doesn’t provide me the strength, courage, wisdom, and confident that I will need to stay stop.
Did release from imprisonment, attempted suicide, illnesses, bankruptcy help every person we know to stay stop? Sadly not the case.
My will-power, determination helps but is it enough? How long can it help me stay stop?
Going for treatments, seeing a counsellor, doctor and doing a recovery program helps etc cognitive behavioral therapy, rational emotional behavioral therapy, 12 steps recovery program, but is it enough?
Attending support group meetings and sharing in meetings help but is it enough?
Knowledge and techniques in relapse prevention helps but is it enough?
You are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions. No matter what gambling thoughts I may have? No matter what gambling urges or craving I may have? I can do nothing or something not related to gambling! Mindfulness helps but is it enough all the times?
Physical exercise helps but is it enough?
Unconditional love from family and friends help but is it enough?
Having a Higher Power helps but is it enough?
Each one of them is so vital and very important to help me stay stop and recover. They will increase my chances but without any one of them, my chances is slim.
Who can help me deal with my sin, guilt and self condemnation after all the damage and destruction that I have committed? Who can forgive me?
Help me God, in Jesus ‘s name, I pray. Amen!

Faith, Trust, Believe, Hope, Rest In God!

[kin]

Dear Maverick

I am no more swimming upstream against the current, I am happily going downstream with the flow. I am no more fighting and feeding the addiction, I am leaving and starving the addiction.

Breaking free from the bondage and chain of addiction.

Walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary
What was it like in the past?
I force myself to stop gambling but my thought and feeling about some gambling beliefs remain unchanged. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.

I change my action but my belief system remain unchanged, naturally my thought and feeling is still the same.

What happen?
I stop gambling many times but I keep falling into the same hole.

What is it like now?
I really think and feel that my old belief system is wrong now.

When someone has a change of heart, they change their opinion or the way they feel about something, a decision that what they thought earlier is not true or right now.

How long did it take me?

It took me more than 10 years to change my belief in gambling and recovery. I was too stubborn and slow, I could not change on my own free will. Only Higher Power could change me!

[Author]

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