[kin]

Dear Bettie

That makes 2 of us, like Vera, I was thinking of you all these times and really hope to hear from you soon.

[kin]

Dear diary
Recently I experience 4 incidents.
1.I was approached by someone in one support group trying to find out more about someone in another support who have borrow money from the former without returning.
I have connected with a very big group in the recovering community on Tuesday, each meeting can be more than 100 people, over the space of less than 6 weeks, I experience many there.

2. I was seated right behind a new recovering person, he stood up and share with everyone in the group that he was penniless but when he sat down, he pull out a bunch of keys in his pocket and put it back, I saw money.
3. I saw this man one morning walking out of a sleazy massage parlor which can be very costly. I would have never expected to meet the same person in the same support group I attend on the same week, he shared that his finance situation was not good and his wife is giving birth to a second baby soon.
4. I wanted to reach out to the least fortunate person in one gambling support group, I wanted to learn how and practice how to love unconditionally. I was in for a surprise and not prepared for what is to happen.
I approach this 56 years old man who was unemployed and receiving financial assistance, he was discharge from a hospital not long ago due to an operation, he was also recovering from problem gambling, I wanted to bring him out for a decent meal at the restaurant.
When I invited him out for a meal, he was teaching me what I should do all the way, he is so full of self-righteousness and self-importance, I thought to myself, why is all gamblers like this including me; so proud and so full of self, he also give me the feeling that the good treatment he is receiving was an entitlement and something he deserve, maybe he thought he was special or it was just a habit, he just wanted to look good and was trying to impress me, but when he try to control me in our conversation, he didn’t know he made me feel less important and very unappreciated. I admit my feeling, pride and ego was hurt.
My intention was good but the experience wipeout any spirituality I had if I have any, it expose the ugly side of me, I discover that I have expectation of his behaviors, if that is true, my love for him was not unconditional, I was using him to satisfy some good feeling I desire. Do I really think that I am better than him? Am I really trying to do something to feel important? Am I trying to please God for self-centered interest and a motive?
I am very sure this man has expose the ugly truth in me, I was not humble at all, I try to be humble, caring and loving with him but when he was difficult, proud, ignorant, arrogant and not humble, I failed.
I was not discourage by this incident, I will continue to befriend, get near to him, learn to listen to him, and serve him. I cannot change him but I am sure he will change me over time.
I was a little discourage and confuse, I had to talk to someone mature and the advice given to me was the same; to focus on my God and recovery, I cannot change others but I can change myself. Not to take my eyes away from God and my recovery.
I don’t understand why I witness so many things in so little time, I question myself whether I am going to or want to do anything about it, it will mean taking back the control and the steering wheel from God and correct / fix things in my old familiar self-righteous way but this will be against my new belief and the teaching in my recovery.
I prayed and ask God why do you allow these experiences to happen to me and what do you want me to do? What do you want me to learn from this? Help me God! Tell me what to do God.
In the end, I decided to let go and let God. I will continue to trust God and handover my will and my life over to the care of God. I will give up my self-will, I will deny myself and not take back the control. I will turn it over and let God handle it.

I am living life and experiencing the problems and challenges without the alcohol and gambling. I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary
I notice that I will be label by people in different support groups, just because I have set up a network of support for myself, I go to many other support groups to do my recovery and I was doing things a little different from them.
I thought they should focus on the fact that I am a part of their group and not on the fact that I go to other places to continue my recovery. I thought the focus should be on my recovery.
Every place I visit, there are successful recovering stories. I choose to focus on this group of recovering people doing well, they not only listen, they follow and practice what they learn. I want to learn from them how they do it.
I don’t want to waste my time on the ones not following the program. Just because they do not do well in the hospital or other recovering places, they will say people there don’t do well. Just because they do not do well in the other support groups, they will label people there as well.
I have learn that some of these people who are very vocal about other groups have secrets they don’t want others to know, one example was borrowing of money without returning in other groups or they have say or do something wrong there. They are very quick to attack, and are very sensitive.
My journey in recovery has been a tedious and long learning process, everywhere I go, there are people like this, there isn’t one place without someone like these in the places I visit such as GA,AA,NA, Hospital support groups, One Hope Center, Blessed Grace Social Services, We Care Center.
I have learn to accept the presence of these people everywhere, what they say and how they feel about me is not important to me at all because my recovery is top priority, not what they say and feel. My God is the center of my recovery program and I follow the 12 steps recovery program. Anyway after a while, all these people always accept me as one of them.
I have no problem accepting these people and ignore the label they gave me, I am thankful to be accepted in the places that these people also go to. I am grateful to God for the awareness, wisdom and mindfulness, I cannot change these people but I can change myself there, I happily work my recovery together with these people. The labeling stop after they know I am doing well.
I was not like this in the beginning, I will feel victimized and sink into self-pity, I may turn into a doormat or people pleaser to win these people. I would be very angry with these people and stop going to these places to do recovery. I may give up and return to alcohol and gambling.
I do not get too bother by these people now. I do not take inventory of what these people are doing, instead I focus on what I am doing and my recovery. I continue to go to these places for support and work my recovery. I have found my balance and happiness.
If I do get bother by these negative people, I talk to the positive ones or I pray and talk to God. It help keep me safe while I persists in my recovery.
It did not happen overnight but the resentments, anger, impatient, self-pity, low self-esteem, fear and insecurity has slowly disappear over time, and I didn’t even notice it.

[kin]

Dear diary
My recovery has been about taking baby steps and it has been slow for me. And some things just don’t happen overnight; you keep trying and practicing until you get it right. And when you get it, you just cannot imagine the sweet satisfactions, it was nice.
When it happen the first time I didn’t take serious notice but when my behavior was consistent second time in a separate incident, I was glad with the growth. It has got to do with being grateful with what I have, accepting the people and situation that I cannot change. Changing myself and not them by the grace of God.
In the first incident that happen on Thursday last week, my 86 years old mum told me that she wished to fix the existing TV, which was switch on most of the day for her. There seem to be some fault lately. I explain to her that repair is costly and new TV is comparably much cheaper, it was better to get a new one but then my budget was tight to get one now, it will hold back my repayment plan by a month. Mum was impatient in her message so I was stress by her, I admit I was angry for a moment but I was able to control it and didn’t show. I was able to made a decision quickly and left home immediately to get her a new 50” inch TV. I was able to change my action and it change my thought and feeling. I was able to protect my inner peace and joy.
The next day, my siblings visit and check the existing TV, they told me I shouldn’t buy the new TV, that I should have discuss with them first, because the old TV was not spoilt, it was the cable box that has problem. I didn’t argue with my siblings instead I left home immediately to cancel the purchase order for the new TV at the shopping mall, I kept my inner peace and peace at home.
In the second incident, my company ask me in for a meeting on Monday this week, they announce that they have set up a new office in a neighboring country with the same exact number of staff to support our local office with immediate effect, I am no longer needed for the graveyard shift and will start work in the early morning at 7.30am on weekdays. In doing so, I will lose about 250 sgd allowance every month and I also need to spend approximately 400 sgd for a new set of working attires now as I cannot fit into my old ones. I went shopping for new shirts and shoes today. The new changes has definitely affected my income every month.
The two incidents have something in common, they have affected me but I didn’t allow it to affect my happiness, I was not dwelling on my losses. Instead I have acceptance of the unexpected change and was able to move on with life. Where was the heavy resentments on people and anger that I used to have?
The second incident highlighted the change in my reaction which was consistent with the first one, my temper have mellow. When I was in early recovery, I may get upset, or panic, I would have gamble and drank heavily.
I am walking down a different street now. I did not drink and did not gamble, things has improved. This is definitely the kind of reward in recovery that I have been longing.

[kin]

Dear diary
The joy and reward in my recovery come from the growing confident and trust in working the program each day, and watching all the goodness that appear in my life walking down a different street.
I notice the goodness all have one thing in common, it was all about making a difference in somebody life. It was all about giving up my ways, letting go of the steering wheel and allowing the Higher Power to do its work. I have become a passenger but I can still see what the Higher Power do.
My Higher Power comforted a cab driver, I did not flag the first cab, took the next one and chatted with the cab driver, he shared about a passenger who did not pay his fare and file a complaint against him to the cab company, the cab driver was feeling very victimized and down by this incident. When I reach my destination, I paid him 10 dollars for a 5 dollar fare and ask him to keep the change, I left his cab seeing a big smile on his face, he say that the change I gave him was too much, I told him it was alright, I just hope the experience will be a relief for the painful and negative ones.
My Higher Power comforted a recovering person. Many including myself can read but did not use the recovering material made available to us.
On Monday I met a 59 years old man who wanted to recover, but all material is written in English, he cannot read but it did not stop him. I saw him struggling to learn English word for word because he wanted to learn from the recovery program. I actually went shopping for second hand book yesterday, I want to get an English to Chinese dictionary for this man. I have never done this before in 50 years of my life.
I was encourage to do it because I have met other man who cannot read English many years ago but is today chairing a meeting in English. I have high respect for these people.
I was only concern about one thing in my recovery. I tell myself not to seek self-glory and not to talk about it but I could not do it. I am not to boast, it can hurt my recovery, but at the same time, I felt excited to share the love and joy in recovery felt in the AA or NA fellowship. If a person wants to continue to gamble, to take alcohol or drugs, it is none of my business, I will walk away but if a person sincerely want to stop, I see that it is my business.

I give to receive – AA recovery paradoxes

[kin]

Dear diary
I have recent experiences, I do not know how best to put them in words I can understand.
I knew I was doing something right now and it was protecting me.
I am heading in one direction now, but when someone or something is taking my eyes away from my objective and threaten to change my direction, it made me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy.
For example, when they are taking other people inventory, they are not focusing on their recovery or changing their life. I felt threaten and afraid they will derail my recovery, I have to walk away or reject them nicely.
Another example, when they do not want do the right thing to seek help, and threaten to do self- harm, my priority change, I felt like a hostage, they make me felt like it was my responsibility and I cannot walk away fearing something bad will happen to them.
I must learn to pray for them and let God handle it. I must continue to trust and let God control the steering wheel, not me. I must not panic and take back the control.
I start to lose my focus and gets very distracted. My center will shift to them and away from my God and my recovery program.

[kin]

Dear diary

Some may feel that I should offer service to others regardless of how it can affect me and my recovery. I am easily stress when I was not ready. They only want to prove themselves right and me wrong.

Some have a plan and wanted to use me to solve their problem. It was pre meditated, it was done so carefully and tactfully without me noticing at first, this is a form of manipulation and cunningness. It was never about helping me in my recovery but a very selfish, self-centered interest and self-seeking ways to serve their needs.

I felt very relief after realizing that I will feel uncomfortable if it is not in line with what I am doing daily, following God and practicing the 12 steps recovery program. I will feel uneasy.

I should not take others inventory, I should take my own personal inventory and focus on my recovery.

I should not allow their problems to distract me and take my eyes away from God and my recovery, losing my focus and safety.

My 86 years old mum is in pain today due to leg cramp. It was a strong reminder that my priority should be on my family and not on others.

[kin]

Hi Jarvisja

This subject was taken from your post on 15 Oct 2016.

Do you believe that a compulsive gambler or you can never gamble like a normal person?

How many times more are you going to try to gamble and prove that you can stop gambling after you have started gambling?

When you found out that you can regain the strength to stop gambling and walk away from your first gamble after a period of total abstinent, you may start to think that it is safe to return back to gambling, this feeling is very risky and dangerous for everyone of us, you may return back to gambling, and soon it will return you back to where you first started. You will discover that you are powerless over gambling and your life has become unmanageable again.

You can find many answers when you visit the GA meeting near you.

[kin]

Dear diary
How deep is my love for my recovery?
How committed is my love for my recovery?
Do I have unconditional love for my recovery?
Am I willing to sacrifice myself for my recovery?
How deep is my love?
I love my God and my recovery more than every recovering person, every recovering places and money. My recovery is not centered on people place or thing, it is centered on God.
I am always ready to walk away to join another similar group of recovering people, another similar meeting in another recovering places to continue my recovery when things become harmful.
How committed is my love?
When my recovery become hard and difficult, do I walk away from God and my recovery.
Oct 2013 I remember the day I am no more running away from everything, I decided to face the money lenders. I negotiated with a string of them. It was a stressful period. I do not have the money and their job is to strike fear in my heart. I needed courage to face them, there were many nasty exchanges between us. Thank God all these are a thing of the past, I have since fully repaid every one of them now.
Nov 2013 I receive a legal letter of demand for money I did not borrow, it was very upsetting, I found out the letter was a fake, it was all a scam, I had to report to the police. Everything is fine now.
Dec 2013 My mum was 83 years old and was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage colon cancer on the 11th Dec and needed surgery on the 27th Dec 2013. On 19th Dec, I was informed by my employer that they are not renewing my employment contract and I will be unemployed soon. I was gamble free for more than 3 months but life was actually getting worst and worst, I never expect to lose my job and face a life and death situation at home. Today mum is 86 years old, recovering well, she is mobile and eating well.
January 2014 I was unemployed, I was broke by now, I could not find full time work. I had to work as a kitchen cleaner at 12 midnight in Burger King restaurant. The money I earn is not enough to pay for transport from home to restaurant, I had to walk to work. It was not the safest work to do, I had to drain boiling oil from the fryer into a drum, I had to scrub the wall and floor. I was paid 20 SGD each day. I have since found a better full time job now.
I remember asking myself, my mentor and God is this what “carrying my own burden, denying myself and following God” really feel like? It was so painful, life is turning from bad to worst, there was no light at the end of the tunnel in sight. I was hit hard, I felt like I was slipping away, just when I thought this will be the last bad new, another new one appear, it really pushes my limit for pain and tolerance. Mentally I am growing weaker amidst all the suffering. I do not know how to rejoice in suffering for God and for goodness and grow in strength.
I appreciate this lesson very much now because I saw how my life become full when I have none. I become more assured and confident in recovery now, my beliefs and faith grew stronger. What l first thought was tragic and disaster turn out miraculously good by the grace of God, I can never understand why and how, the closest to describe this feeling was the AA paradoxes “we die to live” “we surrender to win” “we give away to keep” ” we suffer to get well ”
I have learn to rejoice in suffering in the name of God and my recovery now.
1 Peter 4:12-14
“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing; so that also at the revelation of His glory, you may rejoice with exultation. If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.
Philippians 3:10
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;

When you suffer for being a Christian, you further identify with Jesus in His sufferings. There is no shame in suffering for the Lord. Instead, it is to be counted as a blessing.

I am very thankful for the experience and growth from that difficult period today. Thank you God for the protection, grace and blessings.

Do I have unconditional love?

I am a recovering addict so when I see another suffering recovering addict, I saw myself, I am responsible for my effort to love them like God and other recovering person love me.
I must not have any unrealistic expectations. I did not make it on my first try, I should be fair to them too. I have learn from previous bad experiences to love unconditionally, I must not expect any one of them to return me a favor later or treat me better, otherwise I am just setting myself up for more disappointments and misery. I do not control them. They should be given the rights to reject me.
I only wish to offer them hope, not condemnation, judgement or criticism. I leave that to God. I have to learn to stand on the shore and continue to throw them the life saver. I do not take the credit if they do well and I also do not blame them or myself if they do not.
I realize that they actually help me grow, to give is to receive. I will become the biggest benefactor when they give me the chance to love unconditionally. I need to thank them.

I need hope, they need hope more than everything, we need all the motivation and encouragement we can get.

Am I willing to sacrifice for love?

I am ready to give up my current job, a higher pay package, walk away from harmful people I love, harmful places I love and harmful things I love for the sake of my recovery.

Apostle Peter warned his readers about the coming of a more intense period of persecution. He again stressed mental readiness.

hmm…mental readiness

[kin]

Dear diary

1. The Pastor was celebrating his birthday with us in the morning today, all blessings to the Pastor will be used to bless our group. I did not know how much to give, what is my means and how much is my means? I pray and I got my answer.

2. I was a hypocrite but my God is righteous, God is helping me do what I cannot do for myself. It is happening more and more frequently now, some call this the Holy Spirit, some call this my conscience thought, some call it the guru, I am trusting this voice more and more, so far it has bring me goodness and protect me. I don’t doubt the message anymore.
Our maid’s rest day was today, Mum and sis was home resting, I hear the message to honor and love both of them, I bought them dinner from a popular and expensive restaurant. My 86 years old mum was very happy and enjoying herself, my sis must be comforted. She have bailed me out countless times in the past, I am very grateful to her.
I have since become a different person, I am a giver now and not a borrower by the grace of God.

The best thing that happen to me was the sleep after dinner. I got the rest I needed. Living one day at a time, it was a good day today.

[kin]

Dear diary
What it was like in the past?
ARROGANT
I love to be popular and like to be the center of attention, I love people to trust, respect and like me. I used to care a lot about how others look at me. I have a bad habit to share my limited knowledge and life experiences with others when not ask. It may have made others feel small, uncomfortable, not respected and less importance. I was not sensitive to others
IRRESPONSIBLE
I remember very clearly how I blame my love ones and run away from my responsibilities, I have abuse the trust, love and respect that was given to me, I have used it to hurt the closest people to me.
I only give out of surplus, I am not as generous, loving, caring and unconditional as I thought, I was afraid of my love ones asking me for help when I have little and none, I will get stress, the only familiar way I know under this situation was to run away from my family and love ones by walking away, I have left deep emotional scar and damage on them.
I was not willing to sacrifice my everything for my family and love ones, I am not willing to take pain, hardships and gave away all my money to my family and love ones.
What happen?
Ever since I stop gambling and drinking lately, I was able to see everything very clearly.
It was really shocking, sad and disappointing to see the truth, I did not think I was wrong in the past, I did everything to preserve myself and survive, I have sacrifice many in the process.
Working step 4 peel off the outer layer of skin and reveal everything underneath about me, I learn things about myself that I didn’t know. The truth shocks me how bad and how low I was in the past.
3 years ago when I work Step 1, I was changing my action, I deny my selfish, self-centered, self- seeking ways.
What was it like now?
I cannot change something that was not there. Today I can slowly see my heart more clearly , it hurts to see that I was not the nice person that I thought. It was incredible how God and step 4 help a person change inside out.
Now I can pray to God to help me to change my heart and mind. Change of heart and mind can influence change in my behavior and action leading to salvation.
Yes I feel shame, guilt and sinful tonight while writing this.
Yes I am thankful and grateful for this growth and chance to change.
I used to have eyes but cannot see what I was doing. I can never see myself as the hurricane that walk into others people life and left a path of destruction behind.
It is better late than never. I have a chance to change.
Now I understand why Jordan, my present mentor do not want any recognition for his good work and charitable deeds, he gave but chooses to remain anonymous. It does wonder to made someone like me who crave for power, money, recognition and self-importance, to be humble and less arrogant.
I have met past scholar and wealthy businessman in recovery but these people just do not have the spirituality that my first and second mentor have.
I do not know what is God’s plan for me but something is changing inside me. I have faith and believe God, I trust God that it is something good, I just have to let go and let God. It is all in God’s timing, not mine.

I need to be patient, still and wait

[kin]

Dear diary

I am happy to rest on the Lord, I no longer fear being rejected by other people.

I do not have to be a doormat or a people pleaser anymore.

It is not uncommon to be rejected by people who think you are different from them. There is no need for me to feel left out, disappointed, sad or depress because I can go near many other people who are more loving caring humble and God loving out there.

I must learn not to seek attention, popularity, recognition, and self-importance. Seek God ‘s glory, not self glory.

In the tradition of GA, I am gamble free for 61 continuous days and today is always day number one for me.

Every day is my day number one. I just need to stop gambling today. Tomorrow I do the same. This is a ODAAT program.

[kin]

Romans 12:2
Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good, acceptable, pleasing and perfect.

Dear diary
What are the challenges that I faces from the people I meet recently.
In recovery:
1. I meet people who is trying to advance their counselling career in addiction, their intention was self-centered and self-seeking, it was no different from the compulsive gambler they once were in the past. It was all about them and not about me, it doesn’t help me in my recovery.
2. I meet well to do recovering people who chooses to do leisure and control gambling. They are a group of privilege people who have wealth and can afford the habit. Worst still, many cannot afford the habit but did not think there was anything wrong. We do not share a common goal of going total abstinent in recovery.
3. I meet some recovering people I first met a few years ago in different group meetings, these are not the one who are stable and has the most clean time, I will never understand their intention, I don’t know whether they are trying to protect their group or their recovery, they will pick on people doing things differently from them. It could be about the other recovery support groups or places that I went or the recovery program that I use, it was never about my recovery.
4. It is not uncommon to be rejected by some people who feel that we are different but these people are only the minority.
5. There will always be fake people who is seeking popularity, importance and attention from others or self glory, they will never be able to do what they tell others to do, they only give false hope and empty promises if not lies or conman stories.
It can become a tricky situation for me, do I be a door mat and allow them to step all over me, or do I be a people pleaser to make them like me for the wrong reason, both can be harmful to my recovery. Do I have a choice, can I walk away from them, do I focus and centered on people and place for my recovery or do I focus on God and the recovery program for my recovery? Who is more caring, loving and more powerful? Who was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, who is more consistent, dependable, almighty and reliable? Which is going to be my top priority to help me stay stop?
I learn to protect my recovery, I learn to walk away from people and place who can affect my recovery. I learn to focus harder on God and the 12 steps recovery program.
Building up a strong network of support has been vital to progress in recovery, when one door closes, there was no fear as there are many other doors open. Most importantly, all these places have a common goal, the same God and the same recovery program that I could follow, their message was all the same. My recovery did not stop, it continues..

[kin]

Dear diary
2 Peter 2:22
According to the true proverb, the dog has gone back to its own vomit again and the pig which had been washed gone back to rolling in the dirty earth.
Under all the appearances of reformation, still the evil nature remained, as that of the dog or the swine, and that nature finally prevailed. There was no thorough internal change, any more than there is in the swine when it is washed, or in the dog.
I was like that for many years, I stop gambling for many times, but there was no change of my heart and my mind. I did not stay stop and return to gamble just like the dog and the pig.
If nothing else about me change, nothing change, I remain the same gambler in the heart, I will return to gambling. As predictable as the dogs and pigs.

This proverb was a lesson, a warning and teaching.

I am walking down a different street.

God can help me change my heart and mind when I could not do it on my own.

[kin]

What was it like in the past?
1. I stop gambling because of fear of a relapse. ( focus was on fear and gambling)
2. I stop gambling and want to forget my past. I was afraid of my dark past and facing them. I was afraid of it coming back to haunt me and affecting my daily life.
3. I don’t want to remember my past. It was too painful. After so many years, I was able to block out this part of my memory and forget.
4. Relapse felt like the end of the world. There is a lot of self-beating and guilt. I realize that I only stop gambling but nothing else about me have really change.
What happen?
I continue to fall sometime sooner sometime later. Until I found God and God provided me all the answer in my 12 steps recovery program so far, I am working step 4,5,6,7,8,9 now.
What is it like now?
1. I stop gambling by following God and the 12 steps recovery program. (focus was more on positive ways of living my life)
2. I stop gambling and become mentally stronger, it was alright to remember my past now, it was a painful reminder of who I once was and what terrible wrongdoing I am capable of doing. I felt remorseful, I want to repent, I seek a change of heart and mind. I work harder to get close to God.
3. Working step 4 forces me to go back in times and help me remember exactly what I have done in the past, it peel and strip the outer layer of my skin off and reveal what was inside, it helps me remember, it felt like it has just happen yesterday when it happen more than 20 years ago. Recalling terrible wrongdoing was a lousy feeling. The only difference and comfort I get was from the changes I see in my life now and the protection and hope I receive and get from God, I have started to do good.
4. What happen if the reality of a relapse happen? Well I never really think about it, my job was to focus on my recovery today, appreciate living my life one day at a time, I just need to stay total abstinent today, tomorrow I do the same but if it really happen, I will just pick myself up and try again, I will continue taking baby steps forward, frankly speaking, all the relapse happen because I was not doing it correctly and it help me to realize my mistakes, it help me change my direction until one day I got it right. It does help me progress. I am human, I am fallible.

I seek progress, not perfection in recovery.

[Author]

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