[kin]

Hi DChoye

Thank you for the reminder!
Yes you are correct, the stake is too high for us.
There is too much that we can lose beside the money.

[kin]

Dear diary
This is a reminder to encourage myself to work hard in the 12 steps recovery program and not do the following:
2 stepping
They do step 1 and jump to step 12, diving head first into the program sponsoring others, chairing and even starting new meetings, in the fellowship of GA. That sounds like working the program, but they have not work the Twelve Steps.
1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.
12. Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers.
There are the 13th Step: People Who Prey on Newcomers
Then there are the “Three Step Shuffle”: They do the first three steps, but lack the willingness, and thoroughness to face a Fourth Step Inventory.
I was a 3 step shuffle for many years until now. Better late than never. My time is now.
I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary

These are just some of the values I experience to stay gamble free

honesty, responsibility, commitment, acceptance, sacrifice, accountability, perseverance.

willingness to give my all and not out of surplus

I was thinking to myself

” Staying stop” did not happen by chance.

I was not able to stay stop in the past because
I don’t know how and I did not “do enough”
I may know how but I was not willing to “give my all” and did not ” do enough”
I have found my balance and become a happier person now.
I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear Maverick

Here are some recovery paradox for your pleasure viewing.
1. die to live.
2. surrender to win.
3. suffer to get well.
4. give to receive.

If we are still taking control of everything in life, nothing changes, we are still relying on ourselves when to gamble or not to gamble, we are still depending on our will-power, determination for strength. It is still all about me, I , myself.

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray to you to bless brother Maverick with wisdom and courage to acceptance. Please help him find a Higher Power (can be a God, a recovery program, a group or a person)greater than him that can restore his life back to normal. In Jesus ‘s name I pray, amen.

[kin]

Dear diary
Dated 15 November 2016
Today I learnt the importance of making myself accountable to someone to protect my recovery.
There were days that I have to earn my next clean day to keep my continuous gamble free days, yesterday was one of them.
The opportunity came and the temptation was there, I have very strong confident in a soccer match and really wanted to go ahead to place the bet, I would have won a month salary.
Why didn’t I do it?
I am enjoying my sobriety and I really treasure the peace, calm and joy I am having everyday now. I risk losing all these if I had place the bet. I have to make my choice carefully.
I did not forget the period or times when I could not hear my conscience that is guiding and keeping me safe, all I could hear was my addiction talking. I prayed but I cannot feel or hear God, there was no connection at all. If I choose to gamble, the same thing is going to happen again.
This is a time to test me how serious and how much do I love my recovery, am I willing to sacrifice something I love to protect my recovery etc. job, money, people and place.
The money amounting to one month of my salary winnings will be nice to have but it is threatening to take my eyes away from my God and the 12 steps recovery program.
I check myself, no one will know if I did not tell anyone I gamble. I could go ahead to gamble and win the one month salary. When my focus on God and the 12 steps recovery program is replace by work, money, health, relationship with people, my recovery will be threaten and in danger.
The answer was very clear, I am accountable to my God, my 12 steps recovery program, my support groups, my recovering friends. I did not have to struggle much to make a decision. I want to be accountable to God, the group and people I know.
I have a responsibility and I want to be honest, I want to obey and follow God and my recovery program, It was wrong to allow myself to gamble.
I may have a price, but I do not know, I will know only when the test come, but last night I was able to sacrifice one month salary winning by not gambling.
I did this to protect the peace, calm and joy I had now.
I did not drink or gamble. I am walking down a different street.
I would not have this problem if I had not study the gambling odds and predicted the match. I was correct. Bolivia beats Paraquay.

[kin]

Dear diary

My recovery is centered on God and the 12 steps recovery program. It is not centered on the people and the group.

I trust God and the 12 steps recovery program, it was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and has stood the test of time whereas the people and the group I met can change.

I have learnt to build up a strong support network for rainy days, I attend so many different groups just in case one or two is not available to me, there are still many others I can go for support, and it has serve me well because the people and any group can come and go.

[kin]

Dear diary

When I travel to different places, groups and people to deliver the message.

I risk being label, shame, criticize, ridicule, judge, unpopular and hated.

After I have handed over my will and my life over to the care of God, God has help me to do what I cannot do for myself in recovery.

I learn how to “give my all” and not “give out of surplus.” when serving.
I find a newfound strength to remain calm, courage to face the fear, humility and confident to face all these difficult people when serving. I am happy to rest on the Lord, I no longer fear being rejected by other people. I do not have to be a doormat or a people pleaser anymore.

I will not be able to do the job if I do not know how to love and give unconditionally without any expectation of the outcome, good or bad.

I am responsible for the effort when I serve, but I have learn to leave the result to God. It is all God’s timing, not mine.

I do not judge the people and I do not control the people. I must accept their choices in life.

[kin]

Dear diary
I am learning to do things totally different now. I am practicing my 12 steps recovery program where I learn how to give and love unconditionally.
I do not control these people, I don’t made the decision for them. I only show them the way, they have choices and made the final decision, I am learning to serve with no expectation, not even out of a genuine desire for the betterment of the other person. I suffered no loss in rejection, the person suffer a loss of blessing foregone.
I was exposed to some people who is mentally not well in some groups, it is really hard to please them. I am just grateful and thankful to have the awareness that these people know not what they are doing.
For the last 2 months, I have stretched myself to give generously within my means. Everything happens for a reason and I had the opportunity, it has been a period of intense learning for me.
In one Christian organization group, there is someone who was very unhappy I wore a T-shirt belonging to another volunteer welfare organization many month ago and last night when I bought the same person and 8 others supper, he tells everyone the money I had was from gambling wins. I don’t feel any resentment at all. It was alright.
In one anonymous group meeting, there is someone who is making many people uncomfortable, I met many newcomers with feeling of resentment after contact with this person. I met this person 2 times, I didn’t take serious notice the first time, but when the same thing happen in the second time, I notice that this person was a serious control freak, the person lack spirituality despite many years attending the anonymous group meeting, the person cannot stop boosting how many years she was in the program. She cannot stop taking other people inventory and cannot stop instructing others what to do and what to say. I don’t like the feeling, like many, I am no saint, she just have this ability to trigger my hot button, and I need to take a step back and let it pass.
These 2 person are not well, what I see is not normal but what they did is normal and right in their own eyes. They know not what they are doing.
It was a growing experience. I did not lose my happiness, peace and did not allow them to plant the seed of resentment inside me. Thank God for the protection.
I need to focus on taking my inventory and change myself. I need to persevere when things get difficult. I must not come down from the cross.
There is one good news tonight, a friend who is suffering from depression and have suicidal thought but is very stubborn and reluctance to seek help, is finally seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital. I am glad for this person because I cannot play God or doctor when I chat with the person, I can only encourage the person to seek God and see a doctor for help, the person do have a choice and need to made the decision themselves.
I do not self-medicate with alcohol or gambling. I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Hi Maverick

I attended a lunch time all addiction anonymous meeting and Sunday service last week and I heard the same message in both places.

An experience recovering person share that the 12 step recovery program was his compass in the lunch time meeting.
On the Sunday service, the Pastor who is a recovering person too lift up the bible in one hand and say that this is his compass.
In recovery, I learn from the experience old timer that when we are following a recovery program, our chances become higher otherwise we are still depending on the same old familiar way which is all about my way, me, I and myself to stay stop and nothing changes.

God made everything possible for me but it was the bible and the 12 steps recovery program which help give me a very clear direction on what to do and how to do my recovery.

Heavenly Father, please bless Maverick with wisdom to made the right choice in life and in recovery. In Jesus almighty name I pray. Amen!

[kin]

Dear diary
I wouldn’t know if a storm is coming. There are many things beyond my control. Where, who and what kind of situation will I meet in the future? I don’t know.
This week I met 3 difficult people from 3 different support groups, I was one of many who felt the same after meeting them.
I feel that all 3 want to feel important and were deprived of attention. They feel that they are better than the others.
I am grateful to God and step 4 for the awareness and mindfulness, I can see what I cannot see in the past now.
Maybe I was just like them now, but I was very sure I was like them at some point of my recovery. They are helping me to take my inventory, they are like a mirror.
One was insecure and like to pick on people weaker and less fortunate, this person pick on my imperfection in the group, he like to have fun at the expense of others by shaming them.
One tried to control my behaviors, the person was like a control freak who like to tell others how to behave and act, this person is full of self-righteousness.
One question me whether I was gambling when I buy him and 8 others supper, he has no second thought to make me look bad in front of the others. I feel that he is not well in the mind and know not what he is doing, he sound like a bitter grape and was unhappy to see others doing things differently and happy in recovery.
I am facing challenges from people on top of the fear and uncertainty at work.
Every person or event would have trigger me, I would be disturb, angry and find justification in drinking and gambling.
Where did the strength to remain calm, courage to face the fear, humility and confident to face the people who label, shame, criticize, judge and belittle me come from.
Obviously God is protecting me. I didn’t know it but the picture is getting clearer and clearer now.
I receive the sign, and I obey. I went to join a flock of sheep in one recovery place found inside a church. Now I know I was send there to take shelter from the storm that is coming to keep me safe.
I didn’t try to control the people and situation above. It was unbelievable when I let go of control, I did not lose control and remain accountable. I did not drink and gamble. I am walking down a different street.
It takes strength and courage to love the same 3 person when I meet them, wisdom and clear mind to walk away.
Recovery was not about punishment and unhappiness, recovery is all about love and joy for me. Thank you God for everything.

[kin]

Dear Vera and Lizbeth

Thank you for walking with me during this tricky period. Your presence and support helps.
I am glad to know that regardless of what is happening, I do not need to gamble and drink.

I have been practicing the following steps in my life daily and it is making a difference:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
This step requires self-examination that can be uncomfortable, but honesty is essential in this process.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
This step involves a commitment to monitor yourself for any behaviors that may be detrimental to yourself or others and to admit when you are wrong.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to another suffering addict, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

[kin]

Dear diary
We had a meeting on Monday. It was announce a new office was set up in a neighboring country and we were replaced. The graveyard shift was moved to join the day team.
My working hours changed from 8pm to 8 am to 7.30am to 4.30pm, I struggle adapting to the this change, and I suffer from insomnia.
My income drop by more than 200 dollars which is my allowance for working in the night every month.
Many things changes at work suddenly, I feel that I do not have enough or any support or additional training I require to do the job, I fear that I do not know what to do and how to do and I worried that I cannot do my work anymore. Something that I was efficient for more than 2 years.
My salary for the month of October was late and not paid since 3rd Oct 2016.
We are a small team of 6 person. One have resigned and one is going on long leave now.
What am I going to do? This is not the most honest company I know, they are very reluctance to payout according to the law and are trying to bend the rules. This is the only fact and truth I am reminding myself to leave this company fearlessly when it is jeopardizing my recovery. I must have the courage to walk away from a job and pay that I was comfortable for more than 2 years.
Anxiety and insecurity about uncertainty at work and fear of loss of my income if I resigned is high now. I can see how it is affecting me, I am slowing down and taking a step back ever ready to change my direction to protect my recovery. I am waiting to see what is happening at work and waiting for things to clear up before making any major decision, I am going to be patience and not act impulsively by throwing in my resignation, I will do nothing and wait.
I choose to wait and see. I went to see a government doctor for my anxiety and depress feeling and tell them what is happening to me. I am not pretending everything is fine. I allow the company to know.
The doctor gave me 3 days rest with no medication, this is a compliment to my recovery, the doctor can see I am not suffering from depression and I am not going to act out in my addiction, I am just feeling anxious and depress. The company must have been concern I approach any government institution and immediately return me my 5 days off in lieu which is overdue.
I am now on leave all the way until 20th November 2016, I have so many days to rest now.
What is my price?
I must be prepared to lose this job. I must have acceptance and be prepared for a less lucrative job. I cannot change people and situation but I can change myself. I must not take my eyes away from God and the 12 steps recovery program.
My recovery is more important than my job and income. I am not drinking or gambling as a result of my job and money. I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary
Recovery is getting sweeter, I would see stuff that I could not describe in the past now.
The 12 steps recovery program is like a discipleship program.
The disciple is a follower, one who accepts and assists in spreading the recovery message to another suffering addict.
A Christian disciple is a person who accepts and assists in the spreading of the good news of Jesus Christ.
Christian discipleship is the process by which disciples grow in the Lord Jesus Christ and are equipped by the Holy Spirit, who resides in our hearts, to overcome the pressures and trials of this present life and become more and more Christ like.
This process requires believers to respond to the Holy Spirit’s prompting to examine their thoughts, words and actions and compare them with the Word of God.
This requires that we be in the Word daily—studying it, praying over it, and obeying it.
In addition, we should always be ready to give testimony of the reason for the hope that is within us (1 Peter 3:15) and to disciple others to walk in His way.
We must be obedience and doers of the Word.
Discipleship requires a totally committed life: “Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:33). Sacrifice is expected: “Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me’” (Matthew 16:24).
I had to deny my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways practicing total abstinence in recovery.
There was so much in common that they feel like one when following both God’s word and the 12 steps recovery program.

[kin]

Dear diary
When you took step 3, you decided to trust the Lord. You turned your will and your life over to His care.
In step 4, you show your willingness to trust God.
I am glad what has happen in the past has prepared me for future.
In one incident when I was reaching out to a 56 years old man, I wanted to give unconditionally and love him but ended up shock when I felt anger, I didn’t want to hurt the person, I did not want him to know but I knew something was wrong.
I have to turn to God and step 4 for help.
Psalm 139:23-24 (KJV)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Step 4: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
I was very confused when I was feeling angry while serving a 56 years old man unconditionally. I soon realized that I was doing it very wrong.
If I had expected something back in return, how can that be unconditional? For example;
I expect the person I help to talk to me nicely and respectfully, gratefully and appreciative.
I did not expect the person I help to be full of self-righteousness and self-importance
I thought that a person who have hit rock bottom would be eating humble pie by now but never expected the person to remain proud, ignorant and arrogant.
I never expect them to continue to lie, manipulative and cunning.
My early experience helping difficult people has made me feel anger, hurt, victimized and feeling like a fool. I was not ready.
I am smiling now looking back at my immaturity and writing about them.
I understand now when I help and love a person unconditionally, alI I wanted was just to give the person hope and put a smile on their face, I just wish to give and serve them with no expectation.
I do not try to control the other person. I should allow the person to make his or her choices and decision that include good and bad ones, I shall not manipulate or judge them. I should not have unrealistic expectation of them. Many times they are not ready and have not given up their self-will yet and find it hard to follow others beside themselves.
If I had continue to use my old familiar ways, I am still practicing my self- will, my ways and not God’s will and God’s way.
All kind of things can happen during serving, there are many people and situations that I could not control. I cannot change them but I can change myself, especially how I look and react to them. I understand that I have a choice, I can choose to leave it to God and let God handle them, just let go and let God.
I have grown since I found God’s word or truth and follow the 12 steps recovery program. God have made all things possible but the recovery program was my compass.
I am better prepared now because under unconditional giving and love, no one say these people cannot be ungrateful and unappreciative, no one say these people cannot turn their back on me, no one say these people cannot talk back or treat me badly. If I am not ready, I better don’t serve.
The last service I did was reaching out to a young man, his unpredictable behaviour tested me. I was distracted for a moment when he choose to walk away. I have to dig in for strength, I remember Charles telling me to glance but do not stare, I remember the psychologist teaching me to watch but do not grab the thoughts. I have the awareness that the event has taken my eyes away from God, I ask myself what would my sponsor who is walking with me in recovery, would have done, I feel that he will continue to worship and keep his eyes on God, he would allow me to made my own decision to walk away or stay, it was my choice, he did not at any one time try to control or manipulate me. I have a role model to follow. I did exactly that.
I did not allow anyone, any place or anything to take my eyes away from my God and 12 steps recovery program.
Practicing spiritual acts is really out of this world feeling for me. It was sweet, satisfying and fulfilling. Yes there will be unconditional giving and sacrifices, it really take up my free time and stretch my dollars, at times it can be emotional overwhelming for me.
Unconditional giving and love was a beautiful thing.
When I heard a Pastor who was a recovering drug addict preach to us “not to come down from the cross” when the seed is germination in darkness. When I hear this message, I can no longer control myself , I shed tears uncontrollably because the burden I had inside me while serving others sometime felt really heavy.
I am walking down a different street. I am a giver and not a borrower.

[kin]

Dear Maverick

You cannot change others but you can change yourself.

Blessings

Kin

[Author]

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