[kin]

Dear diary
More drama at work today, the building management took over the office suddenly and the company was force to move.
My salary for last month was still not paid.

[kin]

Dear diary
On 11 Jan 2017, I was very relaxed when I lay down on the surgical table. I was put on local anesthesia and was awake during the whole procedure. I was all cover up on the table.
I realized today that if I had lost the gamble a few hours earlier, I would be in a regret, remorseful and self-beating mode, that would be terrible, I will likely be thinking about how I am going to repay all the bills on the surgical table. I will not have the peace of mind while I get cut open by the surgeon.
Why didn’t I think of that!!!!!
My emotion rule me on the day, I become impulsive, and made a very risky and careless decision to go ahead and gamble.

[kin]

Dear diary
I gamble yesterday. I place ONE bet.
I only manage to stay gamble free for 148 continuous days this time.
I check last night and my salary was still not bank in to my bank account, it was late for many days, something is wrong with this company, I was disappointed and felt discourage.
The temptation was there in the Monaco match showing on TV. I did not give up a winning gamble this time, I took it, I won SGD900. It is going to provide me all the additional money I need for this festive season and my period of unemployment.
I am facing a different problem now. I can feel my thought and feeling changing today. Everything changes so fast.
Yesterday I place my first and only gamble to get the additional money I need from a winning gamble.
Tonight, if I place the next gamble, it was for the excitement with the additional money I had. I notice that I have created a new problem and situation for myself.
Now I have to go back to the recovery basic and do first thing first–
1. I need to deny my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways.
2. I need to deny my desires. I need to sacrifice and give up the excitement I seek from a gamble or a gambling holiday, my greed, and false hope of a better life thru gambling.
3. I need to give up my self-will.
4. I must be obedient and discipline.
5. I need to remind myself all the times —
5a. I cannot stop gambling after a few gambles like a normal person. If I do it, I can never stop at will.
5b. What happen if I lose the money, I will lose all the peace, joy and freedom I have now and anxieties, fear, insecurity and stress will return.
5c. It is not worth it to let the pain and suffering sneak in. It is back to staying gamble free one day at a time.
I should not let the things I cannot do in recovery to affect the things I can do –
I will have work harder at the 12 steps recovery program and seek a closer relationship with God.
I had many good days in recovery but on my bad days, I will become a hypocrite. I was not perfect.
Please forgive me God.
Faith have brought me far but where was my obedient in this situation? I was sorry.

I reported to the day surgery center at 8.40am. My surgery went well today at 9.45am. Thank God.
I saw the opportunity and was tempted while watching the Monaco match at 5am.

[kin]

Dear diary
I was tired and if I had relied on myself to stay gamble free, I could have fail yesterday.
I needed a Higher Power to keep me safe, it came in the form of a person, Charles was there for me at the right place, at the right time with the right words.
He was able to help me look at the same situation from a different angle, at a very critical moment when I was blinded.
My mind was already fixated and focusing on the next gamble and the conveniences that a winning gamble can provide me with the additional money.
I could not see the consequences and inconveniences that a losing gamble can give me. I was already making plan to punt on the 3.45am match at 2am.
I chatted with Charles and he simply ask me to choose “to do what is best for me.”
Immediately I got the message and can see very clearly all the inconveniences that a losing gamble can bring to me. It can affect me up to 2 months, it is simply not worth it anymore to go ahead with the gamble.
What I am facing now is just a temporary inconvenient that will definitely pass.
It was uneasy but I can live without the additional money from a winning gamble.
Higher Power and God of our own understanding works in a very mysterious way. It has kept me gamble free today.

Thank you Charles!

[kin]

Dear diary
Putting everything down in writing has given me some relief, it has help me to see very clearly.
I am going to have lesser but I will still have to do the same, it will really test my trust and faith on my God and the 12 steps recovery program.
On some day I may have to keep still, on others, I maybe taking one baby steps forward at a time, I am not really backsliding but it feel like one because it felt heavy.
I realize my load has increase, I am carrying more weight now. It was no wonder I felt uncomfortable, I am not perfect but it is ok. Is it a sign that I was growing in recovery, I was a more responsible, better but still an imperfect person.
1.Mum is 87 years old and still a recovering cancer patient. Looking after her is a top priority.
2.Ever since the company I was working in was taken over by a new employer, everything has change, the new employer is controlling every single cent going out of the company. Every month they are late in payroll and we do not know when is our next payday. The anxiety and insecurity among the staff has cause them to distrust and let out their frustration on one another. I have chosen to protect my recovery and walk away, I have resign from this company and my last day at work is only 8 working days away, I plan to continue my recovery in a new place, just like it always had been, recovery have brought me places and it was just like an adventure.
3. I am still committed and would like to continue to contribute to the family every month.
4. A lady friend had tried to kill herself recently and fail, I have brought this person to seek help and do recovery in the same place I did mine. I am watching out for the person but I have to be extra careful of my word and behavior, I have to treat the person just like another recovering person, I have the responsibility to look after my recovery.
5. I am halfway there returning the money to someone I promise, who I never met for more than 15 years now.
If nothing change at work, I would have been very comfortable financially with the above. Everything has change now.
In life, many things can be uncertain and unpredictable, things can change suddenly. Now I have to work even harder to stay in recovery.
When the load is heavier, the voice of the temptation to escape is louder.
What keeps me afloat walking on water comes from the FAITH and FOCUS in God and the 12 steps recovery program.
I understand…
I only need to take my eyes away from God and the 12 steps recovery program and focus on all the problems. I will start sinking.
This is not the worst crisis I had face living life on life’s term over the years.
It could have been more serious and complicated if I had a bad relapse by taking alcohol or gambling to escape. It could have kill any hope that I had left.
I do not know where I will be working next now
I do not know how much is my pay going be like next.
I do not know whether I will lose the comfort zone that I had for the last 2 years financially.
I do not know what to expect with a personal friend joining my circle of recovering friends, it has taken away my comfort, because I know how to protect myself from the unstable and potentially harmful ones, but I was worried that this friend do not know how to do that and get affected.
What I do know
My family will be supportive.
I will get a new job and everything will be fine in the end.
The management and staff in the recovery center will do their best to help my friend.
I can choose not to take alcohol and gamble.
I can choose not to make matter worst than it was.

[kin]

Dear dairy
An atheist is one who denies the existence of God.
An agnostic is anyone who doesn’t claim to know that any gods exist or not, and refrains from commitment to any religious doctrine.
I have watch two movies named God ‘s not dead and God’s not dead2.
God’s not dead has help me to understand the agnostic 12 steps recovery program better, and how the people who believe in the philosophy and the study of the nature, causes, or principles of reality, knowledge, or values, based on logical reasoning do their recovery.
God’s not dead2 has help me understand faith better especially when I was called upon to walk on water, how faith can make one stronger in recovery.
How I could choose to stay with God and be judge by the world and not choose to stay with the world and be judge by God later.
It has help me deal better with my insecure feeling lately and make the first big recovery decision for the year 2017. Thank you God.

[kin]

Dear dairy,
I am watching myself very closely daily now. I had to work harder if I do not want to lose the peace, calm, and freedom that has return. I have been feeling insecure lately due to changes that I cannot control.
My tolerant level has weakened after my life has improves. I am finding it difficult to adapt to more hardship, stress and pain.
German psychoanalyst Eric Fromm said,
“The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”
Every likable person has admitted to periods of sheer insecurity. They looked at themselves from the perspective of someone else
— perhaps a person with no appreciation of their talents, personality traits, abilities
—and judged themselves unfairly according to other’s view.
So here are some reminders to myself when I am feeling insecure.
1. Insecurity — Vulnerability of spirit — is essentially humility —opening my heart, living the truth
My Character defects – Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, shame, self-loathing and perfectionism.
2. No one can see my insecurity. They are too worried about their own insecurity to notice my insecurity.
3. Work Step 4 of the 12 steps recovery program
Step 4: We make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
The fourth steps give us the mean to begin finding out who we are, the information we’ll need to begin to like ourselves and receive comfort, happiness, serenity.
My therapist asked me to make a list of ten of my best qualities and she also told me to ask my friends.
The fourth step is a method for learning about ourselves.
It is as much about finding our character assets as it is about identifying the exact nature of our wrongs. The inventory process is also an avenue to freedom.
4. Avoid people you feel insecure around.
It sounds like common sense, but it does require some work to rearrange my schedule.
The truth is that this job, this support group does not make me happy. I have a better chance of getting happy in another job and another group.
I have to protect me and my recovery when the harmful people do not care about my well-being. That should be my first priority. Why torture and inconvenient myself unecessary?
5. Surround yourself with supportive people.
There are only a few people in my life who understand me.
When I’m insecure, I will talk to them on the phone.
Those trusted few are the voices of truth and we need as many voices of truth as we can get.
“We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us,”
writes Beth Moore (“So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend To Us.”)
6. I have a choice. Say yes to adventures.
7. When I am insecure, when I think that I am not good enough and do not have enough, I will not feel good, I will do stupid stuff and chase external validation and external object to prove that I am good enough.

When I was not perfect in my work, I will work harder and longer in my work than everyone, I will prove to others that I was good and knew more in some area to cover for my handicap in other areas. I made myself stick out like a nail and then I will get hammered (haha) by others.

The most stupidest thing I did was to abuse substances and behaviors to fix my bad feeling to feel good. These are all self-destructive behaviors.

[kin]

Dear diary
1st Jan 2017 was a familiar situation .
Everything is not ok but I am ok, I should be grateful and contented.
Start of the year, and a decision has to be made.
Am I going to stay with God and the 12 steps program, and be judge by the world.
Or
Am I going to stay with the world and be judge by God.
Now is my time to walk on water.
I need to focus closely on God and the 12 steps recovery program.
Do not be afraid, everything will be ok in the end.
Do not be weak, there is no need to return to my previous companies to work, it will be insane to expect the same people there to do the same thing and get a different result.

[kin]

Dear diary
Hunger for more money
When I have a shortfall and need more money or when I start to fear and want more money, gambling thought will suddenly appear and cross my mind.
I cannot afford to be over-confident, proud, ignorant and careless, I need to work hard to be mindful and remain vigilant everyday. When I become complacent, I would get myself into trouble because I continue to be vulnerable to mood altering substances and behaviors.

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. “

[kin]

“Tell Your Heart To Beat Again” ~ Danny Gokey

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

[kin]

In early November, my company suddenly announce that they have set up office in a neighboring country and hired the same number of people to cover us.
In late December, our company landlord suddenly appear and brought some people to view our office.
It doesn’t affect me anymore as I am moving away from this company and its people.
I was sure if I don’t know where I am going next, I will be in a new place.
I don’t need to self medicate, I am resting in God. Everything is not ok but I am ok.
I don’t need to drink or gamble when things is falling apart because I am walking down a different street.

[kin]

Dear diary
It was easy to stay gamble free when everything is going fine but when everything is falling apart, that was when it really take strength to stay gamble free.
The voice of the temptation will become louder and when the focus is not there, we could be staring in the wrong direction.

[kin]

Hi Maverick
Glad to see you posting again, I read that…
Your love for your wife and children is not powerful enough to stop you from gambling. You know what you need to do but you are not doing it.

I hear you but…

Don’t lose your focus, it is time to focus again, you only need to focus on today, only today. You only need to stay gamble free today. It is time to take baby steps, one day at a time.

Regardless how long one has been doing this, we wake up seeing and doing the same thing, we just need to stay gamble free today! Today is the most important day, not yesterday and tomorrow.

[kin]

Dear diary
I was very happy to hear from some serious AA 12 steps followers today. It brought back many memories…..
In the early days, I didn’t want to go to AA because people there don’t drink and I didn’t want to go to GA because people there don’t gamble.
Later I still gamble and drink on and off but I continue to attend AA and GA meetings until I was able to stay stop one day, it just happen.
And after all the unlawful and sinful stuff I did in this life, if life was fair, I would have been dead today.
I am really grateful today and I look forward to seeking spiritual progress one day at a time, not perfection.

[kin]

Hi Vera
Thank you for your kind reminder.
I was using my past experiences and my intellect to help me with this decision. It is just total insanity for me if I expect the same people at work to do the same thing with a different result.
Of course if I continue to let the same people take advantage of me and use me like a door mat, I will continue to be paid the same amount on the same job but is it worth it. Holding on to this job and salary is making me lose the peace and joy that recovery has brought me.
Learning to trust and let go to a higher power and God of my own understanding involves tremendous strong faith and courage otherwise it feels like jumping off a cliff.
It was a total reverse, now it is putting recovery first in every situation.
In the past, job and money comes first, and I take alcohol and gamble when everything at work fall apart.
I need to remind myself not to listen to my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking desires because when I do that, I always get into troubles.
I had to continue to trust and handover my will and my life over to the care of God of my own understanding.
Everything I can do, I will do it myself, anything I cannot do, he will take care of it.
Recovery is a new territory, march on…..

[Author]

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