[kin]

Dear diary
I read today.
Walking away doesn’t determine that you’re a coward;
It determines that you’re mature and thinking responsibly,
about not just yourself but about all the other person too, and families and friends
–who will be affected by the repercussions.
–Above all, remind yourself the alternatives could be much worse:
Remember what’s important to you and how a fight could impact your life.
Look for potential escape route and do not turn back.
When all else fails. There is no shame in running away––you did your best.

[kin]

to be updated.

[kin]

Dear diary
Today was the first time I saw these lyric by chance, I never listen to metallica song, it says:
“Trust I seek and I find in you”
“Open mind for a different view”
I don’t know why but I feel comforted and it inspire the thought below.

It is back to the drawing board in 2017.
A different job, different salary, different budget from now on walking down the different street.
I shall continue to love God, the family and nothing else matters to me.

[kin]

Dear diary

I was unprepared for what happen after the winning.
I saw how I wasted my winning on other form of gamble that I would not normally do.
I become greedy, careless and unappreciative of what I had.

[kin]

Hi Beattie

Congratulations on the arrival of your newborn grandchild!

[kin]

Dear diary
Is it important to prove to myself and others that I was right? Is it worth it? Can I let go and walk away?
What makes me different from all the other normal people was my impulsive and compulsive character.
Sometime I could not walk away or let go of doing something despite knowing the risk, bad consequences and harm that would happen to me.
I found out from my recent experiences that I was still very stubborn, I will still follow my self-will, and I will not walk away.
I was still very irresponsible and will not consider putting the interest of others ahead of me when I was gambling.
It was still very important for me to go ahead to feed my desires to prove myself right but unfortunately, many times it turn out I was wrong every time.
It made no sense that I still continue to engage in self destructive behaviors after all these years as a result of strong self belief, false hope and slow to change.
I need to stay mindful at all times and be highly aware of this weakness to keep my well being in check, I can still be very selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.
When I am physically and mentally tired, these problems will run riot and destroy me in the shortest time.
When I am impulsive and compulsive, everything happen so fast, I cannot remember and don’t have the time to consider taking the safest and longer road.
Keeping myself safe should have been more important than proving myself right.
Sacrificing the decision to prove myself right to protect the family should have been more important.
Sadly and unfortunately when I was tired or distracted by problem, I lost my priority and sight.
There are many more important things than the satisfaction of being proven right.
I was a fool!

[kin]

Unexpected things were always going to happen in life.
The only control I have was how I chose to handle them.
I can gamble or I can learn to use courage, humor and grace.

My biggest lesson
No matter what types of trial ~ no matter what types of hardships, difficulties, pain and suffering ; they are not a good reason to gamble.

[kin]

Hi Vera,

Recovery was not ok. I was fearful of the new changes in my life and I have return to my old ways, I wanted a quick fix and took over the control of the steering wheel. I stop giving up my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways; my self-will.

When my mind is more settled, I will put my thought to words in here. It is not flowing right now, I did not want to glorify gambling.

It is 25th Jan and my company has not paid me my salary for the month of December 2016 and my final salary on 18 Jan 2017. They are breaking every employment acts.

I have already given money and made amend to my mum, sis, an elderly man, cleared all my bills and pass my blessing to people who needs it more than me, it was more than the amount of money if I was paid by my company.

I don’t have money but I had the money.

I just wanted to let you know, everything is not ok in recovery but I am ok.

I did not obey God but God did not abandon me, I am sure God has help me to do what I cannot do for myself.

I will update in detail soon…

[kin]

Hi Vera

Thank you for being there always. I have received your message well.

“I am not powerless over every aspect of my life. I am only powerless over gambling.”

[kin]

Dear diary
In the last 3 years, I have relapsed 3 times in 3 separate events for the below reasons.
1. Feeling painful, stressful and pressurize with living life on life’s term (2014)
2. Having an uncomfortable amount of saving. (2016)
3. Disappointment, anger, discourage and stressed with living life on life’s term. (2017)

[kin]

“Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.” Jack Ma

Dear dairy
There is light at the end of the tunnel. Never give up.

[kin]

Dear diary
I don’t trust myself now, I was not following my thought.
I am following my feeling; my feeling and action is not in line with my thought.
I am acting out my self-will, I was not able to practice self-restraint.
Seeing where I am right now after all the serious effort put into recovery is painful, I feel helpless and sad after what has taken place.
Changes that is taking place is affecting me very badly.
This time of the year could have been a period of celebration for me in recovery, I would have cleared some personal loan that I was servicing and I can continue contributing to my home.
Instead what I get now and felt was disappointment and cheated, I was force to wait for the company to pay me my money. Nothing can be done without the money and everything come to a stand-still.
I could not function normally and multi task, I am back to the survival mode of staying patient and doing first thing first.
It was so bad I woke up today and the first thing I thought was “first thing first.”

[kin]

Dear dairy
2 days after I gamble, I can still felt the urge to place the next gamble.
It was only on the fourth day that the reality really sank in, and I was finally able to feel what is really going on.
It felt exactly like hitting a rock bottom. It hurt very badly, I didn’t wish to gamble. I felt so helpless, shock, disappointed and tears.
I don’t like the feeling of the gamble at all now.
The winning gamble feeling and in control feeling was a lie and not real, the true feeling or truth was really one that is powerless, shocking and helpless in this self-harm behavior.
I isolated myself in my room today and slept it off. When I woke up, I tell myself there are things I need to do for the rest of my 12 months in year 2017.
I need to strengthen the crack on me.
It is so hard to swallow, accept and live life on life ‘s term. When my hot button was press, I crack!
I pray that this is just another turning point. A lesson to change my direction.
It hurts, it really does.
I am not going to walk around the hole, I am going to walk down a different street.
Living life on life’s term is painful for me now.

[kin]

Dear diary

I have forgotten that I am walking down a different street.

It shows that I can forget when the condition change.

[kin]

Dear diary
I met up and spoke with my mentor today, below are some suggestion to me.

1. I need to save up some money for rainy days; this is to prevent and avoid situation whereby I was pressure to gamble for more money
2. Once the above is achieve, there is no reason for me to hold on to my only credit card which make me prone to borrowing. I can use a debit card instead
3. I will not watch a soccer match like a normal person because I seek out opportunity in them. Obviously watching a live match may trigger me
4. It was best for me to find employment quickly to keep myself busy and occupied.

[Author]

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