[kin]

Dear diary
I need more practice, more repeated and continue effort to develop the muscle and the strength to SAY NO to my selfish, self-centeredness, self-seeking ways.
It is all about practicing total abstinence one day at a time. I TRUST everything will fall back into place. The faulty brakes will be fix, the thought, feeling and action will return back to normal.

[kin]

Dear dairy

I was saved from further pain and suffering.
I wanted to press the self-destructive button and punt on two football matches at 6 pm and one at 4am last night.
The results is in the news, I would have lost in every match and lose all the money meant for paying up my bills this week.
I was glad I did not follow my feeling and thought, they are not trustworthy and dependable at this point of time.

[kin]

Dear diary
What I Need
and want Most

1. A Home, not a big house
2. Love, not sex
3. Happiness, not amusement
4. Health, not medicine
5. Sleep, not a bed
6. Friends, not acquaintance
7. Family support and financial security, not more money.

[kin]

Dear diary
Don’t I hate it in early recovery that my thought, my feeling and action are not in line.
One day, I notice
My thought: I need to work today
My feeling: I don’t want to go to work today
My action: I had to choose what I dislike NOW, I force myself to go to work today
Spoke to my sponsor, he call this self-discipline
Today I notice
My thought: I want to gamble today
My feeling: I feel like gambling today
My action: I had to choose what I don’t want NOW, I don’t allow myself to gamble today.
Today I read a motivational message
DISCIPLINE is just choosing
between what you want NOW
and what you want MOST

[kin]

Dear diary
Starting temporary work today as a security guard while I search for full time employment.
I don’t know about others but it took me a long time to finally overcome this psychological barrier and obstacle of fear and anxiety. I had wanted to wait until I am ready, but I become more fearful instead as time passes by and I cannot do anything, I felt so useless, I was never going to be ready.
What I thought was right to do, I didn’t do. What I feel like doing but was wrong, I did it. It was a mess.
My mind and body can think and feel what it want now but I am going to do the next right thing. Many time the next right thing is not something I like to do. By the grace of God, I find a new found courage to take the first step.
Having an income allow me to continue to do the next responsible thing at home. I will be financially less stressful, tense and less likely to panic.
Long hours at work and tiring myself will keep me occupied and busy. I should have no free time to gamble.
In the meanwhile, my mind is still not in the recovery mode, it is not stable.

[kin]

Hi Vera

Thank you for sharing. You have spoken out what was in my mind and heart when I crossed the line.
This was exactly what happen to my thought:
Why I should not gamble has turn into why don’t I gamble.
I watched how I look at all the reasons why I should not gamble to stay gamble free, until I look at all the excuses why I should gamble.

[kin]

Fear and anxiety was so powerful and disturbing that it can distract me and take my mind away from my focus to stay gamble free.
Today I was reminded of something very real. If I do not have long to live, I would not have spend time on gambling. My time and money will be spent on people important to me, not on gambling.
I can understand that there are many others who needed the money more than me, I should not have waste it on gambling.
Gambling gave me false hope. I believe that it can get me more money quicker to love my family but what it does was trick and rob me of all my money fast too.
It really saddened me that I have turn away from the truth and hope in God and recovery because of fear, and replace them with the lies and false hope found in gambling.

[kin]

Dear JT

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I actually felt the same.

1. If I know I am dying tomorrow, it is not important to gamble anymore.

2. I felt very lousy knowing the sum of money I lost in a single bet was a lot of money to people who really needed the money.

3. I would rather spend my money on people I love than to lose them away.

[kin]

Dear diary
I nearly risk the most important thing to me, the trust and relationship I work very hard to regain. My mind was telling me to do it today, I feel like doing it and have a desire to do it but my heart was not very sure about it, I am very afraid that I would regret this decision very quickly and it will be too late for me to turn back.
I choose to ignore my thought and went to sleep. When I woke up, the feeling was gone.
If I am not gambling, I will not have this problem. I will not gamble with money I do not have, and I will not borrow to gamble. I will not have new and unmanageable debt.
If I am not gambling, the little I have will be sufficient for living expenses.

[kin]

Dear diary
I can recognize the same struggles, and insanity in early recovery. The frequent self-destructive thoughts was very strong, and I feel like a walking time bomb waiting to blow up anytime.
1. Whenever I feel disappointed and frustrated nowadays, I was surprise that I will automatically think of gambling for the solution. This is how I will eventually lose every single cent and I have struggle to ignore this feeling.
2. My mind will automatically think of borrowing more money to sponsor my gambling. Now I can see how harmful and destructive this is becoming to others and myself, I would have to tell lies to obtain the money, abusing their trust and cheating those who cares and love me, knowing that I have no immediate means to return them the money, I am giving them more false hope and hurting them. This is also how my debt will snowball and grow to unmanageable amount. I have struggle to ignore this thought.
3. It was insanity thinking, the thought to gamble still feels very strong and it felt like it was the right thing to do because it focused on the recent winnings, it sound and feel so convincing that I could possibly do it again.
Something was very wrong with me, my mind would block out and not remember any feeling of shock, disappointment, pain, frustration and helplessness from all my recent losing experiences. It was still thinking of doing the same thing and expecting a different result after so many failed gambles. Returning to gamble is insane.
4. It is taking me so much more effort, time and struggles now to take the first step, to do the next right thing. It was so much easier and quicker to go ahead to gamble than to finally do some honest hard work. Something very simple and easy for everyone to do has become a psychological barrier for me. This is an insane struggle.
I have not had these strong self-destructive feelings for a long time. It returns after I gamble for a month recently. It reflect on all the struggles and challenges that anyone new in recovery faces.
Many things are still very irrational, I am not very firm in my decision and I do not trust myself too much at this moment. My mind, heart and soul is not in line.
In early recovery, I must ignore my self- deceiving thoughts to gamble and stop borrowing any more money.
I was defeated by gambling. I become powerless when I gamble and gambling has made my life unmanageable.

[kin]

Goodbye to honeymoon and welcome to reality in recovery.

Dear diary
They say that recovery from addiction was like climbing up an escalator going downward, when you stop climbing up the escalator, the addiction will bring you down.
Imagine to my horror one day when I see myself going not up or staying still but going down suddenly climbing up the escalator. This was something that I did not expect and understand, it was a sign telling me to climb harder.
I admitted that I have panic out of fear and gamble. Gambling is not a way to resolve any problem.

[kin]

I am ending this thread and starting a new one as I was not walking down a different street.

[kin]

Let the truth be told, everything in recovery start with HONESTY.
What is my damage?
Maybe or possibly one year worth of my earning in financial damage.
What happen and how it all started?
It started with irrational and distorted thinking. This incident has proven once more that I should not depend on or listen to or trust myself.
My FEAR started to snowball in the month of Jan, with the financial commitments and lunar new year celebration in the month and delayed payment of my salary by the company.
I am facing a small crisis and inconveniences for 2 upcoming months in Jan and Feb after my company delay payment of my salary for Dec and Jan. I would need to borrow to service my financial commitments and stay gamble free.
BORROWING was something I do when I was GAMBLING, I did not want to BORROW money to remain GAMBLE FREE.
I did not have the WISDOM and SERENTIY to be CALM and BE STILL, and I did not have COURAGE to BORROW MONEY to remain GAMBLE FREE, I could have stay gamble free and waited for 2 uncomfortable months until this problem pass.
Instead I felt more and more pressurize as time passes and did not want to disappoint the family about my helplessness.
I started to lose my HONESTY in RECOVERY. I was not truthful about needing temporary financial help to stay gamble free, I started to entertain gamble thoughts to resolve temporary problem.
I never thought this short-term problem can be long term. I turn it into a long-term problem when I gamble, I did not expect this to happen.
The truth and honesty
Drinking and Gambling is not a problem for most people, but it was a problem for an alcoholic and problem gambler like myself.
The experience – losing control
Whether I am gambling on bacarrat or on football matches, it was just too tiring and exhausting for me doing it long hours and it does not offer me the RISK-FREE and STABLE INCOME I get working for long hours.
In gambling, I need to be at my best, when I am tired, my impatient grow, I will gamble everything and risk everything I had. This never happen when I am working, I continue to earn an income even when my condition was not at its best.
My debt continues to grow when I borrow to gamble every time and losing, whereas my debt reduces every time I repay regardless the amount or size of my income.

I have experience attractive winning especially gambling on bacarrat but watching myself lose control of myself and my life in gambling is very discouraging. The winning I had in the morning maybe lost in the evening on gambling days but those earning I made working honestly for the month remains and I was able to use them responsibly in gambling free days.
Honest Hard Work
I did not want to work very hard for very small salary, there are immediate available daily paid jobs. I could be writing about the satisfaction and joy from honest hard work and how my problem resolve over time, and staying gamble free the easy way but I have chose to learn this valuable lesson the hard way.
I was responsible for my action and facing my consequences now. I will have to work hard for the next 10 months to recover the peace, satisfaction and joy in my life.
The repercussion of my wrong action has now brought me inconveniences for the next 10 months from March to December.

[kin]

Dear dairy

New day one starts today dated 19 Feb 2016.

To stay total abstinent one day at a time.

[kin]

The easy part is stopping, the difficult part is staying stop.

[Author]

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