[kin]

Dear diary
I may be ready and willing to stop but when I have money, I found out yesterday that I cannot control myself from gambling. I need to set up barrier to stop now.
Day one reset to 3 March 2017.

[kin]

Dear diary

It took only 6 months to mess me up mentally, emotionally, and financially.
I hope it will take only 6 month of total abstinent to straighten me up.

Notes
firstly I forgotten that I had enough in Dec 2012, it was a scary transaction amount of more than 250,000 sgd. Any unanswered question I had on football punting was resolved.
secondly any further stupid acts from me today, win or lose is going to increase my anxiety level on the job tomorrow, it will just turn into more mental relapse. This is not appreciated.

[kin]

Dear diary

These sport news is everywhere, I cannot change their presence everywhere but I can change myself.
I glance at one today, I didn’t stare at it yet it still leaves an impression on me so I quickly move on to other things.
I don’t guess and predict the results. I don’t look for the odds to study the risk and possibilities.
Having money and access cash make it trickier, it make me have a strong old familiar feeling and emotion, I feel that I can gamble today. Do you call that an emotional relapse?
I do not have repeated thoughts to gamble. It was just a one time, one second thought and it pass.
I don’t know why but this new job is making me wary and watching my emotion closely.
I have emotion issues and I am afraid of emotional relapse now and go back to old ways.
CBT – emotional relapse causes mental relapse and finally physical relapse.

[kin]

I was still in denial and not ready. I did not have acceptance and not willing to stay stop completely or 100%.

I dislike and do not buy 4d lottery. When I do that, it mean I am already in the desperation mode and that happen today.

I am now willing and ready to stay stop.
I accepted that I cannot drink or gamble and I am going total abstinent.

It was a heartache. I was still fine last September 2016 until my working hour change from night to day and my salary was not paid on time.
The physical relapse did not happen immediately, the emotional relapse happen first in September 2016 and than came the mental relapse later. I struggle for a few months before the physical relapse happen on 11 Jan 2017.

[kin]

Dear diary
After 12 years in recovery. I “Do Not Know” that there was emotional relapse, mental relapse and finally physical relapse. I thought relapse was all about physical relapse.
If there was anything that I am going to take away from this last experience was a new awareness of emotion, mental and physical relapse.
I really wish that I was like any other normal person in my office and I don’t have to go through what I did on the job. After one week on the new job, it has brought back many memories and familiar feeling. Those days I was actively gambling and drinking to cope with these emotions I had.
My choice was very obvious and straight forward, either I learn how to cope with the stress and demand on this job without escaping to drink or gamble or I need to resign from the job if it is becoming too harmful to my recovery.
After 4 days on the job, I was thinking of drinking which is something I do in the past when I have the same feeling, this emotion trigger drinking thought.
I wonder if this is what they refer to emotion relapse and mental relapse. The physical relapse didn’t happen because I turn to food, movie and sleep to distract myself.
I gamble today. I did not enjoy the gambling feeling on football.
I also remember the same gambling feeling on bacarrat recently, I didn’t like it.
Either there was more fear feeling than excitement, or I was numb more than enjoyment
I did not enjoy the gambling feeling when I win and it was worst when I lost.
It is obvious this is something I can live without.
I allow the relapse to continue because I was struggling with “denial” and acceptance that I can no longer gamble or drink.
I was in a denial mode recently. I want to gamble some more and cannot accept that I cannot do it no more.
Everything happen for a reason, I was hoping that this new job was something good to happen to me, job and income stability but I only discover that job of this nature was harmful to my recovery and no more suitable for me.
I will have to seek help from my mentor, the counsellor and God to pick up new coping skill otherwise I will have to leave this job.

[kin]

Dear diary

Today was my first day on the new job, my new schedule allow me to attend meetings after more than a month.

In the meeting tonight, I met a young person in early recovery who want to stop but gamble again soon after a relapse. He was suffering and question why.

It was easy for me to describe what is happening to me, I have just relapse not long ago, I will experience the same intense craving and strong urge to gamble when I go abstinent in early recovery after I have make the decision to stop gambling, it was no difference for me.
Some call it withdrawal, some call it cold turkey, some feel so unsafe that they could not do it on their own, they actually get warded in hospital or stay in rehab during this period.
What was it like if I don’t gamble, well I will feel very irritable and my mind will be restless, the gambling thought keep replaying itself like a spoilt tape recorder, it come and go away, come back again and go away, it will not go away until I gamble, not gambling causes me great stress and anxieties, I may become impulsive and panic, pressing the self destruction button.
However I knew what to expect, I no longer question why I still have strong urges and craving when I go abstinent in early days. I am actually prepared for it.
The longer I stay abstinent, the weaker the urge and craving.
Only dead man have no thoughts and feelings. As long as I am alive, I will have thoughts and feelings but that doesn’t mean I need to follow them and gamble.
I cannot comment about others or GA which suggested 90 meeting in 90 days. I am very sure from many past personal experiences that my thought and feeling will stabilize, my action would align with them after staying abstinent for more than 180 days.
In the early days, it was just crazy and does not made sense, thinking was distorted and irrational, thought, feeling and action are not in line, it was total insanity.
In the meanwhile, it was best I ignore my gambling thoughts and feelings regardless of the justification and excuses, the hope I get feels very real but it is not the truth. I don’t have to act it out, best to let the thoughts and feelings pass.

[kin]

Dear dairy
My Thought on my last relapse:
The benefit of not gambling was a long term and permanent solution. Gambling should never be an option or solution to any of my problem.

Recently I face a problem and I change my mind, I needed quick money, I feel that gambling can offer me a temporary solution. Why I should gamble become stronger than why I should not gamble at this point of time.
I cannot imagine winning can be a problem, after each gamble, it was one more time and one more time.
My thought before the gamble: One last time, I will stop after I win, and solve my problem.
My thought after I gamble: I won 12k sgd, I did not stop, I wanted one more time.

I saw how my lie of one last time turn into the truth of one more time every single time again.

Gambling has always been I win now but I lost in the end or I lost now and I lost more in the end.

[kin]

Dear diary

I have to write this down. A thought just cross my mind – My recovery must come first.

I never though about this before. My job is not my top life priority now, because if my work is too stressing and demanding, it can jeopardize my recovery and I can lose everything in my life.

I have been blinded all these while, not realizing that my job was an activity I do in recovery. It occupied my time, it take my mind away and keep my mind focus on something not related to gambling, alcohol, food and sex. It also take me away from all the slippery places and people. When I am living sober and not indebted, it is acceptable for me to have a small salary to continue my recovery.

Many times, my elderly mum don’t understand my recovery and her choice of words and tone at this time can be very triggering and hurting to my recovery when I am not working. I react to her words very strongly. I should have been more considerate and understanding. she is old and not literate, I was hurting her and myself.

Today I put myself in her shoes, it seem that she is not telling me to find more money, but she is just worried and wanted me to work, any job and pay is acceptable.

Today is last day on the part time job doing security work, my full time job will be starting on Monday.

I must make sure that losing my sobriety is not an option, I must be ready to made a decision to keep my sobriety and change my job anytime in the future.

Gambling was a trap and a robber, it get me into debt and made me lose the peace, joy and freedom that recovery has return me. This should not happen.

[kin]

Dear dairy
I had a realization yesterday.
I was never ever thankful for any gambling done in the past, simply because I always loses everything at the end in the long run but I was really very grateful and thankful for any gamble free days I had in the last 4 years, because it has given me the opportunity to use the money that I did not use or lose to gambling completely for the right cause. This has only strengthen and given me more hope in the future.
“Do something today that your future self will thank you for.“
I can use this to convince myself to stay gamble free today, I may not be able to see the benefit immediately but I will see the big reward and benefits in the future when all the little things add up later.
Now I have 2 more tools in the bag to help me in decision making.
I remember Charles telling me to “choose to do what is best for me today.”
I have just learnt a new one “Do something today that your future self will thank you for.“
It will help me to made the right decision at the critical moment when I was blind to the benefit of staying gamble free.

[kin]

Dear DNcanada
Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Trust the process.
Let the water settle and you will see the moon and the stars mirrored in the water.

[kin]

Dear diary
When I stop gambling suddenly, I may experience withdrawal and have cold turkey but I still have a choice and I can choose not to follow my strong feeling to gamble:
I have to stop gambling!
I have to stop gambling even when I am not willing to stop gambling.
I have to stop gambling even when I want to gamble.
I have to stop digging the hole further.

I am willing to stop gambling!
I am willing to stop gambling even when I am not willing to stop gambling
I am willing to stop gambling when I want to gamble.
I am willing to stop gambling to repair the hole.

I want to stop gambling!
I stop gambling because I want to stop gambling.
I stop gambling because I am willing to stop gambling.
I want to stop gambling to prevent a new hole

I am still on the same street walking around the hole,
I look forward to the day when I am walking on a different street, there is no hole.

It was about staying gamble free despite the up and down in life.
Gambling is not a solution to any problem.

[kin]

Dear diary
I do not have to listen or worry about what my my irrational and distorted thinking and feeling are telling me to do at all in early recovery as they are not reliable, trustworthy and dependable.
What I thought, see and feel are very deceiving and not real, It may look very real, sound very convincing and tempting to gamble but there was really no reason to do so, I can just ignore them. If I don’t fall for it, if I don’t gamble, it cannot do anything to me.
I had just paid my bills with little money leftover for living expenses today and yet I still have the same gambling thought, it was just habitual.
This problem is temporary. It too shall pass, once I form new habit, it will go away.

[kin]

Dear diary
I needed the practice very much, nothing comes free, the regular practice I put to resist and say No to gambling will prepare me for the future. It will help me to develop the muscle or mental strength and habit to stay gambling free in the future.
Thoughts
It did cross my mind to punt on a football match at 1am with the money I had last night. I am fully aware that these money are mean for paying up my credit card bill.
Consideration of the repercussion if I lost the money has never been the top priority in my decision when I study my risk profile and option.
The main focus has always been on the possibilities of winning, if it is not impossible, I would like to take the risk to made it possible. The winning was too attractive, it offer the quick money I want now.
I was aware that these distorted, irrational thoughts and feelings that I am having nowadays are part and parcel of early recovery, they are not reliable and dependable. I have learn in the past that I still have choices on the action, because I made the final decision to follow or not follow my thought and feeling.
Feeling
I feel like punting on the football match, I desire the additional money from the winning. This is what I want last night.
I feel that it is more important for me to use the same money to pay up my credit card bill instead. This is what I need most.
Action
I do not need to gamble for extra money, the little I have and earning now is enough and sufficient for my living expenses and commitments in the future.
The risk from gambling was too high, I cannot afford them.
I choose not to follow my thought and feeling to gamble on the football match.
One day at a time, I say No to gambling.
Anyway the result is in the news, I would have lost the money if I went ahead to gamble on the match.

[kin]

Dear diary
I check for incoming fund in my bank account today.
What was so interesting and strange to me was my thought and feeling today vs the last time.
The last time I received a thousand dollar, I thought and felt that the money I had was not enough, and wishes for more so I gamble for more money in the end and lost everything.
My situation still remain the same today but when I check and saw a smaller sum this time (880 dollars), I actually thought and felt the money was just nice and enough.
It was sufficient and all will be fine over time. I just need to stay calm, be still, do nothing and wait patiently.
13 days has passed since I started work as a security guard and every day was challenging and hard so far, I had to practice saying NO to my thoughts and feelings and do what I dislike the most. I don’t feel like going to work every day but I still had to go to work.
I was practicing to say “NO” to do what I want immediately and practice doing what I needed the most instead.

[kin]

Dear diary
My suffering was self-inflicted.
I had a strong desire for money that I do not have, and when I do not get it, I become anxious and stress.
“It was actually not important for me to have this money at all ” and I can live without.
Old ways mean finding more money for the purpose of gambling.
Many time after I won, the big winning was always never enough to stop and I always wanted to gamble to win some more.
Many time after I lost, I need more money immediately to gamble some more to repair the damage.
Many time after I lost a big sum of money in a single bet, I will become very angry, impatient, impulsive and will bet everything I had to chase the loss.
The emotions I experience over long hours of gambling can also be very draining and tiring, so much that I wanted to cut short this suffering and bet everything in a single bet.
Many times after I lost everything, I will be shock and disappointed with myself that I actually allow the same thing to happen again.
I never understand how I could allow my winning to turn into losses and I can never understand how I could be so stupid to borrow some more money to gamble and get into debt after losing what I have.
The winning when they do come are not hard earned money.
Winnings are quick money that I do not have to work hard for many months to have them.
I do not want to wait many months and I do not wish to work hard for the money.
Gambling can take long hours, it can be mentally very taxing, exhausting and tiring, when that happen, it was so easy to lose all self-control.
I will not have these problem and troubles if I did not gamble. These suffering and pain are all self-inflicted.

[Author]

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