[kin]

When I was unsafe
I work hard, I do my best working the land if I was a farmer or casting the lines and net if I was a fisherman.
I did not allow what I cannot do to affect what I can do. I could control my effort, I can work hard.
I worked hard and tried my best with no expectation on the result.
I can work hard on the land but I cannot control the weather. I can work hard casting the lines and net but I cannot control the harvest if there is no fish in the water.
Hard work was no guarantee for good harvest, it only increases my chance.
I become patient, and calm. I was not anxious and worry . I realized that there was a power greater than me and that power was not from me. I leave the final outcome to God.
When I was safe.
Yes.. my attitude changed, I was human, and not perfect, I become weaker and not stronger in the process, I started to become self-righteous, I started to justify my good harvest. I feel that I deserve and was worthy of the good harvest because I work hard and was honest, the good harvest was all due to my power, and effort.
I first notice something was wrong when I start feeling anxious and worried on Thursday and Friday, I was afraid that I cannot keep up and deliver the same good performance next week.
Immediately I knew I need help, what I experience was an old familiar feeling, I need to seek the truth and a new way of life.
I used to but no longer need to hit the bottle or slot machine to self-medicate and comfort myself anymore. I need to seek the truth and a new way of life.
There is a power greater than me, and that power is not me.
I need to seek this power greater than me, it was this power that gave me patient, and calm in uncertain and unpredictable days, it was this power that make me feel secure and safe and free me from all worries and fear. It encourages me to be honest and work hard. I could enjoy the peace of mind, regardless whether the harvest was good or not.
The good harvest are testimony that God provides!

[kin]

I am grateful for everything last week.
Everyone have different hobbies, mine happen to be what I am doing at work now. The working hours is helping me to have a more structure lifestyle. The work help me to concentrate and focus on something else beside picking up my first one in alcohol or gambling. It was a wonderful distraction.
My weakness was exposed in good times, I need to practice depending on God more and less on me.
I forgotten that I am powerless over some things, I must handover complete control to a higher power, God in order to have peace, calm and joy.
There is a power greater than me!
Back to one day at a time, doing the next right thing, one baby step at a time.
Do not pick up the first one.

[kin]

15th – 19th May 2017

This was a productive week at work, I felt grateful and contented.

When I begin the new job at the beginning of the week, I had nothing to show, I was very afraid, I had to pray and depend on God for strength and hope. I could only work hard, do my best and leave the rest to God. I was a fisherman at work. I depended on God completely for the final outcome, I don’t control the result, sometime there are no fish in the water.

I knew I can only control my effort, and cannot control the results, so I was not stress and anxious at all because I did not have any unrealistic expectations. I just do my best and cast my lines and net.

But when I was doing all the things right and producing result, I started to think that I can control the result, I start to become self righteous and justify my good performance, I felt that I was deserving and worthy of all the good result because of my hard work.
In the last 2 days, I still continue to work hard but I was doing it differently, I started to have high expectation from hard work and think I can control the final result which prove me wrong, I relied on my power for the result. I even predicted the result. When it didn’t come, it was hard for me to accept the truth that I was powerless, the truth was in a greater power than me! My power is predictable, I can work hard but the result was uncertain and unpredictable, I was powerless over the final outcome. I started to fear, become anxious and worry. It affected me greatly, I was afraid that I cannot produce the good performance I had this week in the next week.

When I was blinded by the good deed I do, I forget all the wrongdoing I did in this life. It was easy for me to forget where I came from and who I really was and become ungrateful and complacent, and fall back into old ways. I did not ask my love one to forgive me and cannot see the need to ask God for mercy and forgiveness. I depended on me more and less on God.

I don’t understand what happen to me ? Is this how I sabotage my life when things is going well. The moment I thought I am powerful in something, I become powerless.

I realized I was powerless over my life. I need to work hard at letting go and let God take control, not work hard and try to control everything.
I have no control over other people, places and things. Trying to do that bring back fear, anxieties, helplessness, worry, misery, suffering and pain into my life.
I am living the same life, doing the same old familiar sales job but trying to do it differently, giving up my old ways and trying new ways.
Thank you God!

[kin]

I did what I know this week. One step, one thing, one day at a time, focus on the present and do the next right thing, do my honest best with no expectation on the outcome. The result will come.
But when the result was not coming in, I continue to stay focus and persevere in doing the next right thing until the results start coming in.
Sure enough, I was soon doing very well but everything changes quickly. I don’t understand why I become complacent and start to struggle on the last 2 days of the week. I started to put in effort with expectation on the outcome. When the result is not coming in, I became impatient and compulsive. I want to quit and stop doing the right thing. I start to lose focus and concentration on the present task.
My anxious obsessive thoughts and feelings took over me, and squeeze out the calm and focus mind I had and need.
It was a good week, but I ended up becoming anxious and fearful that I cannot repeat the same result next week.
The solution was a simple one. I need to repeat doing what I did this week in the following week.
Just do my best, let go and let God … take care of the rest, instead of me trying to fight and control everything. I should have faith and trust God is doing the battle for me.
Time to thank God for everything and ask God for mercy and forgiveness. I need to repent.

[kin]

Just when I start to believe that I am really a good person, I start to lose it and go back to my old ways. I start forgetting who I really was and where I come from.

I start to do things that I regret, something that a righteous man will never do.

[kin]

Dear Geordie

Thank you for the nice words but I need to do this for myself, doing something right going ahead is not going to erase and clear me of all my crimes and wrongdoing in this life.

I need to get my footing right, I need to be honest and very focus, getting down to earth, and humble to lead a fruitful future one little baby step at a time.

I had to start somewhere.

[kin]

I must not allow what I cannot do to affect what I can do

I cannot change the days I gamble in the past but I can do something about staying gamble free in the days ahead.

Doing it right now does not erase away all the wrongs that I have committed in my life … but I can put in my best effort and made a big difference in not making the same mistake in the next 24 hours.

I need to repent and stop making the same mistake that I am capable of stopping.
I need to ask for mercy from God daily.
I need to ask for forgiveness from God, everyone and myself.
I have to start to made amend.

Best regards
Sinner

[kin]

I can choose to focus on

not acting out my self-will for the rest of my life

or

not picking up the first one!

The solution was a simple one

[kin]

Hi Harry,
Thank you for your kind words. I need to be honest to myself, I am not doing this for another person, I am doing this to help myself stay focus on not picking up the first one etc. drink, gamble and many others.
I am grateful everything is not ok but I am ok.

[kin]

Dear diary

Grateful to be alcohol and gamble free for 5 days. 360 days to go!

[kin]

Dear diary

Just a quick update; Grateful to be alcohol and gamble free for 3 days. 362 days to go.

[kin]

Hi Vera
I agrees with you 100%.
fyi, I have manage to stay alcohol free for 1 years and 2 days now, wouldn’t it be nice if I can do the same with gambling.

So the focus shall be alcohol and gambling free together this time. Another 363 days to go before I get a year of gamble free clean time.

Sobriety birthday for both alcohol and gambling is now the same 9 April

[kin]

Dear diary

Grateful to be 2 days alcohol and gamble free.

[kin]

Dear diary
What is worst for me?
Take alcohol and gamble? or gamble?
I have not taken any alcohol for 365 days now.
I will celebrate if I can be alcohol and gamble free for 365 days next.
It just cross my mind that my last day for both drinking and gambling is the same now.
last drink 9 April 2016
last gamble 9 April 2017
It just happen…I didn’t plan it.

[kin]

Wilful

ADJECTIVE
1. (of a bad or harmful act) intentional; deliberate:
“wilful acts of damage”
synonyms: deliberate · intentional · intended · done on purpose ·

2. having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences:

Dear diary
Willfulness is sitting on the problem when action is needed,
– refusing to make the necessary changes.
– Willfulness is giving up my recovery,
– refusing to tolerate the moment, and
– opposite of doing what has been proven to work.
To protect my recovery,
– it is important to be able to distinguish whether my motivation is coming from :
– willingness or willfulness.
I have been willful all these time in the last few months. I was not willing during these times.
Today was beautiful and mysterious, I believe that it must be the higher power speaking because I do not know the word; wilful and it describe me 100 percent.
I hope it is not too late for me to take action now and protect my recovery, I was wilful and the damage has been done, it will take me 10 months if I take action now and very slowly repair the hole.
From this moment onward, am I go to protect my recovery
or am I going to continue to enable my alcohol or gambling dependency?
This new job is making the situation worst because it is feeding my problem by giving me these feeling and emotions that I used to apply self-medication using alcohol and gambling in the old days.

Emotion > alcohol or gamble
I become a slave to the need for alcohol and gamble
I need to break free and pray when I have these emotion. I need God.

[Author]

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