[kin]

When I was sick, my discomfort was shouting so loud that I can only hear my feeling and thoughts. It was so uneasy that I didn’t want to obey the teaching of God anymore. I wanted to drop the cross and run.
I totally forgotten why I go into recovery and carry my cross. I forget about all the pain and consequences of a big gambling loss or a heavy binge drinking.
When I was sick, I can become a very irresponsible and selfish person, my feeling become top priority!!! The interest of my family and love one loses their priority and importance in my life. I cannot sacrifice my own desires to love them, instead I sacrifice them to love me more.
This make me a sicker person than my illness. This is terrible. It make me a very unworthy and undeserving person. Please God have mercy on me.

[kin]

I depended on God for my harvest everyday and was doing the same old familiar job differently now, the result was fantastic!
After more than 6 weeks, I have learnt new ways how to deal with the demand, stress and pressure from my job in a more positive and healthy way. I depended more on God and less on myself. I change.
The usual triggers that I get from the same work I do for many years are disappearing but now another old enemy has come.
When I fall sick, I become impatient, restless and anxious to do something, I could not be still and do nothing.
Did I panic? or was it more impatient?
Either way, the result was the same, I become less mindful of my situation as a result.
It was all about staying calm and doing nothing until the storm has passed. It was about being mindful and at peace with self and doing nothing in the middle of the storm. It become harder when I was suffering from sickness, I could not do it and self destructed; I pressed the self destructive button, and quit total abstinent.
I understand why I do it but I don’t understand why I did not look at the heavy consequences before doing it.
It does not made any sense, I can only use stupidity and insanity to describe my actions. The price is very heavy!
This problem is not going to go away.
As I grow older, I will experience more ailments associated with old age, this problem can only get more and more serious. I am sure it will affect how I think and feel.
I need to learn how and prepare for the days when I was sick and not seek self medication or relief from alcohol and gambling.
I had a strange feeling suddenly, that this is going to be a year where I am going to dedicate a year to seriously work myself in recovery. I need help and feel that I am not ready to help anyone now.

[kin]

I found out recently that the chances I will self-destruct again is still very high. It has been like these all the times unless I learn to do it differently one day.
I KNOW I WILL HAVE TO BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING SELF DESTRUCTIVE INSIDE ME.
It is always when I was sick from an ailment, that I would suffer a relapse from gambling or alcohol. I become impatient, restless and anxious to do something, or anything. This is an internal trigger! Gambling is the most damaging financially and alcohol is the most damaging physically.
THE WORST PART ABOUT SELF DESTRUCTION IS THAT YOU ARE FULLY AWARE OF IT BUT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT.
WHAT ‘S WRONG WITH ME?
I HURT MYSELF ON THE OUTSIDE TO TRY TO KILL THE THING ON THE INSIDE.
I allow myself to fail with out considering the seriousness of the consequences. I cannot imagine how far and how much is the damage. I never think I cannot afford the mistake when I do it. I only need a reason or excuse and I gave myself the permission to go ahead to do it.
Only a recovering addict will understand another suffering addict.

[kin]

My sponsor was right again when he asked me to do the kind of work that I was avoiding, his reason was simple, if I keep running away from it, I will not grow spiritually.

The nature of people and work on this new job was the same but I was ready to change when I return. I am returning to do the same old familiar work but not in a same old familiar way.

I didn’t realized I was practicing step three when my sponsor told me to learn from the lesson of David vs Goliath

Step Three
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

For many years, I thought I understand step 3 until now.

If I had surrender my will and life over to the care of God, I would have handed over the steering wheel to God. I do not try to manipulate and force or control the final outcome anymore.
Since God is fighting the battle for me now, not me. I have nothing to fear. I shall accept anything that God give me. The usual anxiety, fear and worry on the job will slip away.
It is sounded like the Promises in AA, self-pity and self-seeking will slip away.

It has help me to become the person I can only wish but fail all the times.
I realized all the good work was not all due to me and my intelligent , hard work, skill set, and experience, because I am powerless and do not control the final outcome. Any unpredictable change and uncertainty can changes everything and affect the harvest but one thing is certain, and that is a power greater than me who determine the harvest in the end.
I start to recognize the Higher Power at work and offer all the glory and victory to God from the bottom of my heart.

It was no more about “I planned everything”” I make it happen””I was hard working” ” I was good” ” I was better than the rest” It was no more about Me, I, Myself.

The dark force knew my weakness of self-centeredness, pride and ego. It knew how to attack and destroy me.
I believe in God now, the Light has protected and shown me how to become humble and hard working on the new job to counter the attack.

When I was emotionally stable, at peace with myself at work, have joy and freedom in my life, I no longer need to self medicate or seek relief from alcohol and gambling.

I learn about the important of focusing on God from
Mathew 14: 28 – 31
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

My sponsor show me more and share with me about David vs Goliath in the bible that I should focus on God and let God fight the battle for me.

All along, I was doing it wrong; I depended on myself, I was fighting the battle alone all these times, I can win the first one or two battles but the ending was miserable, I always lose the war!

My sponsor have shown me the way to the truth again; to seek God, to develop a closer relationship with God.

God has help me to understand Step Three better.

It has been 5 weeks now since I started practicing letting go of myself and let God do the battle for me. The result was fantastic!

In the past , I would become self-righteous and arrogant during good times, my pride and ego made me complacent, my good times never last.

God has given me a new lifeline and survival skill, I feel that God has make me humble when I could not be humble on my own, I need this to survive in the society.

I am a grateful recovering person. Thank you God, my sponsor, my family and all the people who have help me.

God blesses the humble and resist the proud. (James~4:6)

[kin]

Every disastrous ending starts with:
the harmless and deceptive first bet.
The size and frequency of the bet does not matter because:
the ending is normally the same.

[kin]

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

I had a long day on Monday and Tuesday, I was working hard and feeling tired yet my sales results was not looking good for most part of the day. I was not getting the opportunities I need as I was fishing in a different pond from the rest.
I have a habit of worrying and fearing during this time that I could not reproduce and repeat the same good results.
I was advised to focus on Jesus by my sponsor.
I like to worry and fear but I realized that I have already let go of my will and life to the care of my God and no longer fighting the battle alone.
I trust my God, everything is in God’s hands. I would like to worry and fear but did not sink into the habit instead I was showing patient, calmness and peace that I can only dream of……and just waited for the miracle to happen.
I continue to do the next right thing, one thing at a time, one step at a time and by the time work ended, I have fulfilled the desired result.
I will worry and fear if I was the one fighting the battle. I don’t trust myself and don’t have the confident that I can finish the job.
I have let go and let God fight the war for me.
Glory and victory belong to God! It doesn’t belong to me.

[kin]

It is 9.30pm, time for me to get rest and prepare for week 5th to 11th June 2017.

[kin]

I have to unlearned and learn new ways of doing thing.

Unlearned depending on myself and my own power to get things done and learn to let go completely of myself and depend on a Higher Power to do things for me.

I have started to depend on the Government agency to do the talk for me at work place where I was bullied and force into accepting lies that I do not agree upon when I was not wrong.

There will be times when I will have to let go and trust God, let go and let God handle it when no higher authority in the form of people and agency can help me.

I am nothing and God is everything!

The glory and victory belong to God!

I was not a trouble maker, I only learn to seek the truth in things and it changes my decision in doing things, when all the people in my last company feel that the management was right in not giving out my annual wage supplement of one month salary. I feel that they are lying and seek help. Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right even if no one is doing it.
I found God and a new courage in doing things that I have run away from for many decades. I didn’t accepted the lies that everyone was telling me and did something about it. I approach the Labor Court, my ex employer can lie no more in court and was order to pay me my money within 14 days.
They always say that a sponsor is God’s gift to me. Again my sponsor was right about asking me to go back to the type of work that I was running away from.
In the past, I was fighting alone and depended on myself in the battle. It was tough, I didn’t last, and I lost the war in the end.
I was advised by my sponsor to face Goliath like David, like David, to surrender to God completely and depend on God totally during the fight.
Thank God for this messenger, I was now able to see a new light

[kin]

When I was an active gambler, I always hope very strongly that some things will happen although you know it is not likely.
I hope that I can win enough money to settle the bills, and I will stop gambling. Many times I won, the bills were paid for the month but I never stop gambling, because there is always new bill to pay in the new month and there is always new opportunistic gamble in the not so long future.
Gambling winnings was real quick money and little hard work is required. It is a very attractive form of finding money. The temptation, the lure, the false hope is all very strong.
I hope that I can gamble one more time and stop. When I win, I did not stop because I want to win some more. When I lost, I did not stop because I hate the feeling of losing my money, I want to win it back and continue gambling.
When I do not have enough money, I hope that by gambling, I can grow the money but most of the time, I lost everything ending with no money and even more problems than before.
Every disaster starts with the harmless and deceptive first bet, regardless of how much surplus fund I had, the size of the bet, the frequency of the bet and the type of gamble. The ending for me was all the same.

[kin]

Almost everything about work was perfect for the week until…..
As usual on Thursday and Friday, I was feeling very tired at work but I was still very mindful and was taking baby steps, doing the next right thing, one thing at a time.
As hard as I try, I was still powerless and unmanageable over some things, recovery has never been perfect for me.
Fatigue and tiredness lower my patient and tolerant to people, place and thing.
I was well behaved and never left my seat at work.
Unfortunately, a strange colleague was sneaking around me, he was causing a great distraction, disturbance and inconvenient to me for a few days until I lost my patient and tolerant with him on Friday.
I was serving a difficult customer, this person sneak behind and was breathing down my neck watching me work without my consent. I reacted and exploded with anger for his inconsideration. I told him not to do it again, his behavior was affecting me very badly.
When I was abusing substance and gambling, over reacting and exploding in anger was common, now I was not using but I am still impulsive although I was grateful it is not so serious anymore, but it can still get me into trouble.
When I was tired, my patient and my tolerant level can be low, I can be careless and make mistakes I regret.

[kin]

Its 6 am now, I just woke up from a dream. I was able to see and talk to someone I miss in the dream.

Thank God its Friday. I am glad today was the last working day for the week. I needed the break over the weekend to really take a good rest.

I am learning to focus and concentrate on this new job. I am returning to doing the same old familiar job but not in the same old familiar way.

Ever since I started this job, I have been praying to God daily, it has help me to refocus and remind myself to surrender my will and live to the care of God.

When I focus on Christ more, I focus on myself less.

To not depend on my power at work but to relied and depend completely on a power greater than myself, God.

All glory and victory belong to God.
I am nothing and God is everything!

[kin]

Every disastrous ending starts with:

the harmless and deceptive first bet.

The size and frequency of the bet does not matter because:

the ending is normally the same.

[kin]

Doing the same old job but not using the same old familiar way.
It was about seeking the truth and change.
I am preparing for week 29th May to 4 June 2017
I must not forget who I am and where I come from. I may do the right thing but nothing I do can erase all the wrong doings I have done in this life time.
I need God to help me, I need mercy , grace and forgiveness from God.
There is a power greater than me and that power is not me!
In the last 8 weeks on this new job, I have already face rejection by others. I cannot control what others think about me and I did not plan to allow the things I cannot do to affect the things I can. I work hard.
It was only 10 days ago when I caught myself drifting into my old ways when I credit all the good work to ME (I was good), ME (hard working) and ME (skillful). The dark force knows how to attack me, just feed my pride and ego until I become complacent. This good feeling was very short, and soon it turn into fear, anxiety and worries and robbed me of any peace, patient and calm I had . I am very relieved now, somehow I realized that I was doing it wrong, I was depending on myself to fight the battle alone and I was falling back to old ways. I immediately work harder on letting go of myself and let God, depended fully on God to fight the battle in the following week.
I tried harder to focus and concentrate on my Higher Power. I tried harder to let go of myself and surrender completely to God. Any good work now is not from me.
I have seen the power and victory.
The good work is catching the attention of many. People who did not talk to me are coming to chat with me, I am getting lot of praise and flattery words at work now.
Thanks to God and brother Jordan, sister Vera, I was advised to learn how to live in humility.
I am nothing and God is everything!
God bless the humble and resist the proud!
I cannot afford to be complacent.
There are already people I highly respect at work who encourage and tell me it is ok to gamble on sport and take alcohol with him. Satan do disguise themselves as angel

[kin]

Sometimes when the management keep repeating the same lies, and after some time, almost everyone in the company start believing in it.
I knew they were lying but I am powerless and was nothing alone, no one believe me, I resign from the company.
I turn to the government agency to seek help, it was such a straight forward case, there was no dispute, the court still gave my ex-boss the chance to prove otherwise but he was powerless in front of the judge, there was nothing he could do except to accept the court order to pay me my one month annual wage supplement.
That is the power of seeking the truth! In the past, I would have accepted the lies or wrongs because everyone is doing the same thing and drop the matter. Today I learn that wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right, even if no one is doing it.
I was working hard in this new company. There are people in this company that I knew in the past who didn’t say a word to me. I notice what is happening but I didn’t feel hurt and was not affected, these are people who think I couldn’t make it because they are confident and doing well in the company.
I only did my part, I was responsible for working hard; ploughing the land or casting the lines and dropping the net into the water, that is all I can do, I don’t determine the harvest.
I am nothing, God is everything!
I tried to focus and concentrate harder on surrendering to my Higher Power, I tried harder to let go of myself and stop fighting the battle myself. Let Him fight the battle for me.
Slowly my number grow and was doing well on my first month. When my number was bigger than these people who didn’t want to speak to me, they start becoming friendly and talk to me.
The glory and victory belong to God!

[kin]

Dear Vera,
I discovered that I was blinded by my own hard work, skill, knowledge, ability and power. I didn’t know that I was actually fighting my own battle. It never lasts, it will come to point when it become so heavy and I crumble.

This time I am learning to let go of the steering wheel, surrendering to a Higher Power and let God fight the battle for me.

I am learning not to fear, not to be anxious and worry, sister.

I was really nothing and God is everything!

[Author]

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