[kin]

Dear Vera

When I have the awareness. I can remember. But that was not always the case and with that lion alway waiting to devote the stray one like me only make the matter worst.
However I was still grateful to be in recovery but I know that I will always remain a broken clay pot and an imperfect person in life, and in recovery.
Whenever I depend on myself, I always get into all kind of troubles.
I need to keep my eye always on God…
Anyone can focus on God any time but the tough part was staying focus on God all the time.

[kin]

Daily practice:
Acceptance, tolerance, patience, love, commitment, letting go, trusting a Higher Power greater than me more, trusting myself less

1. Make life easier for me when I was sick for most of this week, 2. looking after mum who was bedridden for 2 days, 3. dealing with an ex employer who lied about my wages again, 4. handling the high challenges at work.

Fear, anxiety, panic, worry was check daily to keep them manageable. Mindfulness and awareness is stronger now.
There is calmness, and feeling of gratitude and contentment in my life this week, it was an honest and good week. Thank God!

[kin]

It just cross my mind, these are the reasons for my last 3 relapse.

1. Financial And Emotional stress due to delayed and unpaid salary (Dec 16-Feb17) plus heavy financial commitment and obligations.
2. Mental stress from unrealistic expectation of my ex employer to deliver his promise. (Between April 17 to June 17)
3. Physically stress from failing health – I fall sick (weekend of 16 June17)

Bad Decision: I should listen to myself less.
Truth: My life would have been better without the gambling and alcohol.

l Need To Be More Prepared On What To Do Next
I have shown low level of acceptance, tolerant, patient and commitment during these life trials.
Essential spiritual qualities in recovery.

[kin]

“Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. ” ~ John Wooden

Why I relapse
I was intolerant over things that I cannot change.

(Action Plan) – What I can do
I do not have the character strength and courage in recovery that can comes from practicing these spiritual principles:
Honesty, Acceptance, Hope, Commitment, Faith, Willingness, Humility, Unconditional love, Patience, Perseverance, Open-mindedness, Awareness, Vigilance, Self-discipline, God-Centeredness, Sharing and caring, Forgiveness, Optimism, Selflessness, Compassion, Consideration, Kindness, Positive thinking, Responsibility, Tolerance, Trust, Unity, Gratitude and Service.

“We never have to use again, even if we want to”.

[kin]

Dated 3 July
Accept
(1) I am having a cold and sore throat today.
(2) My ex employer told me that my wages has been paid and I will receive them either on Friday last week or Monday today but it didn’t happen.

Tolerant
(a)The Court has order my ex employer to pay me. I have waited for the money for more than a month now. I have experience emotions like disappointment, frustration, anxiety and powerlessness during these time.
I accept that it was ok to feel not ok. I am not perfect, I am only human. I need to learn to be patient and wait without doing anything stupid. They will pay me one day.
(b)Without this payment from my ex employer, my life is not going to turn for the worst. I do not need to panic and I can wait.

Heavy Consequences
Pressing the self-destructive button in a panic will definitely makes things worst. Stupidity and anger has cause me to lose or spend huge sum of money, it is not worth it.

Letting Go
(a) I am grateful to have a job and an income now. I don’t need to change thing.
(b) It was my expectation of things, when it is not met, I get frustrated and disappointed. I become impatient, I want to change things. I was unforgiving and want thing to be on time. I need to change my attitudes in life and learn to let go of unrealistic expectations.
(b)There is no need to gamble to fix thing or take alcohol to feel good.
(c) I needed the extra money very much to pay my outstanding bills quickly but I am glad and thankful that I have is enough to cover the bill every month slowly.
(d) first day of the month is so important for my sales. I have second thought and fear about resting when I am sick but if I do not rest and recover, I will be sick for more days and the damage will be bigger in the end.
Faith
Everything will be fine in the end.
Trust
There is a greater power than me!

I am nothing and God is everything!

I accept that I have make many mistakes in the past. I cannot change my past.
My future start with taking one baby step at a time, one day at a time to do the next right thing.
Recovery is a spiritual program.

[kin]

I admitted and accepted that I have an addiction
I need to constantly practice:

Acceptance and Faith in a Higher Power
Acceptance and tolerance
Acceptance and letting go
Acceptance and forgiveness
Acceptance and commitment

I need to apply them when facing life on life’s term especially when I am weak and sick or tired, discontented, frustrated, impatient and impulsive. I do not need to gamble or take alcohol to improve my life.
I only need to Trust a Higher Power more and myself less that everything will be fine in the end.

[kin]

God Resist The Proud, But Gives Grace Unto The Humble.

James 4:6

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There is a power greater than me. I am nothing and God is everything.
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If you are humble, nothing will touch you, neither praise or disgrace, because you know what you are.
If you are blamed, you will not be discouraged.
If they call you a saint, you will not put yourself on a pedestal. ~ Mother Theresa~
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We learn humility through accepting humiliation cheerfully ~ Mother Theresa~
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It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angel.~ Saint Augustine~
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Pride is concerned with who is right.
Humility is concerned with what is right. ~Enzra Taft Benson

[kin]

There are things that I have totally no control at all in life. I still cannot recognize everyone of them, sometime I made the mistake of trying to change something that I cannot control.

I will gamble for a quick fix and I drink to feel good.

In life, bad things can happen to good people who did no wrong, yet these good people don’t gamble for a quick fix or drink to escape the stress, pain and frustration.

Obviously there was something wrong with me.

I was not prepared for the burden, suffering and pain in recovery. When the load get too heavy and hot, I will drop everything and run. I did not want to finish the job.

[kin]

New found attitude at work
My attitude change, I was willing to accept any result good or bad that God give me, I do not try to change things. When the harvest was bad, I did not press the panic button, I remain hopeful. I stayed calm, positive, focus and hardworking… I trust God. The familiar anxiety, fear and worry from the job disappear. The ending was a fruitful and plentiful one.
It took this new experience at work to teach me a new lesson in recovery. I did not have the same and correct attitude towards life and nature. I realize that I have a poor attitude in recovery
When the condition in my recovery changes and when I started to feel stress, pain and suffering. I will become impatient, frustrated and prone to pressing the self-destructive button.
I become impulsive and cannot remember that I don’t need a drink or gamble to improve my life now and I totally forgotten all the heavy consequences from my past heavy gambling losses and binge drinkings.
This time it happens on the 16 June 2017. I was sick from a throat infection confirmed by the doctor. I was not feeling well and pressed the self-destructive button. I give up recovery. I pick up my first drink after more than a year free from alcohol, I didn’t binge, I only had 3 glasses and I stop. I have also lost money that I could use for better purpose over the same weekend on football punting.
I say that I would surrender my will and life over to the care of God in my recovery but when I was feeling unwell, everything changes.
I would try to change thing, I cannot accept feeling unwell. I took over the control of the steering wheel and change my mind about not drinking or gambling.
I did not have the acceptance of any result that God give me in recovery.
If I do not feel good, I will try to change what God give me. I will use alcohol to feel good and gamble for a quick fix.
My will-power and focus become weak and my recovery become vulnerable when I was sick.
I need to learn:
To have Acceptance of any result that God give me in recovery.
To be Tolerant and Patient of the painful and suffering bad days.
I do not need to drink or gamble. I should Trust God.
I must stop listening to myself immediately and start to listen to a Higher Power.

[kin]

I was just following direction. My mentor has encourages me to seek the truth and show me the way.
I was advise to return to work in an industry that I was avoiding. I avoided this job because I was worried and concern that the work and the people on this job will trigger me back to gambling and alcohol use.
3 months has passed since I actually started work on this new job. My mentor was right again. When I let go of self completely and let God fight the battle for me. I experiences a power greater than my myself at work. It was beyond my expectation to become one of the top salesperson almost immediately. All the victory and glory goes to God.
When I return to a familiar old job, my old habit returns, the craving for alcohol on a Friday and gambling over the weekend was there in the first 2 week and in the first month of selling but when I continue to do the same old familiar job in a different ways, slowly a new lifestyle and habit is forming, one without a need for relief from alcohol and gambling.
There was a turning point and breakthrough, I was doing well at work in the first two week of selling, but I was shocked as my satisfaction and happiness was short lived, and turn into fear, anxiety and worry, I was so worried and anxious that I could not repeat the same good results in the following weeks. It was at this point that I notice I was on the driver seat. I had taken over the steering wheel and controlling everything.
I remember and decided to handover my will and life over to the care of God again and life at work begin to change.
My attitude change, I was willing to accept any result good or bad that God give me, I do not try to change things. When the harvest was bad, I do not press the panic button, I remain hopeful. I stayed calm, positive, focus and hardworking, I trust God. The familiar anxiety, fear and worry from the job disappear.
I have not seen my mentor to share and update him the victory that has taken place in the last 3 months.
My mentor has ask me to seek personal growth by returning to face the work I was avoiding. He wanted me to learn from David vs Goliath.
All praise to God. The management team like the worker they see in the “new” me. They say that they would like to hire more mature people like me but they didn’t know I was a recovering addict.
The reality was all the challenges that I still face in recovery now. I still have many problems; weakness, blind spots, slip and fall.
If I cannot accept any result that God give me in recovery and if I try to take control every time and change thing when the going was tough, difficult, stressful and painful, I will continue to relapse because there always be bad days in recovery.
Right now I just have to accept my struggles and imperfection in recovery.
I must pick myself up every time I fall and moves on with life and recovery.

[kin]

For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if you live by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.

Just like the AA Recovery Paradoxes

We DIE TO LIVE.
When we work at our Twelve Steps, the old life gradually dies, and we acquire a different and a better way of life. We in AA die to live.

We SUFFER TO GET WELL.
There is no way to escape the terrible suffering of remorse and regret , shame and embarrassment which starts us on the road to getting well from our affliction. It is painful but necessarily. . . We suffer to get well.

[kin]

One baby step at a time
Do the next right thing
One thing at a time
One day at a time…as the recovery slogan saying goes

“Do too many things in too little time.”
This is the reality in my everyday life now, I need to:
Focus on God
Focus on my recovery
Focus on loving my family
Focus on my work
Focus on my finance
Focus on my health
I am afraid that I failed miserably at doing all the above at the same time.
I find stability and good progress when I was focusing on one thing only.
I am doing well at work currently but my recovery and love for family have suffered.
I am learning how to depend on God to fight the battle for me but I still do not know how to allow God to fight all the battles for me at the same time.
When I was stress, worried and fearful at work, I surrender my will and live over to the care of God
But when I was sick and suffering, I turn to self medication in alcohol and gambling.
When I focus on myself more, I focus on God and my family less.
I did not trust and obey God in all areas of my life especially in finance.
I slip into an old habit of listening to myself, it will destroy me, I must let go of self completely…
Every crisis, I have turn to God but it was the little things in life that expose me!
I have not yet learn how to trust and accept anything God give me in all areas of my life especially family, work, finance, sickness, suffering and pain.
I was able to focus on God, family and recovery only.
When I start to focus more on work, finance, my sickness…sadly I focus less on God, my family and recovery.
I did not honor my family, I compromise on my recovery, I did not obey and follow God teaching and didn’t accept what God give me. I tried to change things and I failed.
I need to make a turn to the right direction….(Turning Point)
I must learn from all these experiences….(Breakthrough)
I cannot do this alone, I need help….(Helping Hand)
I need to be grateful for what I have….(Gratitude)
I do not have many good years left…(God ‘s grace and mercy)
I need God.

An acquaintance in my age group was feeling very tired easily and see a doctor in May 2017. He was diagnose with liver cancer stage 4. He died in June 2017. He left behind a wife and 2 very young children. Life can change suddenly overnight. It could happen to anyone.

[kin]

I happen to be behind 2 person who wanted to start a fight today. An elderly man provoked the younger one with words. The younger one was the more physical and hot blooded one.
In the old days, I would have taken a step back and watch the fight but things are the same and different in many ways now. I didn’t even notice it until it happen.
My weakness to addiction remain the same and little has change, I didn’t notice the strength that is growing in other areas in recovery.
When the younger one started to reach for the older man and the older one started to push him away, I step in between both person and push them away on the chest. I quickly tell the younger man that it is not worth it to be put behind bar because of this, I warn him the serious consequences of this behavior, I even told him the whole incident was captured by the camera. I witness the older man starting this fight and told him to mind his own business and leave the other man alone.
The younger one realize his rash and impulsiveness behavior, he calm down and thank me before walking away.
I have time to reflect this incident over a cup of hot coffee later, I can intervene and stop others but when I was triggered and behaving like a runaway truck, I cannot see my serious consequences and could not stop myself.
I really really wish there is someone there to intervene and stop me. I know this was not possible, my only hope is God. I need help! I need to turn to God.

[kin]

I fall sick last week and press the self-destruction button, otherwise life is good.

Another week coming to an end, God is good.

Thank God Its Friday!!!

[kin]

I was thinking…

It has happen so many uncountable times. After each painful relapse now, I have already developed a defense and survival mechanism where:
I can block out the thought or numb my pain,
I can pretend nothing had ever happen, or
I can act like anything has ever happen,
I would focus on something so hard that I could forget about what had just happen.

Why didn’t I apply the same thing when I was sick and suffering before I relapse.

[Author]

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