[kin]

Addiction is CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS.

We were burnt so badly so many times when we hold on to a burning hot iron. We have learnt our lesson but the addiction inside us still want to hold the burning hot iron again.

Our head keep telling us that this time will be different, we will be careful next time but we still get burn again.
If this is not CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS, I don’t know what to call it. I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result.
Addicts have (ISM) Incredible Short Memory.

I am beginning to enjoy this gentle reminder to myself

[kin]

12 years ago, I saw this recovery slogan
We are RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EFFORT, not the outcome.
What does responsible for the effort means to me?
I was not required to like it , I am only required to DO IT.
12 years later, I see this
We are responsible for the effort, NOT THE OUTCOME.
Wow!
It was telling me today that there is a greater power than me, and to accept anything that God gives me, it was all about living life on life ‘s term.

[kin]

I was so grateful that the week and month ended well. It has been challenging. There are many new changes at work.

1. The company started a people management program and threaten to terminate staff who could not perform.
2. Our Quality Assurance team started a penalty grid system that threaten to reduce our commission.
3. I have to learn a new product, much time and effort is required.

I was so glad that I choose to slow down in the middle, it has allow me to recollect myself otherwise I was drifting and losing myself. I don’t like to return to the old me.

It is only a job, if this job threaten my recovery, I am ready to change job.

This month was made harder

4. my 87 years old mum suddenly fall very sick and was bed ridden for 2 days, it was very worrying. Thank God she recovers and was eating and able to walk now.

5. my ex employer has cheated me since end May 17 about paying me my overdue one month wages. They have been lying and making it very difficult for me to claim my one month wages. It was painful for me when they continue to give false hope, empty promises and each time for me to discover it was a lie. Thank God, they finally paid me the money on 27 July 2017. It was over due by more than 7 months.

I thought all the anxieties in life this month came from my work but that was not the case, I notice how my mum ‘s health and the expectation of the money which never came from my ex employer was stressing me a lot.

I slept much better on 27 July 2017 than any other days in the month when I receive my long overdue wages and paid my credit card bill immediately. The burden disappear and the peace has return, all the resentment and anxieties was gone.

It was same and simple but important message from my sponsor and a facilitator of a 12 step workshop :
Don’t trust myself, don’t listen to my head….

[kin]

The facilitator of the 12 step workshop and my mentor both said the same thing to me.

Never listen to my head, there are many mickey mouse, donald duck and pluto running inside…Don’t trust myself. Trust only God.

[kin]

Addiction is CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS.

We were burnt so badly so many times when we hold on to a burning hot iron. We have learnt our lesson but the addiction inside us still want to hold the burning hot iron again.

Our head keep telling us that this time will be different, we will be careful next time but we still get burn again.
If this is not CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS, I don’t know what to call it. I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result.
Addicts have (ISM) Incredible Short Memory. I Sell Myself. I Sabotage myself.

[kin]

Gratitude _ I am grateful to have a job and a stable income now. I am doing better than I expected.
Anxiety and Contentment_I am beginning to struggle and finding trouble sleeping normal now after 3 months on the new job. I am feeling more uneasy and restless, less relax end of the day. The unpleasant feeling of fear and worry is growing in my life.
Fear that I am not performing well at work which is not true, because my quota was 13k a month but I produced 15k in less than a month on my first month, 20k on my second month, I have already completed 13k this month with a week to go.
Worry that I cannot hit my quota which is not true because I have exceeded my minimum quota but I want More. This is why I am a addict, I want More and More, it was always never enough and a sign of an addict ‘s unrealistic expectation.
Feeling insecurity was a part and parcel of the job, they threaten termination if we cannot hit our quota. FEAR OF LOST of job is driving people to work harder.
In the beginning, it was a DESIRE FOR GAIN from job and income security that was driving me to work hard but I didn’t know that my driving factor have change to FEAR this month.
On some days at work, business was real poor despite all the hard work, not every day is good just like living life, there are some really bad and difficult days in between the good days.
Real Threat
I have survived and done well at work because I am doing the same job in a different way at work but I have not used what works for me at work to my personal life.
I was doing the same job and living my life in the old way when I was active acting out. It was insanity and total madness for me to do the same thing and expecting a different result. 3 months has passed since I return to making cold calling in selling. The emotional roller coaster in my life while on this job is threatening to destroy my personal life.
Solution
The solution was not easy but it is simple. There are two power greater than me fighting inside me now. I only need to choose one of the 2 power greater than me, God or my Addiction.
The lesser I listen to God, the more I will listen to me and my addiction, the more powerful it will grow. I get into all kind of troubles when I listen to me.
I need to stay focus on letting God fight the battle for me. I need to have complete trust and give total surrender to God. I have practice it almost daily for 3 months at work, it has done wonder for me. It is time to do the same thing across my life.
I Am Ready_I am ready to accept anything that God gives me in life .I am ready to accept living life on life’s term in recovery.
Recovery is not easy but it is simple_ONE DAY AT A TIME
Today I only need to TRUST GOD, surrender my life and will completely to the care of God. I must accept anything that God gives me in life. It is living life on life ‘s term.
Recovery is an action plan. I must practice ;
ACCEPTANCE & TOLERANT OF ANY DISCOMFORT, PAIN AND SUFFERING,
ACCEPTANCE & PATIENCE, BE STILL- I DO NOT NEED TO INTERVENE OR CHANGE ANYTHING,
ACCEPTANCE & LOVE – UNCONDITIONAL GIVING AND SELF SACRIFICE
ACCEPTANCE & COMMITMENT TO STAY STOP ALL THE WAY REGARDLESS OF THE CONDITIONS – ON SOME DAYS THERE WILL BE UNEASINESS AND DISCOMFORT, THERE WILL BE STRESS, FRUSTRATION, ANGER, PAIN AND SUFFERING….
Dishonesty – I have my OFF DAY in RECOVERY. I have not been honest, I have listen to my head and give in to my desire when the urge and temptation was strong.
I told myself; This time, the result will be different, I will be more careful.
ISM
I sold myself
I sabotage myself
Incredible Short Memory – After getting into troubles so many times, I can still forget the extreme pain and suffering it brings me when I hit rock bottom, it is so SHOCKING but TRUE for any addict.
Recovery is an action plan
It was useless if I have acceptance but do nothing about my intolerant, impatient, selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, impulsive, compulsive ways…

[kin]

For many years out of my 12 years in recovery, I was practicing total abstinent one day at a time. At first it was real simple, I just have to go total abstinent.
I was honest in the beginning. I did not cheat when I go abstinent BUT I relapse time and time again. I could not handle those many setback in life.
I had relied on ME, I, MYSELF , My Power to do recovery, I had tried to correct and change things whenever there were setback, it never work. I crumble under all the weight and disappointments.
I did not know how to depend on a GREATER POWER than me in recovery, I did not accept that I was POWLERLESS over my GAMBLING and ALCOHOL.
I was not humble and honest enough to surrender completely to God, Gambling, Alcohol and my many addictions. GOD and the DEVIL in my addiction are a GREATER POWER than ME.
I became so POWERLESS and HELPLESS when I was Gambling and using Alcohol. This awareness make me real small.
I have struggled and do not know how to live life on life ‘s term in recovery ever since August 2005.
But since April to July 2017, I have turn to a greater power than myself everyday.
I choose to TRUST and allow God to fight the battle for me everyday. I was prepared to accept anything that God gives me and many times it did not turn out the way I wanted.
I have learn to ACCEPT and TOLERATE them, I do not try to intervene, I do not runaway anymore from the pain, suffering and discomfort. It was living life on life ‘s term.
In recovery, my God come first, my family second and me last. Giving myself less importance and teaching myself HUMILITY in life has improve the quality of my recovery. HUMILITY protect me from PRIDE and SHAME N DISGRACE. HUMILITY keep me GRATEFUL.
HONESTY, HUMBLE, HUMILITY PROTECT ME FROM COMPLACENCY, TEMPTATIONS and TRIGGERS.

[kin]

I have attended his (anonymous) 12 steps workshop on and off for 12 years now. Today it feels very STRANGE. I find the message he carry today was the BEST. I was glad to be in the workshop today. This is what I need to hear in these 12 years.
……………………….
How many more times do I want to RELAPSE before I stop?
I am VERY SICK of relapse each time. I do not wish to relapse again and ready to stop today.
………………………
Why did I relapse?
I was NOT HONEST about stopping. I told myself if I GAMBLE OR TAKE ALCOHOL NEXT TIME, IT WILL BE DIFFERENT, I WILL BE CAREFUL THIS TIME.
I should NOT have listen to what my mind tell me.
—————————————-
I am ready to STOP . I am ready to be HONEST, HUMBLE and live life with HUMILITY….Otherwise ISM will hit me:
ISM = Incredible short memory
ISM = I sell myself
ISM = I sabotage myself

INCREDIBLE SHORT MEMORY
How many times have I been burnt real bad when I gamble or drink.
Have I learn my lesson after so many times. Of cos I have learn my lesson because they hurt and are real painful each time.
Yet the addict inside me still want to gamble.
I tell myself that it will be DIFFERENT THIS TIME, I will be more CAREFUL NEXT TIME.
ADDICTION is CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS.
I keep doing the SAME THING expecting a DIFFERENT RESULT.
I was burnt real bad so many times holding on to a burning iron. Of cos I have learnt my lesson but that crazy addiction inside my head still want to hold the burning iron again.
My head keep telling myself that this time will be different, I will be more careful, I will be all right but I still get burn again. If this is not CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS, I don’t know what to call it.
———————————–
This question my honesty in recovery. I need to be honest about stopping acting out. If I am using or acting out in anyway, I am not honest to self. I need honesty to do recovery.
————————————————
TODAY I RENEW MY COMMITMENT ON THIS DAY DATED 23 JULY 2017 TO BE HONEST TO SELF, BE HUMBLE TO GOD AND MY ADDICTION AND LIVE WITH HUMILITY ONE DAY AT A TIME.

[kin]

It has been a good week, but it was tiring
Especially on Thursday and Friday, I can feel that I do not
Stay focus and work hard.

It was all about complete surrender of my will and life over to the care of God.
It was all about trusting God and accepting anything that God give me.have the stamina to carry on anymore until end of the day.
I was really taking one baby step at a time.

It was all about acceptance and tolerant, live and let live.
Humility protect me from pride and disgrace.
Love and grace protect me from jealousy
Gratitude and contentment protect me from envy

There is a power greater than me and it is not me.
Thank you God for everything!

[kin]

What has the power to change my mind?

Impatient & greedy
Insecurity & fear

[kin]

This Is the first time I am writing about the big “D”
Some call it addiction, some call it sin, some call it temptation, some call it the big “D”. Every second, it is trying to take over my life.
I experience the powerful big “D” tonight, it managed to change my mind and it brings back many old memories in the past when it come out to seek and destroy. I recognize the same power tonight.

I didn’t know the dark side was so POWERFUL, I didn’t know it can intervene what I was doing right and change my mind to do wrong. On the surface, it looks like temptation but it was the big “D” behind everything. It stop me at the critical moment when I was going ahead to do the right thing.

On the surface
When I was over power and possessed by it, I cannot THINK clearly, I cannot SEE clearly. I couldn’t STOP when I want to go ahead to do the wrong thing but I STOP when I wish to do the right thing.

Under the skin
When I want to go ahead to do the right thing, something intervene and stop me. I want to do the right thing but it was so POWERFUL , it can change my mind. I don’t want to do the wrong thing but it was so POWERFUL, it can change my mind.

If there was light, there must be darkness but I was not mindful and aware of this dark force so I never give the dark side THE ATTENTION IT DESERVE. I have never put in any effort to FIGHT the dark side. I never thought I need to. I never thought that it was that POWERFUL. I never thought it can stop me or change my mind. I knew so little about the dark side.
I thought since I knew the light, I was safe from the dark sides and I do not need to FIGHT the dark force. I was so naïve and so wrong.
The dark side is a very scary powerful force. It can suck and PULL ME OUT to try and destroy me.
There was two power that was greater than me. The dark force was a power much greater than me. I need protection from A GREATER POWER in GOD.

[kin]

When my mentor told me to learn from the lesson of David vs Goliath; I didn’t know what to expect.
For 3 months at work, I let God fight the battle for me. I stop depending on myself. I had to practice complete trust and surrender to God daily, and accepting any thing that God give me.
It was a blessing in disguise!
I had to practice complete trust and handing over my will and life over to the care of God all the way at work. I didn’t know I was practicing step 3 in recovery.
I have done it long enough to see the similarities in the feeling and emotion I had at work and in recovery.
I have learnt that trusting God and accepting anything that God gives me at work was the same as living life on life ‘s term in recovery.
I didn’t expect the lesson I learn in David vs Goliath help me strengthen my understanding of step 2 and 3 in 12 steps recovery.
Step 2; came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3; made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
I have struggle to live life on life ‘s term in recovery for 12 years.
I am very happy to learn what it mean for me to live life on life’s term now, it was about accepting any thing that God give me.
I can remain peaceful, calm, grateful and contented while practicing tolerant, patient, love and commitment all the way.
I do not need to panic and become impulsive, I do not need to change anything. I do not need to take over the control of the steering wheel, I only need to have strong faith that everything will be fine and learn to accept the things I cannot change.
I only need to trust God. Amen!

[kin]

Hi Kathryn,
It did not felt the same on that morning. I lost my peace and tolerant, I was more affected than usual.
My awareness was not like this all the times, I can remember many periods in my life that I lost myself totally, I was blind to what is happening and get into all sort of troubles.
If I did not put in an effort and try to make adjustment to myself, if I continue to make the mistake of only focusing on the problem and losing my focus on recovery, these problem can grow serious and take control of me. My awareness and mindfulness would be heading down hill, I wouldn’t be able to see that I am getting into trouble.
It was all about changes, things around me change and it makes me very uncomfortable, many times I do not adapt to changes quick enough.
I can either allow the latest change to destroy me or walk away. I spoke to the management that there are too many things for me to do in too little time for a new staff. I explain to them what are the things and I needed more time to adapt. They told me not to rush and take my time.
Had I not stop myself, I would have likely given myself more unrealistic expectations;
rushing and stressing myself up…
I did not allow “change” to destroy me this time and I did not walk away. I made a decision. I stop and take a closer look at the many new changes taking place around me and slow down.
It was a tough week but a good week at work in the end.
I can feel that I am slowly progressing in recovery again after a period of backsliding. The calm, peace, joy and freedom is slowly returning. For this, I am grateful and contented but all is not perfect, I notice that I have been eating a lot lately for comfort due to the stress.

[kin]

I didn’t know I was doing too many thing in too little time until I become frustrated and angry today.

I realized that I was like a runaway truck waiting to hit the wall.

I was dealing with 4 different issues in one morning. Each subject was a distraction, four was simply too much for me.

1.Performance Management Program
2.New Product Training
3.Quality Assurance Report
4.Daily Sales Quota

[kin]

Hi Maverick,

I am glad to see you posting again. It tells me you are trying and keep going, each step may get harder, but don’t stop.

Any addict can stop gambling, drinking or drugging any time but the toughest part was staying stop.

Anyone can focus on God any time but the toughest part was staying focus on God all the times.

I am a imperfect person with weakness, I tried and find it a challenge to stay focus on God all the times and staying abstinent forever.

However I can stay abstinent one day at a time, and it was not that perfect either, I will still fall on some days. When that happens, I cannot stay down. I need to get back up quickly, and start working my abstinent again, one day at a time.

We love our family. We do it for them.

[Author]

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