[kin]

Another lesson learnt:
If I was not doing the wrong thing, if I was not criticized and judge, if I was not sick, if my thinking was not irrational and my feeling was not unreliable. I will not learn. It force me not to listen to my irrational thought and unreliable feeling moving forward.
The decision made was not my old ways, I shall choose to do the right thing not because it made me feel good but because it was the right thing to do.
In the past, how many times did I choose not to do the right thing because doing the right thing did not made me feel good.
Doing sinful things and wrong feels good, should I continue to do it.
Doing right don’t feels good, should I continue to do it.
It was all about giving up old ways, and self-will.

[kin]

1. Emotional relapse
2. Mental relapse
3. Physical relapse

The potential to relapse is part of the nature of addiction,
Recovery from the disease of addiction like other chronic illness is a daily affair.
If we don’t take the right measures to address our recovery on a daily basis,
if we don’t adjust our lifestyle in accordance with the requirements of our disease,
then we are bound to go back to ACTING OUT because that is how we cope with life.
In the disease of addiction, a relapse begins before we physically ACT OUT again.
Relapse is a process that goes through EMOTIONAL and MENTAL phases before we finally find ourselves in a place where we think we have no choice but to ACT OUT again.
When we go back to our old attitudes, old feelings, and old behaviors, when we stop working our program and ignore the support of our Fellowship then we go back to doing what we have done for a lifetime —
we ACT OUT to deal with or escape from life.
As they say in the Fellowship, by the time we ACT OUT, we have already relapsed in our minds!
Our emotions and thinking patterns require our vigilance, if we hope to maintain our recovery.
If we become aware that our attitudes and feelings are slipping back to our old and destructive ways, we can then take healthy ways to employ coping mechanisms and recovery tools to stop the process from disintegrating into a final physical relapse.
For these are the phases where we still have power of choice and control to stop our disease from sabotaging us into ACTING OUT again.

[kin]

Dear all,
for your update. I am doing fine. Life has return to normal for me now. I am feeling grateful and contented again. I didn’t realized I was miss in here. Please accept my apology!
Recently I was active in a new WhatsApp group of new recovering people. Posting there daily have taken me away from this journal. Thank you bro and sis for the love. I will try to update this journal more regularly.

[kin]

The Holy Ghost let me know immediately I was wrong.
I think of the scripture that Jesus spoke when he said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do (paraphrasing – Luke 23:34).

I have forgotten the great pain, torture and big suffering that my family have to go through as a result of my gambling.

Isaiah 50:6 ESV
I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting.
Psalm 22:16–18 ESV
For dogs encompass me; a company of evildoers encircles me; they have pierced my hands and feet— I can see all my bones— they stare and gloat over me; they divide my garments among them, and for my clothing they cast lots.
Luke 23:11
Then Herod and his soldiers ridiculed and mocked him. Dressing him in an elegant robe, they sent him back to Pilate.

[kin]

Pain
Pain is the touchstone of Spiritual Growth.
Recovery
The price for serenity is Self-Sacrifice.
Dear diary
I didn’t know what was happening to me in 2017. Everything look like they are falling apart in my life and I started to exercise again.
1. I did not like to jog over distance. I would run out of breath many times, it feels like suffocating or dying. It is very painful and stressful.
2. Many times, when I feel this pain, I wish to stop. Stop running and my pain will go away. It was so tempting to give in and just stop running.
3. Each time, I had to tell myself not to give up when it becomes stressful and painful, I have to remind myself not to give in to the temptation. Over 2 km, this surely happen a few times, I realize that I need to build up mental strength for the job. I need to dig into my mind for strength when my body was failing me until I finish the distance.
The truth
The pain and stress from running is shorter but sharper, more painful and intense than the pain and stress of not gambling, drinking, working,taking sleeping pill, and having sex.
If I can survive and manage the pain and stress from running every day. I will beat the pain and stress of not gambling, drinking, taking sleeping pill, and having sex every day.
Today was my 8th day of running, I can already feel that I was a little stronger seeing myself running longer and further.

[kin]

Keep doing the unnatural and things that an addict would not do until they become so natural in recovery.

[kin]

Building the strength to say No.

I can train my strength physically by exercising and practicing regularly until I can do it.

Unfortunately I cannot attain spiritual strength doing physical exercise. I need to obey and follow God and the program.

It is a painful struggle in the beginning. I believe that it will become easier with practice and it is all worth it.

I watch my steps during my walk a jog, I was taking half a step forward each time. I was so weak that I could not take one full step forward over the distance.

The day will come when I could take one full step forward around the park one day.

[kin]

Dear P

It was a joy to watch you and Vera becoming more confident and happy in life.

Yours sincerely,
Kin

[kin]

It was natural for me to walk in the flesh: my mind told me:
1. To put a small 300 sgd gamble on Mexico to win today. The 60 dollars winning can pay for my misc. expenses today.
2. I want to give up! I did not want to continue my walk a jog today because the weather was so hot now and there is a recovery meeting 3 hours later.
3. I did not wish to attend the recovery meeting later because I want to do my walk a jog.
I could see all the natural thing I do in the flesh every day today. Most of the time, I was blind to my behavior.
I was grateful for this moment: I did the unnatural today. I did not do what I desires.
1. I did not gamble.
2. I did my walk a jog first and attend the AA meeting immediately after.
I choose to take the first step today when I cannot see the whole staircase.
I choose to walk by faith, not by sight.

[kin]

Dear diary
Something is very not right in my life right now. I cannot explain my many behaviors over the last 12 months or so. It is growing in strength and becoming more and more powerful, slowly and progressively threatening to send me into another new rock bottom.
Firstly, I can understand that my job is not everything in my life. My family and love ones is more important than my job. Secondly, I don’t need to drink to drown any sorrow. Life is good. I am grateful and contented. Thirdly, I don’t need to gamble for more money.
But after 5 months on the new job, I am very sure I was slowly rotting away. The new job was the source of my stress and fear in my life. I become anxious and restless from the stress at work, I am losing the peace I had and not able to rest and sleep early, soon I was using alcohol again. I become anxious and impatient, I wish to clear my debt earlier, soon I was gambling from time to time.
I didn’t know what was happening.
Until…
I chatted with someone I was helping from time to time.
I started my conversation telling the other person that I was facing a recovery crisis.
I went on to talk about leaving all the groups that kept me safe and turning to all the things that got me into trouble.
I left a very strong recovering community because what the pastor told me surprise me one day, he felt that I was an attention seeker. Maybe he felt that I was not giving all the glory and victory to God, maybe he didn’t welcome me in the group anymore. I was not an attention seeker, I do not agree with him. I decided to leave the group in December 2016.
I left another Christian support group much earlier because a few mature Christian volunteers who are not recovering person question and challenge me why I was not baptized. I was angry why did they suddenly attack me in a group. I took it very personal. They care more about me whether I get baptize more than what is happening in my life. I decided to leave this group way before 2016.
I just left another anonymous support group whatsapp chat group because I didn’t like behaviors of 2 person in the group, I can tell that they are playing mind game and trying to take control. I don’t blame them. I felt that they are more sick and needed the group more than me, I choose to walk away.
Everything points to one thing. As I am learning new things. I was throwing away all the things that has kept me safe in recovery and taking in all the old familiar things that have got me into trouble etc. job, gambling and alcohol.
I just need to chat with someone now and message a friend, I reveal and share the above to the person.
My friend replied to me: “Remember it is never on our terms but always on God’s term.”
This message strike me like lightning. It exposes a big blind spot I had.
WHEN THINGS DID NOT TURN OUT ACCORDING TO MY TERMS, I WILL TURN TO MY WAYS AND MY TERM. This has got me into all kind of troubles and wipe out everything I had.

My friend encourages me to talk to God.
I took a screenshot of my update today and save it in my phone, the part about not seeking our terms but one from a Higher Power. I hope that I will remember to look at the message again and again everyday when I forget about it completely.

[kin]

Yesterday between 8 pm to 10 pm Singapore time, I was suffering from white knuckle recovery. I notice that my anxiety level was very high, my feeling was very intense and I have a very strong urge to visit a betting house to watch live EPL football. I felt that I could not stop myself so I text a recovery friend to tell her about it, she suggested that I watch a movie instead, I didn’t question her, it was better for me to follow her direction when all else failed for me.
By 11 pm, calmness has return and life become manageable again. I survive another day from self destructive behaviors.
This too shall pass.

[kin]

On Friday, I had thoughts to gamble after work, this happens all the times when I was tired and exhausted. I choose not to listen and trust my thought and stay gamble free.

I feel better now after a good night sleep.

[kin]

I am gamble free today!

[kin]

I have thought about placing a football bet today, and I also thought about this thread, which was becoming a daily routine. I wanted to and is going to stay gamble free today!

[kin]

I am gamble free today!

[Author]

Posts