[kin]

The cost of my gambling was spending the rest of my life wishing I didn’t.

[kin]

It was a pleasure to read your recent posts, it shows your tremendous growth in recovery, they are made up of many years of baby step. Good job!
We are work in progress and under construction.

[kin]

I was still able to describe how I feel in every situation.
I trusted my head, it tells me how much I can afford to lose and how much to gamble, It tells me that my gamble was correct.
I was willing to go to all length to follow the instruction of my head. I am willing to go thru all the inconvenience and trouble to place the gamble.
It felt so real, the reason to do it was so convincing but many times I lost my last dollar this way only to realize what my head tell me was not true. It felt so real but it was not the truth. It was full of false belief, false hope, justification and rationalization, deceit and lies to myself which prompted me to place the first bet and the beginning of a life of self-destruction.
Never trust what my head tell me. Every time I listen to my head, I go back to my old secret ways, I will drink and gamble, I will control, manipulate situations and people. It has been like that on and off for the last 30 years.
It was a shocking truth that I cannot trust my head.
It was very painful to trust it one more time only to see all the destruction it bring back to my life one more time financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally and damage to my relationship with God and family plus recovery.
I must give up any hope listening to my head. I should listen to the Truth. I must stop listening to the head and its way and start following God’s way to the best of my ability.

[kin]

SEEK FIRST HIS KINGDOM
We hear a lot of talk about establishing priorities in our lives.
But no one say it better than Jesus
“Do not worry, saying; “What shall we eat?” “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?”
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,
And all these things shall be added to you” ( Mathew 6:31.33)
Food, drink and clothing are important, but they are not your priority.
Rather, your pursuit of God – and the result of spiritual growth – is what really matters.
When you put God first, He will provide for you and your family.
That ‘s His promise – seek Him, and He will take care of everything else.
As C S Lewis said “ Put first thing first and we get second thing thrown in:
Put second thing first and we lose first and second things.”
Maybe this message is for you too.

[kin]

I felt very disturb and betrayed when my role models in recovery relapse or make mistake one by one in my early recovery. I believe in them, how can they still drink and gamble when they talk about staying alcohol and gambling free ? I felt cheated by what I see.
Today I understand that this is a one day at a time program, no one promise staying alcohol and gambling free forever, this apply to everyone.
Whoever fall today just have to pick himself or herself up the next day and start to stay alcohol and gambling free one day at a time again. This is how it work!
This is a lifetime journey, the program continues.
When I was new, I could not see they are human. Like me, they are not perfect.

I have not met a perfect Christian too.
I am making the same mistakes now. This was a path everyone in recovery have to walk.
There is hope. Life does become more bearable now.

I am not perfect, this why I need Christ and recovery to find the freedom, peace and joy I want.

[kin]

To be hurt by the people you help feels very disappointing, shocking and painful. It was ugly.

How many times have I done this to my family. I cannot remember the many others who had help me and I did this to them intentionally or not intentionally.

I have no right to be inconsiderate to those who have done the same to me.

Yes it hurts…… this is where I am grateful to be in recovery; I have the mindfulness to forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.

Taking a step back and walking away from these harmful people ease the burden and stress in life but…

I was suppose to stand on shore and throw the life saver to them when they fall into the water, not jump into the water.

[kin]

I have taken the first step to pray everyday and set aside some money to provide for the family again
But
I realize that I become very stubborn to change in life especially after I return to my old profession of many years.
Returning to my old work brings back many old ways; I persist stubbornly and fearlessly in work until I get the result.
There was no such thing as stop halfway and walk away, that is not how I sell.
It may work for me in sales but it fail me in life.
I have found comfort in acting out in many other ways this year. I have done it but nothing criminal.
It was good to loosen up and relax but to lose my moral compass and value is another thing.
When did doing the wrong thing in my life become the right thing to do?

[kin]

I saw this reading recently; it said “Seek the Lord’s kingdom first”
Put first thing first and the second things are thrown in. Put second thing first and you lose both first and second ~ CS Lewis
I have learnt a good lesson this year. This year was and will be a good trial for me, one that made me lose what little I have and how I finish depended on whether I am willing to switch the priority of things around.
When I place the priority of keeping the job, making money, repaying my debts above God, my family and recovery. It was likely for me to fall to old ways again and again in time of weakness and vulnerability and end up working for nothing in the end.

[kin]

I did not get into trouble every time I drank,
but every time I got into troubles, I was drinking

I did not get into trouble every time I gamble,
but every time I got into troubles, I was gambling

[kin]

What we did yesterday was history, we cannot change all that.

All that matter is “We do not continue our destructive behavior today!”

It gives us hope for tomorrow. Come tomorrow, we do the same thing, the journey continues…

[kin]

I do not know how many more years before I will lose my sanity.
It was like a preview yesterday morning, I suddenly relive all those scary and paranoid feeling, it was all dark and very negative, it felt so real, I fear that bad things were going to happen to me but all that was not true in real life.
I don’t know what happen to the brain but substance abuse can really do that to my head. I was crazy for a few hours. I was capable of going crazy!
If I do not want to relive this dark and hellish feeling…I need to stay away from alcohol.

[kin]

My health was hit harder now when I abuse any substance. It does crazy thing to the brain, some part just switch off and some part that is very dark can take over the control and thinking, it does crazy thing to me. It really shows my limitation as I could no longer handle alcohol compare to my younger days.
Every winning streak ended in losses end of the day. I hate losing and cannot handle loses well, I could not walk away and not come back. Each gambling losses can set me back many months in repayment. I can lose my financial freedom for many months.
It is really unnecessary for me to drink or gamble.
It only brings out the worst in me.
The drinking and gambling makes me feel like someone important, everything revolves around me.
Stay humble keep me safe.
Staying humble include reminding myself that I am not better than another recovering person, I could not handle getting drunk or gambling loss better than them.
Staying humble include reminding myself not to let the person I help feel that I am better than them.
Staying humble in recovery saves my life.

[kin]

This is helping me to made new decisions…
In the past:
How many times did I choose to do the right thing because it made me feel good.
How many times did I choose to do the wrong thing because it made me feel good.
Today;
In recovery, I learnt to do thing because it was the right thing to do, not because it made me feel good. For example, work, exercise, providing for the family.
I will experience stress and unhappiness at work doing some things that do not make me feel good.
I will experience stress and pain doing the same exercise I used to do
I will have lesser money to spend when I provide for my family.
But these are the right thing to do.
In recovery, I choose not to do things that make me feel good because it was the wrong thing to do. For example: take alcohol, gambling, drug, overeat.
I will stop overeating and taking alcohol and drug that make me feel good.
I will stop gambling that give me a quick fix and escape from reality.

[kin]

Dear P,
Good job on your progress!
I would like to share with you about my weakness and learning experience.
In the past:
How many times did I choose to do the right thing because it made me feel good.
How many times did I choose to do the wrong thing because it made me feel good.
Today;
In recovery, I learnt to do thing because it was the right thing to do, not because it made me feel good. For example, work, exercise, providing for the family.
In recovery, I choose not to do things that make me feel good because it was the wrong thing to do. For example: take alcohol, gambling, drug, overeat

[kin]

It never fail to amaze and shock me each time, I can have long winning streaks for so many days, so many weeks, and months … so many times but all the winnings will be gone in one foolish moment, one day, one week, one month.

I never win over gambling in the end.

[Author]

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