[kin]

Dear diary,
1st time in 2018 – I Gambled in FA Cup yesterday.
Lately, I didn’t want to do the right things such as reporting to work and exercise and want to do all the wrong things such as eating and gambling.
What did my mind tell me?
Bad experiences tell me not to gamble on FA cup matches and I reminded myself a few times not to do it later in the night yesterday. ( it was very sad that I cannot trust myself as I can be unreliable and unpredictable when I could not do what I tell myself. )
What was my feeling?
I can afford the loss, I may not lose this time, this time may be different. (feeling is not a fact or truth.)
What was my thought?
It was not a guarantee win, I still want to do it, I don’t care anymore. (It was an emotional decision)
It was too tiring to analyze and study the match after so many hours. I did not want to think hard before I act anymore. ( I am not thinking straight anymore.) It was a blind gamble.
My SELF WILL was strong and STUBBORN to gamble. I was living on FALSE HOPE.
What did I do?
I want to prove my past experience WRONG this time, I went ahead to place the bet.
What was my feeling?
I was very IMPATIENT and IMPULSIVE, SELFISH AND COMPLUSIVE after so many hours.
My self-awareness, mindfulness and self-control was LOW.
I have lost my patient, I want my saving to grow faster, I was not contented with the money I had. I was not grateful with what little money I had.
My Thoughts, my feeling and action is not in line.
What was my thoughts?
I was insane, I hope to do the same thing and expect a different result.
I still have a chance not to do gamble but I did not remember to postpone my gamble, walk away from danger, do another thing and regretted my action.
After long period of gambling, I would lose my self control every single time, I will become impulsive and compulsive without fail.
I did not listen to my past many experiences. My past experiences was right again.
I was wrong. The outcome was still the same.
I can remember how many times I drank last year. Only 2 times over a year.
I cannot remember how many times I gamble last year. I hope I could face the truth in gambling this year.
My past experience was a good teacher, not me. My self will get me into all kind of troubles.
I need to work on my self-will again!
How can I gamble and stop gambling at the same time?
Gambling win is a temporary solution, not a permanent one. Gambling losses worsen my situation and problem.
The problem is me and my self-will, I choose to not listen, not follow, not obey the recovery program and God all the times.
I was not following the truth, I choose to listen to my lies.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I was paralysed by fear recently.
What did my mind tell me? I don’t want to do many things including jogging
What was my feeling? I don’t feel like jogging
What was my thoughts? it was worrying, it been a week, I am afraid I will lose everything…
What did I do?
I tell myself not to listen to my mind, I refer to my past experiences when this happen, it tell me to do the right thing, just go ahead with the jog, I don’t need to like it, I just need to do it. I did it, despite not jogging for a week, I was still able to complete the same distance.
What was my feeling? Past similar experience was right again. I felt very relieve, and good after the jog, I have regain my self confident to do it again.
What was my thoughts? From time to time, my mind is sick, I need to do the opposite and not listen to it to move on in life.
I listened to my past many experiences on the same thing. The outcome was still the same. It was right again. My past experiences was a good teacher to me.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I feel very different this week, I seem to be a little depress. I was not resting and sleeping well, it makes me very tired. When I wake up, I don’t feel like going to work, it make me take MC. I was also not motivated to go jogging and used the wet weather as an excuse. On top of that I notice that I feel like eating more and gamble.
I struggle to say yes to do the right thing and struggle to say no to do the wrong thing.
Everything doesn’t made sense to me, I need the job and I want to manage my weight, I don’t need to gamble but I feel like doing all the opposite things.
This is nothing new to me because of my history. These are signs that I have gone into the mental relapse mode.
I must not trust what my head tell me to do…found out my eczema has relapse, maybe this is the source of my stress.
I just say “The Lord’s Prayer”

[kin]

Dear diary
It would be a month for month comparison with last year for this year.
If I can protect the sobriety I have now. if I can continue to remain employed, if I could remain Patient, Grateful and Contented and not have Unrealistic Expectations – one day at a time, one month at a time for the rest of the year. I should be able to clear 3 outstanding loans this year, if I did not gamble away my earnings.
The surprise for year 2018 maybe the recovery on my health.
This is a good year for me to place priority and focus on the recovery for my health. I have experimented with ketogenic diet for 2 full weeks recently to see the benefits.
It goes beyond losing weight. It helps in diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease prevention, best of all it starves the cancer cell. I always thought fasting was an extreme behavior and was harmful. I never thought that depriving the body of sugar completely and teaching it to turn to ketone for energy is good for many wonderful health reasons. The benefits of ketogenic diet were proven by doctor and science.
Like going total abstinent in gambling, this is going total abstinent in sugar!!!
(The secret was to teach the body to burn fats and not sugar for fuel.)
Gone are the days when I exercise and struggle to lose weight. It can be discouraging, demoralizing, frustrating and helpless.
I am now given the key to losing weight using strict diet and exercise. Praise God.
The program works, I just need to follow and use it.
How? One baby step at a time.
How long? One day at a time.

[kin]

Hi Maverick,

I really respect you for taking good care of the family. When I was gambling, I honestly could not provide for my family, I squander away all my money. I was only able to contribute to the family after I have learn to stop gambling. It would be a disaster for me in recovery if I have stop gambling but nothing about me changes, isn’t it a shame if I have stop gambling but continue to be selfish and irresponsible, all I care about was me, I and myself and nobody else.

Blessings
Kin

[kin]

To Bro Maverick and Me

I can forget, drift and backslide when I become complacent. I need to remind myself, I am not a perfect man.

Gambling gives me false hope. If gambling has a voice, all the promises that it tell me was all a lie.

Gambling was like a robber, it come into our life and rob us of our peace, joy and freedom.

Gambling took over the top priority and love in our life that once belong to God, family and work.

Gambling took away the time that once belong to God, family and work and rob us of the money that could have been spend on love ones.

Most honest recovery people was there and has done that, they were once in a very unmanageable situation. The hole was so big and deep, life look hopeless but the miracle of recovery changes all that and today these people carry the message of recovery with gratitude.

Recovery from gambling was all about not gambling today. Our past is history, there is nothing we can do to erase and change all that, you can only focus on not gambling today, don’t worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has not arrive, when it come, you just need to repeat what you did today.

If taking one day at a time was tough, try taking baby steps, do the next right thing, one thing at a time.

No honest recovery person I knew was perfect, they cannot guarantee that they can stay gamble free for the rest of their life. We can only stay gamble free today. If we fail today, it is not the end of the world, tomorrow we try again to stay gamble free again. Every gambling free day matter, they all add up. Each day we say no to addiction, we are healing. We seek progress, not perfection!

I was an alcoholic too, I used to drink almost every week. Last year I only drank twice over 365 days. Frankly, I cannot remember how many days I gamble, I can either choose to beat up myself for my imperfection in recovery or be encourage by the progress I made in recovery. I do not claim perfection in recovery. I choose to see a half full glass instead of an half empty glass. It help me to remain in gratitude, humble and motivated to work harder to seek more progress. I am doing this for myself.

We are handicap by our addiction, try asking someone on crutches to stand up and walk. It takes a lot of effort and courage to take the first step in early days. Early days in recovery can be tough, it can be painful and stressful but it will get better and become easier over time.

It was not a difficult decision to made, we can only keep one and sacrifice one; either I continue gambling and sacrifice the family or I can choose to keep the family and sacrifice gambling.

Everyone that has done it will tell you they have found a new peace, joy and freedom, quality of life at home has improve, our well-being will affect and bring happiness and hope to our love ones. It is so worth it!

Like many of us in here, our last relapse was not first relapse; our last attempt was not our first attempt in recovery, we have done it before, we know what it was like and what we need to continue doing.
Praise God! God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

[kin]

To Me and Bro Maverick
I can forget, drift and backslide when I become complacent. I need to remind myself, I am not a perfect man.
Gambling gives me false hope. If gambling has a voice, all the promises that it tell me was all a lie.
Gambling was like a robber, it come into our life and rob us of our peace, joy and freedom.
Gambling took over the top priority and love in our life that once belong to God, family and work.
Gambling took away the time that once belong to God, family and work and rob us of the money that could have been spend on love ones.
Most honest recovery people was there and has done that, they were once in a very unmanageable situation. The hole was so big and deep, life look hopeless but the miracle of recovery changes all that and today these people carry the message of recovery with gratitude.
Recovery from gambling was all about not gambling today. Our past is history, there is nothing we can do to erase and change all that, you can only focus on not gambling today, don’t worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has not arrive, when it come, you just need to repeat what you did today.
If taking one day at a time was tough, try taking baby steps, do the next right thing, one thing at a time.
No honest recovery person I knew was perfect, they cannot guarantee that they can stay gamble free for the rest of their life. We can only stay gamble free today. If we fail today, it is not the end of the world, tomorrow we try again to stay gamble free again. Every gambling free day matter, they all add up. Each day we say no to addiction, we are healing. We seek progress, not perfection!
I was an alcoholic too, I used to drink almost every week. Last year I only drank twice over 365 days. Frankly, I cannot remember how many days I gamble, I can either choose to beat up myself for my imperfection in recovery or be encourage by the progress I made in recovery. I do not claim perfection in recovery. I choose to see a half full glass instead of an half empty glass. It help me to remain in gratitude, humble and motivated to work harder to seek more progress. I am doing this for myself.
We are handicap by our addiction, try asking someone on crutches to stand up and walk. It takes a lot of effort and courage to take the first step in early days. Early days in recovery can be tough, it can be painful and stressful but it will get better and become easier over time.
It was not a difficult decision to made, we can only keep one and sacrifice one; either I continue gambling and sacrifice the family or I can choose to keep the family and sacrifice gambling.
Everyone that has done it will tell you they have found a new peace, joy and freedom, quality of life at home has improve, our well-being will affect and bring happiness and hope to our love ones. It is so worth it!
Like many of us in here, our last relapse was not our first relapse; our last attempt was not our first attempt in recovery, we have done it before, we know what it was like and what we need to continue doing.
There is hope. Praise God!
God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

[kin]

Dear Maverick,
I have been reading your recent post as far back as a few months ago but could not find the right message to say to you, I have read and noted the setback you have experience and feel your pain.
I have been thinking of replying to you for a few months now. I wanted to speak from my heart and personal experience. I wanted to tell you one thing that has help me in my recovery, but I could not think of one as there are many…I just waited and waited for the right message to come.
Finally, I knew what I wanted to tell you, this is the message: “When you find yourself in a hole, STOP digging.”
For another dear sister in here, my words for her was to take one baby step at a time.
I started taking one baby step at a time in recovery since 2005, if you add up all the baby steps in recovery I have taken over 12 years, I have progress despite the many setback and relapses in between.
I ask myself what has help me in recovery when I slip or relapse?
I have learnt to stop digging when I realized that I was in a hole, I was able to STOP before it become DEEPER. The day I stop digging the hole was also the day I started taking one baby step at a time to climb out of the hole one day at a time for the rest of my life… I hope this living / survival skill can help you as much as it has help me.

[kin]

Hi Kathryn & I did it,

Thank you for all your well wishes! Christmas is celebrated here like anywhere else.
Just a quick updates, my life was more peaceful and stable now compare to the same period last year. I even have the chance to try dieting and exercise this month, it was an interesting and pleasant experience but I found out that I was not well prepared enough and ready to do both at the same time and stop the dieting after 2 weeks.
I have lost 7 kg in 10 days and have since pick up 4 kg in the next 7 days after I stop dieting.
I was able to slow jog longer now, strength and stamina has improve. The health benefits are obvious. I will be better prepared the next time when I do the same diet again. In the meanwhile, I will continue to slow jog regularly to build strength and condition.
There was improvement in all areas of my life recently, the baby steps progress is fine with me.
Thank you God!

[kin]

Update:
My 1st week on egg diet was amazing, it has helped me lose 6 kg of water weight loss, however it came to a plateau on the 2nd week, I could only lose one more kg and the weight remain the same for the next 5 days of the week. I decided to stop this diet after the second week.
I had experienced symptom of keto flu on the first week, there was headache, dizziness, low level of energy in the morning and high energy in the afternoon.
My appetite was normal on the first week but was shocked to lose it on the second and I hit a plateau for weight loss so early on my 2nd week.
I face 2 problems, I need to eat lots of vegetable on this diet but I don’t know how to do it, I may have to consider doing juicing and I have not exercise for a long time, I need to do it to increase my metabolic rate but the body aches only add stress to my dieting.
This is the 3rd week: I have return to normal eating and have since regained 2 kg, I continue to exercise to gain strength, the lighter weight has make it easy on my knee.
Keto diet works… I would be ready the next time.

[kin]

Everything was so advance nowadays. They have the latest method and know the way, most importantly they work.
I was on keto diet for 5 days now and I have lost 5 kg of water weight despite eating and drinking lots of water. I still have another 37 days to go to finish my first phase before deciding whether I want to continue this.
I expected the weight loss in the first 10 days to be water weight loss. After that I should be expecting more fat loss.
Recently I learn that the body burn calorie from sugar, protein and fats. I need to teach my body to burn fat and I need to go on this keto diet for 6 weeks to achieve ketosis.
I need to eat more fat and some protein so that the body can learn and choose to burn fats instead of protein. I need to consume more vegetables too while I deprive my body of sugar and carbohydrate.
When the body start to lose weight very quickly, my body metabolism will slow down out of survival instinct, this is not what I want, I need to exercise regularly to maintain or raise the metabolic rate and prevent it from slowing down.
It was not a painful experience, imagine I was actually eating and losing weight. It was a happy thing to do, I see the result so quickly, it was very encouraging.
I had butter, hardboiled egg, scramble egg, broccoli, bacon, breast meat, pecan and lots of water with slices of lemon in them.
The trick is to deprive the body of sugar and carbohydrates. I started to visit the supermarket and read the label, and found out there are so many processed food in the market which is not very healthy for the body.
There is hope for fat people like me, losing weight and more importantly, this diet helps diabetic, heart and cancer condition.
I am doing my recovery one day at a time. Recovery is about changing to a new lifestyle otherwise nothing changes.
I cannot do this without the Higher Power giving me the strength to do it. God is everything, I am nothing. Thank you God.

[kin]

They say the best advice in recovery is always the one we didn’t want to hear.

The one who progress in recovery are usually not the smartest and intelligent one, it is always the one who is willing to be humble and follow simple instruction.

The master has spoken. Charles offer very important direction.

My ways don’t work.

[kin]

Gamble Free today.

Completed 4 days of egg diet.
Another 38 days to go.
One day at a time.

[kin]

3rd days into keto diet.
Plan to do this for 6 weeks, I still have to persist for another 39 days. Can only tell whether it work for me in a few weeks time. All this while, I did it one day at a time.

[kin]

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed

[Author]

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