[kin]

I have just reached home after a long walk of 3 hours, it is 7.50 am now. I must have walk more than 16km. The people I met and saw on the way reflected on my nature and my character.
The experience shows that I am no saint, and definitely not perfect.
First person I met was a lady my age sitting by the roadside talking to herself, I thought she must be suffering from mental illness. I didn’t even try to talk to her and continue walking away.
I did not bother to ask her why and did not encourage her to return home, she should not be wondering the street in the dark. I did not even offer her any comfort. It shows that I can be prejudice with the seriously mentally ill. I feel that they do not know what they are doing and they cannot be blame for any wrong.
Second person was a man my age, he was heavily intoxicated, he was sitting dangerously by the roadside with his long legs stretch out on to the road, I thought he was an alcoholic.
I decided to do something. I was concern that a car may miss him and run over his legs. I ask him if he was ok, he told me he was waiting for a cab. He was too drunk to flag down a cab. I ask him where he drink, what he drank, how much he drink and where he stay – I care and help him flag down a cab making sure he is safe .
Guess I knew an addict better, they are like me and more predictable. We are sick in the mind sometime but not all the time like those selfish mentally ill.
Third person I met was a very strange experience. It was crazy. I saw an elderly person on a wheelchair speeding down the road, any driver who cannot see him can run him down. He saw me and actually stop. He asked me for money.
He told me he has not eaten for 3 days and he was homeless but I swear he look clean and well groom, he doesn’t look like someone who haven’t eaten for 3 days and homeless. He actually begged me for money and rush me to be quick. I gave him enough money to take a cab and feed him but he wanted more and ask me whether I have some more lose change.
I sympathize that he was wheelchair bound. I would have given him a little money, he does not have to lie to me.
I ask for his identity card, my intention was to help him if I knew where he stay, I will surely find help for him. He told me he was rob and lose his ID. I don’t believe that he has not eaten for 3 days, homeless and lose his ID.
He received my money and speed down the road, he wanted to go to a nearby crowded temple to beg for more money from the devotee there because today was a festive occasion here.
He is sick emotionally, mentally and physically. He only care about how he feel and what he need. He don’t care about me. He will make up story and lies to get what he want from me exactly like what I did to many people when my addiction was active. I was little of these 3 person I met. The truth about me is ugly.
Fourth person I met was a jogger, I greeted him good morning and he smile.
Fifth person I met was a person walking 2 dogs, I greeted the person. She ignored me.
I was like all the 5 person I met today and sick in the mind. I deliberately and intentionally or not intentionally do wrong. I need help.

[kin]

Last year today, I gamble at the casino…it was a wrong way to find money to contribute to the family. I won and found the money for the family for that month but I complicated things and it became payback time for the rest of the year.
The risk are always there that I could be repeating the same thing over again this year, there was growing pressure and anxiety until the day I receive my salary today and gave it to the family. This year was better than last year.

[kin]

I didn’t know I was fasting for a spiritual reason.
I didn’t know I was abstaining from food for a specific amount of time for a spiritual purpose.
Some people eat for 8 hours and fast for 16 hours a day. – inter-mitten fasting
Some people abstain from carbohydrates and sugar in their diet. – keto diet
Some people eat for 6 days and fast for one day.
Some fast for 40 days.
Why did I fast?
I was trying to overcome temptation and was looking for direction.
I was really very disappointed, sad and frustrated at the temptation that I keep falling into.
What is fasting?
Fasting is putting down the desire of the flesh
The desire of the flesh is “give me more” … I am hungry for more money, gambling, food, alcohol and sex. When we are fasting, we are saying NO to the desire.
What did I experience in fasting?
I experience many strong mental and physical cravings.
The craving and urge come and go, some time the temptation was weak but some time the temptation and craving was so strong that I cheated on my fasting, I slip and relapse.
It reflected on my vulnerability and weakness at the moment.
There are progress but no perfection for me.
It was a big relief to be practicing total abstinence from my addiction without the heavy financial losses from gambling and ill health from alcohol when I fail.
What are the benefits?
Today I had 9 kg weight loss over 2 months.
The experience has strengthened my belief in recovery from all addictions. The progress has given me more confident to carry on with the recovery program.
The slip, fall and failures warn me not to test myself as I can lose control and start bingeing uncontrollably when I least expected it. The bingeing was the same for food, alcohol and gambling.
If I relapse, it was not the end of the world, I should stop the digging and pick myself up immediately and continue with the journey in recovery.
Recovery is not a single event in my life, it was a life journey, a lifestyle…it was never perfect.
How many times have I failed WHEN I WAS TESTED in the face of temptation.
How many times have I given in to strong mental and physical craving.
I need to build up my mental strength to manage the stress and challenges in the future.

[kin]

Hi Monica, Lizbeth4 and I did it,

All of you have been thru a lot of hardships, pain, and tears. And it takes a lot of courage and determination to do what you are doing now which is to do your best with what you have.

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.
If some thing bad happens in life , we can’t change it. All we can do is make the best out of it.

[kin]

I like to follow my feeling and desire. I loves to do as I want. My Self-will is my direction.
In a relapse mode, the feeling of distress was unbearable if I did not do it. The most severe threat of punishment and heavy consequences could not keep me away from doing it.
In a recovery mode, I care about the heavy consequences and punishment of self-will run riot. I want to repair the situation and stop myself from digging the hole deeper and slipping away. These are very simple things in life but sadly one that will destroy me because of my multiple addictions, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive behavior.
I have been bingeing on food, have thoughts to take alcohol and plan to gamble. All the effort over the years will be wasted if I did not put in the effort require to stop the rot. Maintenance is a lifetime work, there was no holiday.
I cheated and loosen up, doing sinful stuff was a nice feeling, I ate everything that I desire. I have since put on more than 2 kg now. It is time to get back to recovery work.
It works. I only need to cut down the carbohydrates and sugar from my diet, they call this keto diet. I heard the result can be quicker if I do inter-mitten fasting altogether which I have never do before. I also need to continue the regular jog. All these to keep the 7 kg and more weight loss. My goal was to lose another 10kg.
That looks like a lot to do for me. I really did not have a desire to do them, but I did not want to suffer the consequences and punishment if I did not do them.
This is a lesson for me. The same effort is required for gambling.
The reward of weight loss is equivalent to the reward of a healthy saving for not gambling.

It doesn’t happen overnight, it will take time, 3 years period sound reasonable to me.

feast feast fast, feast feast fast ? hmm…

[kin]

In the relapse mode, there was only One thing I want to do.
In the recovery mode, there is only One thing I cannot do.

hmm…..

[kin]

I did alright to survive until today, many have lost their life to addiction. I have slipped and relapse…but live another day.
Nobody ask to be an addict. We are not powerless until we place the first bet, start bingeing on food, alcohol and drug.
I miss Vera wise words in here.

[kin]

Hi lizbeth4,
It was nice to read about your progress with all the different challenges and burden that life throws at you.
You have my deepest respect!
Best wishes,
Kin

[kin]

I has been bingeing on food lately. I gave up staying abstinent after 2 days this time. I become 2 kg heavier and was slow jogging 1km lesser in distance.
Recovery is all hard work for me.
Without a routine structured lifestyle, a spiritual and recovery program to follow, practice and check me. I could easily switch into the relapse mode and spiral out of control at any time without notice. If it did not happen now, the answer is not yet!
It was all about stop digging when you are in the hole and start to REFOCUS on staying abstinent today ONE DAY AT A TIME. There was no failure, it was just a part of my journey.
My progress with my eating disorder reflect on my relationship with alcohol, porn, gambling, borrowing, money and work. It was the same illness.
I had thoughts to take alcohol and gamble last night.

[kin]

My brain is no longer able to produce something enough… needed to perform my own free will at all times.

It has affected the reward and pre-frontal region in my brain that control higher function like my judgement, decision making and self-control over my actions.

The end result was ordinary healthy and pleasurable activities such as watching movie, window shopping, exercise, reading, listening to music and attending church service is no longer enough to motivate me.

I need a bigger surge of dopamine from self-destructive behavior to feel ok and I continue to do this in endless vicious cycle.

1. My addiction made me feel ashamed and inferior.
2. I have reach a stage where acting out in self-destructive behavior is not enjoyable anymore.
3. I have to do it because the distress of not doing it is too difficult to bear.
4. This illness made me lose the function to execute my free-will.
5. The most severe threat of punishment and heavy consequences has not kept me away from self-destructive behavior all the times.
6. I am willing to lose something very important to me in order to act out.
7. It has cause me great distress at not being able to control my strong urge to act out any self-destructive behavior.
8. I have become hopeless and helpless at my inability to control my strong urges to act out in self-destructive behavior. I would try to quit acting out every time, but then I would relapse, and this cycle would repeat again and again until there was self-hatred.

I need to face the truth, process my thoughts, feeling and emotion.

[kin]

There are hundreds of paths up the mountain,
all leading in the same direction,
so it doesn’t matter which path you take.
The only one wasting time is the one
who runs around and around the mountain,
telling everyone that his or her path is wrong.

[kin]

I was stubborn and determined to do as I want, regardless of the consequences:
I choose to over eat, I gamble, take alcohol, watch porn and get into debt.
I don’t want to diet, exercise, attend recovery meeting, church service, watch movie and window shop.
I deliberately and intentionally relapse.

[kin]

I am training again. I remember the beginning, it was year 2000 that I was rebuilding my body and mind for my recovery and family.
It was my first attempt jogging on the same park, I cannot finish half around the park, but I didn’t allow myself to quit, I PERSERVERE and PUSH through the PAIN, I tell myself that this PAIN was nothing compare to the PAIN and SUFFERING I caused to my FAMILY and MYSELF when I hit rock bottom. Today I completed one round in the park and could have continue to push on but I quitted because I was afraid of HARDSHIP and PAIN, I didn’t want to SUFFER.
I have walk out of the hopeless dark hole, I was no more suicidal or depress. I have a family, job, a place I called mine.
I have reached a stage where I was doing some thing I never did in my recovery before. I never knew I was addicted to carbohydrates and sugar and did not do anything about it until now. It made me realize that there was no short cut, once I stop working my recovery, I will BACKSLIDE.
I had to cut down on carbo and sugar from my diet, and I need to exercise. Failing to do so will see an immediate increase in my body weight. I am in the maintenance stage now.
I am not perfect, I CHEAT in my recovery. When I binge on carbo and put on weight, I stop the binging and stop digging the hole further.
GUESS this was the story of my recovery. I CHEAT.
Over the years, I have a few rock bottoms, the harder the pain and suffering, the harder I focus and work on ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I was always running away from pain and discomfort. When I feel stress, I find relief in food and gambling. That explain why I continue to do all the harmful and self-destructive stuff like losing all my money and putting on unhealthy weight because I didn’t know what else to do.
I can continue to stay abstinent, it will not kill me but I was really not doing my best and relapse. When I feel uncomfortable, stress, bored or anxious, I allow myself to binge on food, gambling, alcohol. These activities are predictable, It kept me distracted and occupied for hours and I enjoy doing them. I don’t have a habit of watching movie, window shopping, jogging or attending church service.
I need to have the attitude of someone new in recovery. I need to work hard replacing old ways with new ways.
Going total abstinent is simple but it really takes a great amount of effort to stay total abstinent on some difficult days.
This is my recovery, I don’t do this to impress anyone. Pride and ego aside, I can either pretend nothing was wrong or be honest and admit that I was wrong, and have been lying.
We are habitual people who like to keep doing the same things. It was insane to keep doing the same thing that was doing us harm every time etc. gambling.
I can either focus on not gambling or I can focus on doing new healthy ways ONE DAY AT A TIME.

[kin]

I was abstinent from carbohydrate and sugar for 14 days in my first attempt, 10 days in my second attempt and 2 days in my third attempt before I slipped over 8 weeks.
The constant battle with my desire, urge, and craving for carbohydrates and sugar / food was a sign of what would happen when I face the temptation of gambling and alcohol.
I have shown the same vulnerability and weakness in the face of temptations. I can slip and relapse, I actually allow myself to fail. It would be much more costly, expensive and destructive if this was gambling.
It reminded me to be more careful with gambling without the full-blown relapse, which is usually be too late by the time I realize what is happening.
I did not have to suffer the same heavy financial damage or hurt from gambling when I fail and fall to temptations from carbohydrates and sugar.
There are no instrument to check and measure my tolerant to temptation unlike those instruments that measure temperature or sugar level in the blood. Any tell tale sign alerting me help me to watch out for slip and lapse in gambling.
I was just working on my addiction, not the symptom such as over eating, gambling, alcohol, surfing internet, over working and sex.
I did lose 8 kg in weight since I started…I was not perfect but there was progress.

[kin]

I can be an impatient and complacent person, I do not like to be so strict with myself and manage every little thing RESPONSIBLY every day but that seem to be the only way that works for me and I have never done this before.
It was like the weight in every day. I can see the weight gain after I start to eat the food I like and shouldn’t, the body cannot burn STORED FAT when there is HIGH INSULIN in the body after I take carbohydrates.
Isn’t it the same like my addiction. There was no recovery when there was control gambling, and drinking.
There was still progress in what I have been doing provided the check are in place to manage what is happening. I am still losing more weight than I gain if I continue what I have been doing.
Every time I see that I am back sliding and gaining 1 to 3 kg again, I cut down on the carbohydrates and sugar completely and lost more. My recovery continues…the progress was like the cha cha dance, 3 STEPS FORWARD, 2 STEPS BACK and 3 STEPS FORWARD again.
I want the weight lost but I hate to put in the hard work and effort. I do not enjoy being responsible because it doesn’t feel comfortable at all.
It was like I want to recover from disease of addiction but I still want to continue to be irresponsible in my ways and do not want to put in the hard work and effort to succeed.
I have been told not to be too hard or strict with myself but sometimes that is the only way for it to work.
I am only human, I was NOT PERFECT, I will lapse from time to time…if I was NOT STRICT with myself, the mistake will be MORE SERIOUS!

[Author]

Posts