[kin]

Romans 1:18
The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness,

What did I learn today?
What did I find interesting?

Does Godlessness talk about people who don’t believe in God, don’t follow God or people full of self-belief, self-righteousness, self-justification and rationalization.

Did the wrath of God gave man a harden mind who think that wrong is right and right is wrong.

I know what it was like suppressing the truth because I didn’t think there was anything wrong in what I did when I gamble for fun, get drunk from alcohol, get high from drug, have sex outside marriage etc.

They say recovery is for people who do not believe in God and for people who believe in God but it does not work for people who think they are God.

In recovery, they talk about giving up self-will and follow God’s will.

[kin]

My self-righteousness was suppressing the truth.

I did many wrong things in this life, if I did not try to change, I will keep doing wrong.

Roman 1:17

In the gospel, the righteousness of God is revealed.

just as it is written:

“The righteous will live by faith.”

[kin]

How many times have this happen to me?

When I don’t believe in God, I depended only on myself.

When my faith in God is not strong, sometimes I find it not worthwhile to follow God. My self-will took over.

I thought that I was right when I choose to gamble. I have hope that I can win money to provide for my dependents.

I thought that I was not wrong when I choose to gamble with surplus money since I have paid all my bills and I was not indebted.

The wrath of God gave me a deprave mind, I believe right was wrong and wrong was right.

The truth was mentioned in the bible under verse Roman 1;28

New Living Translation

Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done.

Since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, He gave them up to a depraved mind, to do what should not be done.

[kin]

Everything is fine. I don’t have to turn everything upside down. I just need to DO NOTHING and leave everything the way it is.

My thought and feeling is not in line. I am still feeling that everything is not alright.

[kin]

I don’t experience such strong internal trigger every week. The good news is that this one just pass, the next one will not come so soon.

When it does come, the strongest craving and urges come in waves. If the first wave did not knock me down, the second one will try again, like a wave hitting the wall, follow by the next one. I would either become weaker with each wave and relapse or I would remain calm in the center of the storm until the wave dies.

I just check my thought, feeling and emotion. My thought was the same, gambling thought come and go in the head, but it did not trouble me like last night..

It does not affect my feeling and emotion. There was no craving urge to gamble or take alcohol tonight.

[kin]

Dear Dairy,

Another big hurricane has just pass that threaten to turn my life upside down last night. I was suffering from a mental obsession. Anyone suffering from this mental obsession know it was a torture and pain, hmm..just like a thorn in the flesh.

My urge to get rid of this uneasy and distressful feeling was very urgent. Past experiences tell me this feeling was not going to go away, it will only grow stronger unless I do something predictable and familiar such as gambling, alcohol or food. I am not familiar and do not know other more healthy and predictable ways to make this bad feeling go away.

I can become very impatient and unreasonable when this happen. I want a quick and instant solution. I was very anxious to get rid of this distress and torture quickly. I was willing to risk throwing everything away if I could get rid of this tormenting feeling.

Addict like me have incredible short memory. I have forgotten what it was like BEFORE. The CONSEQUENCES of GAMBLING was actually much MORE PAINFUL, there was MORE SUFFERING than the tormenting feeling I had before I press the self-destructive button.

In the relapse mode, I will turn into this forgetful, ungrateful, discontented, dissatisfied, selfish, self-centered, self-seeking and greedy person. I place my own personal interest above everyone and everything else. I only desire to feel good. My top priority was feeding my self-will.

I really believe that it was wrong for me to suffer. I don’t want to feel pain, torment and suffering, discomfort, uneasiness, stress and anxiety. I had to do something to change this bad feeling. It gave me the perfect reason to press the self-destructive button. It was a bad habit.

I am not ready and was not willing to sacrifice myself, I was not willing to suffer this torment at all cost.

I do not have the wisdom, strength, mindfulness, peace, patient and calm to BE STILL and DO NOTHING.

I thought if I do nothing, nothing will change, I will continue to experience this suffering and pain. This is bad.

In reality, every hurricane will pass.

I do not have to panic and turn to gambling, alcohol and food for an escape. Doing nothing, staying calm and be patient is another choice.

I should thank God for all my problems, pain and suffering. WITHOUT these problem, I would not have turn to God for help.  

The wisdom, strength, patient, peace and calm to BE STILL and DO NOTHING does not come from me, it came from a Higher Power and the Higher Power was not me. I can have the knowledge, but it will takes more than that to do it. If I could do it on my own, I would not be here.

What do people do when they face problem in their life. They praise God.

I have stop blaming God, my family, other people, places and things.

Everything has happens for a good reason. My problem has help me to rest on God and walk on faith in recovery.

[kin]

Dear Sister Monica,

Thank you for sharing your recovery journey with us. You have set a very good example for us to follow.

My health has not been perfect too. I was a physical, mental, emotional, spiritually and financially bankrupt person when I tried to recover from addiction. Reading your story remind me of mine and the many challenges and problem I still faces today. It was tough and so full of imperfection.

Imagine the pain and stress from the physical illness, the long term depressed feeling from the mental and emotional illness, the huge debt and poverty in my life, the impair judgement and poor moral values I had. They are a constant trigger that threaten me to act out my self-destructive behavior.

They causes me great discomfort to stay stop or total abstinent. You have shown great spiritual strength in pain and suffering. It was so easy for anyone to crumble under all these weight and just find a quick fix, relief and easy escape.

What you have achieve in total abstinent for more than 200 days is awesome!

Thank you for this wonderful and honest testimony, that we cannot do this on our own. Praise God for helping us do what we cannot do for ourselves.

 One baby step at a time, sister. Amen!

[kin]

Dear Sister Monica,

Thank you for sharing your recovery journey with us. You have set a very good example for us to follow.

My health has not been perfect too. I was a physical, mental, emotional, spiritually and financially bankrupt person when I tried to recover from addiction. Reading your story remind me of mine and the many challenges and problem I still faces today. It was tough and so full of imperfection.

Imagine the pain and stress from the physical illness, the long term depressed feeling from the mental and emotional illness, the huge debt and poverty in my life, the impair judgement and poor moral values I had. They are all a constant trigger that threaten me to act out my self-destructive behavior.

They causes me great discomfort to stay stop or total abstinent. You have shown great spiritual strength in pain and suffering. It was so easy to crumble under all these weights and just seek a quick fix, find a relief and escape.

What you have achieve in total abstinent for more than 200 days is awesome!

Thank you for this wonderful and honest testimony, that we cannot do this on our own. Praise God for helping us do what we cannot do for ourselves.

 

[kin]

It was another wave of attack!

Something was not right with the chemical or hormones in my body and head. I was feeling the urge to do something again!

I knew that I was struggling with a strong urge to do something and this uneasy feeling is not going to go away unless I do something. I become very anxious and consider gambling, alcohol, or food.

This is WAR!!! I was fighting a mental obsession. I was resisting the urge to press the self-destructive button. I was standing still by the road side feeling very anxious telling myself the consequences of acting out.

By the grace of God, I saw a wheelchair bound man heading towards my direction and pass me. He was a God send messenger and life saver to me. My feeling changed immediately after I saw him, I immediately calm down and peace return to me.

I was curious and wonder where is this wheelchair bound person going. It took him so much strength and effort just to push the wheel on the wheelchair to go anywhere. He must have to think very hard before deciding to go anywhere every time.

And here I was struggling to make the decision to go somewhere, I was so UNGRATEFUL. I was not grateful to be able to go anywhere easily.

After I remember to be grateful, I was contented and satisfied to go anywhere or NO WHERE.

Why I must I go somewhere tonight? Why is my urge to go somewhere or anywhere so strong? why am I losing my peace and feeling uneasy?

Why am I not contented, satisfied and peaceful to DO NOTHING!

Thank God! I choose to go to a nearby shopping mall for a walk and do nothing else. When I was feeling satisfied and contented, I just head home.

For many years around February or March and October or November every year, my relapse was always around the corner. It was as predictable as the seasonal big HURRICANE that turn my life upside down. I cannot adapt to drastic change in the weather and temperature very well.

Lately I have been very focus on placing God, and family first before myself that I have forgotten about the seasonal Hurricane in my life that was passing by.

There was progress. I learn to DO NOTHING when the HURRICANE was here, I didn’t abuse gambling, alcohol and food tonight.

I was CONTENDED and SATISFIED to go nowhere and DO NOTHING

Surviving One Day At A Time

[kin]

I tried to survive today. The temptation to ask a girlfriend for sex, borrow to gamble, or abuse food was strong and dangerous just now. I have relapse many times this way. I have just completed 2.8km of slow jogging in 22 minutes, I am still perspiring as I write. I check my thought, feeling and emotion now, the urge to do all the above has disappear.

[kin]

Many of us find that GAMBLING provided us with temporary relief. We gamble to cope with the pain of fundamental obsession. I don’t know what I wish to do now. I only know how to eat and gamble, the craving was strong but not enough to press the panic button. I feel kind of bored and would like to have some fun, excitement or laughter. I better go for a jog before I gamble.

[kin]

People aspire to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer. No one in the world ask to be an addict.

No one understand what an addict need to face to get well better than another recovering addict.

Every baby step progress we made gives our love one and us hope for the future.

It is easy to stop every single time , but the real challenge remain in staying stop.

Best wishes

Kin

[kin]

I was feeling really tired and down for the past few days, it looked like I am suffering from a downward mood swing. This is so common for people with depression, I remember what it was like. I did a reality check of my thought, feeling and emotion and there was no major wrong in my life. I was still grateful and contented. I am thankful about my current situation. I continue to be hopeful. I did not wish for any drastic change to my life, but that didn’t change the way I feel when I wake up. This is recovery in action. I did not turn to alcohol, slot machine, sports punting, sex and “food!!!!!” for self-medication, relief and escape. I choose to rest and wait for this feeling to pass, it will go away eventually. I did not need to do foolish thing to change the way I feel. That was not the case for many years in the past, I feel that it was wrong to feel bad and try to change all that. This kind of situation gave me the perfect excuse to press the panic or self destructive button.

[kin]

Good job on your honesty. It will do wonder to your recovery.
No one is better or worst than another person in here. We share our strength and hope in here.
The good people here is non judge-mental, non critical and they respect your sharing, feeling and decision.
They share your pain when you fall and celebrate with you when you do well.
We learn from one another experience, how and what they do when the same thing happen to them.
Slip and relapse are a part of our recovery. We learn from our lesson.
One baby step at a time. One day at a time. Seek progress not perfection.

[kin]

Lent is a 40 period prior to Easter Day

Easter, where we celebrate the resurrection of Christ, is preceded by Lent, a season of self-examination, fasting and penance in preparation for our Easter Day observance.

The 40 days of Lent, which precedes Easter is based on two Biblical accounts: the 40 years of wilderness wandering by the Israelites and our Lord’s 40 days in the wilderness at which point He was tempted by Satan.

The goal of every Christian is to leave Lent a stronger and more vital person of faith than when we entered.

We participate in abstinence, times of fasting, confession and acts of mercy to strengthen our faith and devotional disciplines.

Luke 4:2 ²where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry.

Matthew 4:1 ¹Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.

Mark 1:13 ¹³and he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan.

Dear diary,

I only realize what I was doing after I have tried it.

When I go abstinent from Carbohydrate and sugar, I was practicing putting down my desire of the flesh every day and I had to experience hunger and temptations very often.

I have found out that this experience makes me a better and stronger person in recovery. It did not made me a perfect person but I was very sure that I am a better person now than before I start practicing abstinence and sacrificing my self-will.

It has make me less impulsive, compulsive, self-centered and self-seeking.

I have experiences a cleansing spiritually and physically that gives me more believe, faith and hope in God and the recovery program.

I have experience the benefits and rewards, I want more of it.

 

[Author]

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