[kin]

He said to them,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.” They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed. Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[kin]

In life, many things are uncertain and unpredictable. Like a ship sailing in the sea, sometimes it goes a little off course due to strong winds or currents, this is like the living problems we face every day, it can sometime throw us off our balance, it is perfectly ok to drift from time to time.
It is not the end of the world, but what is more important is the awareness and the ability to recognize and “catch oneself” before it is too late, the willingness to change, refocus and continue to head in the right direction.

[kin]

A stone cutter may strike the rock 99 times with no apparent effect, not even a crack on the surface. Yet with the hundredth blow, the rock splits in two. It was not the final blow that did the trick, but all that had gone before. I may pursue a goal for months without obvious results and become convinced that I was wasting my time. But if I continue going to meeting, sharing about my struggle, taking it one day at a time, and being patient with myself, I may awaken one day, to find that I have change, seemingly overnight. I have a gut feel that all these months of faith and hard work will made the changes possible one day and the results would reveal themselves abruptly one day. It took me a long time to become a addict and it may take a long time for me to recover.

You must be patient.

[kin]

God created all things visible and invisible, like the visible tree and its invisible root. If a recovering person is free from gambling but not deep rooted with spiritual principles. Any strong winds will uproot the tree.

Just like the person is waiting for some good or bad news to happen and
he/she will lose his/her sobriety.

Some things to think about
A recovering person can stop gambling
But the living problems is not going to stop

Everyone can stop gambling but the trick is staying stop

[kin]

The fat cat is the betting houses or bookies. The gambler keep losing and giving their hard earn money to them This cat grows fat.

The skinny cat is the mother, wife and children The gambler is not giving them enough This cat grow skinny.

The sleeping cat was the gambler The gambler does not have the awareness to know what is happening around them. This cat is sleeping. You really need to wake up!

[kin]

The story was about a mountain climber, who wanted to climb the highest mountain. He began his adventure after many years of preparation, but since he wanted the glory just for himself, he decided to climb the mountain alone. The night felt heavy in the heights of the mountains, and the man could not see anything. All was black. Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.
As he was climbing, only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, he slipped and fell into the air, falling at a great speed. The climber could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity. He kept falling… and in those moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about how close death was getting, when all of a sudden he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard.
His body was hanging in the air. Only the rope was holding him, and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice but scream, “HELP ME GOD!!”
All of a sudden, a deep voice coming from the sky answered, “What do you want Me to do?”
“Save me God!!”
“Do you really think I can save you?”
“Of course I believe You can.”
“Then cut the rope tied to your waist.”
There was a moment of silence and the man decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength.
The rescue team found the climber dead and frozen on the next day…his body hanging from a rope – His hands holding tight to the rope only 10 feet away from the ground.

When are you going to let go of the gambling?

[kin]

Chapter 1

I walk down the street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I fall in. I am lost.I am hopeless, It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But I believe it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I see it is there I still fall in, it‘s a habit I know where I am It is my fault I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[kin]

I was feeling very calm peaceful and contented today but it was not like this 3 days ago. It was terrible, I was losing my self-control. I was going crazy and very unstable. I wish to gamble, have sex, consume alcohol and binge eat. I will never be able to understand why this happen?

Is it the chemical or hormones imbalance in my head or body. I dont know why?

I needed to be firm about gambling, alcohol, sex and food otherwise my indecisiveness will made my mind very unstable.

I was really tormented and suffer over the weekend, I was very vulnerable and prone to do wrong on those days but not today.

Isn’t it amazing that the truth of it all was written in the bible more than 2000 years ago. (Philippians 1:5-8)

5If any of you LACKS WISDOM, he should ASK GOD, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

6But he must ASK IN FAITH, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

7That man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

8He is a DOUBLE-MINDED man, UNSTABLE in all his ways.

[kin]

One of the most difficult thing for me to learn from recovery, life and God was living life on life’s term.

I found out the hard way, I realized and learn how life is full of up and down, good things and bad things can happen to anyone, not only a person doing good, it was a very hard and painful pill to swallow and accept.

It was so easy to be satisfied, contented and thank God when life is smooth sailings, but it takes a lot of strength, courage and wisdom to stay calm, peaceful, thankful in recovery and praise God when bad things happen in our life.

I have learn not to have unrealistic expectations. I have learnt to accept the setback and my mistakes in my life thankfully. It has change me into the person I have become.

If all the bad things that has happen in my life can change me into a better person or help me to find God, it was not such a bad thing after all, right? Of course I feel thankful.

I have pick up the skill to keep my ship sailing after I hit the rocks. I just simply change my direction while I cover up the holes and continue my search for hope and follow the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I choose to continue to believe in God ‘s and the 12 steps recovery promises.

I have taken baby steps forward for 13 years now. I was not a popular or perfect recovery role model  because I have fallen countless times over the years but I am very sure about one thing, I did not fall on the same spot in time because time is always moving ahead.

The worst thing that can happen to me was to stop living practically because “time is always moving ahead but my life was still living in the past.” Many call this depression.

I have survived depression, I have survived slip and relapses of all kind all the times. I choose not to be defeated. Even if I had to walk with a limp, even if I have to crawl to the finish line, I will continue this journey of recovery in life.

Do not belittle the baby steps, they add up over time. You will see the light and find hope one day…just keep going.

I will be telling one big lie if I did not mention this important truth, the problem in my life continue to be there, old ones will disappear, new ones will appear, but the quality of my life, etc. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially has improves. My relationship with the family was restored, I have more joy and happiness now, my debts has reduced… slowly but surely, I never imagine that I can have a place I call my own so soon, along the way, I have done different jobs but I continue to have work.   

One of the most important thing I have learn in recovery is start the healing immediately, however slow it can be and stop the rotting. Some stop digging the hole sooner, some stop later but you have to stop digging end of the day.

This is the wonder and magic of living one day at a time, or in my case one baby step at a time. 

[kin]

14But each one is tempted when by his own EVIL DESIRES he is lured away and enticed.

15Then after desire has conceived, it GIVES BIRTH TO SIN; and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death. ( James 1:14-15)

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you encounter TRIAL of many kinds, 3because you know that the TESTING of your FAITH develops PERSERVERANCE.

4Allow perseverance to finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

5If any of you LACKS WISDOM, he should ASK GOD, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

6But he must ASK IN FAITH, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

7That man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

8He is a DOUBLE-MINDED man, UNSTABLE in all his ways. (Philippians 1:2-8)

[kin]

I am no pastor, counsellor or 12 steps sponsor but I can understand the temptation and urges that they experience when helping someone of the opposite sex. Everything was fine and I have taken for granted that this place which I have drop in for 13 years. Recently I brought an ex girlfriend to seek help at the same place after she had a fail suicide attempt. She is recovering from depression and fine now. I have done something I never do before in the last 13 years there. I have never ask another recovering person for sex but I asked her, it was a habit I couldn’t resist asking. This is wrong and I plan to stay away from this place for a while. Thought it will be good for both of us in recovery.

[kin]

Loving God, I know that you Love me, I confess that I have let you down.
Every day I betray You, crucify You. I betray You when I am selfish or unkind.
I misunderstand You when I justify my actions by misquoting Your teaching.
I am truly sorry, and I wait for Your word of love.
Through Christ, my Lord. Amen.

[kin]

Dear diary, Towards the end, I was learning to consult and trust my mentor fully. It was an important step in my recovery. I admit that I was very self-righteous, and I was the higher power in my life in the past. Today I don’t trust me and my self-will anymore. The goal of my self-will was to feed my selfish desires. My self-will has got me into troubles every time. Ever since I was introduced to a Higher Power in recovery. I start to learn about a power greater than me. I learn to check myself. Is it the light talking to me? Is it the darkness talking to me? Is it my imagination talking to me? I was sad and happy to realize the truth. I was sad because I thought that I was right but it turn out to be something that is out to sabotage me.. for example: trying to do too many things in too little time or doing too much. I was setting myself up for failure, it was threatening to wipeout my recovery. I cannot see all that. I need someone to tell me. I am happy that the Higher Power was right and that Higher Power was not me.

[kin]

Today I learnt that
Gambling is all about False Hope and Hopeless End
Recovery is all about the Truth and Endless Hope!

[kin]

My judgement was based on my Self-righteousness.

Since my Self-righteousness Is blind, I should not put myself in a situation which require me to decide whether to gamble or not to gamble.

[Author]

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