[kin]

I do not wish for anyone to go thru all the trial, pain and suffering that I experience.
I only know that I need to march and carry on. I really don’t know where my strength to carry on comes from.
I really don’t know what messages I am carrying and delivering because I was always falling.
After more than 15 years, it has become easier for me to put down my thoughts and feelings in writing here.
I seem to be writing about my many failures and struggles but amidst them all, there are rewards and improvement in my recovery and life.

[kin]

My experience, training and judgement have serve me well. It has help me many times in my life but not all the time.

I felt so helpless, sad and very unhappy, admitting and writing this truth because it does not help me every time, sometime it does not reflect the truth.

I have used and depended on the same experience, training and judgement to help me made every decision every time but I found out that it was not reliable and dependable.

My thought and feeling affected my decisions. My thoughts and feelings changes and my decision was not the same every times. At the most critical and crucial times in my life. It has failed me!

I have experience many successes that I was proud of today but they have never lasted because of my handicap or illness. It has always end in failure and sadness.

The same experience, training and judgement has made me commit some of the worst sins and mistakes one can imagine.

I have to learn to live with and accept this illness now otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago or I would continue to live in darkness, disappointment, depression, and helplessness. Today I am achieving new things with the limit I have now.

In conclusion, my self-will is not dependable.

I need to surrender and let go completely of my will and depend on God’s will. God’s word was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The possibilities is unlimited.

I am surviving and living on God, my family’s Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness today. Amen!

[kin]

Confusion and delirium
CONFUSION and delirium refer to a disturbance of consciousness.
I was not aware of my environment, I remember feeling very tired and cold, agitated and losing my calm. My THINKING appears CLOUDY and I become SLOW TO RESPOND.
Delusions – false beliefs and hope
DELUSIONS are fixed FALSE BELIEFS that people hold DESPITE strong evidence against those beliefs.
Some delusions are based on a misinterpretation of actual perceptions and experiences.
Disorganized behavior
DiISORGANIZED behavior refers to DOING THINGS THAT I DON’T NORMALLY DO for no apparent reason or to being unable to behave normally.
Mood extremes
MOOD EXTREMES include outbursts of rage, periods of extreme elation (mania) or depression, and, conversely, constant expression of little or no emotion (appearing unresponsive or apathetic).

I could still REMEMBER that it was a wrong doing but I was TOO SLOW TO RESPOND until it become TOO LATE.
Under a NORMAL SITUATION, I would remain safe because I still have a safety boundary in the head but this safety net would disappear, it is all gone once I become mentally unsound and unstable.

[kin]

I felt fatigue, tired, stress and cold.
I was suddenly doing what I don’t normally do. Instead of resting and taking a break, I continue acting out.
These symptoms appear suddenly, I started to act out despite negative consequences or doing harm to myself.
I have lost all my awareness, mindfulness ad consciousness inside and outside my body.
I could not stop this act or walk away.

[kin]

Thoughts, feelings and action

I remember what happen?

Suddenly I was doing what I don’t normally do.  I should not have listen and follow my thought and feeling all the times because sometime it does not reflect the truth.

I was just shock that I can still be impulsive and compulsive, losing my total self control..

It is too late to take a different action plan from my thought and feeling now. I should have stop, take a break, wait and see, think before I acted. 

What was wrong?

How can I think and feel that it was right to do something when it Is wrong or feel that it was wrong when it Is the right thing to do. 

My thoughts and feelings can change and do not always reflect the truth! 

What it was like for me?

After the event, I will be very shock, not because the ending Is always the same. I was very shock at the sudden drastic and extreme change in my thought, feeling and behavior.

Since I was normal in my behavior most of the times, It was simply unbelievable and not unacceptable to be act abnormal one day.

I did not prepare for such a day. I never imagine that I could do such a thing again. I did not adopt a stop, wait and see what is happening before I think and act. 

I become very impatient, and acted impulsively and compulsively. I regret such a shameful, selfish, self-centered and irresponsible behavior. It happen to me every single time.

I have not acted like this for a long time, so I never expected it to happen again. 

I can still be very vulnerable and prone to making the same mistake everyday.   

I thought and felt that I was more stable now. I was more focus, discipline and patient. I was even willing to wait and see…. wait for the right timing or moment and slowly take my baby steps to progress.

Every time without fail, everything will change suddenly one day as my thoughts and feelings changes and affect my decisions.

Suddenly I will become impulsive, compulsive and impatient, I will also lose my peace and calm.

My judgement become very poor and unreliable at this point of time.

I was rushing the decision, I am not able or willing to wait for the right timing and walk away when the situation is not right.,

I have lost all my awareness and mindfulness or consciousness, all the mental boundary and safety net has disappeared. I can still stop to save myself or walk away but I choose not to stop or I could not stop, I started to make mistake or bad decision.

I have become blind to the dangerous situation, I continue repeating the same mistake. I could not see that. I would not be able to accept that I cannot change the situation.

I can still save myself now by walking away at this time but I have become blind, confuse and lost. It is so sad. It was simply shocking and unbelievable, I was suddenly doing what I don’t normally do.

During the self-destructive moments, the self-destruction happens so fast. It may take a long time to rebuild my life each time but it only took a few second to turn everything upside down.

All I could only remember now:

Every single time the outcome was different from my thought and feelings. I should not have listen to my thought and feelings at those moments.  The experience and knowledge that I depended and trusted so much in the past for decision making has become unreliable. It has become useless and unreliable.

I will think and feel that it was right when it is wrong or it was wrong when it Is right.

I should have taken a different action plan from my thought and feeling.

What actually happen?

I was either tired, unwell, stress or the place was very cold.

I didn’t know all these can affect a person concentration and thinking.

[kin]

Gambling addiction is like a tiger lying in wait for its prey. Unfortunately, we are the prey! The tiger is extremely patient as it waited for the optimal moment to pounce on its unsuspecting victim.
The tiger is well camouflaged with denial, minimization, rationalization, and other psychological defenses, so it is hard to distinguish the tiger from its surroundings. Its stealth makes it hard to identify as it is sneaking up and preparing to attack.

Addiction is cunning and baffling. Many time its victims do not know they are being stalked until it is too late.

This tiger doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t go away. It merely recedes into the background. It is always there, waiting for a lapse in our spiritual program. For example: When we are feeling down and out because we have gotten into a bitter argument with someone, or when we have received a special recognition at work or promotion and feel that we deserve to celebrate. The tiger will act on any opportunity to regain control of our life.

The first thing to look out is whether our disease is once again trying to establish a foothold in our life. It may be setting us up to take charge and run the show. It is always looking for that opportunity to convince us to return to gambling.

A person in early recovery looks for all the ways that his gambling isn’t as bad as those around him / her. I wasn’t that out of control, I am not indebted. I did not borrow to gamble. The list goes on and on and on.

Before long, he convinced himself that he can return to gambling, he just need to control it better this time around. This is a person who has not truly surrendered.

This disease is capable of convincing us to go ahead and gamble again.
“This time it will be different, I am not a gambling addict.” The addicted part of us will insist on this position, despite overwhelming evidences.

This disease will selectively ignore information that validates our powerlessness. This filtering is called the Selective Inattention. The information that indicate we are an addict and are unable to control our gambling is ignored.

Watching out how this beast may be sabotaging our recovery is crucial.
Watch and listen. It will be our own life that we save if we keep our vigil.

[kin]

I have become more thankful and positive. I was able to see and continue to seek the endless hope! I do not sink into self pity and beat myself up until I cannot get up so easily nowadays in hopeless end.

Sometime I can still remember to look at all the good things that recovery has given me and not at all the failures and the good things that I did not get and cannot do.

I may stop to adjust and FIND my DIRECTION but I cannot stay stop for too long, once I find the right direction, I need to take action immediately. The goal for every recovering person was the same which was to be FREE from all SELF-DESTRUCTIVE behaviors.

Many people MOVE towards this ultimate goal at a DIFFERENT PACE and some people need MORE HELP than others. There will be some exceptional cases where complete abstinence is not possible, for example some who may need on-going medication to help them with their substance dependence or co-occurring disorders such as depression.

I am doing this to help myself. I needed this more than anyone. I do not need another recovering person to be judgmental and critical of me and I definitely cannot be judgmental and critical of others because I do not know what they has gone through.

Thank God I am alive today!

[kin]

The act of gambling compulsively despite negative consequences, affects millions of people around the world and can quickly ruin lives if treatment is not sought.

[kin]

The chains of gambling are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken!

[kin]

The two primary characteristics of selfishness are:
1.Being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself.
2.Having no regard for the needs or feelings of others.

[kin]

Hi all,
I agrees with Monica1, I have ended up spending all my money looking for the love that was missing in my life, gambling was a bad choice, it only help me to hit the rock bottom faster.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

That was why I relapse many times in the past, I was feeling empty and I had tried to self medicate with slot machine.

The more I focus on the emptiness, the more discontented and unstable I become.

Today I learn to be grateful for the emptiness and boredom that gambling free days has brought me in comparison to the despair, agony, disappointment, stress and debts that gambling has given me.

I am safe today because I was able to focus on the all the good things in life that I feel staying gamble free has given me. I need to stay focus!

[kin]

The tenth commandment declares: “Thou shalt not covet…” (Exodus 20:17).

Coveting is desiring what belongs to someone else; it is wanting more than you already have.

To gamble requires seeking prosperity at the expense of others.

The prime motivation for all forms of gambling is to gain what is not ours. That is covetousness.

 According to Colossians 3:5, covetousness is idolatry.

1 Timothy 6:10, “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

Proverbs 15:27 The greedy bring ruin to their households, but the one who hates bribes will live.

2 Corinthians 9:8 says that God will see to it that His children will have all sufficiency in all things.

When we gamble, we are in effect saying to the Lord that He cannot or will not keep His promises.

Gambling is not an act of faith; it is a denial of the faith.

It is a denial of the truths of God’s Holy Word.

[kin]

Psalm 69:6

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others.

Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot.

Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others. God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine throughs.

Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[kin]

Gambling addiction is like a tiger lying in wait for its prey. Unfortunately, we are the prey! The tiger is extremely patient as it waited for the optimal moment to pounce on its unsuspecting victim.

The tiger is well camouflaged with denial, minimization, rationalization, and other psychological defenses, so it is hard to distinguish the tiger from its surroundings. Its stealth makes it hard to identify as it is sneaking up and preparing to attack.

Addiction is cunning and baffling. Many time its victims do not know they are being stalked until it is too late.

This tiger doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t go away. It merely recedes into the background. It is always there, waiting for a lapse in our spiritual program. For example: When we are feeling down and out because we have gotten into a bitter argument with someone, or when we have received a special recognition at work or promotion and feel that we deserve to celebrate. The tiger will act on any opportunity to regain control of our life.

The first thing to look out is whether our disease is once again trying to establish a foothold in our life. It may be setting us up to take charge and run the show. It is always looking for that opportunity to convince us to return to gambling.

A person in early recovery looks for all the ways that his gambling isn’t as bad as those around him / her. I wasn’t that out of control, I am not indebted. I did not borrow to gamble. The list goes on and on and on.

Before long, he convinced himself that he can return to gambling, he just need to control it better this time around. This is a person who has not truly surrendered.

This disease is capable of convincing us to go ahead and gamble again.

“This time it will be different, I am not a gambling addict.” The addicted part of us will insist on this position, despite overwhelming evidences.

This disease will selectively ignore information that validates our powerlessness. This filtering is called the Selective Inattention. The information that indicate we are an addict and are unable to control our gambling is ignored.

Watching out how this beast may be sabotaging our recovery is crucial.

Watch and listen. It will be our own life that we save if we keep our vigil.

[Author]

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