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I am tired of cleaning the same old mess created by me.

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I never imagine myself to have this feeling and saying this one day.

Gambling is not my lover anymore. I am very worried about this lover, I am afraid of getting hurt deeply by this ex lover again.

Any of my falsehood and lies was dangerous, any attempt to renew or maintain a platonic friendship with this lover only bring back more pain and turn my life upside down.

Each time takes an awefully long time to recover from the hurt and damage. I do not need this in my life anymore.

[kin]

My condition has improve but I was still not cured.

I could only accept my health condition and try to do my best with the cards that Life has deal me.

Can I earn forgiveness and mercy by what I do now? There are always people that I have harm who will never forgive me by whatever I do today. What about the love, mercy and forgiveness I continue to get and receive from my family, friends and love one? It was given to me unconditionally. I did not earn them.

What I was trying very hard to do now is what every normal and responsible person is doing all the time. It was nothing special. 

Even that I could not do well all the time, I have my limitation, ordinary thing is proving difficult for me..

As I learn and try to do the right things, I continue to fail. I felt a deep sense of pain and sadness. I still cannot succeed with my own strength.

Suddenly I have a strong feeling that it was wrong of me to think that I am worthy and deserving. I am not running away from my responsibility, I have shown improvement but I still fail overall.

I felt like a terrorist, my family and love ones are my hostages, they are force to accept me, and have nowhere to run

I really hate the feeling of losing control in my finance and everything is slowly falling apart and yet have to continue trying.

It really require a lot of resilience and perserverence to keep on trying

[kin]

I do not need to understand why I should not gamble
I only need to accept that I cannot gamble.

[kin]

When the situation change, I would change to adapt to the situation. This is how I survive all my life.

Many time when I stop gambling and there was any changes in my life, my belief can change and suddenly gambling become something acceptable. I do not have a moral compass. 

I cannot trust myself, my thoughts and feelings can change. It was not the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.

I must learn to give up my old ways.

[kin]

God will be found righteous when condemning human sin but in confronting human disobedience and sin, God will remain faithful to the saving “words”

It was written in Psalm 89:30-35. “Should his descendants desert my law, and not keep to my rulings, should they violate my statues, and not observe my commandments, then I shall punish their offences with the rod, their guilt with the whip, but I shall never withdraw from him my faithful love, I shall not belie my constancy, I shall not violate my covenant, I shall not withdraw the word once spoken.

10 As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; 11 there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. ~ (Book of Romans 3:10-11)

I dont need to understand and I will never understand but I will have to pay the price for my disobedient when I gamble..

I only know that if the punishment is not now or later, it is not yet but it will come. I will never be able to escape the consequences of gambling.

Today I wanted to gamble but I choose to walk away because I didn’t want to be punish.

Gambling is not a solution or answer to my problem.

[kin]

In the past, I thought it was not the same when I gamble; The consequences is heavy if I lose my self-control and lost heavily, but I have escape these immediate punishment many times because I win in the gamble. The punishment was no guarantee and it cannot stop me from gambling.

Today I read that it was written punishment can be immediate “God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. ” ~ (Romans chapter 1 verse 28)  “32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.” (Romans chapter 1verse 32)

28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

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I do not kill and rob; these wrong doing will put me behind bar by law, punishment was guaranteed, it was able to stop me.

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Sometimes when I feel like everything is going dark, suffocating, stressful, helpless, lost and confuse again. I feel like I was being buried underground like a dead man.

I was buried underground and felt afraid and fearful. I am scare and cannot see that I was being planted like a seed covered with soil.

I could not see the Truth, That was how a seed grow, when God wants you to grow, he makes you uncomfortable.

Losing weight and going on diet, working out to get fitter and stronger, training to run longer and further. Staying sugar free for a diabetic. Staying gamble and alcohol free for an addict – they are uncomfortable sometime if not all the time.

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Imagine what is going on in the mind of the person

There are just too many reasons not to sacrifice my interest. If given a choice, it would be natural for me to choose one that is comfortable, selfish and greedy. The falsehood and lies in my head is telling me that it was ok to be disobedient and gamble or take alcohol.

My troubles in the past, were mostly all self inflicted. I got into trouble all the times when I choose to listened to me and be disobedient to God. 

I should not have listen to me and be obedient to God.

I cannot escape the wrath, punishment and consequences from my bad choices and decisions. The price is too heavy to pay !

[kin]

Dated 16 April 2018, its day one on the new job. I need to remain gamble free for 365 days to regain the peace and freedom I once had.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I worry a lot everyday lately and was glad to see these messages today.

Four Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Worry – by Rick Warren
“Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matthew 6:25 NIV).

Worry is essentially a control issue. It’s trying to control the uncontrollable. We can’t control the economy, so we worry about the economy. We can’t control our children, so we worry about our children. We can’t control the future, so we worry about the future. But worry never solves anything! It’s stewing without doing.

In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gives four reasons why you don’t need to worry.

1. Worry is unreasonable.

Matthew 6:25 says, “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (NIV).

Jesus is saying that if it’s not going to last, don’t worry about it. To worry about something you can change is foolish. To worry about something you can’t change is useless. Either way, it’s unreasonable to worry.

2. Worry is unnatural.

Jesus gives us an illustration from nature in Matthew 6:26: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (NIV).

There’s only one thing in all of God’s creation that worries: people. We’re the only things God has created that don’t trust him, and God says this is unnatural.

3. Worry is unhelpful.

It doesn’t change anything. Matthew 6:27 says, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (NIV). When you worry about a problem, it doesn’t bring you one inch closer to a solution. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair — a lot of activity, energy, and motion, but no progress. Worry doesn’t change anything except you. It makes you miserable!

4. Worry is unnecessary.

Matthew 6:30 says, “If God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won’t he more surely care for you, O men of little faith?” (TLB). If you trust in God, you don’t need to worry. Why? Because he has promised to take care of all your needs: “God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19 NIV).

Does that include bills? Yes. Does that include relational conflicts? Yes. Does that include your dreams and goals and ambitions? Yes. Does that include the health issues you don’t how to handle? Yes. God will meet all your needs in Christ.

Don’t worry about it!

[kin]

Ever since the day I was introduce and encourage by my mentor to seek the Truth in the Bible. I was amaze till this day, to find them written more than 2000 years ago. Praise God.

Jesus asked, “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46)

and challenge His disciples: “You must deny yourself and take up your cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

“Now go and sin no more” (John 8:11)

“See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” (John 5:14)

[kin]

I didn’t want to write about this because it was very personal but this was what I thought and felt yesterday.

I was nothing but I remember the story of Abraham and Isaac, It was a test on obedient and faith. I was not willing to sacrifice my self interest before others but I was glad I did yesterday and experience the same good ending, I didn’t have to suffer any loss being obedient and faithful.

My belief will now grow stronger because “what happen to me yesterday felt unbelievable and was strong evidence.”

After updating my journal, I chose not to report to the working place since I was not call upon. The moment I lie down to continue my sleep, the phone produce a noise from an incoming message.

It was from the company person in charge, it was like he heard my prayer and answer me.

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When I was my higher power, there is no God and no person to stop me when I was going out of control.

This has been the story of my life; I have destroyed every relationship, career, business important to me that was carefully nurtured, built and treasured over a long time.

Every incident has hurt me deeply, it was like losing a child I love forever and the person who murder them was me. I cannot bring them back now and it still brought back great pain and disappointment, regret and remorse when I think of them.

Every ending start with an impulse; it was a sudden strong uncontrollable urge to do or say something that was self-destructive.

I have destroyed every relationship, career and other success I had this way.

[Author]

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