[kin]

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him.

Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying: “Just take care of my eyes dear.”

This is how human brain changes when the status changed.

Only few remember what life was before. How many times did I gamble again after life have change?

This is very dangerous to me, because when my thoughts and feelings change, gambling must not become permissable. It is wrong and should not happen.

[kin]

One of the worst thing that can happen to me was isolating myself out of fear and one of the best thing that can happen to me was doing something physical out in the open near mother nature.

[kin]

Never experience this before. Recently I have been recalling my past.

Today I remember breaking rules, being disobedient and rebellious, corrupted and telling lies when I was growing up. I don’t listen to my parents, my school principle and authorities. They always wanted me to work hard, be discipline and have integrity.

I always get scolded and trick into doing the right thing. I wished I could do wrong without the scolding and getting caught, I took the opportunity when they come.

What is wrong in doing something fun – at that time, I didn’t know it was morally wrong.

I chose the easy and lazy way, taking short cut and getting the same desirable result with lesser time and effort. – I thought this was smart, i didnt know this is corrupted and dishonest.

I only knew that I was disobeying a Higher Power and breaking the rule, I never break the law. I did not think it was serious, I cannot see that I was dishonest, corrupted and a cheat.

I can still remain honest and acceptable by everyone and the society if I was not caught. I am still righteous in their eyes. I feel very much in control.

I didn’t know that I will have to pay a very heavy price in later life.

Now I realize that breaking rules when young may turn to breaking the law in adulthood. It has become a natural, instinctive, and uncontrollable, habitual thing for me to do..

God is just, fair and righteous. Praise God. I deserve my punishments. 

I am trying to change. I feel very disappointed, painful and sad when I see myself breaking my promise and losing control. I didn’t want that to happen anymore.

[kin]

The life of a recovering person is like walking up an escalator moving downward.

The reality is very unforgiving and cruel. Once I stop climbing, the escalator will bring me down where I started every single time.

How do I know? Cuz I have been doing this for more than 10 years now and nothing I do last. Once I stop climbing, guess what happen next and where I ended up? The story is a familiar one for many and I really do not wish the same thing to happen to anyone.

Everyday we will have many fights in the head. There are so many decisions or choices to be made between doing right and wrong.  

Keep fighting the good fight everyday for life!

[kin]

There is no discipline and control in my life, I do what I want.

I do not practice denying my desires; My desire to do what I like such as binge eating, drinking and gambling and my desire not to do what I don’t like such as exercise and working. I will give up and self-medicate when I experience stress, pain and suffering. It has become a habit and lifestyle that turns my life upside down.

The best time in my recovery happens when I practice some form of restrain in my life.

I practice control and impose a limit on my liking such as eating, drinking and gambling. I eat moderately, stop drinking and gambling completely. I had to perservere and practice doing what I dont like such as exercise and work. I accept, tolerate, and endure the stress, pain and discomfort every day.

[kin]

I knew it was wrong to gamble, but where did I find the courage and common sense to do wrong. I knew the consequences, yet I allow it to happen, irregardless of the damage I can do to myself or others in the process.

Maybe it was not courage and it was not foolishness, maybe I was just evil. It arises from bad character or conduct; Immoral, wicked, and corrupted.

[kin]

Sometime I really need to look outside of me to find someone or some purpose more important and greater than me to do anything.

When I focus on my thought & feeling, I become crippled by my fear and too afraid to do anything.

[kin]

Thank you Laura

[kin]

Without a Higher Power helping me, I will not be able to stay “gamble free” but having a Higher Power did not make me gamble free, it only gave me the wisdom, strength and motivation I need to stay gamble free.

If I love God, if I love my family, I should not gamble.

I have failed miserably when I was my own Higher Power. I cannot stop gambling on my own free-will because of my sinful, selfish, self-centered and self-seeking nature.

After all these years: What has not change was the fact that I was still the same person who gambled. What has change now was the ability to see that gambling was wrong and no doubt about it.

The responsibility is all mine. The final decision and choice was mine. I had to “try” and stay gamble free everytime regardless of the situation and my feelings.

So which Higher Power do I follow?

me or God, me or the recovery program, me or a recovery person.

I cannot rely on my feelings which can be impulsive and compulsive, My feeling is very inconsistent, it can change and was not the same every time. This is very dangerous, because gambling can be permissible when the situation and my feeling change. However, the Higher Power is always the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Right and wrong is very crystal clear.

Only me want to gamble. Don’t listen to me.

[kin]

It is not easy, it is hard changing your life.

Depression, frustration, anxiety, pain, and delusion is just a natural part of the process to become a stronger version of ourselves. It is not only normal, but it is essential and another opportunity that will allow us to change ourselves to function at a higher level.

Line up those problems and confront them, face them, fight them, do not let them bring you down. Do not personally identified with them. See it as winter, winter always lead to spring and summer, see it as night time, night time become day time again.

No matter what we are going through right now, it doesn’t mean that it is not going to end.

I need to stand up, dig in, let those challenges elevate me, the adversity I face today will turn me into a better person tomorrow.

[kin]

I did not want to get out of the house, I do not want to do anything, I am afraid to try anything.

I was afraid to fail more. what if things don’t work out? I am afraid to stretch and push myself, what if it became more painful? I gave up trying and throw in the towel.

Can I ignore this problem?

It will not go away. It will not go away on its own. I will not wake up one day and it will not be there anymore. It is going to be there and haunt me for the rest of my life.

I had to deal with it, the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I overcome it, the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I get on the other side of the problem.

Stop digging the hole further if it is already getting bigger and deeper.

 

[kin]

This is real. No matter what I do now.

All that I can see is darkness, and everything that I try to do just kick me right back in the face, and I cannot get myself out.

I look at the mess that I am facing right now, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. My good time didn’t last; Summer didn’t last, and winter have return, day time has gone, and night time has arrived.

Life is hard, and challenging, there are always up and down along this journey. I felt that I could no longer find the strength to face these endless challenges. I have tried to ignore them, numb my feeling but they are still there, I have nowhere to run. The depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mental health condition has return.

These life challenges is trying to bring me down.

[kin]

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” ~ (Matthew 26:41)

[kin]

I always thought my biggest problem was my uncontrollable thought about gambling, I didn’t realize it was my eyes.

 What my eyes see can trigger the thought.

[kin]

Am I still a slave of gambling and sins ?

Or

Am I a slave of righteousness?

[Author]

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