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I had to stop and question my recovery. The recovery program does not control me like a robot. I was given a free will to make my choices in my life. Why does the recovery program give me a free will to relapse? It made me realize that my chances is not high on my own. My own strength never last, my will power and determination has a limit. I could never stay stop because on some days I have the power and strength, on some day I don’t.

My free will can choose to relapse but the recovery program keep prompting me and direct me back to recovery. It  was my compass and GPS. I found out that I needed wisdom from a Higher Power to help me obey and made the right choice. I needed this strength from the Higher Power to help me give up my self will and resist any temptations.

Today it made me realize the good intention of the program, that I needed to take good care of my health so that I could travel further…. in recovery.

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Today I am an addict. Tomorrow will be no different. The addiction lives within me now and forever. I must never forget what I am. Gambling will surely destroy me if I fail to recognize and acknowledge my disease on a daily basis. I am not playing a game in which a loss is a temporary setback. I am dealing with my disease, for which there is no cure, only daily acceptance and vigilance.

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12 Steps of Gambler Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 6

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

This Step calls for a repentant attitude and willingness to change

Ephesians 4:22-23 (NIV)—“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 5:15-17 (Phillips)—“Live life, then, with a due sense of responsibility, not as men who do not know the meaning and purpose of life but as those who do. Make the best use of your time, despite all the difficulties of these days. Don’t be vague, but firmly grasp what you know to be the will of the Lord.”

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The US national gambling impact study commission called these electronic gambling machines the crack cocaine of creating new addicted gamblers. ~ John Kindt , Professor, Business and Legal Policy, University of Illinios

The worst thing that ever happen to me was winning some money, I ended up spending more money trying to replicate the feeling. ~ Slot-machine Player.

Once you interact with these machines, the dynamic changes, and what you get out of these machines is not necessary the excitement and thrill of winning but the pleasure of being in this rhythmic zone. ~ Assistant Professor Natasha Schull

It was like a trance that came over me ~ Slot-machine Player

When you are sitting in front of that machine, you are intoxicated. You have not taken a pill, you have not taken a drink, you have not put something into your vein, but that doesn’t mean your brain chemistry haven’t change. ~ Dr Robert Breen, Director, Gambling Treatment Program, Rhode Island Hospital

In 2001, Doctor Hans Breiter and colleagues at Massachusetts General hospital conducted an experiment comparing the brain of a cocaine addict receiving a dose of cocaine and a healthy control subject playing the game of chance.

You look at the brain images of the activation of the primary reward system in the center of the human brain when they are a cocaine addict expecting a cocaine infusion vs a normal control subject expecting a monetary win, we saw the same thing, they are nearly identical, I could not distinguish who have receive cocaine and who have won a gambling task. ~ Doctor Hans Breiter, Director, Motivational and Emotional Neuroscience Center, Massachuset ts General hospital

The Gambling industry members talk about how to keep the people playing the machine longer, faster and more intensively and the way they speak about their aim is an aim of player extinction. Keeping the player there until their budget is thoroughly exhausted , until they have zero the player out.

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12 Steps of Gambler Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 5

Admitted to GOD, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Biblical References

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

Principle 4: OPENLY examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

“Happy are the pure in heart.” Matthew 5:8  (James 5:16)

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12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 4

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Biblical References

“Let us examine our ways and test them and let us return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)

Principle 4: OPENLY examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

“Happy are the pure in heart.” Matthew 5:8

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12 Steps of Gambler Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood Him.

Biblical References

This Step expresses a fundamental principle in our relationship with God that is expressed in numerous scriptural passages, including:

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

 

“Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.” (Psalm 37:5)

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12.1)

Principle 3: CONSCIOUSLY choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.

“Happy are the meek.” Matthew 5:5

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12 Steps of Gambler Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 2

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 Biblical References

Step 2 urges the recovering person to acknowledge that recovery depends on “a power greater than ourselves.”

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my POWER is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Philippians 2:13 (NLT) “For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.”

Principle 2: EARNESTLY believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

“Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

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Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Biblical References

Jeremiah states that we cannot manage our life on our own. “I know, O LORD, that the way of human beings is not in their control, that mortals as they walk cannot direct their steps” (Jeremiah 10:23, NRS).

David faced this dilemma many times in his life. In Psalm 38:4 David admits that he was overwhelmed by sin, unable to bail himself out on his own, writing, “For my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.”

In Romans 7:14-23 the apostle Paul describes a Christian’s struggle with sin and need for God’s deliverance. He plaintively exclaims, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” (Romans 7:24). Paul gives the solution in the next verse, “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 7:25, NLT).

“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)

Recovery Principles 

Principle 1: REALIZE I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and my life is unmanageable.

“Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” Matthew 5:3 

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I have stop acting out in food, sex and work, I have stop drinking alcohol and gambling but I have never been able to stay stop forever in my last 13 years of trying.

Whenever I acted out in any form of self-destructive behavior again, I would try to stay stop again. I did not give up trying to stay stop. Everyday was a constant reminder to stay away from every form of self-destructive behaviors.

The most satisfying thing that I ever achieve in my recovery was to develop an ability and responsibility to show love and provide for the family every month. I was such a useless, hopeless, selfish and irresponsible addict before that.

The most unthinkable and unimaginable thing that can happen to me in gambling was to use the money that doesn’t belong to me to feed my gambling, I may steal, borrow, lie, cheat and con to get the money to gamble. There were so many recovery gamblers I met in the past that was so sure they will not be so foolish and stupid to commit such a criminal act until they do it and regret one day. I must be wary because I will not be an exception.

Every new recovery person I meet like to ask me this question; When was the last time you gamble? When was the last time you drink? It was rare for them to ask me whether I was also acting out in food, sex, work, cigarettes and drugs altogether.

Recovery has given me the confident to be honest with them. I can now face and accept the truth. I am a recovering addict, I was still an imperfect person in recovery and I do sometime slip, and relapse in recovery if I become complacent, and careless.

There was no need for me to be a people pleaser and pretend to be someone I was not. I can accept and deal with the emotion of embarrassment, shame, and guilt that comes with it now. They are a result of my unrealistic high self-expectation and standards. In recovery, everyone are chasing success to stay stop forever. Relapse was consider a failure and the person is consider a loser.

I was very unhappy and miserable in my early recovery, I was regularly in self-pity and self-beating mode, my self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem and dignity was at its lowest. The turning point and breakthrough came after I started seeking the truth in my recovery. I begin to understand why they seek progress and not perfection in recovery.

When everything fail, I have learn to take the more re assuring and safest small little “one baby step at a time”. I thought that was all I can do but these baby steps has carry me far.

My life has change after I found a Higher Power in my life and recovery. I found peace, freedom and joy, I am a happier person now. My attitude change, I can see the roses among the thorns now. In the past, I was focusing on the thorns among the rose and made many bad decision as a results.

I am more experience now, this experience has help me made brave and courageous decision to keep my sanity and recovery at all cost. It was still a very scary and insecure feeling to let go of the control completely every single time but it was different when I let go to a Higher Power that I trust and believe. 

I need a Higher Power to help me to do what I cannot do for myself. I learn to pray to God to help me; to give me the wisdom, strength and courage to do His will, and not mine. My way doesn’t work, let God!

I have begin to joke with someone I reach out almost 2 years ago, this person is now attending all those anonymous group meetings and 12 steps recovery workshops. So every time we discuss about something from the 12 steps recovery program, I like to ask my friend whether this sound like something that comes from the Bible. The person agrees. I just wanted to let the person know where they can seek and find the Truth.

No one is perfect, no one is righteous all the times but it is no excuse to sin. I know it was wrong to sin but yet I could not stop myself from sinning. I can be this weak and vulnerable at times. I need God, I need to seek forgiveness, mercy and grace from God for the wrongdoing and sin I do every day.

The bible talk about God ‘s promises. The AA group has a reading on “the promises”. I realize they are true, slowly and surely they have materialize in my life and recovery.

I still sin and act out in all form of self-destructive behavior but it is getting lesser nowadays. Most days I was in total abstinent.

I am very grateful to God and feel very hopeful about the future. 

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The lost sheep was wiser and smarter than me and an engineer, he was mentally stronger than me and runs the marathon but this sheep has a problem that I personally knew very well. He was trapped like me and cannot break free from the power of addiction despite all his strength. I knew this devil too well.

I am fully aware that I do not have the power to help him and did not try to pretend to be someone I was not, I told him about someone who has help turn my life around, and let God do the rest. He was willing to meet my mentor, but both are busy and I have to wait until when both are available to arrange the meeting and yesterday was the perfect day.

What happen next amazes me, the meeting place was always pack full of people during dinner time and I don’t expect to get a table let alone one that is quiet enough to talk.

When I reach this place with the engineer, I look at the sea of people and every full  tables, and I was thinking to myself if there is a Higher Power at work, something will happen and right at this moment, the people in the first table right in front of me was getting ready to leave. The place was too closely pack and noisy to talk but this table was right at the corner in the far end and just nice enough for the meeting. Thank God!

I link up this young man with my mentor and I hope this will be the beginning of a very wonderful and fruitful relationship. I am very sure my mentor will assist this young engineer to seek the Truth to help him break free of his struggle.

All Glory be to God alone.

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If I am not gambling, other areas in my life especially debt repayment and financial obligations and commitment can be resolve slowly.

If I am not gambling, these problem is not the biggest problem.

Life was never smooth sailing and rosy all the times in recovery, it was beauty in the eyes of the beholder everyday, I can either choose to see only the thorns among the rose or the rose among the thorns.

Dear God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometime I lack the wisdom to tell whether some things can be change or not, and need to pray for the wisdom and courage not to be too impulsive and impatience because I am prone to forget …that I can wait…..it was all God’s will and timing, not mine.

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I would have failed by my own expectation and standard in the past, it used to make me feel more depress and down but not now, I have accepted my imperfection and willingness to change at a much slower pace. The progress will come surely and slowly.

Positive

1. I have manage to focus and discipline myself to fast for 20 hours on the first day, it was an achievement for me because I knew it is very tempting to snack and eat in the middle just like what happen to me in the last few days when I struggle and fail in my early attempt at intermittent fasting.

2. I was focus and have one meal a day today (OMAD)

Negative / Wrong

My barrier is not shut completely, first day was imperfect.

1. I cannot resist the food on the table, I allow myself to take in carbs and small amount of sugar on my first day of low carbs, low sugar and high fat diet.

I am happy and satisfied with the baby step progress made on the first day today, I can only get better and be good at it over time.

This was so different from my early years in recovery. I would beat up myself all the times for my imperfection and failure in my recovery, it was all or nothing, perfection or failure.

Today I pray to God for strength, courage and wisdom to do the right thing!

I thank God for the recovery today that has provided me peace,happiness, and joy today despite all my brokeness and imperfections. 

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I had my dinner recently, it was a heavy meal pack full of carbohydrates. After I had finished everything on my plate, I continue to want more, my craving for carbohydrates was very strong.

I could not feel that I was full and had enough. I want more, it looks like my brake is spoilt and cannot stop. I have lost the discipline to follow any diet program.

Unless I return to the program, it will only get worst. I have regained 4 kg and I will continue to gain weight unless I change. The diet has help me to lower my weight to 74kg but the binge eating recently has cost me to regained 4 kg back to 78 kg.

Its back to the drawing board and putting what I have learnt into action before I spiral out of control. The program works, I only need to follow it.

It was definitely a relapse for an overeater.

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