[kin]

It is going to be a heavy baby step in the beginning, it is going to be tough.

God is always there, the recovery support group meetings and recovery program is always there, the serious recovery people are there. I just need to work harder to get a new job and follow the repayment plan strictly at the same time.

I have no room for any slip in the next 12 months otherwise I cannot repair the hole.

Without GT and its platform for me to write and keep a journal, think I will sink into a depression.

[kin]

I have this impulsiveness, impatience and compulsiveness that doesn’t go well together with gambling.

If all was well, and I look in total control, the answer is not yet, surely and slowly I will become impulsive, impatience and lose all self control eventually.

For many years and so many times, I saw a control bet turn into an all or nothing bet size in the end.

I do everything to the extreme, something my gambling had in common with alcohol and eating. I will gamble until I have none to gamble, I will drink alcohol until I cannot drink anymore, I will eat until I cannot eat anymore. 

As early as I can remember 25 years ago, I was very shock and shaken when this happen. Where is all my common sense and logic.

Being in recovery has brought calm, control, peace into my life for a long time but seeing myself turning suddenly into this impatience, impulsive and compulsive person everytime during a slip or relapse really shock me, it still sadden me and I am really very disappointed with myself.

[kin]

Everything change after I have let go of my self will, and ended in places, jobs with good things that I cannot imagine.

However, everything change again when I decided to take over the steering wheel after I start experiencing the slightest distress, hardship and suffering.

If I had follow God’s will, I would have accepted anything that God give me whether good or bad. If I was in the recovery mode, I would have accepted living life on life ‘s term.

Why did I follow and trust God’s will and the recovery program fully in the beginning and still DOUBT and NOT TRUST them completely later.

If I had follow God ‘s will and was in the recovery mode, I would not be listening to my own desires and ways.

What is wrong with me? Why did I expect only pleasures and cannot tolerate stress, hardship and suffering.

Why am I so foolish to seek happiness that do not last.

If I am fasting; I would not be feeding my desires below:-

1. It is ok not to go to work, just call in to take an off day.

2. It is ok to drink alcohol, just make sure that I stop after I achieve the desire effect.

3. It was ok to break the fast and start all over another day. Eat whatever I desire now even though I do not need it and was not hungry.

4. It was ok to borrow a sum of money to convenience me and inconvenience others.

5. It was ok to do something that brings me pleasure but suffering to others.

6. It was ok to gamble, and take my mind away from all my troubles, it may even help me to increase my money. Basically I just do not care about right or wrong and its consequences. I only care about the pleasure I get doing it. I risk losing all the money, falling into debt and my freedom to do things all over again.

I never talk about it but my actions speak a lot about me.

When I was desperate, helpless, hopeless and do not know what to do, I will seek God’s will and the recovery program.

They work because God’s will and the recovery program never ask me to choose the easy way, over eat, over work, take alcohol, gamble etc.

But whenever I experience stress, hardship and suffering. I will not tolerate and try to escape this situation. Whenever I listen to my will, I will get myself into all kind of troubles. I ended up creating a bigger problem and dig a bigger hole than it was before.

I was so foolish and stupid.

Day Two (Sunday)

[kin]

Dear diary,

I chance upon this message on youtube and read it online

The answer Jesus gave in the first part of Mathew 17:20 is very revealing:

Because of your unbelief. Matthew 17:20

This is what Jesus was saying in the first part of Matthew 17:20. He didn’t tell His disciples, “It’s because you don’t have enough faith”; He said, “It’s because of your unbelief.” Your unbelief canceled out the faith you had.

it is not that you didn’t believe; it is that your unbelief negated your faith.. That is why you did not see the desired results.”

Faith Canceled Out
Imagine a team of horses hooked up to a wagon. Under normal circumstances, they would have enough power to move that wagon. But if an equal team of horses was hooked to the other side of the wagon and both teams were pulling at the same time in the opposite direction, the net effect would be zero. With both teams of horses pulling on that wagon with all their strength, it wouldn’t move, because they’re canceling each other out. One team is negating the other. They’re counterbalancing each other.

In the past:

Thought: I have faith I can be gamble free but I cannot believe I can stay gamble free

Feeling: I believe I can be gamble free but I am not sure  I could stay gamble free.

Action: I was gamble free on most days but gamble on some.

Thought: From today onwards, I am changing my belief system. I shall believe I can stay gamble free.

Jesus turned back to this father and declared, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes.” Mark 9:20-23

[kin]

I had a relapse one day after my last post.

[kin]

Why did I put my life through all these gambling misery, sorrow and heartaches.

My family and friends did not make any mistake or commit any wrong, why do they have to suffer the consequences of my gambling.

Screaming for help!!!

I will kick someone like this person (me) out of my family…hopeless fellow! 

[kin]

Hi Laura

You are doing the wise thing posting here about your stress in life.

It allow your fellow recovery buddies in here to remind you that stress was no good excuse to gamble.

Every stories remind us it is not worth it to gamble, it is far more painful, stressful and disastrous with gambling.

I was foolish to made matter worst than it was before with gambling. I ended up with much more stress.

[kin]

Dear dairy,

I am not going to go into the blame game.

I thought I found the perfect job in recovery; no stress plus long working hours giving me no free time to gamble, flexible pay weekly or daily providing me the much needed money to pay my bills and commitments on time.

Unfortunately, I can plan but things may not turn out according to my plan.

I left a stressful job to go into this new one. Life was good in June, July, August. I was able to focus on the work but I was distracted very soon from the problem at workplace. The problems come from the hirer and its client. I was soon doing more work than I was hired to do, and it tired and stress me out. This problem was not supposed to happen, but the hirer is incompetent, they are always short-handed.

I plan to change job and started attending job interviews. It was a tough experience working 12 hours at night and attending job interview after work in the day, and going back to work in the night again. I don’t get enough sleep. It was also very stressful because of the waiting and rejections from the job hunting.

I wish I had more money and not be stuck in this messy workplace. I make the mistake of placing my first bet.

The most painful thought and saddest part about this bad gambling relapse was that it can be avoided.

These are the critical point

1. If I did not chose the easy way out 

If I had choose to tolerate and work last night instead of asking for an day off to avoid the hard time at working place, I would not be able to find any time to go gambling.

2. If I did not borrow money from a trusted family member. I wouldnt have the excess cash to gamble. 

3. If I choose to call my recovery friends that I am going to gamble, they will stop me and this would not have happen.

4. If I truly accept and believe I cannot ever gamble again. This would not have happen.

Cheat day is so damaging to my recovery. Those winning on cheat day is very deceiving, it encourages me that it was harmless and ok to do it again, it provided me with all the money I needed, but one day I would surely lose everything back and more without fail.

I learn about cheat day in dieting very recently and can relate it to my cheat day in gambling.

Not suffering immediate consequences trick me into believing it was alright and ok to do more cheating.

[kin]

Dear admin,

Please help me to delete this thread!

Many thanks in advance.

[kin]

Over the last 20 years, I saw myself struggling at workplace and leaving the job despite doing well at times
The recent experience in dieting saw me eating uncontrollably and unnecessarily a few times, it felt scary to be out of control in eating.
Drinking sound harmless to me until I drink to a point when I can no longer stop at will, and suffer all the consequences.
Gambling look harmless to me until I become angry, impulsive, impatient and compulsive and soon it turn into a all or nothing size bet.
My family has suffer with me for so many years, even with the new understanding, I do not know how to tell them what is happening to me.
They only knew I had an addiction and past depression issues, my effort in recent years has shown them that I was trying hard to improve and do something about it but I still find it hard to explain to them about my unpredictable behavior at times especially financially.
One mistake can take many months or years to recover or in the worst scenario, it cannot be repaired.

[kin]

It is really painful to know that I cannot do some thing like over eat, over work, take alcohol, or gamble like a normal person ever after now.

If I ever do them again, slowly the old ways and old problem return. It is sad to see myself turning impulsive, impatience and compulsive. I can see myself gradually losing self control; doing things unnecessarily and uncontrollably.

The many episodes i had at work, dieting, drinking and gambling show that the disease of addiction affect all areas of my life. I was in denial for many years thinking that it only affect some area of my life, that is sad.

I was thinking about the thorn in the flesh that I read in 2 Corinthian 12:7-9

Apostle Paul asked the Lord to take it away 3 times but God refuse and say “no”. Despite God refusal to heal him, Paul rejoice in the name of the Lord. 

I still feel very disappointed with myself, very sad that I took 30 years to find this out about myself.

[kin]

I have tried many times after my life has return to normal in the last 30 years only to find out the hard way that the problem was still there and always there all the time every single time.

I thought that I could function like a normal person and over eat, over work, drink or gamble normally but every single time the result tell me I can never succeed. I will slowly become impulsive, impatient and compulsive after I start gambling every single time or I will gradually lose my sanity after I start drinking or I will eat unnecessary and uncontrollably after some time without fail. I soon realize that I was really an addict and has a problem that other normal people on the street do not have.

These problems indicate that I must give up gambling and drinking completely, other behavior like food, sex and over working must be kept to a normal, moderate and healthy level.

I only have one choice, either I accept the truth and stop completely (acceptance) or live in denial that I could gamble or drink like a normal person one day which will never happen in this life.

[kin]

………….I forget

[kin]

Your message is well received.

I was an alcoholic but I did not have any drinking problem this year but I cannot say the same for my eating disorder and gambling.

I was reading the other threads and have this strong feeling today:

Its very easy to give example but its very difficult to become an example.

I really respect the friends I met here who walk the talk, they show me the way and give me hope!

[kin]

Hi Laura, Thank you for the compliments!

I would like to continue to be honest about one thing; the on going struggles in my life and recovery.

My addiction has manifested in all areas of my life. The thorn remain in my flesh, how naïve of me to think that I do not have this problem anymore.

1.Stop digging the hole

I have lost control of my overeating and put on 3 to 4 kg very quickly recently…at this pace, I was afraid to regain 10 kg back.

I manage to made a decision to return to the program and practice my one meal a day low carb, zero sugar diet.

2. Still hopeful in recovery

It took only 3 days for me to lose 3kg in water weight.

3. Distraction vs Focus

Today I receive a phone call to attend a job interview and all of a sudden my priority have shifted to the job interview.

I gradually become powerless and struggle to stay focus in my diet. My priority have shifted away from the diet, and I slipped, I should not have order the food I ate today.

There are so many temptations and distraction in life everyday. I continue to struggle and remain an imperfect person despite trying to stay on the right track in recovery.

I shall keep on trying until my last breathe! Trying to deny my desires, giving up doing what I love…

Without God giving me the wisdom and strength to do it. Just depending or relying on my own will and strength, I have fail time and time again. 

Today I realize how my priority can change suddenly anytime just like the weather. This explain the struggle I face in staying focus to remain gamble free. Feeling in control one moment and totally out of control in the next.

[Author]

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