[kin]

Hi Laura,

I had a little awakening last week. It addresses the grey area  you mention, and this is a good way to start my sixth gamble free day talking about it.

I used to keep quiet and stay out of any conversation because I don’t know what to say when I heard someone don’t like Christian because they have been hurt by one or see someone hurt by people who claim to have practice the 12 steps recovery program for many years.

I have been living in grey areas for more than 10 years in recovery, “no one is perfect” has been my perfect excuse to continue sinning.

I was questioning my recovery after my last relapse recently.

These questions flooded my mind. Why did a married pastor sleep with someone wife? Why did a Christian hit his wife? Why did the pastor steal millions from the church?

Thousands of people love these crooked pastors but they dont know these pastor well. I don’t deny the fact that these pastors love God but if they know God, they would not be doing what God don’t want them to do. Do they really know God?

The same apply to a 12 steps recovery program. Why are these people claiming to be 25 years clean or 30 years clean, only to say things or do things that can hurt others or tear up someone completely? I have even known someone who teaches others the 12 steps program and stealing money from the recovery center. I have known gambling counsellor and recovery center manager who gamble. These people would not have done it if they really know the 12 steps recovery program.

Come back to me. I can relapse in food, alcohol, work, sex, gambling etc. I have an addictive personality and an addict for many years. I have been a recovering person since Aug 2005.  I have spend many years going all over the place here in Singapore trying to find the best way that works for me and different ways to stay total abstinent. There are sucessful stories in every place that I went but that person is not me. My new attempt recently was fasting and learning how to give up doing what I love to do most.

Today, recovery to me is learning how to live my life, it is a lifestyle.

The truth is this:  There will be living problem in life daily, these problems will not disappear just because I was in recovery. Sometime there are less problems, sometime there are more.

Problem or no problem is not a good excuse to gamble! It is not worth it, the price is heavy!!!

Before recovery and in the early years of recovery, I continue to find a quick relief and look for pleasures whenever I experience physical or mental stress, hardship and suffering. I always have an escape door hidden somewhere, sometime more than one.

Things normally turn from bad to worst if I choose the easy way out, I dont know why? it always happen to me.

I learn it the hard way that it was not worth it because in the end, I always made matter worst and life harder, more stressful and more suffering than before.

Today I just hope that I could accept and tolerate with my life the way it is. I want to learn to live with my living problems and the stress, hardship, suffering that comes with it.

God and the 12 steps recovery program do not teach me to be selfish, self-centered and self -seeking. They do not teach me to seek pleasures while others suffer, convenient myself but inconveniencing others.

I am 52 years old and living on borrowed time now. How many years do I have left to made amend. Do I want to continue to hurt my family, friends and people around me, they have done no wrong and did not make any mistake, they don’t deserve to suffer because of me.

I have no problem inconveniencing myself, I am ready and willing to sacrifice my remaining years to protect my love ones.

I am ready to strengthen my barriers and hand over my finance to someone to take care or call someone if I want to act out.

There was divine intervention in one recent experience, I was present in places that I do not normally go. I first met someone desperate, helpless and hopeless 5 weeks ago and I conveniently inform him who and where he can seek help. I met the same person in a separate place 2 days ago, he was calm, had a plan and hopeful with life. He told me that he did what I tell him, seek the right person and the right place to get help.

He gaves me the highest compliment but it troubled me because I need to remain humble to have any chance in my recovery, I am nothing without God.

It was not a part of my plan to help him that night, it was not our timing to be there at the same time, it was God’s. I was really unworthy of his praise. All glory goes to God.

This young man helped me as much as it has help him during a time when I was overcome with unbelief. It has given me additional strength, courage, belief and hope to seek God and the 12 steps recovery program.

I am giving up my perfect excuse; no man is perfect so that I can continue sinning.

After 13 years in recovery, I am ready to raise my standard and self-expectation, and I cannot do it on my own. I am ready to seek a more intimate and closer relationship with God, to know God and the 12 steps recovery program better.

I remain an imperfect person in recovery but I was a better person than before. There was a lot of progress and changes in my life since Aug 2005, it was a very slow process but the growth I receive was worth it..

[kin]

Bro Jordan,

You are right when you told me I can find all my answers in the bible. This is another one. What does the bible say about support group meetings and people more than 2000 years ago.

John 13:34-35 ESV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Hebrews 10:24-25 ESV

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Matthew 18:20 ESV

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

Proverbs 27:17 ESV

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Galatians 6:2 ESV

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ESV

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; …

Proverbs 9:10 ESV

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.

1 Chronicles 16:11 ESV Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

1 John 1:9 ESV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Ephesians 4:1-32 ESV

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, …

Acts 2:44-47 ESV

And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

[kin]

Do I go around telling people how “I” obey God and work the 12 steps recovery program to make myself look and feel good? Do I compare myself with others? Does it make me feel that I am better than another person?

The Bible and the 12 steps recovery program does not teach me to praise and glorify “me” “myself” “I”. It will only feed my pride and ego, making me more proud, arrogant and careless, more selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking.

The Bible and the 12 steps recovery program teaches me to share my testimony or story to praise and glorify God and the 12 steps recovery program to help another suffering person.

I am waiting for the new job to start on the 17th October and have the whole day off today.

I wish to exercise and do some jogging. I wish to do it at the recovery drop in centers and I was half way packing my attire into my bag when I heard a voice asking me whether I am doing this to show off to the other recovery people there. Wham! It hit me and I changes my mind, I immediately drop my things and leave home to jog in the park below. I just finish my jog at the park and was glad I did not follow my desire to do it elsewhere.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

Suicidal thought is cause by depression. When you recover from depression, those suicidal thought will go away, those sadness and painful feeling will disappear.

When we stop gambling, we will not have gambling problem.
Those old debts will be reduce slowly. Things will improve. Life will slowly return to normal one day.

In the beginning, it is going to be tough, there is not enough money to pay all the bills, there will be anxiety, and stress.
We can only pay those bills that we can afford and postpone those that we cannot until we have the money. One day they will all be paid. This is a temporary problem.

The peace, joy and freedom will return one day. We need to dig in deep for the strength and courage to be patient and tolerant now. Be strong and brave Lizbeth4.

When things get difficult, take one day at a time, take one baby step at a time, do one thing at a time if you need to.

I pray to our Heavenly Father to fill you with the holy spirit, guiding you and helping you, providing you with all the wisdom and courage during these difficult times in Jesus almighty name, Amen.

Blessings
Kin

[kin]

If I am not gambling, the casino cannot take away my money
The bank, legal money lender and loan shark cannot earn my interest
Family and friends do not need to fear me, they worry that I will borrow money from them

Gamble free for five days

[kin]

Thumbs Up! Good Job! Keep It Up! 14 months gamble free days.

I only have 4 gamble free days now, and you have become a good role model for me. 

You continue to soldier on despite hard times and suffering. This is highly respectable!

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4
Thank you for your sharing. I have been following your thread and can see that you are doing your best.
I had just relapse and got myself stuck in a situation and now I have to dig in for all the strength and motivation to carry on every day.
I plan to learn from this mistake, and do it right again. I intend to stay gamble free with a new strong belief. Financial problem will take time to improve base on my small earnings, I just need to be patience, calm and discipline. It will improve.
I was watching a service about healing and prayer online, it reminded me of my Higher Power and my choices
1. What if it does not work and I do not get heal, I have nothing to lose at all if I try.
2. If I decide not to try at all, I will have no chance.
3. What happen if it really work and can help me, I would have miss an opportunity if I did not try.
4. I have decided to turn to God and the 12 steps recovery program from GA or AA.
I needed all the help I can get now. I am writing more regularly in GT online and attending face to face GA recovery support group meetings.
Please take good care of your health and I wish you all the best in your recovery!
I really want to get well and counting my gamble free days all over again. Today is my Day Four.
Thank you for all your support.

[kin]

If I am not gambling, I have nothing to fear! There is no gambling debts!

[kin]

Those who know God and the 12 steps recovery program will not be doing what God and the 12 steps recovery program tell them not to do.

I have not obey and do what I was told. I intentionally lower my standard to accept sin and continue sinning. No one is perfect was my best excuse.

It has open up my eyes to who are the true followers, false teachers and the ignorant ones.

I was the biggest loser in the end!

[kin]

A Brief History of A.A., p. 63:

Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, traced his journey to sobriety through the Oxford group.

“My depression deepened unbearably and finally it seemed to me as though I were at the very bottom of the pit. I still gagged badly at the notion of a Power greater than myself, but finally, just for the moment, the last vestige of my proud obstinacy was crushed. All at once I found myself crying out, ‘If there is a God, let Him show Himself! I am ready to do anything, anything!’

Suddenly, the room lit up with a great white light. I was caught up into an ecstasy which there are no words to describe. It seemed to me, in the mind’s eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world, a new world of consciousness. All about me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence, and I thought to myself, ‘So this is the God of the preachers!’ A great peace stole over me and I thought, ‘No matter how wrong things seem to be, they are still all right. Things are all right with God and His world.'”

In the subsequent development of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson eventually distanced himself from the Oxford Group in order to reach out to Catholics and other groups who were uncomfortable with the evangelical emphasis.

However, many of the traditions of the Oxford Group continue in the A.A. approach and the Bible remains a foundation for recovery for many of those in A.A. and other 12 Step groups.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I weight today, it was disturbing, I gain 4 kg, I have a eating disorder and has been over eating carbohydrates, drinking sweet stuff over the last few days.

I receive a call that I was sucessful in my job application today.

I will take a long walk in the park later to catch some sun.

[kin]

I would love to add this 2 activities to my things to do list.

1. Fasting – develop mental strength / giving up doing the things I love / resisting temptation and cravings
2. Exercise – develop physical strength

[kin]

The only common sense I have left was the fear not to borrow some more money to continue my self-destructive behaviors and made matter worst.

I was able to stop. I can still remember those days in the past when my problem was very serious, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I would continue to borrow money to gamble until I have no one to borrow from before I stop.

I have really hit rock bottom this time, if this was any consolation, it was not the deepest rock bottom that I ever had. I shall need to stay focus and discipline for a year to walk out of this mess I created for myself.

[kin]

I was selfish, self-centered, self seeking when I prepared the money, time and place.

If I had place others interest before me, I wouldn’t have the money and time to gamble.

Jesus two commandments Matthew 22:37-40,

The first commandment

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. .

The second commandment

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

The direction was so simple and easy to understand, yet I have choosen to disobey and love myself first, resulting in this disaster. I have to take full responsibility for my action and mistake.

If I have obey and follow the Truth, this disaster would not have happen, I should not have taken matter into my own hand, I should not have taken over the steering wheel.

So many months of effort was wipeout by one single day of insanity !!!

It was a very very heavy price to paid. 

[kin]

If I know God, I wouldn’t be doing all the sinful things I did.

If I know God, I will be denying my desires.

If I know God, I will not be doing against what the scripture say.

I did not have an intimate relationship with God and I have lower my standard to make sin acceptable.

I elevate some sin more than the rest but a sin is a sin, all sins are the same.

I need to stop lying and misrepresent the truth.

I was afraid to pray for someone in the public because I was afraid they will not be heal, and I care about how others look at me.

I was afraid to mentor another recovery person because I was afraid that I will be a bad example

I have read a little about God and the 12 steps recovery program, but I do not live a life that represent God and the 12 steps recovery program.

People are dying in the hospital everyday, so what am I doing with my life today

Am I going to live the false hope or start living the true hope? 

[Author]

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