[kin]

I did not enjoy doing the binge drinking, gambling, eating or sex. I thought I would love doing it and wish for them but when I had the chance, I did not enjoy it at all, it was sick.

I was living a lie, they brought no value to my life except evil, harm, disgrace, shame, corruption, and destructions. 

I allow it to happen, it started small in the beginning, it is very subtle, sneaky and cunning before I self destruct completely.

[kin]

I started and begin with watching and thinking about doing wrong, etc. example reading, watching and hearing people talk about gambling, watching porno, reading about good food, recalling the fun and high I get from alcohol..

It look so harmless but one day when the mind loses all control, I started to do all the thing I wish but forbid myself to do. It was one of the most foolish and risky thing I did.

Today I can tell myself that it is really not worth it to test myself.

It can do a lot of harm and damage to my soul.

I should have listen to what everyone tells me.

[kin]

Jesus tells the story of Lazarus and the rich man to show the great reversal that is coming at death. ~ Luke 16:24–25

“[The rich man] called out, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the end of his finger in water and cool my tongue, for I am in anguish in this flame.’ But Abraham said, ‘Child, remember that you in your lifetime received your good things, and Lazarus in like manner bad things; but now he is comforted here, and you are in anguish.’”

Apostle Paul says “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”~ Philippians 1:21

To live is Christ” means that we are willing to give up anything that prevents us from having Christ. Christ is our focus, and center in mind, heart, body and soul.

[kin]

Substance and behavior abuse can make me feeling numb and slow to change. Gambling can change me into a very cold person and stubborn to change. I become so selfish and ignore the feeling and needs of everyone except myself..

Everything was in order but I was not satisfied. I must do something about things when i dont really need to do anything about them and mess up everything.

 I will strive to make 2019 a better one than 2018. The time is now.

[kin]

I can see how I cannot function in my life without my fix. I felt so much normal now after that night.

[kin]

Thank you everyone for your kind thought and posts.

I have struggle lately to put my thoughts into writing, I don’t know where to start and it felt like there are too many things going on for me at the same time now.

Everything has change for me when I return to an old familiar job. It was not an excuse but the usual stress and emotions from this job is opening all the floodgates to my addiction.

A little acting out here, a little acting out there cannot show the extent of the seriousness, they are all like small fires, it is everywhere in my life but none big enough to burn the house down. I am safe but I am also not safe.

I have a new familiar problem again, lately I CANNOT STOP MYSELF from WISHING and WANTING to dig my grave.  

However, after I started digging, somehow I would stop. The situation looks dangerous because I don’t know when I will not be able to stop.

When I look at all my addictions altogether, I see a different picture, my body is like a ship, each of my addiction is like a hole, it is not big enough to sink the ship yet but this ship is full of small holes and leaks, it is only a matter of time when any of these hole would sink the ship and send me into the rock bottom.

I wanted to find out what was my real damage, I don’t know how serious and how bad is the situation now.

I intentionally chase the high drinking last night, I used alcohol to numb my mind and body to the maximum.

My mind was so INSANE last night, I was LIVING A LIE, and acting out a fantasy and fake lifestyle, my mind acted out all the desires that I cannot afford and cannot perform. It cost me a bomb.

Had I lost all my money to gambling, I wouldn’t be able to find out how serious is my problem in drinking and how it affected my thinking and spending.

I don’t want to regret losing every single cent in gambling, I make sure I have a full-blown relapse in drinking and other areas last night.

Yet the most damaging one till date was my eating disorder, something I didn’t act out last night. I have gain weight gain very quickly recently. I was 74 kg not so long ago and I weight 83 kg now.

I can see what problem I can have now. All my other addictions has the same important as gambling now.   

I feel that I am one fortunate man, I am not ok but I am still ok.

The solution is a spiritual one, I first experience it last December when I fasted and practice giving up the things that I love to do most. It has help and I look forward to doing the same again real soon. I am preparing to start soon.

[kin]

The signs are there after I started this new job. My weight have balloon from 74 kg to 83 kg during these time. I am losing control of things. I need to practice fasting soon otherwise the price is heavy. This will be my resolution for 2019, the focus is on fasting, giving up the things I love to do most and not weight loss.

[kin]

More than 2000 years ago, Apostle Paul wrote this in a letter…

Philippians 3:18 – 19

For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many (people who attend church) whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their belly / hunger or appetite– They are going to get whatever they want / desire, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth.

My thoughts –

Who want to be called the enemy of the cross? The cross of self-denial and suffering for Christ’s sake but I have not deny myself and have gamble / drink / glutton / womanise this month..

[kin]

Gambling was a way to get money that don’t belong to me. Winning only turn it into a fight – a struggle to hold on to something that was not mine.

[kin]

If it causes you more pain than happiness, let it go! To be happy, you must let go of what ‘s gone, be grateful for what remains, look forward to what ‘s to come next. Let go of expectations. Let go of your attachment to outcome. You can’t lose what you never had, you can’t keep and cannot hold on to something that is not yours.

At some point you have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening. There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it. We must let go of the life that we have planned so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Stop overthinking. You can’t control everything. Let it be. Let go of the gambling, it is not worth it anymore. It is better to let go with a smile than to hold on with tears. Be selective in your battles, for some time peace is better than being right.

I didnt realize this post about letting go is also related to total surrender to a Higher Power, a Power greater than me. Letting go and trusting God. It is also STEP 3.

[kin]

We do care and love you!

[kin]

Please update progress.

[kin]

Step 3: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”

This episode is another test that proves whether I have not surrender, half surrender or total surrender to God
The fact that I gamble and drink show that Step 3 is still a very big step for me

[kin]

How often did I stop at one bottle or one gamble.
Most of the times; Win I chase, Lose I chase until I lose everything. I will also continue chasing the drink when I was high until I get heavily intoxicated and could not drink no more.
Incredible Short Memory.
I forgotten it was not worth it to gamble. The price is too heavy. I cannot afford the consequences.

[kin]

1. I went on MC for 2 days to get proper rest and sleep.

I was concern that I would do something foolish that I will regret. I need to made a decision to stay or leave this job. i could not see a clear answer. 

2. Do nothing and wait

After 2 days of rest, it was so easy to see the right choice and made the correct decision.

3. I will bring up my concern to my hirer and HR.

I will continue to do my best at work. I cannot control the new manager and other colleagues but I can control my behavior, I can work hard. The problem is not mine. Let the manager decide. He need to answer to the hirer and HR.

Self Care in this case is so important, it return me my peace and inner joy in life. If I continue to remain work up emotionally, I risk returning to acting out.

Sleep and rest is so important.

[Author]

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