[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler… With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven,

for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Dear diary,

I was afraid to be persecuted for righteousness and made all the wrong choices to escape and gamble. It was a mistake.

[kin]

“We bring nothing at birth; we take nothing with us at death. The LORD alone gives and takes. Praise the name of the LORD!” ~ Job 1:21

[kin]

The money I lost is equivalent to what I return to my sister in a year. This is a huge sum of money to me and the family.

I just did a reality check and look at my damage. If I do not stop here and not use this as a turning point. I am heading for a endless rock bottom. I have everything I need right now to clean up this mess I created but I felt something was wrong, I am feeling very impatient and very uncertain.

I was Shock this major relapse happened. Not surprise because it has happened many times in the past in the last 13 years.

I was not on drug, I was not intoxicated but I feel like I was in a daze and I remember I could not think straight and I cannot understand the consequences of my irresponsible action at the time. What was wrong?

Did the current work drained me out mentally and I make matter worst by making myself physically exhausted too.

The family acted like nothing has happen tonight, they look very normal to me but I think the family was just as shock as me when they saw a different me last night. That was a dangerous and familiar old me that brought chaos and havoc, pain and suffering to the family.

[kin]

I just woke up from my sleep and reply to an earlier message from Vera. My relapse is affecting me very much, I think about them in the day and even in my sleep. When I woke up today, I hear a message to turn to the story of Job in the bible.

Job Loses Everything

13 Job’s sons and daughters were having a feast in the home of his oldest son, 14 when someone rushed up to Job and said, “While your servants were plowing with your oxen, and your donkeys were nearby eating grass, 15 a gang of Sabeans[a] attacked and stole the oxen and donkeys! Your other servants were killed, and I was the only one who escaped to tell you.”

16 That servant was still speaking, when a second one came running up and saying, “God sent down a fire that killed your sheep and your servants. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

17 Before that servant finished speaking, a third one raced up and said, “Three gangs of Chaldeans[b] attacked and stole your camels! All of your other servants were killed, and I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

18 That servant was still speaking, when a fourth one dashed up and said, “Your children were having a feast and drinking wine at the home of your oldest son, 19 when suddenly a windstorm from the desert blew the house down, crushing all of your children. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

20 When Job heard this, he tore his clothes and shaved his head because of his great sorrow. He knelt on the ground, then worshiped God 21 and said:

“We bring nothing at birth; we take nothing with us at death. The LORD alone gives and takes. Praise the name of the LORD!”

22 In spite of everything, Job did not sin or accuse God of doing wrong.

Dear diary,

I have experience this awesome God yesterday that gives me and take away from me. In my darkest moment, the most impossible happen, I receive abundant from God. God is telling me He is here.

This is my story

I was lost and confuse when I approach the money lender to help me when I have none. They told me I had a bad history in their record and turn me down. I cannot imagine that these high interest blood sucker will turn me away. Thank God those money lender was blind and turn me away, I was saved from a lot of misery.

Who intervene and save me?

The same night, something happen, I saw abundant money in my bank account. The one and only bank I apply for a credit line the previous night has approve my application.

Those money lender say I got a bad history but the bank must have saw my good credit rating.

This is when the real message and lesson for me start !!!

I have not surrender 100% to God, my self-will run riot. I could not manage these gifts. Unless I surrender 100% to God, my enemy will take these gifts away from me; I will gamble them away.

I did not wish to be honest about this part but I must do this to give glory to God.

The Truth has surface. I have not surrender to God 100%. After I receive the abundant cash, my self-will took over and the rest is history. I lost most of the money away.

God has promise and delivered. My trust in God only grew stronger from this experience.

Now I also cannot hide that I have not surrender 100% to God, I cannot deceive myself, the truth is so obvious that I cannot lied to myself anymore.

God was faithful to us but I was not faithful to God and I suffer the consequences.

Sister Lizbeth4 ask me what I am going to do differently next time, I can only say that I am going to learn how to surrender to God completely to the best of my ability.

I have not done my best! I have not done anough! I can do better! Wrong again.That is me, I , myself, my ego talking…Without God, I am nothing! I am setting myself up to fail.

I am going to turn to God to help me surrender to Him 100%. By the mercy and grace of God, I will finish this year strong.

[kin]

You are right, I was writing about the present.

It was all about what is happening to me now, what I am going thru and what was my feeling. I am no different from Sister Monica, Lizbeth4, Jen, Laura, I did it and you. Everything must happen for a reason.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

The most terrible relapse has happen to me, I did not think it was possible after all my years of experience in gambling and recovery. It was a sign. Thank God.

I guess this is the passage I have to go thru before I learn how to surrender 100% to God.

[kin]

Romans 7:14-25

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.

17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

The Thorn in the Flesh – 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

⁷ And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.

⁸ Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.

⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Dear diary,

I suddenly panic ( panick attack – overpowering feeling of fear affecting me immediately )and pressed the self-destructive button. I watch and notice how my heart, mind and action were not in line. I knew I was not well but I did not stop myself.

My experience did not help me. I did not do what my mind tell me to do and did what I was not supposed to to do.

My willpower and determination fail me. My action was trigger and influence by the thing I see around me and the feeling inside my heart.

I have fail countless times everytime depending on my own strength. On my own free will, my ignorant, foolishness and arogant self chose not to flee from the devil. It was a mistake to dance with the devil.

After my wrongdoing, I wanted to avoid all these people I love, trusted and disappoint, I was ashamed to face them. I make the mistake and they have to pay the price for loving me. I have hurt them and damage our relationship.

I have lost this battle one more time. Awareness of my weakness concerning sin is not the end of my road. I must keep soldiering on and win this war for the glory of God. I am not giving up! 

Do you know where to turn for strength?

I am sure God will show His perfect strenght in my weakness. Amen!

[kin]

The stress from resisting the urge to gamble is short term and temporary but the stress, pain and suffering from gambling loses can be longer, repaying gambling debt can takes months and years in some case.

Is it worth it to gamble?

[kin]

My freedom does not give me the freedom to do everything like any normal person. Trying to live like them has got me into trouble every single time.

When I try to be normal like them every single time, I forget what I cannot do and become careless and foolish, diabetic cannot have sugar; compulsive gambler cannot gamble.

I was stubborn and ignorant enough to think that I can do the same. These actions doesn’t hurt a normal healthy person, but it will bring me pain and suffering.

Treatment for both diabetes and gambling need me to exercise self-control and give up sugar and gambling.

I have gamble when I should not, I have eaten food that I should not, I have drank alcohol when I should not, I have acted out in other behavior that I should not out of foolishness.

HOPEFULLY I LEARN MY LESSON

If I stop doing things that I should not, my life can be beautiful and positive like any normal person.

If I gamble, I will lose my life.

[kin]

Once upon a time, I do not need a clock to tell me but when the day and time arrive, my body will scream out loud, I will automatically feel the intense urge to gamble. If I did not gamble, my anxiety level, discomfort would grow stronger and stronger, when I do not have the money, I will borrow to feed this monster / devil / master / habit / addiction. I was a slave to gambling which had an evil grip over my life.

It was easier said than doing. I remember it was very stressful to fight and resist the urge when I was still a slave, It felt like I was imprisoned and lost all my freedom, I was trapped by the gambling and debt.

Like all prison term, The harder and more serious I gamble, the longer my prison term, however, I can be free and save one day. I can regain my freedom not to gamble, but …after I regain my freedom, do I want to lose this freedom again?

Thank you God for granting me the peace, joy, calm and freedom not to gamble today.

There are reasons for me to be grateful when I choose not to gamble. There is Hope!

[kin]

When I practice loving the unlovable, I become the unconditional giver of love and not the receiver, it does made me feel and look like a good man, I became humble on the outside but I did not feel the change inside, I don’t think I have lost the proud and arrogant me inside. I was still the same a.s.s.h.o.l.e

I continue to believe and practice. Today I suddenly realized that I was the real unlovable, not those people I judge, condemn and called unlovable.

God has been loving me all these time despite all the sinful thing I did, there was nothing lovable about me, this feeling inside really bring me down to earth and eat humble pie.

When I reach the office, I tried to made amend and continue to love the same people I call unlovable.

[kin]

You have just send me an answer. I knew something was wrong but I do not have the wisdom to know what was and cannot find the word to describe them until now.

I was made a minority in the office, I was the only local in a team of 6. Most of them come from a nearby asian catholic country of 100 millions. There are only 3.5 million local in this piece of land of measuring 50 km from east to west and 27 km from north to south, it is a very small country.

Psalm 62 describe people who take delight in lie; they blessed with their mouth and curse with their heart. These words remind me of these “always smiling and friendly” people who will gang up to victimize the lonely one to keep their job.

They are not underpaid here, one year of salary here can fully paid up one condominum in their home country, the same condominium here will cost me at least 26 years of salary…this explain why they are willing to do what they are doing for money, for them is about building their wealth and getting rich, for me here is about covering living expenses and survival. 

They are the foreign talent who are expected to be able to do more than the local like me, unfortunately I am a proven average performer who become a top performer among this group of under performing foreigners in the office “again”, during the first 3 months I am here.

Thank God, I am fully aware that I was a sinner and wrong for me to judge and condemn others. The vengence is not mine, let God.

In reality, if I do not know how to love these unlovable people, how could a “selfish, self-centered, self seeking” gambler like me know how to treasure and love the lovable family members and friends around me.

God has help me to do things I cannot do in recovery for many years now, all the good things that has happen felt like a miracle to me. My family will never imagine this day when an irresponsible gambler like me can bring home money every month. God has promise to provide, God has delivered. I saw myself broken and bankrupt, I never dream that one day I can handover a near 6 figure lump sum to my enabler to made amend, God has made the impossible possible, this day is nearing. Recovery is full of wonderful hope!

Thank God for teaching me to be humble and loving.

[kin]

We are getting more and more disconnected to God and getting more and more connected to the world.

Our message and solution:

Prayer is connecting to God and fasting is disconnecting to the world.

Psalm 62. A psalm of David

1 Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.                            

2 Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault me? Would all of you throw me down— this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 Surely they intend to topple me from my lofty place; they take delight in lies. With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse.

5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God^c ; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

9 Surely the lowborn are but a breath, the highborn are but a lie. If weighed on a balance, they are nothing; together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion or put vain hope in stolen goods; though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: “Power belongs to you, God,

12 and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”; and, “You reward everyone according to what they have done.”

[Author]

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