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Sentí tu dolor y arrepentimientos

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मुझे आपका दर्द और पछतावा महसूस हुआ

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Ik voelde je pijn en spijt

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acını ve pişmanlıklarını hissettim

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Jag kände din smärta och ånger

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Я чувствовал твою боль и сожаления

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Jaučiau tavo skausmą ir nuoskaudą

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Hi Vera,

 Keep on fighting the good fight. I have faith in you!

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Hate the sin, love the sinners ~ St. Augustine and Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi’s 1929 autobiography. He writes:  “hate the sin and not the sinner is a precept which, though easy enough to understand, is rarely practiced, and that is why the poison of hatred spreads in the world.” 

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My Wish List

1. Health – Relationship with family

2. Health – Finance – Keeping the current job and staying debt free

3. Health – Food – Abstaining from sugar, rice and noodle everyday

4. Health – Exercise – 2 hours walk everyday

5. Health – Spiritual, sadly I did not live my life seeking God in the first place daily. Prayer, attending Church regularly and community living are mssing in my life; 

I have neglected my spiritual, physical health and they affected my sound and stable mental, emotion and financial health.

I hope these wish list can become a reality and form a part of my gratitude list one day. Freedom from gambling,alcohol, eating disorder, debt sounds good and a dream now but something for me to keep fighting.

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The addiction is still very much alive, it just goes to sleep sometime, when it wakes up, my bad dream and struggle begin. I accept that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

Managing this addiction is like managing a wild beast, it feel like a tug of war every single time. I get pull down sometime. Do you know how it feels like to be underwater and trying to remain positive in every relapse and slip. It is painful, tiring, depressing, disappointing and frustrating!

I saw them happening to me so many times.

I stayed free from rice, noodle and sugar for more than a month recently, and I cannot live without rice and noodle every day ever since. This problem is just the tip of the iceberg,

The problem of stopping but not staying stop has spread across my life, the problem of doing the next right thing and continue to do the next right thing is my bigger and more serious problem.  

I was able to pray for a good friend daily when he was very sick but struggle to do it again. I think about the person all the time, but I just could not pray for the person like before.

I feel very sad, demoralize and frustrated thinking about what had happen. I realize that the wisdom,.strength and power leading my steps did not come from within me, it can leave me. I was very unhappy because I did not have this power all the time.

Sometime the power is in the driver seat, sometime, I was in the driver seat. This is the last thing I want in my life.

My mind can be unsound when I am very mentally and physically tired. Everything changes after a good rest and sleep!

The war with the devil continues, my success rate is not high doing this alone.

As long as I am still updating this journal, I have not given up hope on life.

I am in my fifties, I don’t know how many good years I have left.

When my time is up, I will disappear from this site.

I need to pray for God’s will and timing. I can be very impatient and worry uncontrollably.

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A bank called me one day recently after more than 6 years of no contact and inform me that I have an outstanding loan. I felt lousy for days. It is going to be an additional burden on top of what I already have now.

I don’t have much choice or do I ?

I choose to accept it, not numb it and face them.

The same bank called me yesterday, they investigated and decide that I do not need to pay them anymore, they check and found out I have repaid the full principle and will be sending me a letter of full settlement.

All the outstanding sum and interest are written off. It was unbelievable and a miracle, I have kept all their document for record purposes out of guilt, I knew I have not completed repaying all the interest and I will need those documents one day. Now I can throw them all away, one less burden.

I was very tired after work yesterday. I have an urge to drink and gamble last night, I felt like calming my nerve, getting high and self medcate, instead I ended up downloading many of my favorite songs on to a MP3. I dd that for more than 2 hours until the urge left me.

Thank God. All glory goes to God.  

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I am feeling down looking at my cards now; I have general anxiety disorder, facial skin eczema, gambling problem, most probably some colon and also liver related illness too, my bad breath is aweful and smelly.

They are affecting how I think, feel, and behave. I may have learnt to accept, and forgive myself. It was still never easy to deal with a gambling problem, mental and physical illness at the same time.

But there are still cause for celebration for me, despite all the leaks on my ship, I have sail on and progress, reaching some destinations in my life that I can never imagine possible in my rock bottom. Praise God! I cannot, God can, let God!

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I find it hard to give up carbohydrate and sugar as much as gambling.

I find it hard to exercise as much as attending church service and activities regularly.

I did not want to change shows how much I do not love and respect myself and others. I take for granted all the good people, good health, good job and money I have until I loses them.

Near death experience can change everything. Suddenly I realize that everything can be taken away from me if I do not take good care of them, there is no second chance, I must treasure and be grateful of them, I must live each day like it was my last..

I can also love someone so much that I am willing to give up everything that is important to me to keep them. I love them so much that I want to change. Glory to God.

If the courage to change does not come from me, the courage to change must come from somewhere, otherwise I cannot find the strength to do it.

I will be touch and tears can drop whenever I was reminded of myself; When most people don’t want to have anything to do with me, avoid me, walk away from me, reject me like a piece of filthy garbage and how God pick me up. God is love.

I praise God for the love, wisdom and strength in discipline, hard work, and determination. If I can do this on my own, I wouldn’t have fall countless times.  

The Bible teaches me to love God and others. It is God’s wisdom to love the unlovable. The biggest unlovable is me but not in the eye of God.

My good friend and mentor teach me to love God, others and myself the way God love me unconditionally.

I am very much Work in Progress. Recovery life is not perfect, it is ok not to be ok now, things will get better in the end.

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Hi RG,

Thank you for your post, i agrees with you that Gambling is not designed to give away money. I was a foolish, stubborn, selfish and self-centered all my life and it is time for me to be open, willing and honest to change for my remaining years. Best wishes to you too.

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