[kin]

Greedy Thought

I was home, the weather is hot, the bed is uncomfortable., I pick up my phone and looked at the sporting odds online. There are a few matches tonight, I have choices to pick one. I knew where I had money. I am slipping into old ways.

The temptation is here in the middle my practicing how to flee from my temptation everyday. I am ready today. I am willing to give up winning.

I can walk away from a place but how can I run away from my own thought? I cannot.

Some say just treat it like a passing cloud. Do not grab the cloud, let it come and go away.

Some say treat it like a passing train, do not get on it, it will come and go.

I am not feeding my greedy thought tonight.

I did not change my attire and leave home for the betting house immediately.

Instead I switch on the air con, this is not my natural instinct. In the past, I would leave home and press the self destructive button.

I did not gamble but I am still an addict. I can still develop gambling thoughts.

[kin]

Well done sister!

[kin]

As I pause for a moment to reflect on my recovery from self-destructive behaviour before I continue. I feel so fortunate and privilege to meet these two wise men.

Both do not know one another and show up in my journey at different time. Both men carry the same message till this day: God was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. God is consistent.

Both warn me about man created things

I hate to think that I have created ”my words” to train and teach on the job in my younger days. I was always convincing people with “my words” to buy what I am selling till today.

I was honest sometime but not all the time, I was right sometime and not all the time. This has probably help me to identified people who are like me.

Can I trust someone like me with my life? I am afraid not.

[kin]

14 years has pass, I am still work under construction. I have multiple addictions, and I have never give up trying to break free from my self-destructive behavior.
I have been knocked down countless time but every single time I get back up!
I started visiting WeCare Community Services in year 2005 and Gambling Therapy in year 2008. Forever Thankful!

[kin]

Hi Maverick,

I am so sorry to hear about your gambling. It takes honesty and courage to admit our mistake, you have already taken your first step.

The same thing can also happen to me if I am not careful today. I am still the same imperfect person who can have incredible short memory that I cannot drink or gamble like a normal person.

At this time, nothing I say can replace a big hug, all I can say is don’t give up hope, take one baby step at a time if you must.

We seek spiritual progress and not perfection in recovery. Take care and God bless!

Kin

[kin]

1 Corinthians 10:12

If you think, “I am strong! I can handle this.

I would never fall for that temptation, than be careful!

For you could easily fall too!”

[kin]

Always glad to see your post. Never forget reading your early struggles and your display of guts, courage and strength in recovery. Best wishes to you in everything you do. God bless!

[kin]

Thank God to hear that your daughter is safe. God bless!

[kin]

It will be too late for me when my mind get hijack, it can go into auto pilot mode and self- destruct !!!

The price to pay is too heavy, you will know what it was like if you have been there before.

[kin]

The weather is so hot and uncomfortable today, I wanted to change my mind. I wanted to give up going to the church to attend service.

The mind is telling me to meet up with friends at the NA meeting.

I wanted to meet up with those friends but I took a cab to go to the church to do the next right thing.

I can still be vulnerable to slip into old ways.

 

[kin]

After the meeting at 9 pm, I was standing on the roadside. To my right and left, neon light signs flashing, the places to act out are everywhere, I have free time and money on me. I suddenly froze and time stood still, after a while I develop the thought to drink / gamble and it become uncomfortable.

I immediately flag a cab and get myself away from this place.

I can still be vulnerable to temptations.

[kin]

I need to recondition my mind and learn to walk away or flee from temptation.

I always thought that I would be fine when I am not. I thought I would be fine because I have no intent to gamble or drink. I thought I was in control, and able to resist what is right in front of me or beside me. I thought I have strong finance and strong enough mentally and would not lose all again.

What am I doing going so near to these places, these are no place for me anymore now. It is wrong to put myself to a test. I was over confident and complacent, I thought I was strong.

I am still vulnerable and prone to slip and relapse. Last night was an good example, after the meeting at 9 pm, I was standing on the roadside, on my left and right, neon light signs are flashing, the places to act out are everywhere, I have the free time and money. I froze and time stood still, after a while, I develop a thought to drink/gamble and it become uncomfortable.

I immediately flag a cab and get myself away from the place.

I did not realize I was still that vulnerable and weak to temptation.

[kin]

I feel very sad thinking about this incident in the past. I thought I was helping the handicap person when I gave him 2 dollars.

But he was not please. I may have made him feel lousy. I did not accept the packet of tissue paper that he was trying to give me. I never forget how he look at me. I felt sorry.

It really take skills to give and help people while helping them preserve their dignity and self respect.

How can I be so ignorant and stupid. 

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Hi Jen, How are you doing?

[kin]

Is everything ok but you are not ok? or Is everything not ok but you are ok?

I have faith in you.

[Author]

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