[kin]

Charles shared, “Doing the things your adiction is giving you lots of reasons not to do”.

It was like doing all the things that the devil do not want me to do.

[kin]

I am no exception, if I have time, money and place to gamble at my disposal, I can easily be tempted and slip into my old ways.

I am setting myself up to fail one day unless I remove the temptations.

I get complacent after a while and thought I do not need the barrier anymore.

[kin]

The thought to gamble, drink, eat or sex are there every day. I am no saint. It made me realize that I can get temptation every day.

I remain an imperfect person in recovery and can still be triggered by something I see outside or something inside me, it can be a feeling or a thought.

On some days, it can be difficult when the urge is strong. It was my intention not to let the urge grow in strength until it is out of control.

Yesterday was difficult, I was feeling unwell and very tired. I was so tired that I could fall asleep on the bus and went to sleep very quickly on my bed in the night.

After work, I was on the bus to no-where, yes to no-where, I did not want to stay where I am, the heat outside is killing me and I was impatient. I just hop onto the next air-conditioned bus that comes along. Transport in Singapore is very convenient and efficient, I can always change a bus home along the way. This bus pass by a familiar place, I was thinking to myself, if I drop off the bus now, I will surely gamble in the nearby betting house. I must not get off the bus there and so, I stayed on the bus and fall asleep.

Let me be honest for this time, what was keeping me away from the alcohol, gambling and sex on this day was not me or my strength , it was the memories of the recent meetings, the recent recovery book that I read, the Sunday services that I attended recently and the biblical scripture that I read recently.

The recent memory was still so strong on my mind, my mind was like a bowl of salad, there are many stuffs not to gamble and drink in there together with the other stuff telling me to gamble and drink. One is more than the others.

Guess the meeting and reading recently kept me safe on this day, if I did not do any of those, the thought to drink, gamble, eat and sex surely will be filling up all my mind, if that is all I had, there is nothing to stop me.

I am so vulnerable when I was tired, sick or in desperate need for money. I can slip into my old ways.

I actually slipped into the old habits of deceiving myself to take alcohol. Not gambling become my excuse to do other wrong yesterday. I have the money, I can afford it,  I had the time, I lied to myself that taking alcohol is harmless because I long to get the numb and high from alcohol intoxication.

I was gamble and alcohol free yesterday. Today is a brand new day, I can make myself very sick by attending the Saturday afternoon recovery meeting in the afternoon, do my 12 hours graveyard shift part time work in the night and attend the Sunday Service next day after work. I did not give myself any room for sleep and rest. This is a perfect way for me to relapse.

I am not going to attend the Saturday afternoon recovery support group meeting. I will made rest a priority, and go do my part time work later.

I shall attend Sunday Service unconditionally regardless of the consequences.

2 weeks has passed, I experience temptation almost everyday but only 2 urges to gamble worth mentioning.

[kin]

I can now recognise and identify the following quality and character in a recovering person; the person has love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I can now explain why I am not comfortable with some people, they can pretend but they cannot give what they do not have.

The 12 steps recovery program does not teach us to hurt or harm another in recovery, it does not teach us to shame or humiliate other in recovery, it does not teach us to bring down another in recovery to feed our pride and ego, it teaches humility and not seeking self-glory. It does not teach us to use the tongue to destroy or kill another person, this is the same as trying to manipulate and control the world.

love – the Spirit live

joy – the Spirit dance

peace – the Spirit rests

patience – the Spirit waits

kindness  – the Spirit gives

goodness – the Spirit moves

faithfulness – the Spirit dwells

gentleness – the Spirit acts

self control – the Spirit smiles

Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Against such things there is no law.

The fruit is in contrast with the work of the flesh.

[kin]

Recovery
Recovery from addiction is like walking up a down escalator. It is impossible to stand still. When you stop moving forward, you find yourself moving backward.
Sobriety
Sobriety is like going up the down escalator. There is no standing still in recovery. You are either working on your sobriety or feeding your disease.

[kin]

Addiction is a contradiction to living.

It convinces us that gambling are necessary to maintain our sense of well-being.

All throughout our life, we kept telling ourselves, “I can handle it.” Maybe this was true in the beginning, but not now.

Peace of mind was non-existent. We had a distinct desire to gamble. We could not live normally with or without gambling. Our gambling defied all rules of common sense. We had an abnormal craving for gambling and give in to it at the worst possible times. We do not have the common sense not to place the first bet.

We went through stages of dark despair because of gambling and were sure that there was something wrong with us. Other times, we were under the illusion that we had gambling under our control.

We are like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We may be one of the nicest person around when we are not gambling.

We are often perfectly sensible and well-balanced concerning everything except gambling, we often possess special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and have a promising future ahead and then we pull everything down by gambling.

We puzzle ourselves, especially in our lack of control. We do absurd, incredible crazy and tragic things while gambling.

The things we had to tolerate to support our gambling reflected our desperation and total disgust. We sank to the depths of borrowing, cheating, stealing, lying. We manipulated and control people and conditions to gamble.

We hated ourselves for all the trouble, disappointment, frustration, suffering, and pain that we have brought to our families and others as a result of our gambling.

The mental aspect of addiction comes with our inability to deal with life on its own terms.

We, in the grip of a compulsion, were often forced to survive in any way we could, at all costs.

We could not handle any mind-changing or mood- altering behavior such as gambling.

[kin]

Reading your posts have help me. You remind me of Vera. I did not forget both of you in your early days. You are such a brave and courageous lady. Your sharing encourage and motivate others like me to try harder. Your baby step progress over the years give us hope to do the same.

[kin]

really miss reading your post here.

[kin]

If I had lost the money, I will have to start from zero and repay my debt all over again. This is more pain and misery, I will blame myself. I will feel guilty and ashamed. I will lose my peace. I will be financially very cash tight every day. I will be very stress on most day and I will be fearful that I can never finish repaying my debt.

I will be trap and enslave by gambling again. I will be thinking about gambling all the time, hoping to return to gamble to win back some to reduce the debt.

Today I did not win and I did not lose because I didn’t gamble.

Keeping my peace and calm was my biggest reward.

[kin]

My first mentor ever told me:

A leopard cannot change its spot but it can move its spot.

I would have gamble last night if I have not shifted my spot away from the betting house. The temptation come from spotting a familiar situation, a familiar team, familiar odds, past experiences and my understanding is pointing to one result.   

I would have betted with money available to me on this day. I would have won if I had gambled last night. I would have won the equivalent of half a month my salary. I could have reduced my debt with this money.

I have manage to stay gamble free on this day, regardless of the opportunity to win, regardless of all the wonderful consequences and good things that comes with winning.

I manage to stay gamble free yesterday by the mercy and grace of a power greater than me.

How do I convince myself not to gamble?

I would have fail on my strength. I am fallible.

[kin]

I cannot change my spot so I move my spot

[kin]

Many personal adjustments have failed to bring about my recovery. I thought a new suitable job, a new relationship, a new exercise regime, a new committment to attend support group meetings could be the answer to my gambling dilemma, unfortunately my addiction, in its progression, has cause me to fail, consuming me with anger and fear. Higher mental and emotional functions, such as my conscience and love, were badly affected by the gambling.

Have I forgotten how I gamble irregardless of the consequences?

Am I willing to stay gamble free irregardless of the consequences?

Have I decided to go to any length to stay gamble free?

I pray for strength and direction to stay gamble free regardless of the consequences

[kin]

List of the “One Another” commands in the Bible:

Be at peace with one another – Mark 9:50

Love one another – John 13:34; Romans 12:10; 1 Peter 4:8; 1 John 3:11, 23; 4:7, 11, 12

Build up one another – Romans 14:19; Ephesians 4:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Be of the same mind toward one another – Romans 12:16

Give preference to one another – Romans 12:10

Greet one another – Romans 16:16

Esteem others as better than yourself – Philippians 2:3

Serve one another – Galatians 5:13

Receive one another – Romans 15:7

Be devoted to one another – Romans 12:10

Rejoice or weep with one another – Romans 12:15

Admonish one another – Romans 15:14; Colossians 3:16

Care for one another – 1 Corinthians 12:25

Show tolerance toward one another – Romans 15:1-5; Ephesians 4:2; Colossians 3:13

Be kind and forgiving to one another – Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13

Submit to one another – Romans 12:10; Ephesians 5:21; 1 Peter 5:5

Comfort one another – 1 Thessalonians 4:18

Encourage one another – 1 Thessalonians 5:11; Hebrews 3:13

Be compassionate with one another – 1 Peter 3:8

Pray for one another – James 5:16

Confess your faults to one another – James 5:16

Accept one another – Romans 14:1; 15:7

Be truthful with one another – Colossians 3:9

Do not take one another to court – 1 Corinthians 6:1-7

[kin]

Our whole life and thinking was centered in gambling, getting money to gamble, and finding ways and means to get more money.
We gamble to live and live to gamble. Very simply an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by gambling.
The gambler may not be aware that a problem exists until
1. they keep gambling but start to notice if they try to stop, that they are unable
2. when gambling they have lost control over the amount.
3. they run out of money and still have the strong urge to gamble (withdrawal)
We admitted that we gamble, but many of us did not think we had a problem.
Part of ourselves could see what was happening; another part would not accept it.
We were caught in an illusion of “what if,” “if only,” and “just one more try.”
We did not see ourselves as being addicted, as long as we could stop gambling for a day, a week, or even a month or more. We looked at the stopping, not the gambling.
We remember going through a lot of pain and despair before considering the possible connection between gambling and our misery.
Many of us had reached the point where we asked ourselves, “Could it be the gambling?”
Something inside said, “No more.”
We had begun to have silent thoughts that the gambling was killing us.
We realized that gambling were enslaving us instead of setting us free. We were prisoners in our own mind, condemned to a slow execution.
Our previous attempts to stay gamble free had always failed causing us many years of pain and misery.

[kin]

Temptation – the desire to do something, especially something wrong or unwise

Urge – a strong desire or impulse / driving force

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