[kin]

It was probably my acting out in food that was bringing out the addict in me and it reflected in my writing, I was describing my feeling a lot recently and most, if not all are negative.

It was not all down in my life now, I have recovered from depression for many years, and not required by doctor to go on medication. My relationship with my family member has improve tremendously. Both my mental health and relationship with my family has turn out better than I dream.

However, something never change, I still experience periodic mood swing like anyone, and I still struggle with my multiple addictions, they are something that I have accepted in my life.

I seek progress not perfection in life.

[kin]

Thank you for your kind words. I have been reading your posts too. You are progressing well and the arrival of your baby is God send. I wish both of you good health and many happy days ahead!

[kin]

I feel that I would not have lost my friends 25 years ago if I was suffering from other illness and not addiction.

They will understand the sickness and will be more forgiving and supportive but people avoid mentally sick people or addict like me because they are afraid to be harm by them.

Can you imagine the things I have said or do in order to get more money on my worst days in gambling. The damage to my friends was done and all I can say is sorry and sorry.

The last 25 years was like a vacumn. I did nothing worth mentioning in life except surviving and staying alive. Mental illness and addictions nearly took my life.

[kin]

I was reading other threads and Granfalloom reminded me:

No Gambling no debts.

No Alcohol no uncontrolled angers and physical violent behaviors.

No Drugs no days behind bar.

No Overeating no sick feeling.

If I did not act out, I will not do foolish and stupid thing.

I have multiple addictions. I suffer from a sickness that cannot stop me from doing harm to myself and sabotage to my recovery.

I can feel the hardship, pain and suffering of other struggling addicts. I knew how and what it feels like.

[kin]

I struggle with multiple addictions. No one like to suffer from any addiction. It is a sickness that make me continue to harm and sabotage myself.

When I have money, I cannot sleep. When I have none, I can sleep very peacefully.

[kin]

I can tell that I am not in a very good zone now. My food addiction has gone full blown relapse and I have put on almost 9 kg after losing them recently. I lose my discipline and self control totally in life as a result.

I have to stop digging my grave. I will need to do it the only way I know; one baby step at a time, total abstinent one day at a time.

It is useless to complain why me, I was given the chance to experience what it was like to be struggling with so many addictions; sometime all of them do go to sleep at the same time; workaholism, alcoholism, gambling, food etc. but many times at least one of them is awake.

I would sink underwater again and again, each time threatening to drown me but I continue to keep myself alive to tell this story.

[kin]

The barriers is working.

On some days I do not have the money.

On some days there is no gambling opportunity

On some days I do not have the time.

I want to gamble today but cannot, I need to do my part time work, I do not have time to gamble. 

As I am writting, I can see that I dont need to gamble

The devil want me to gamble and this is how I normally got myself into trouble.

I only need to be obedient and not place the first bet. 

This is a simple program,

[kin]

Many times there are people who did not ask me for help but I would tell them what to do.

I was like this in my life. They are like my hostages, they have no where to run. They didnt want to offend or be rude to me so they listen. I never seek their permission or check how they feel about my opinion. I thought they would listen to my message; I can be wrong.

I did not know I love to be heard, and in control of thing until I feel unhappy when I fail to get the attention I want, I would cut in and interupt others rudely when I want to made myself heard.

Maybe they dont want me to tell them. Maybe they dont trust me or they don’t like to be told what to do. People don’t like others to make them feel small and unimportant.

I can see this problem in others, I do not like them but I cannot see myself behaving just like them, I have the same problem. I should have mind my own business.

[kin]

Step 4: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself

“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” ~1 John 2:15

Psalm 1:1 Do not love it

[kin]

Emotional sobriety is an important factor in recovery. It means being able to confront and cope with all the negative emotions that were ignored when gambling, using drugs or alcohol. These are the feelings that can act as triggers for relapse, so being able to manage them is crucial for recovery and for staying sober over the long-term.

Working toward emotional sobriety is a long process.

Simply stopping gambling or use of a substance and avoiding relapse is not enough. While this may be the first and most urgent part of recovery from an addiction, it is also crucial to address all the negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that were smothered and ignored by gambling, drinking or drug use. Only when they are confronted and managed can someone truly achieve both physical and emotional sobriety.

Avoiding relapse is one of the most important reasons to address negative emotions. Learning to control or manage emotions is to avoid relapsing. Negative feelings are often trigger for behavioral or substance use, and if they are not regulated a relapse becomes nearly inevitable.

Emotional sobriety means being able to experience, confront, and accept all emotions, even the painful ones. It doesn’t mean being happy all the time, but it does mean having a healthy relationship with emotions and using positive strategies to cope with those that are negative.

It is a long process to learn to become emotionally sober.

[kin]

Step 4: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself

²Test me, LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind~Psalm 26:2

²¹ but test them all; hold on to what is good, ²² reject every kind of evil.~Thessalonians 5:21-22 (NIV)

Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you-unless, of course, you fail the test?~2 Corinthians 13:5  

I finally catch and found Pride and Envy manifesting inside me after 14 years

[kin]

Envy never bring me any satisfaction. If you commit the sin of adultery, you enjoy the pleasures of the flesh; if you commit the sin of gluttony you get to enjoy the taste of food. Envy only makes you more miserable than you were before.

When I am walking with Envy, I cannot enjoy anything in itself because I only see what I have and what I am in comparison to someone else.

Envy does something very ugly. When I look at their success, their wealth, their lifestyle, the joy they had, these things somehow calls me into question, it taunts me, it makes me doubt myself.

Envy convinces me that I a failure and worthless. It makes me think less of myself. It calls into question all that I am, all that I’ve done, all that I’ve accomplished. It becomes an issue of my own identity.

Envy exposes so much of what I am really like and what I really want; Envy shows what brings me joy, what I value most.

I value money above everything else, I envy those who have more money than me. Envy exposes my heart like no other sin really does.

Envy shows where my heart loyalty lie. Envy shows that I desire money more than I desire God.

Confessing that envy exists requires a true honesty and baring of the soul. Like peeling the onion skin to get to the core to find the source and uproot the problem.

You may not know how ugly and dark until you look into your soul and see Envy. I did not know that I had Envy and did not know that envy was so powerful and destructive. Out of envy we reach out to take what is not ours: another’s property, another’s wealth, another’s wife, another’s life.

Envy made me unwilling or unable to confess the sin because I was ashame to admit the truth.

[kin]

My Pride says, I deserve to have more; I don’t deserve to have so little.

Pride says I am smarter than another person, better looking than another, richer than another, kinder and loving than another.

I deserve to have money, power, woman, love and attention, good reputation, and respect.

Out of pride, comes envy: Who is Envy? What does Envy do?

Envy makes me feel discontent, resentment or sadness.  

I want the money that others had or I want to be like someone.

Envy makes me aware that another person or another place has what I want for myself.

I want to change everything and gave birth to evil thought and feeling;

the desire to have those money; the desire to win them; the casino has the money;

[kin]

Don’t check the matches available on the day

Don’t look at the odds

Don’t watch the game

Don’t check the results after the match.

[kin]

Two things define you
“Your patience” when you have nothing & “Your attitude” when you have everything.

[Author]

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