[kin]

What situation led me to formally work Step One?
When I accepted that I have lost control of my situation and I needed help, I can no longer manage this on my own. It is getting from bad to worst.
I accepted that I am powerless over alcohol and slot machines, football punting, horse punting, casino table games and that my life have become unmanageable as a result.

[kin]

What crisis brought me to recovery?
I have tried to do recovery and stop drinking and gambling on my own between 1998 to 2005, I realize that I could not stay stop. I would continue to drink and gamble, I continue to get into debts and losing every single cent and more.
I have killed my career and I was on the brink of losing my family.

[kin]

Am I avoiding action because I am afraid, I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I am worried about what others will think?

I avoided action because I was afraid that I cannot do something I love/gamble anymore.

I was ashamed to let my family know the reason was a simple and honest one because of my continue gambling.

I did not seek help because I did not want to lose my career and I was afraid of losing my job if the company knew I have unmanageable gambling debt and seeking help.

I never thought I will lose my family and get kick out of the house but it nearly happen.

[kin]

Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
I thought I know enough about my addiction, but I did not know about my blind spots and have not uncover all my reservation to gamble. I did not have an immediate plan to replace gambling with something else when each reservation happened. I was not prepared on what to do when I want to gamble.
I thought I can be more careful this time. I thought I can keep my gambling under control by restricting the type of gamble choosing lower risk, limiting the amount I gamble and no more all or nothing bet.
I thought I could stop and walk away when I lose control, thought I will not be impulsive, compulsive and obsessive anymore.
I thought my saving will be safe from my gambling and I would not withdraw every single cent for gambling.
They never fail to get out of hand every time. The ending has been the same all the time.

[kin]

Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?

I only place a bet.I lost the money, I was able to stop. I only drank once in almost a year and over-spend on that fateful night. I eat for pleasure, not for fuel and put on a lot of weight. I spend too much time on internet surfing and giving myself less time to rest and sleep.

It was no consolation that the damage and destruction is not bigger than before. I was still haunted by my foolish and stupidity act in allowing them to happen, I can still feel the heartache and pain, regrets and guilt.

I should not allow them to happen

[kin]

How have I compared my addiction with other’s addiction? Is my addiction “bad enough” if I don’t compare it to anyone else‘s?

It was easy to lose focus in my recovery and tempting to compare our addiction especially after I hear others talk about becoming homeless, family breaking up, jobless, heavy borrowing from loan sharks, indebted much more than me, committing suicide, suffering from mental illnesses, ending up in jail, and still cannot stop their self-destructive gambling. It made my addiction look less serious and maybe I can gamble.

I have hit rock bottom as a result of my addiction, I have become bankrupt mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. It was bad enough for me.

Those were the darkest and most painful period in my life.

[kin]

How have I blamed other people for my behavior?
I have blame my mum, my creditor, my boss, my girlfriend for my behavior.
mum or girlfriend upset me and I left the house to gamble.
boss was unjust and unfair to me, I felt victimize and gamble to made myself feel better.
creditor chase me for my debt and I do not have enough money and was stress so I gamble.

[kin]

Newcomer walking into my life in recovery has challenge me to keep my honesty.
I will not forgive myself if I tell them to work the steps when I do not do it myself.

[kin]

Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?
I made trips to the casino and binge gamble on the slot and table games. I lost everything and feel normal. I left the place feeling there was nothing wrong.

[kin]

Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?

I feel that gambling is a good way to make fast money and I do not plan to gamble everything I have; I shall not be greedy and be careful this time, I will never lose every single cent.

This gamble is an opportunity I cannot miss. Law of probability is on my side. I feel that my chances are high.

My false confident never feel that the chances of a loss is high here. I still think that my decision to gamble correct.

If I lost the bet, it is alright, because it is a one-time thing, I can afford it when I really cannot.

I will not lose myself and go out of control. I can stop if things are not going well.

I can go ahead to gamble because I was not using borrowed money to gamble. If I lost the bet, there was nothing wrong.

I feel that there is nothing wrong to gamble if I lost the bet. I feel that I can afford the loss when I really cannot.

[kin]

Have I been obsessed with a person, place or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?

[kin]

What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
Binge eating and surfing internet

[kin]

How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally? Financially?
I do not have proper rest or sleep because I will be staying up until very late into the next morning with my gambling.
I lose all my peace if I do not gamble, I will become anxious and restless.
I have no spirituality because I was using the money to gamble instead of feeding the family. When I win ten of thousands of dollars, they remain my capital for further gambling and not for the family.
Emotionally it can be a roller coaster because the results can be so unpredictable and full of up and down.
Financially I become heavily indebted and a bankrupt.

[kin]

How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?

I lose away all my earning to feed my gambling habit and borrow from those around me so I can continue gambling. I become heavily in debt and cause those around me great stress,they become my hostage, I leave them no choice.

[kin]

When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

When a gambling thought occur to me, I thought about what gambling can do for me and what gambling can do to me and still proceed to gamble despite the consequences. I will continue to gamble until I have no more money to gamble win or lose.

[Author]

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